starmie-journey

[starmie-journey]

2020.05.09 - I had a breakdown today

I’m not sure when it started creeping up on me, it must have been at least a few months. I can’t put a finger on it either. 

At what point did this amalgamation of negative emotions take root in every corner of my mind? Feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, envy, jealousy, disappointment, self-doubt, anger, sadness, longing. There was so much longing. 

Since I was a child, I’ve been a dreamer. A chronic day dreamer, drawing up scenes and sights in my mind, voices and music. And then there’d always be a version of myself I’d want to be, or someone with skills, talents, looks that I wanted so much to have. (Maladaptive dreaming? I don’t know, I’m not a professional.)

There was so much longing. But as much as I was a dreamer, I guess I always knew that I lived in a reality where... well reality happens. Dreams stay dreams. And in reality, I did try to push myself to do well. I know I wasn’t a Type A level of driven, motivated and ambitious, but I really did try my best. 

At some point I think I feel behind my best, or my best simply wasn’t enough anymore. And the self-doubt and disappointment, all that negativity that is building up is holding me back even more as I try and fail and fail and try. 

I still don’t know if I’m doing well. My expectations are fluctuating as well. 

And then there’s the loneliness. 

For friends who get me, for a significant other that I can depend on, for people I can count on to have my back. I don’t know what changed but I’m having so much trouble opening up and making friends now. I’m losing all my confidence. I avoid replying messages. Why? 

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I was feeling lonely, I wasn’t having much hope in finding a romantic relationship, or even a meaningful friendship. 

Then I started reading a few webtoons again after a few months of not bothering at all. It was nice, to see loyalty, friendship and trust again. It was nice to see that it is possible to depend on other humans. It was a nice change, after not reading or watching anything for quite a while. 

And then I watched a rom com series, simply cos everyone was raving about how good it was. Heck I got netflix just for this. And it was great, I was having the time of my life laughing along with the characters. I was understanding their worries and woes, but also their joy and happiness. And then it wasn’t that great. 

I wanted hope of happiness and joy. But then there was longing. For a significant other to depend on, for someone to hold, for someone to lean on. I missed the feeling of having someone’s company to look forward to. Knowing that someone looks forward to my company as well. The feeling of warmth and happiness, being unable to stop smiling. The feeling of loving someone who loves me as well. I wanted someone I could trust and love and hold and love even more. 

And it got worse. Of course the conflicts came, the break ups came, feelings were hurt. There was a whole lot of loneliness, rejection, dejection. That’s when I got to my lowest point. 

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I’ve had a few relationships, all didn’t end in a pretty manner. I don’t think I really talked about the specifics with my friends. I just wanted to be OVER it. I just wanted to forget everything and be happy again. And I think at some point my mind really did box them up, shove them in a corner of my mind. I was hurting very much, and then not really. I think about them every now and then, through the viewing glass of the ugly enclosure. Just looking, breath held, for just a moment. But I forgot, leaving it in that ugly enclosure, with my little longings and regrets as fodder, it grew and grew. I never gave it any thought, I mean they were all safely tucked in there right?

I had a friend tell me that I need to open up, that it’d be tiring for my friends as well if they can’t know what I’m thinking. I really want to, I’ve longed to be able to tell my friends everything. But I can’t. At some point I lost the trust I had, by no fault of my friends I think. But I feel like a burden, an idiot for even having worries in the first place. So I try to get by on my own. Is that why I’ve become so lonely and alone? A wall built up, thinking that I could live on my own, with just superficial friendships that I do not need to nurture? 

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Back to the drama. 

You know I was really having a great time, immersing myself in the characters that brought joy and laughter through comedy. And by the time the conflicts came, I’ve sunk deep enough that their own conflicts are bringing up so many negative emotions within me. A little demon goblin, released within my mind, in search of that monster of a mess I kept hidden away. And there it went, releasing that behemoth, that tangled mess of emotions. 

