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It finally hit

It’s the first day, first day it’s officially over. I cried I continue to cry thinking what have I done wrong? was it just to late? what if I never broke things off? I go out each night trying to have fun and for what? To come home and get reminded that I’m sad. Depressed. Exhausted. I lay here looking into our daughters eyes like what do I do?? How do I continue to smile to such a beautiful face when all I can think about it’s how much our life is falling apart. I’m just sad I really am. I dread going to work, walking up just being a live because every little thing reminds me of you. I’m tired of this!! I want it all to go away. I feel dumb, I literally was telling everyone we were going to get back together to just get slapped in the face with some news like that. But you’ve made your choice & although I’m not to fond of you rn I will respect you as her father and carry on with life. How do I feel? How have I been feeling? I don’t even know how to describe it. Yes at first I was confused very confused. Didn’t know if I could move on from the past. Didn’t know if you changed. Didn’t know if you really loved me like I loved you. I then started to realize and think.. what am I doing??? I love you, I loved you so much why am I wasting time? Why aren’t I with you?? Just seemed like once I noticed that it was to late. We’d fuck I’d make excuses to see you and then I’d never get a text or nothing and although it felt so good in the moment it wasn’t worth going home and crying bc I knew we weren’t going anywhere. So where do I stand? Alone. Very sad and alone. I feel like the world is against me & im trying to push forward not only for me but for my daughter as well. It’s hard lifting myself up bc I noticed when I cry I no longer have anyone to cry to. I’ve lost not only my boyfriend but my bestfriend and that’s what hurts the most. But I don’t want to seem like our relationship was all bad. There was a lot of good memories. When we skipped school and you came with fluffy to pick me up. Or when we went to the beach and yannooo lmao. Or that time when we went to Portland with david and I went on that one way!! lol although I’m not happy rn i can’t help but think of all the memories we’ve had. I have dreams of me waking up and you playing Fortnite again at the tv and me just being with Sophie... I finally blocked you on everything. I decided if I’m going to move on from you I must do it the right way. I have to take everything down, I have to delete all the pics I have to do everything to at least just not think about you as much. And it super hard when the one thing I can’t move away is sophie. She’s a part of you, she laughs like you, has your lips, makes that little mad face you do. She’s you. Literally. And it hurts having to see you everyday in her. I love her so much I do and I literally hate crying in front of her. Not because she laughs at me (which she does sometimes) but because when I’m hella crying she just comes to me and holds me, gives me a big hug and I can’t help but think she gets that from you. It’s 8am and tbh I don’t know why I’m writing this. I just felt like I need to put it all down and maybe I’d feel better about it. Maybe it’d be fine. But geez I know this is just the beginning but I’m just scared to move on. But this is time. It’s time to move on. So I guess this is good bye Sergio. I know you’re never going to read this but good bye. I will never love someone as much as I loved you. And I wish literally nothing but the absolute best for you.

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“It may have been in pieces, but I gave you the best of me.”

— Jim Morrison

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Blessings

I remember the day you messaged me, July 8th. Feels like it was just yesterday. I remember thinking to myself how crazy it was that it was you & how charming and good looking you were. You knew all the right words to say, you knew exactly how to make me smile even through all the pain I was suffering at that time. Fast forward to the day we met, September 2nd gosh I had so much butterfly’s!! I was debating whether to go or not but I knew it meant a lot to you if I went so there I go to your game. I get there and all I can think is how handsome you are and how I can’t wait to hear your voice in person!! The game ended and all the emotions filled me and I was so nervous but once I saw you it’s like it all went away, you made me feel so comfortable a feeling I’ve never felt with a man before. Moving on to September 13th the best day of my life, the day you officially asked me to be your girlfriend. We had such an amazing day I wouldn’t change it for the world. After that we continue to date till I broke it off and broke your heart. I will forever regret that day. A week later we got back together and it felt amazing, that week we broke up I felt something missing and I knew it was you, you helped me through the worst part of my life and I will forever be greatful for that. But after we got back together I knew something felt different. You treated me different, acted different but I thought it would be temporary. We continue to make amazing memories and of course like all couples have we had a few arguments but nothing we couldn’t handle. Then you started to slowly lose my trust by talking to females but since I had love and trust for you I knew you could change. Well at least I thought. Year and 4 months later we have a beautiful child. You stuck next to me & held my hand through the process and i knew you would be the one I could see myself with for the rest of my life. But I guess I was wrong. You continued to talk to females after telling me you stopped. You lied to my face and continued to. I keep thinking to myself what I did wrong, why I wasn’t enough?? i knew all good things come to an end I just thought we wouldn’t. I loved this man with all my heart yet he could sleep next to me, kiss me, touch me, say he loves me while betraying me & talking to girls while I sleep. Now what do I do?? I catch myself crying because everything reminds me of you. I’ve never hurt this much by someone. I really thought this person loved me and would forever. I don’t know what to do anymore. Sad thing is, I still want him happy. I still hope that one day we can work things out. I still have hope that he will miss us and will come home. But yanno what, I’ll be okay soon

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What am I doing wrong? Is it even me anymore?

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so tired of sleeping alone

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tell me you wanna see me

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Khalid - Winter

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I just want to go on a long walk in the rain & think

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I get way too sensitive when I get attached to someone. I can detect the slightest change in the tone of their voice, and suddenly I’m spending all day trying to figure out what I did wrong.

Brandon Stanton, Humans of New York (via wordsnquotes)

“Unfortunately I never figured it out…..And they abandoned me”

(via sorry-im-worthless-forgive-me)

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