steal-meat

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6/8/20

I haven’t done anything productive in my entire life if I die now what would I show for it just a waste of muscle and Sinew what will I do I think I’m more afraid for staying still then death

-spirit 5:21

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Email 10/23/19

It was real I know it was I saw an email with her name on it . I’m still debating if it was real or not I deleted it so fast like all my other email I couldn’t save it in time so it’s just stuck in my head if it was real or not I can’t tell I even emailed her back the second I thought it was I can’t believe I try to talk to her second I thought she might have sent something my way. I don’t believe she ever will, but it ain’t all bad it feels different when you are running solo it’s kinda weird that A person I talk to everyday just doesn’t talk to me anymore she runs though my head often I hate that I do cuz I know she ain’t doing the same. I have to keep telling myself she doesn’t it kinda eases the pain in a worse way. I hope I cross her mind every now and then.

-spirit 3:46am

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Ontological 10/14/19

I live in repeat. I don’t know why I am the way I am, what kind of state I am in I’m going crazy I don’t know what to do I just want to run

-1:37am

Spirit

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Dang, no shleep

8/23/19

5:16am

It’s been awhile huh it’s not like you have time you have so much free time it’s crazy how much you do nothing that’s why you feel stuck it’s cuz you have no drive and the only friend you have has an inferno and you’re just the water that tries to put it out god you’re pathetic I don’t want to even talk to me anymore

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Me

I kinda knew I was holding her back but I couldn’t really face the facts I’m glad ur doing good, but I wish I was too. I’m jealous if I’m being honest it feels like my life have lost meaning judging living for today and not thinking of tomorrow and I’ve come to realize that I forced meaning onto you I’m sorry but I gotta stop that so I’m just gonna see what I can do with my self see what I can do solo.

-spirit

2/15/19

00:57

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“I don’t need you, I never did”

9/15/18

Just got punched in the gut in my emotions. Everything is starting to feel the same and I hate that I’m getting used to it. I felt like I was never needed ever I guess it’s just my selfish desire to feel needed but going through the grind of life is really bringing me down and I don’t know how everyone else is dealing with it.

Stuff is ruff

Spirit

1:44am

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Stuff we did 6/30/18

Hey I just found out this morning that this year’s warped tour will be the last and instantly I remember the time we went there and see all the booths,bands, and the vinyl records were there also, that we got two of the same vinyl one for your girlfriend and I got one because you didn’t have enough money to get yourself one and I remember you had it signed by the singer for her and I just wanted to one up you so I got the back up singer to sign it too. I bet I look really stupid. The point I’m trying to say is that I as soon as I heard that it was it’s last year it was a reason for me to talk to you it might’ve been a dumb excuse but it was a reason to try to talk to you again and hopefully try to go together for it’s last year but it was just me wanting to hang out again and have fun again I really missed doing fun junk

Spirit

2:19am

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From the brink 6/17/18

The first real day of my job training was over and I knew what to do and what a better day to start then a Saturday the busiest time for for any restaurant it wasn’t so bad I felt like I was helping but around 8 it started to pick up I could not believe how many people were there I had to skip lunch to help out with everyone to sitting down costumers,ordering and then to washing dishes I felt like I was a one man team it felt pretty great after the rush was over but I could’ve done it faster though the boss told me to pick up the pace and that alone freaked me out because I wanted to help not to slow everyone down but at the end the boss told me I didn’t do so bad she told me i did better then most ppl on there first day so it wasn’t so bad

-7:39am

Spirit

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Heart to heart 6/1/18

My dad is the spitting definition of a man I never seen him cry not even at his brother funeral he just sat there looking at him, yeah he got sad but I know he didn’t show it , he once almost stabbed his finger off he was trying to get something unstuck with a knife and the next thing I see is his bone on his index finder and then he looks at me and says “dangit” ....like who’s ever that chill when almost loseing a finger

I have always resented my dad for not being there for me and always calling me a loser and a degenerate but even after that there’s 2 things that I still have for him it’s my respect and love for him and for the first time in my living life we had a heart to heart I told him my problems it took me all my strength to do it but he said “it’s alright “ I couldn’t tell at first but to my disbelief he was crying, I couldn’t believe it. Then like a truck my emotions got the better of me and we just hugged it out never had a feeling like that. I’m happy that I got to experience it

