stillborn1996

[stillborn1996]

Spending the morning after a coke binge eating ice cold french fries you couldn’t stand to look at the night before, staring blankly at bad television with a runny, sore nose. Debate with yourself about buying more, you shouldn’t, you don’t want to, you hate yourself for even considering it, you hate yourself because you probably will. So, this again. 3 weeks of struggle just to do this again, now you find yourself back at square one. It’s all a matter of self control now, will you slide down the rabbit hole again or push your way back to the light of the dull, waking world, to long for the cruel magic you experienced in Wonderland...

[stillborn1996]

Weird offers from weird people to dye their hair for amphetamines. You say yes even if you don’t really know what you’re doing, which you mostly don’t, because the pills are like a crash course in being great at everything. For a few in your hand you could figure it out, you always do.

[stillborn1996]

I want to say something about pain, but I want to say just the right something about pain. That’s the problem with me and writing lately, maybe the problem with me and everything lately. That if its not the right thing, it’s nothing. And if its not the right thing, it isn’t worth saying or doing or writing. So I’m quiet now, like white noise. Like static channels on tv. There’s something, but it’s nothing. You know? I’m not even sure if I know. This doesn’t seem like the right thing to be typing but I’m typing it. I told myself I wasn’t going to write if it wasn’t worth writing but this is just my desperate attempt to try to connect the dots, to try. There’s pain in this, I feel it in my finger when they tap on these keys to form these words on the screen. Like bloodletting, this is my attempt to release my pain and my impurities. I used to think they were in my blood but that was four years ago, now I know they’re in my head so I feel like writing is the best way.

[stillborn1996]

it's so nice to hear that you're doing better now than before.

Thanks..I figure this was probably sent a long time ago, because I haven’t posted a good update or any update at all in so long. But I just want you to know I appreciate this message, even if you never see my reply. Thank you.

[stillborn1996]

There’s so much I still can’t remember. When it hurts less, I’ll remember more, I know this. Sometimes I try to drag memories like corpses rolled in carpets out of the back alleys and dark cellars of my brain, but I black out halfway through because remembering hurts. Wake up somewhere else with a headache, there’s a 50/50 chance I can recall how I ended up here or the cause of my aching skull. 

[stillborn1996]

Going to bed late when I need to get up early, something I have always been good at. I am smoking in bed in the dark, watching the smoke curl away from the light of my phone. I haven't felt right all day, this weekend turned into a 36 hour adderall binge and I have barely had time to recover. No one likes coming off the pills and the way it hurts so personally and feels like a fall from grace. Time in between spent human, miserable, trapped in limbo.

[stillborn1996]

Sickness pressing in all around me like four slimy, black walls. It’s dark because the light hurts, because I can’t face it. I can’t sleep because everything in my head is screaming and on fire, I’m afraid of the dreams I would have tonight. I can’t open my eyes to look at what’s sitting on my chest, suffocating me. I won’t look, I’ve never been able to. Fucking coward. Is it someone else talking or is it me? Don’t know, don’t know, don’t know. I keep thinking the answers will just fall into my lap, heaven sent. I’m just not that lucky anymore. I wonder how to get the favor of the world back.

[stillborn1996]

Things fell apart again, I played along for such a long time trying to convince myself it would all work itself out. It didn’t. I’m not sure if anything ever truly works itself out. Just transforms, changes shape, disappears entirely, grows larger than you could ever imagine until it consumes you and you’re nothing. I’m back, either way. I guess I missed talking to myself here.

[stillborn1996]

i can't believe i haven't posted here in 3 weeks. i used to post here every day, cataloging my life. i used to think every little thing i did was so grand and worth mention, that the way i was living was so exciting, that i was so important. the world has a way of putting us into check, i've noticed. did the hardships from the last 6 months humble me? it's hard to say. i'd like to think so, but only time will tell. i won't claim to understand other people and the processes of the universe anymore though. they always manage to surprise you and catch you off guard, no matter how prepared you are, how well you think you know...none of us ever know, that is a fact i feel 100% sure of. things make much less sense to me than they used to, but i am much more okay with it now. i felt so personally targeted when things ceased to go my way, i thought of myself as this untouchable god. above it all, in control, all knowing and all seeing. so even though it was a spirit breaking process, i am okay again. it took me crashing through all the illusions i built for so long but on the ground i am in a better place. less chances to fall down here. i changed, the world around me changed too. i don't have ill feelings for either of us anymore.

[stillborn1996]

Will it ever be enough? (A waste of my time to stay? Maybe/maybe not, the clock ticks on)

[stillborn1996]

I wish I posted here more, I miss this blog. But alas, my words are being all used up in my life offline, trying to desperately string them together in a way to fill the emptiness inside of someone else. I am running out of them, the gas light in my brain has been blinking madly for days. I open my mouth to speak and there are no words, just a cloud of stale smoke. My fingers won't type the words I want to fill the screen, they hover over the keyboard eternally waiting. After a while, my cigarette has burned out and my eyes glaze over. Fade out. Black...

[stillborn1996]

You are empty, you are a huge black void. You are split wide open, I will never find the sides to stitch back together with stardust on my fingertips. You are a whisper in the dark that to you I am glowing, that my light is bright and addictive. You need it, you are always telling me you need my light so much. Your voice is a whimper, you are a child who got lost at the mall many years ago, you watched your mother’s skirts swish through the looming revolving doors with all her bags. Without you. The lights begin to shut off, one end to the other until it is totally dark. The dark is all encompassing, you leave the mall and you think you are so alone but the darkness followed you. It takes to you, you take to it. It has followed you forever since. I am groping along the wall in the sticky black silence consuming the apartment. I feel the darkness pressing in behind me and it is suffocating, I am choking on it filling my mouth and nose. It is so dark I wonder if I have died, finally/unfortunately/at last, but your whisper floats into my ear, the words are like bee stings in my brain. You say it’s all okay as long as you have my light. I cannot see at all, I thought it was the dark pressing it but it is just you. Always just you.

[stillborn1996]

I would like to live in hotels for the rest of my life. They're just the right amount of connected to the world but still anonymous.

[stillborn1996]

I wake up in the middle of the night coughing, b continues to snore and the dog looks up bleary eyed from his nest in the blankets. He watches me try to suppress the violent hacking, gripping the bed tightly. I cant tell if his concern is for my well being or if he is just wondering why i woke him up. I stop coughing, spit into the ashtray. He goes back to sleep.

[stillborn1996]

B asked to borrow one of my bras & I was legitimately offended because I am flat chested compared to her

[stillborn1996]

We woke up to rain but it is still hot and when I come in from being outside I can still feel the sticky heat plastered on my skin. I don't like this kind of rain, it isn't cleansing how I think of rain normally but rather oppressive in the way it keeps me in the house

[stillborn1996]

Today hasn't really been great. The last couple days in general have been pretty sub par. I'm having trouble figuring out how I do feel. I don't want to say I am unhappy but I know I'm not happy either. I would say I feel nothing, but I notice the absence of normal feeling so isn't that something? I wish I could sleep it off, but I don't have the next few years to sleep.