steve-calls-me-bucky-blog - Tumblr blog

[steve-calls-me-bucky-blog]

https://www.crowdrise.com/o/en/campaign/kaleemwithkindness?utm_campaign=oc&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=crowdrise&fbclid=IwAR3x3MSWebkydj_qccDIC20lRLVNsiGn-NF87UAXAfAZNtaPYCaMWRpibEs Each year, our scavenger hunt rallies to "Change A Life", making a profound difference in the lives of people or communities facing extraordinary hardship. Since the Vietnam war, over 20,000 people in Laos have been injured or killed by unexploded bombs and landmines - over 8,000 of those being children. These explosives lie dormant in fields and some rural areas. Often, a farmer will accidentally strike one, or a child will think it's a ball and pick it up. This year, GISH is teaming up with Random Acts (a 501(c)(3) nonprofit) and our GISH Ambassador, photographer Giles Duley, to help change the lives of Laotian children and families in what is our most ambitious Change A Life to date in two ways: 1. Continue our ongoing efforts to clear unexploded bombs from farmlands. We have already helped make hundreds of acres safe already for the children and families of Laos. 2. Our bigger initiative will help fund the manufacture of much-needed prosthetics for countless Laotian children and adults missing limbs. You'll help provide limbs and arms for children so they can walk to school and play, and farmers so they can provide for themselves and their families. From the funds raised, we hope to improve the lives of thousands in Laos for years to come. https://www.instagram.com/p/B0oLj6hFn3Q/?igshid=g0ifwbyw5hbx

[steve-calls-me-bucky-blog]

*john mulaney voice* i think about that every goddamn day

[steve-calls-me-bucky-blog]

I left the apartment today! Not for long, but I did it! It’s been a good week actually and the weather’s been pretty nice so I felt mostly human again. I grabbed a book and a chair and hauled my ass one slow, fearful step at a time down the stairs and out the back door. Almost didn’t make it through the door itself, but I told myself I’d be damned if I let myself miss such a warm day. And I didn’t die. In fact, I think this weekend I will be venturing into the real world. With real people. Not just a garden. I can do this.

(also, yes. Steve and I have been working our way through all the Disney movies we missed. And look how good I’m getting at using the internet!)

[steve-calls-me-bucky-blog]

Today was... good. I don’t get to say that too often. I have ok days and bad days, but today was good. And I’m 99 years old now! Oh joy. It was a pretty relaxed day, I slept in and mostly just read all day. Sam came over and Steve made dinner, some old recipes from his ma that I hadn’t had in forever. And he made apple cake, which I’m pretty sure is the only thing he knows how to bake. He’s such a patriotic cliché. It’s great.

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In other news, I REMEMBERED MY BIRTHDAY AND IT’S IN TWO DAYS!! I’ll be ninety-fucking-nine years old on March 10th. That’s ridiculously old.  But I remembered it!!

By the way, big thanks to Steve for not telling me and ruining it. My therapist says it’s better for me to remember things on my own and I know how hard it is for Steve to keep a secret. He’s really bad at it.

[steve-calls-me-bucky-blog]

Happy International Women’s Day! I know it’s almost over, but it’s an important issue. Things have definitely gotten better since 1945, but honestly? I would think it would be better than what it is. The theme of the day is gender parity and I think it’s something we need to think about every day of the year, not just one! So I won’t mind too much that the official day is almost over, but instead leave you with this:

“The World Economic Forum predicted in 2014 that it would take until 2095 to achieve global gender parity. Then one year later in 2015, they estimated that a slowdown in the already glacial pace of progress meant the gender gap wouldn't close entirely until 2133.” - InternationalWomensDay.com

[steve-calls-me-bucky-blog]

It’s snowing again today. Why the fucking hell did Steve choose to live in a place where it snows?? Like, I am not the only one here who has issues with the cold, I am not the only one here who has been literally frozen. What kind of stupid, ignorant, imbecilic fool willingly lives in a place that triggers his ptsd over 4 months out of the year?! Damn it Steve... The shit I go through for you...

Fucking hell I hate the cold. It seeps through the layers and layers of clothes and blankets I’m wearing and makes my hand freeze. It’s snowing and it looks like a goddamn snow globe outside and all I can fucking think about is being frozen again. I can’t stand feeling cold, it’s pissing me off. I’m almost always angry to be honest, but a cold, irritable ex-assassin is the worst kind of angry. I’ve already ruined 3 punching bags and scared off Steve when he asked me if I wanted to build a snowman. I think he and I used to do that when we were kids, but I don’t fucking know because those piece of shit bastards took much more than just my arm.

