stfujessica

[stfujessica]

[stfujessica]

[stfujessica]

Sinner’s Prayer (2016) // LADY GAGA’s joanne

[stfujessica]

[stfujessica]

the other side

[stfujessica]

Blackout by Alec Essefic

[stfujessica]

I used to use this as a diary- and to an extent, I still do.  I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn’t leave this memory for myself.

Closure is a strange thing.  We only ever REALLY talk about it when we don’t get it.  And we long for it and search for it and ache for it.  Sometimes it comes, but most often it doesn’t.  I was given closure six years later and even though I tried to tell myself that it didn’t mean anything anymore... it definitely did.  I learned to be okay without it many years ago- but something inside of me just feels better now.

We were both at a mutual friend’s goodbye party and had been drinking for a few hours.  We both kind of just drifted towards each other.  Now, I have seen you quite a few times over the years.  We’ve never been “bad” exes... but the disconnect has been palpable.  I expected our conversation to start with “so how are things going?” or “what’s new?” or some other form of small talk.  But the first thing out of your mouth was “Jess.  I hate that things are awkward when I see you.  I hate that after how important we were to each other, we don’t talk.  I think it’s sad.”  I felt my eyes open back up after they had started to droop from all the whiskey.  This was NOT at all where I thought we would be going.  I told you that while I don’t think that things are “awkward,” I agree that it’s an unfortunate thing.  You said “I know, I’m the one that makes it awkward because I started it all and I’ve never really known what to say to you.”

We talked about those very things.  Importance.  Sadness.  We talked about regrets and apologies.  Let me tell you, apologies 6 years too late end up being better than having given up on them.  And I hope you felt the same about mine.  Because I have come around to the fact that I was not completely blameless in everything that happened in the aftermath.  Though you were right- you were worse.  But it’s okay now.  We talked about things that mattered, things that were important.

We are both happy with our lives and have people who love us and who we love back.  It wasn’t about that type of closure.  We walked away from that conversation agreeing that instead of being distant when we see each other... we can be friendly, earnest, and sincere.  Maybe we can laugh again.

[stfujessica]

Monday vibes.

[stfujessica]

My desire to get out of this town is at pop punk singer levels.

[stfujessica]

[stfujessica]

[stfujessica]

[stfujessica]

[stfujessica]

There are years that ask questions and years that answer.

Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God

[stfujessica]

[stfujessica]

roots

[stfujessica]

Starry Night Over the Rhone, Vincent van Gogh.