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Neuroscientist on social rejection

drrachelbarr on instagram

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no one ever talks about the part of adhd where everyone in your class has got their group of friends and you’re just there, mindlessly tagging along with anyone who is willing to put up with you for a few minutes. either you’re too loud or too quiet. if you’re lucky, it won’t affect you much. you’re a loner, so what? but then the moments come around where you find yourself yearning to be like the others. you’re not depressed, why would you be? you’re a child who just happens to be a little different. sure, you’re usually the last choice when it comes to groups and you’re rarely, if ever, invited to birthday parties but… it’s alright. everything is fine. or is it?

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i've experienced this same type of thing with other conditions of mine, but for some reason this one hurt a lot. and i wanted to share for anyone else that is going through the same thing.

lately i've been trying to work on coping with OCD symptoms that have been becoming more debilitating due to some current life stressors, and i've actually been managing really well. but, when you have multiple illnesses (mental or physical), and you put a lot of focus on one of them, symptoms of something else can start to crop up.

and so i noticed that my AvPD was starting to get worse. im isolating, and feeling like everything i do will be seen as stupid, selfish, or attention seeking. but i've found that opposite action helps the most in these situations, and that in truth i probably do actually need some attention right now, as i haven't been socializing very much. which yes, even us with SzPD/AvPD, are social creatures who need some level of human interaction.

and so i took to the trusty internet for advice on healthy ways to ask for attention. but sadly, whether i focused the search to AvPD or to just avoidant/shy behavior in general, i couldn't manage to find any tips or resources for those of us that *are* avoidant, only for how to deal with us.

so here are a few tips for anyone else that's struggling with avoidant behavior/AvPD*:

Take deep breaths before asking for help/attention (this helps activate our parasympathetic nervous system so we can feel safer while we do this)

Tell the people that you trust exactly what's going on and how they can help (for example, today I went to my mom and said "I am really struggling today with wanting to isolate because I don't feel like anything I do is right. I am feeling really irritable because of this, please spend some time with me today, but understand that I may be short/grumpy to start." this type of dialogue can be really difficult when you have alexithmyia, but i promise with practice it gets easier)

Take a break from social media (when you're already struggling with poor self image, it's really hard to not make twisted comparisons to those we see online, give yourself some time away from screens to recenter and remind yourself of your value)

Opposite action (I mentioned this earlier but it can look like many different things. For example: doing things you know will be beneficial to your mental health despite feelings of anhedonia like playing video games/making art, asking for help despite the anxiety that tells you not too, or spending time with friends despite wanting to isolate more)

*note that these tips come from my personal lived experience, and I am not a medical professional.

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Sorry to break yall's hearts but this is too well written of a post to not include in here.

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neurotypicals will say they have adhd and then demonize or belittle the traits of it that aren’t quirkifiable

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"Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting."

— Shakespeare, Henry V (2.4. 80-81)

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I'm so tired of feeling guilty all the time. with money, with existence, with my disabilities, my identity. I'm just so tired

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Maybe its all in my head

But sometimes I feel like I’m the most boring person in the world.

You seem so disinterested in me.

Like talking to me is a chore

Then again, I really am insecure these days

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I dont matter. i literally don't matter to anyone. So why do I keep trying to find a place to fit in. I'm just walking in circles, trying to find one little niche I got into. But I never do, I just keep repeating the process.

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how is anyone supposed to feel like they are enough when they have never been in a situation where someone else has expressed to that person that they are enough. They've never learned what enough is. there is no baseline in their mind, showing them what enough is. Therefore, they are constantly under the impression that they are not good enough for anything or anyone.

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Compliments are… hard.

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Feeling unworthy and self sabotage while trying to achieve fitness goals

Do you ever feel like you don’t deserve to succeed in your fitness goals?

Like it’s just a “vanity” thing or simply you don’t deserve good things or to feel good about yourself. Maybe you spent so long feeling bad about yourself that is all you know and you think there’s no point in changing or you feel it’s impossible to change.

And as soon you start to see progress you unconsciously (or sometimes more consciously) sabotage your progress. It could all be due to an underlying feeling of unworthiness, apart from different mental health conditions that may be going on. In my case, my BPD plays a huge role in the perception I have of myself and my black and white thinking can lead to feeling like a failure if I don’t do things perfectly. Depression and anxiety are big issues for me, and body dysmorphia as well.

I think it’s one of those mental aspects of fitness and weight loss that can lead to self sabotage and it’s nowhere nearly talked about enough.

This is a gentle reminder that no matter how you’ve felt your whole life or the whole past week or day, you deserve good things. You deserve happiness and success. You deserve to be healthy and to feel good in your own skin. And you deserve to be at peace with yourself and take care of your mental health as well.

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i wish i could rip my heart out of my chest and hold it in my hands. feel it’s desperation to beat. i wish i could whisper into it’s fleshy cavities that it will be okay.

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cats will be like oh you're walking somewhere? no WE'RE walking somewhere. and i will get there first. where is 'there' btw

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“A third way to react is self-isolation is where you prevent yourself from any further opportunity to be ostracized, by being by yourself, by being alone, by not allowing the possibility for rejection, exclusion, ostracism. This also allows the person to regain some of the needs that have been threatened [by ostracism]: it gives them control, you can't fire me, I quit. You end up taking control of a situation and preventing ostracism by not allowing it to even happen in the first place.

We know that some people become what we call rejection-sensitive. They experience rejection and exclusion early in their life and then they expect it to happen all the time and so they're always on the lookout and prevent themselves from getting in the situations where they could be rejected. They see it when it's not happening, and so on. While both aggression and self-isolation fortify the needs [threatened by ostracism] neither one of them lead to re-inclusion.”

– Kipling D. Williams, Full PreFrontal Podcast Episode 191

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