[steve-calls-me-bucky-blog]

Fucking hell I hate the cold. It seeps through the layers and layers of clothes and blankets I’m wearing and makes my hand freeze. It’s snowing and it looks like a goddamn snow globe outside and all I can fucking think about is being frozen again. I can’t stand feeling cold, it’s pissing me off. I’m almost always angry to be honest, but a cold, irritable ex-assassin is the worst kind of angry. I’ve already ruined 3 punching bags and scared off Steve when he asked me if I wanted to build a snowman. I think he and I used to do that when we were kids, but I don’t fucking know because those piece of shit bastards took much more than just my arm.

[steve-calls-me-bucky-blog]

How the dam broke

Steve: blah blah blah blah no parachute blah blah

Me: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL STEVE YOU COULD HAVE DIED DO YOU EVEN GIVE TWO GODDAMN SHITS ABOUT YOURSELF YOU MOTHERFUCKING SHIT FOR BRAINS IRRESPONSIBLE JERK DO I HAVE TO BE YOUR FUCKING BABYSITTER BECAUSE I WILL DON'T YOU EVER DO SOMETHING THAT UNBELIEVABLY FOOLISH AGAIN OR I WILL KICK YOUR SORRY STAR SPANGLED ASS SO HELP ME GOD

Steve: .............sooooooo glad you're talking again

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I met a friend of Steve’s this week, Sam. He’s pretty friendly, I think I like him. He’s been coming over almost every day this week and is helping Steve and me with the internet (note the better-looking blog). I don’t talk around him yet even though I have been talking a little more with Steve. But Steve trusts him more than anyone else so I feel relatively comfortable around him. He’s very calming. I feel like I might actually be able to trust him after a while. Which feels big to me.

But really, what do I know. I don’t even know my own birthday.

[steve-calls-me-bucky-blog]

Usual

You might wonder what “usual” is for Steve and me. It’s not “normal” that’s for sure, but what do you expect from two 90-something-year-olds who have each “died”, been through wars, and are now unemployed (thanks for that Hydra). Well, Steve usually goes running in the mornings with his partner Sam and then, if he doesn’t have any missions, he helps train the “young avengers” (his name for them, not mine). Me, I don’t do much. I don’t like waking up early, but I don’t sleep much at all, so sometimes I haven’t gone to bed at all. I don’t leave the apartment, can’t bring myself to yet. Mostly I read or listen to music or train. Sometimes I just sit and think, which I realize sounds boring, but I’ve got my whole life to piece together. Doing that doesn’t usually make me very happy though, which is how our apartment lost a wall... or two. And the couch... And the kitchen table... And... plenty of other things.

This is why I don’t leave the apartment.

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I said good morning to Steve earlier today. Out loud, even. They were the first words I’ve spoken in months. Felt good. Weird though and I barely recognized my own voice. I’m not sure what allowed those two words out at that particular moment, usually they get stuck halfway like they still think they’ll get beat back in by someone’s hand. Steve just said good morning back like nothing was different and then froze, glass of orange juice hanging midair. He stood like that for 52 seconds - I counted - then looked at me and just kinda gaped like he didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell him he looked like a fish and to close his mouth before he ate a fly or something, but my throat had closed up on me again. So I just shrugged a little and kept eating. He took the hint and we went on as usual.

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Maybe I should introduce myself. Kind of forgot about that part. My name is James Buchanan Barnes, but you can call me “Bucky”. That’s what Steve calls me at least and it sounds better to me than James. Not really sure why, but then I’m not really sure about a lot of things. So we’ll leave the introduction at just my name, the only sure thing I’ve got.

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My therapist recommended I create this online journal, she called it a blog, for a couple reasons. I’m still not talking much, or at all actually, but I’ve found I’m perfectly capable of writing. She seems to think that keeping this journal will help me open up, maybe even help me to start talking again. I’m not sure if I believe her, but I promised Steve (only in my head of course, but still) that I would do my best to get better and he thinks she can help, so here I am. She also thinks it will help me catch up to the world technologically. That I definitely do believe; it took me three stupid hours just to figure out how to set up this blog thing. I may know how to take apart, reassemble and use every modern and not so modern weapon known to man, but computers? Hm. So at the very least I’ll get better at that.