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[staysavie]

365 days ago,

It would have been your due date month. You were due 09/29/2021

I was so excited whenever I found out I was pregnant with you. I remember praying it was a girl. Lyric was so excited to be a bigger brother yo you. I was terrified but so happy. I was already planning things that were so far out but I didn’t care because I wanted to go ahead and have some ideas together to go off of later on. So much love, hope, dreams, and myself died along with you that I’ll never be able to get back. Losing you changed me not only physically from having the partial hysterectomy, but mentally and most of all emotionally. I was numb for months after 02/05/2021. A day I’ll never forget thanks to your father and honestly I’m so thankful you never got to meet him. I truly believe god took you when he did because he knew I wouldn’t leave him. He knew I wouldn’t be able to escape the torture and toxcicity with you and lyric involved. It would’ve drove me even more to be that perfect family. The one I desire still to this day so badly. It’s taken many long nights to be able to accept that your death is permanent. There is nothing that I can do to get you back. Nothing that I could’ve done differently would have changed the outcome. No words or actions would make any difference. All the tears wouldn’t bring you back to me. You are simply gone.. and I have to carry on. Not only for myself but your big brother needs me to be both his mom and his dad.

[staysavie]

I genuinly understand when people make the statement, watch who you choose to have children with, or even allow that possibility to happen with. I wish I knew back then what I know and have experienced now. So many things I would change, I love my child and believe soulfully the things I have experienced have led me to be who I am today. I remember being in a car seat once before many years ago asking my mom or dad why they weren’t together and why we couldn’t be a family. Now I look up into my rear view mirror and see my son looking back at me with tears rolling down his sweet face, asking me mommy why aren’t you with my daddy anymore? True heartbreak. I feel like I have failed him as his mother. I do not miss being with his father by any means, I wouldn’t wish this type of guilt on anyone. I blame me. I should’ve left sooner. I should’ve spoken out more about the abuse. I shouldn’t have let so much be okay or slide. Where was my voice? Why didn’t I stand up for me? For lyric? So many questions my mind spirals into a rabbit whole of them.. One day I hope to be at peace with all the choices I have made and pray that I make them right from here on out.

[staysavie]

At this point I’m making a fool out of myself by staying in this situation.

[staysavie]

Begging someone for change and then getting so much reassurance that you actually believe them.. just for them to shit on you with their actions. They do speak louder. Idk why I ever thought otherwise.

[staysavie]

Mentally exhausted is such an understatement

[staysavie]

One sign of weakness and they use it to try to warp your brain into thinking you are the issue.

[staysavie]

One sign of weakness and they use it to try to warp your brain into thinking you are the issue.

[staysavie]

My life has been a total lie. The way I viewed things before are not at all what I want or to be present in

[staysavie]

The real questions to ask yourself is why do we allow people to treat us so badly and still want to love them?

[staysavie]

The moment you realize you created a life with someone who is in fact a monster in a human body. I wouldn’t change things because of my kid, however how do I grow from this? I crave a change I don’t know how to achieve.