Love you pops

-spirit

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Lost 5/13/18

Have you ever fucked up so bad you wonder around for a couple hours after the fact thinking what you could’ve done. I know it was wrong of me too keep pushing the subject but damn how did the argument get that far I didn’t know it was such a heavy subject for her. When the argument got to the peak I couldn’t stop smiling not because I was enjoying it but it was because it was the only way not to show I wasn’t about to cry..... not a single spoken words between us only for a minute it might have been forever sitting there in that thick cloud of silence knowing I went to far I couldn’t even look her in the eye.

“Can you leave”

She said it without hesitation the most cold way of saying it not even looking at me then outi went. I didn’t go back but I didn’t leave I was just dumbfounded of what just occurred so I got myself lost went on the tracks into small stores knowing that I really fuck that up then I found myself at the small part right before the entrance of the streets sitting there was so lonely. I wanted to go back before I left for go but I knew she wouldn’t give me the time of day let alone even looking at me.

5:54am

Spirit

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Move 4/28/18

I don’t feel like I’m moving forward, out of everyone I know I am the only person standing still while everyone is in front moving forward with a purpose and I’m scared

Spirit 3:03am

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Nice 3/31/18

What a good weekend a concert on Friday and a convention on Saturday it was amazing I completely forgot about how sick I was during the week. First Friday I didn’t know I was going to a concert until the day before at first I really didn’t because of how sick I was but Blair convinced me to go so she even paid for my ticket that was really nice of her the band was great it is probably my top 3 concert ever, then Saturday we went to a con where she bought 3 knifes the first one she bought she managed to cut herself within a couple seconds I couldn’t believe it she doesn’t even need more knives but she still wanted them. We tried to meet up with a friend from the past Blair was excited to see her again after a while but I guess she really didn’t feel the same way I tried my best to make them connect but I guess it didn’t happen she ditched us after a while was it me that she didn’t like it..... well Blair told she had more fun with me then with her so that made me feel better. In the end I had a great time with her. Even with all this happyness there was something dark in the back of my mind my mom around 4 in the morning she came crying to me she told me she couldn’t handle it anymore and for the first time in my life I heard someone genuinely say they wanted to kill them self I don’t know why it sacred me I never knew fear like that before I will try my best for my mom. I’m sorry I left im a negative but with every positive there’s a negative

11:40pm

Spirit

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I’m here 3/12/17

I’m sorry I’m not there anymore, but I am here today right now and I’m always cheering you on also, I hope you been doing good. Man it’s been going by so fast I’m already halfway done with my college classes it’s crazy how fast it goes.

-spirit

12:50 am

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Putting on patches 1/27/18

It was nice seeing her again she’s different from the last time from her hair color to her views on certain things, but it’s still nice to know that she has the same sense of humor, a nice smile, and her struggles. While we hanging out I bought a jacket it’s the type of jacket you can put patches on it and to me that’s how I see her our friendship every memory I have with her is another patch on that jacket and I want that jacket to be filled with patches. I wonder how she sees our friendship.....I’m glad I’m able to put patches on the jacket again

-Spirit

1:27am

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I’ll see you later 1/18/18

I’m excited things are looking up for me but if they fall flat then I’ll definitely be devastated honestly I just don’t think I can handle it anymore.

-Spirit

12:21am

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Crying sucks 11/30/17

I have given up on myself and everyone has too I feel like I’m alone no one wants to even acknowledge I exist not even my friends but that’s not my tipping point my dad sent me a text telling me that he’s putting me in the reserves but that did make me lose it it’s what he said he told me “ you are a fuckin loser” and that what broke me it was kinda funny because I at the time I was smiling then I just froze then tears started falling out of my eyes it’s because he’s right I’m done with everything I’m done.

-spirit

1:19am

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Disappointed 11/23/17

That’s what he said to me when I told him I was busy here and wasn’t able to go out of town for him I’m sorry I had to prepare for the wedding this Friday and help with the prep work on Thursday. I’m sorry Dad for being what you hate the most a disappointment

-spirit

4:15am