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I don’t really talk about it much on here because I’m extremely lucky to be able to understand exactly what’s going on in my body, but it’s scary to live for years as someone who Gets Things Done in a way your peers don’t really understand, be putting effort into so many things you care about, and then suddenly lose the ability to do not only that but also basic tasks overnight after a deadline, and bit by bit after many. it’s scary getting really irritable sometimes to the point of violence, just when you were meant to be celebrating the rewards from your hard work, the only impact of the work you did that you can see is that you overdrafted your ability to do anything. including have a basic conversation without getting grumpy or crying. and your body is going to make you pay it back with interest, you already know that, but you don’t know how to start filling yourself back up. you’ve only ever enjoyed being on the grind, hard at work on exciting things.

I don’t know how many of you have been through the kind of burnout that’s years of needing 12hrs of sleep a night but with terrible insomnia, waking up to what feels like a hangover for weeks on end with little relief then rinse and repeat without having a single drink, feeling too sick to eat and needing to exercise to emotionally regulate but being unable to, anxiety that doesn’t come from worry but you’ll pick that up too at some point, dissociating every time you try to do mentally taxing tasks that you’re PAID for so it takes an hour of grounding yourself just to get five minutes worth of productive concentration, falling asleep the minute you feel a little safe by being in the presence of loved ones. but I suspect I’m not the only one.

I’ve had songs for the energetic and angsty times leading up to this. for the exasperated times and the brain fog and the times where all my limited energy is tied up in feeling things. that I need to, need to acknowledge, but it’s overwhelming and I live in a haze for weeks as a result of. songs telling of the kind of youth I wish I had, even when I was sold something else. songs for the months spent as a teenager trying to be there for my friends, worrying for them, distracting me from worrying for myself, trying to cling on to positivity and hope amongst it when I had to choose to make a discipline of always seeing that. I’ve had songs for healing and when healing is harder than expected and songs that have the right level of musical complexity to capture the layers of everything that’s happening in my head, making it sound good, telling me it’s gonna be okay.

I don’t know how I could ever say thank you for this. but I do know that I see parts of myself in the people behind these songs, of course I do, and I worry for them as a result and ache for them because it’s hard enough to feel this way when no one knows me or feels the need to control me or mould me into what they think I should be. I’d do anything to keep them all healthy and happy and all of their loved ones too and I don’t think it’s strange as a fan to take that seriously. I hope we can understand the need to treat them gently, and to while not questioning their privacy and the fact that they’re never going to tell us everything they go through, listen to our intuition when we catch something we relate to and treat what they’ve shared with us or hinted at with the dignity we would if someone we love told us something vulnerable. be kind in our expectations and be intentional in the fan culture we create because it does make its way back to them.

and the same goes with all of you. we’re bonding over the same things. I know a lot of this fandom is in the stage where interpersonal relationships are hard. we don’t mean to be grumpy of frustrated but we are. and I’m sending love to all of you. we can get through this together. it’s what they’ve always longed for isn’t it?

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see the THING IS I don't feel like I ever worked hard enough to have "earned" the burnout, which is. probably how we got here.

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lord the peasants are so loud today

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sorry for being mentally ill can we still kiss

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Where do i go if nowhere and no-one feels like home anymore

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(Source: @mysillycomics! I got this off Instagram so I didn’t know it cropped the artist credit out!)

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mood for the night.. :/

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Things I'm good at :

• ??????????

• ???????

•????

• ???????

• feeling like a burden and bed rotting

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sorry for showing symptoms of the disorder i told you multiple times I have. Do you want me to kill myself?

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just cast the fire spell. dip shit

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Normal process of working things out:

a person causes harm to you, unintentionally or intentionally

a person acknowledges what they did

they apologize sincerely and hear your side of the story

person makes amends, makes up for what they did, puts effort into fixing it

person doesn't repeat the offense

if the harm is fixed, and the person is reliably sticking to their word and not repeating the harm, a process of healing and forgiveness takes place naturally

The abusive way of 'working things out'

an abuser does harm to you

they blame you for it, for the way you reacted, the way you perceived it, and your emotions about it

they fail to apologize, instead they blame you for needing an apology and for not immediately assuming it was one time accident

instead of making amends, they threaten to do worse next time and insist it wasn't that bad and that you deserved it, in their head you are not even allowed to have your own version of the story

they accuse you of 'being paranoid' and 'living in the past' if you are scared they'll do it again. Then they do it again.

you're not allowed to call them out on it or to expect better from them, you know they'll do it again, you cannot trust them, you can tell they don't think much of you, and you're accused of harboring grudges and not giving people a second chance if you fail to force the process of forgiveness, for something they're clearly not sorry for

everyone sides with them and turns against you for being a horrible person and failing to forgive, while only knowing a twisted and embellished story of what happened

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Can’t even say how I’m feeling without everything being my fault.

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