stephdivision - Tumblr blog

[stephdivision]

Hello Tumblr world. Wow it has been a year since I posted something here. Though I only post when my emotions are high or I'm just absolutely lost. Well today, I'm here for the latter.

I am at work right now and yes I'm posting this during work hours cause I am soo lost tbh. In the sea of things I need to iron out, I want to be over with this lol.

We have a huge event coming up and I'm the one sailing the ship. Though I have to say, this is quite exciting but feeling anxious doesn't really help. Who do I blame? Myself, other people, myself? LOL

I keep on blaming myself for all this weight on my shoulders. I easily shrug it off to make it seem or to tell myself that I AM FINE but honey you are not. The heavy feeling just doubled and I just want it gone.

Don't get me wrong, my life right now is not that sad :D Our second cousin from the US is visiting us. She'll arrive here in CDO this Friday and the family (being a Filipino) we are doing ALOT of things to make her visit comfortable and fun :D. We already had 2 meetings for her visit here and there's no concrete plan Hahaha. Well I guess we have to wing it! (I think).

Lastly, I want to share that amidst all of the things going on, I want to specifically share to you that I am absolutely grateful for my officemates who have kept me sane in work and outside of work. I am very lucky to know them.

Well that's it. A piece of my life right now.

Xo

[stephdivision]

DROWNING IN SELF-DOUBT:

Hello world!

I'm back in the pit of sadness and self-doubt to the point that I'm literally listening to podcast and sad songs- that's how fucking sad I am.

And now I'm assessing myself like WTF what am I worth? WHAT IS THE FUCKING PURPOSE? Does every 23 year old have to go through this? I don't find my job existing, life in general taste like bland chicken breast. THAT BORING. I try to be smart at this. I listen to myself, I'm being honest to myself. It's soo hard to give myself that push because I do blame myself for all of these emotions. People would say it's normal and how it's part of the process. It's just soo hard to receive everything all at once. I do try to make peace with everything and try to be positive about it but TANGINA ang hirap.

They say I have to put more positive energy out there, but that's too much energy I can't handle. I do have to face the fact that this was rooted long ago. I do think it started in highschool. I think I gave myself soo much pressure trying to please myself and others. I made sure that people would look at me in a certain way, I was only honest to a few people, pitied myself for my lows and didn't bother carrying myself back. I hate how I tried to keep it in and I hate that I kept blaming myself for everything.

This is the first time that I'm feeling these emotions that I really have no time and to just brush it off. TANGINA. I hate this feeling. I hate it here. KAPAGOD.

[stephdivision]

KEEPING MY HOPES UP, *as I should LOL

It's already March, WTF!

Here's another attempt of drowning myself with my thoughts, mostly doubts and a WHOLE LOT of existential crisis.

My officemates and I are dreading our 8-5 jobs, I mean who's not? Is this a phase? Is this something we have to get through, are we missing something?

But to be honest, I think that my officemates' comments are making it hard for me LOL. Everyday is just an endless thread and messanger dings about how they hate their job. If I were to be honest, it isn't that hard or something to complain about especially I've been to situations where I literally could cry everyday LOL.

For me its literally, just trying to find my purpose in life and trying to find a lifestyle that I can live sustainability till my hair turns gray.

Am I being lazy, you know people are literally out there making BIG changes not just in their lives but for the WORLD like hello Greta Thunberg, how to be you po?

I keep on getting motivated by these videos, books, posts online on saying YES to things, GROW, be a better YOU.

So now here are the top 3 things that I can do, I know I can.

1. Loose Weight (again), lol I just want to feel good about myself and I believe I can do soo much better If I feel more confident about myself. So I'll have a strict diet, that means, eating less, I wont eat dinner and when I feel the urge to eat/drink something that I should, I'll give myself 1tbsp to get thru it lol

2. Take my Masters, I'm putting my foot down, I'll take my Masters this year. Itaga niyo sa bato LOL. Now I just have to choose what course I should take. Should I do Public Ad? We shall see.

3. DO NOT LET THE EXTERNAL FACTORS GET INTO YOU. Don't get into office gossip, you don't need to have an opinion TBH. Just be productive at work. AGAIN, DONT LET THEM GET INTO YOU.

I really hope that the next time I post here, sana naman I can do all these 3. I'm keeping my hopes up!

[stephdivision]

Where are we? Who are we?, the 23 -year old asked.