Every single time I got hurt, every break up, every single time I felt rejection. The main lead was purposefully hurting his co-lead with harsh words, and I was purposefully hurting myself by dredging up every single incident that has made me feel the same way. 

That time I reached out to someone I was longing for but he brushed me off like a pest, in front of a new girl he had found. It was humiliating but that didn’t bother me as much as the hurt and rejection. 

That other time with another guy when I finally released all the pent up stress and frustration, being so sorry that I was upset about him always being busy, thinking that we’d then talk about it and work things out. But the next day, right after work, he came to meet me and I reached out to him and he pushed me away, and started saying all hurtful things that I didn’t want to hear and ultimately walking away from me. 

Another time when I tried to keep my spirits up and share about all my excitement and happiness but I just felt like I was talking to a cold stone wall. Every single time I tried to keep a smile on my face hoping for him to warm up to me but he didn’t really bother. 

And yet another time when I felt so upset cos I was emotionally so fatigued I just couldn’t commit anymore and I was so so upset because I was throwing in the towel. And I cried so much, but there was no one there for me, and I didn’t really try hard to reach out either I guess. And because there wasn’t a safe place I could be, I guess I didn’t cry enough either. 

And this show was dredging all these memories up. All these memories that I never really did try to get over truly, but instead repressed. And all at once I was feeling SO SO SO lonely. Rejection, dejection, fear, anger, sadness, disappointment everything everything everything just came up. And I don’t know how it can exist simultaneously but there was so much emptiness. For a moment I was so very fearful that these are the emotions that I have to carry with me for the rest of my life alone, and I was so lonely. 

I couldn’t handle the barrage of emotions today. I cried all day. 

To be honest, I’ve been crying since last night. And today when I woke up, it wasn’t fine and I cried all day. 

How many more times must I deal with this? 

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Today, I opened up to a few friends. Not all of them had details, but I took the first step to say that I’m having a very very hard time. 

I had a friend talk me through my emotions in a logical way. I had a friend give me hope of the future. I have friends who admit they do feel the same way and they do go through this as well. I am not as lonely as before. Or rather, I am not as lonely as I thought I was. 

The thought lingers, what about 10 years down the road when all my friends have families of their own? I guess I shouldn’t worry about things that haven’t even happened. 

For quite a while now, I thought the only way to avoid disappointment, hurt and rejection again was to quit the dating game. Or to not expect anything. To simply not think about everything that I’m worrying about. 

Today, my friend told me about having hope. 

To be honest, I think my mind harps on many negative emotions although I portray myself to others as an optimist. And in doing so, I’ve forgotten so much about what I’ve learnt and the experiences I’ve had. 

My friends told me many things today. I can take my time to find the right person. I deserve the right person. I should take my time to find the right person, to not get hurt in the long run. It’s okay to make mistakes, and use our failed experiences as a benchmark for future ones. At least I would have known how it feels like to love someone and to be loved. And maybe I may find a person who loves me even more than the ones before, who makes me feel happier. And that shall also remind me of the capacity of love that I can give and receive, the extent of warmth, excitement and happiness that we can share. And may be I shall know if it measures up to the past, and I may know if it’s just in the heat of the moment or a flame that can be sustained for even longer. 

And even after a failed experience, if I can remember how it felt when it was good, one day when I meet someone whom I’m more certain of, I’d be even more compelled to give my all. Because it will always be hope that keeps me going. And also because there is hope of someone better, I will know not to settle for less. 

Hope will get me out of bed tomorrow morning, and hope will push me to be a better version of myself. And I hope this hope stays with me for another tomorrow, and another. 

Ah, I hope that tomorrow will be a better day. 

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All isn’t well yet. I now know I shouldn’t walk away from all my negative emotions again. I will need to face them lest they overwhelm me again. 

Can I just find a day where I can sit and cry over everything? I guess I could but I wouldn’t really be facing them and processing them as I should. I’d simply be wallowing... 

I need to learn how to sit with and process negative emotions. 

I am still so very scared. 

I really really do hope that tomorrow will be different, better.