Hello interbots of the internet, I'm back at it again with some life update because this account has become a public diary lol.

There's not a lot going on today. The year is about to end and my officemates and I are just waiting for our contracts to be renewed. Yup we're still going to succumb to capitalism in this dog-eat-dog country. I don't know how many times I've thought of wanting to move to a different country and question why I was born in this country. I know, how selfish and ungreatful right? well if you have been watcing the news or scroll around twitter, the Philippines in troubled water, in deep debt, and it seems like the level of stupidity is rising also :o I don't want to get red tagged or anything because apperently weird people on the internet does thgat shit because in 2020 the word "independence" have evolved. But let's not dive into that because honestly I dont even know where to start or how and where to end lol.

Now back to ME hahahaha. Yes, I'm still at my 8-5 job which sucks ass because I literally cant see myself doing this shit for YEARS. I mean how do these baby boomers do it? how did they get stucked in this routine? Why cant life be as happy as waking up in a peaceful and quiet home maybe in the countryside of england or an isand in palawan or hawaii where kindness, generosity, love, understanding, humanity is the currency? Why did we let these moguls rob us? why we fucking live a life like bretmanrock? he's living like LIVING. Ugh I know it's not good to compare yourself to others but DAMN damn DAMN hahaha.

How does one live it's best life? Where does one have to go or have to be to find one's purpose? What is the problem? What are we doing? Should I be worried that I'm already 23 and I'm still tring to figure iut shit? Is it weird that my biggest accomplishment this year is getting my insurance? Does God really have a plan for all of us? is He actually leading us to the way where we are supposed to get in to? or have we depended too much on the external factors that we dont even actually know what we're looking at and for?

Will there come a day where tumblr will ever see the "me" that I'm looking and waiting for?

Hoping for your kind consideration.

xo - steph

[stephdivision]

new year special: unpotato self-care package

Last post for New Year Special! Through this series, I hope that we can all overcome our insecurities and take care of ourselves more during the next year! 💙 Self-care is not selfish, and you cannot spread the positivity to others when you are insecure about their performance. ❤️

[stephdivision]

Fight for better days. 

[stephdivision]

„My prayers hold you when my arms can’t.“

[stephdivision]

favorite snack recipes to keep you fueled

Hi, I’ve been a foodie all of my whole lives and here are some of my best favorite snack recipes that help me to recover from energy drain. Also remember to reward yourself with snacks no matter how big or small your achievement is! 

If you prefer to have a drink, then ice cafe mocha is a good choice to try out. If you crave savory today, then try out guac + chips! Feel free to modify the recipes to fit your taste and needs! 🍪☕️🍫🍞🍙

[stephdivision]

A little window just for take-away coffee, hidden down a side-street ✨

[stephdivision]

I think we’ve gone bananas :o  Hello tumblr world, are you still there? 

The last time I posted or tried to post here the world was massively different. 

We, like the world, has been battling against COVID-19 for a month already. We have lost lives, heroes fallen but definitely not forgotten, choices we wished didn’t happen and the constant fear and anxiety keeps on crippling in.  After weeks in quarantine, I am back at the office. Everything feels weird. I always feel uneasy seeing everyone wearing mask like it was already an attachment to their bodies. Everytime I touch something I always grab my alcohol and pump a spray. From my ride home to my office I have to use atleast 10 times in the morning that my hands’ moisture left my skin at this point. 

As living species in this generation, I believe it’s human nature that we dig in for some silver lining. Alot of people (I think) have already gave their unsolicited points on the things they have realized or learned so let me be just ~any other bitch~ out there and share my cents. 

1. Tiktok: No matter people say about tiktok but tiktok made this quarantine entertaining than the latter. I was entertained, educated and more aware of social issues or how harry styles and his pianist are going out. (They’re not, the girl has a boyfriend lol). Plus, I was more confident on dancing tiktok dance craze with my sister. 

2. Baking: Yup, this list keeps on getting BASIC hahaha. I baked brownies, cookies, cookies, tiktok cookies, baked chicken and more cookies. Some would say it’s a coping mechanism. 

3. Exercies: I think one thing I totally regret was not exercising on the 1st week of quarantine. I started exercising probably 2 weeks ago. I downloaded the Fitness App that makes working out quite doable. This was also the same app I used back when I started to exercise but then it all fell to pieces lol. I also did some dance central on the xbox. We were soo bored we opened again our xbox lol and I’m so proud that I can still well quite remember the steps to my favorite BANGERz lol. Me and my sisters also did chloe ting videos EVERYDAY which I think was really the reason why I was motivated to exercise and look after my calorie intake.

4. Netflix: Not a reflection or a place of growth but when I think of what I did during quarantine, this definitely came out but who really didn’t Netflix and chill lol. 

Yup, sHeS LikE eVerY oTheR BitCh. 

Soo  that’s that on quarantine and all the sympathy, love and respect to our brave frontliners. We wouldn’t have the luxury of doing these things without you. 

Sending you all light and prayers with the hope for this to be over and that you may come to your home safely without fear soon. 

xoxo

[stephdivision]

Living a  plain, bland, steamed chicken Life:

Today I feel like writing my thoughts. Thought numero uno is, why am I not living a creative life? 

All of my pre and post teen (ways to prevent using the term ‘adult’) I always leaned on film, music, art, and media and any form of what I may consider “art”. From making diys, selling, posting videos, looking for ways for innovative ways to make manual effects. From light leaks to fish-eye effects oh and omg let’s not forgot making my diy drone/camera stick LOL. I would spend weekends taking pictures and videos, scrolling thru tumblr and pinterest looking for inspirations, watching movies and tv series that fed my pa-indie soul. But I loved every minute of it. Looking for highly recommended and underrated movies and series and fangirling over it to my friends which they never really asked for and omg how i could forget, the blog posts i dedicate to these films. 

Now, my life has been one plain, bland, steamed chicken. I wake up, do my morning routine, work, home. That’s it. How pathetic right? I wish I could say “Oh after work I go to my yoga class” or “Oh I’ll be at a cafe editing photos and videos” but no I literally just scroll my phone thru ig feeds, twitter and watch yt videos. I absolutely hate it but still I’m out here doing that same old shit every freaking day. I feel like settled dust. It’s like ok the dust is pretty visible even 5 meters away but then you also know that nothing will go wrong if you don’t clean it up. I’m living a basic life in the midst of this existential crisis. Worrying not leaving an impact of living with purpose but still @self you’re not doing anything. 

Any therapist out there willing to give a free dm consultation, pls do. 

Let me just hop back to the basic-arse train and hopefully I can give you some happy and good news when I decide to post shit here lol. 

xox 

[stephdivision]

2020 VISION MISSION *chos*

Hello 2020! (I just heard myself in a Joe Goldberg of the netflix series You tone) I think for how many years of me writing down my formal welcome to the year it’s safe to say that I try to make it casual lol. Well things are pretty different this year. Well for starters, I’m employed and things seems to be more different. From how I utilize my day which means consuming my day with binge watching yt and netflix since I never really got to watch series as I used to do lol I don’t know why there’s a clear emphasis on my end on how its quite disappointing for me not to end even one episode per night hahhahah cause I used to ham on binge watching and looking/watching tv series that’s not on everyone’s radar lol exhibit a, b99, orphan black, money heist. hhahahaha idk where this post is going at this point lol. I’m currently on my job desktop ha and i just moved at the perfect location where I can clearly see my boss coming lol. 

This post is a draft. I’m so sleepy and all I want to do is to do something. ; 

[stephdivision]

“After a while you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning And company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts And presents aren’t promises, And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your eyes open With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, And you learn to build all your roads on today Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn… That even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… That you really are strong And you really do have worth… And you learn and learn… With every good-bye you learn.”

— Jorge Luis Borges, You Learn

[stephdivision]

Hello my readers or internet bots, LIFE UPDATE!!

Wow my previous post was soo dark and sad hahahaha I can’t believe I went through that shit hole but hella humbled by the whole experience of being unemployed, having a shitty 1st job and resigning because bitch deserves hella better. 

So now that I’m in a ~better place~ i can now give you, again, a life update!! I’m currently working now at a job that pays me well. I am surrounded by crazy smart and makabayan people who will probably put “Para sa bayan” on their tombstone and damn they deserve that. I work will intelligent people who are scholars since highschool to masters like WOW. They motivate me to think bigger and to never stop learning hence the reason why I’m taking up the chemical technician test this october and I also enrolled myself to a barsita class. I know daming time ni ate buttttt hey the oppurtunity is there might as well grab it. 

The first month was really BAD. I got too intiminated by everyone because again they’re soo smart like i believe 60% in the office graduated in UP soo ya that shit got the best of me and my boss is such a perfectionist but damn i respect her soo much. Even though there are days where I disappoint her I try my best to challange myself to be better especially since im just a contract of service staff, I have to show her that I can do it so that I can renew my contract and hopefully my project sustains. Right now, I’m quite comfortable already with the environment. I don’t get intimidated as much as before but right now I see them as friends and we try our best to lift each other up. 

I finally got to experience office routines, ang babaw but things like eating at the kalinderya with them feels like I’m in a star magic romcom movie, to eating alot of snacks, drinking coffe while working, getting excited when it’s someone’s bday or someone brought food for the office and OMG the milktea delivery hahaha. 

I still alot of things to improve on but little by little I learn from my mistakes and I try my best to expand my knowledge in my field. Right now, my boss is out for almost two week which means I can put my shoulder down because sis the woman still scares the shit out of me and there are days that I dont have anything major to do sooo ya I’m here on tumblr lol. ok sooo I hope when I give you another life update it’s either I’m still working here or I’m on a better job IDK wherever floats my bloat. 

fin.

[stephdivision]

“I hope you live without the need to dominate, and without the need to be dominated. I hope you are never victims, but I hope you have no power over other people. And when you fail, and are defeated, and in pain, and in the dark, then I hope you will remember that darkness is your country, where you live, where no wars are fought and no wars are won, but where the future is. Our roots are in the dark; the earth is our country. Why did we look up for blessing — instead of around, and down? What hope we have lies there. Not in the sky full of orbiting spy-eyes and weaponry, but in the earth we have looked down upon. Not from above, but from below. Not in the light that blinds, but in the dark that nourishes, where human beings grow human souls.”

—

Ursula K. Le Guin, “A Left-Handed Commencement Address” (Mills College, 1983)

this passage planted itself in my consciousness when i was 24, and 10 years later, it informs so much of my approach to living, thinking, creating.

(via quantumcorean)

[stephdivision]

FEB 2019 “I feel pathetic”

Hi my non-existing readers, I just had that moment where I question my purpose in life. I’m 21, unemployed for almost a year and if “Pathetic” doesn’t really cover out how my life looks like right now I absolutely don’t know what would. I think things crumbled down for me lately because I decided to sit down during dinner which means a chance for my parents to talk about my plans for my life and that exactly happened last night. I hate it when they make me feel like I like staying here at home and feel like shit and pathetic. I don’t think they know that that’s how I feel because I always try to make everyone happy and satisfy them by making jokes and by just make the atmosphere joyful just to distract them from asking me about me. 

I’ve wanted to tell them what I think and what I want to do but I’m pretty sure, with the 21 years that I have been living inside this house I’m 100% sure they wouldn’t approve. They wouldn't say that directly but I pretty much know that they would somehow make me feel like I couldn’t do it. All my life I think that there’s a part of me that has been passionate about arts but I grew up in an environment where you can't think about making your passion as your living. First, I was amazed by the beauty behind photo and videography but nope you can’t do that. Honey that won't pay the bills. I wanted to transfer to Development Communication but nope you cant be a shiftee that would just bring inconvenience. I have soo many regrets in my life right now just because I was too scared to break the straight line. Now, I feel sad and completely empty and again truly pathetic for not doing what I want. I really want to go back to school and learn something new but then nope, you just flushed down loads of money that your parents’ worked day and night for. 

Lately, I’ve been reading self-help books to cope up with this existential crisis. I’m currently ready IKIGAI  by Albert Liebermann and Hector Garcia . It’s about the Japanese’s secret to a happy and purposeful life. But I stopped because I completely didn't feel the need to be motivated because I have completely lost my mind thinking about my life’s purpose.  People are thinking about their future right now and maybe are done thinking about insurance right now but I’m still here thinking about my past, present and future. fuck, life is playing with me right now. I also try my best to control my energy around me because I do believe in that shit but sometimes negativity pulls me down so hard that I can’t or I’m too weak (mentally and physically) to pull myself back up.

I’m a centimeter close to being hopeless but I believe that my day will come and that things will turn out ok someday. I just really hope that the day will come where I can share some good thoughts with you cause I surely need one right now. 

[stephdivision]

Just starting my 2019 lol LETS GO!