starlesssoir - Tumblr blog

[starlesssoir]

[starlesssoir]

You know that feeling...

You know that feeling of wanting to cut yourself to shit but at the same time knowing that you don’t deserve it, that you aren’t worth dulling the blade!!!!

That is where I am right now...wanting to carve the word “failure” into my body but not not having the energy nor the privacy to do it properly because you are in college....

It’s safe to say I am feeling like absolute shit

[starlesssoir]

Dear Dad

Dear dad,

Yesterday was your anniversary, 

Eleven years without you.

There have been so many events had that I wish you were here for. So many stories I wish I could hear. 

Time seems to have flown by. It is scary, to me, that it almost feels as though you never really existed. I know I had you for 9 years but at the same time I have been without you for longer than I had with you.

It breaks my heart to not remember you,

For ‘dad’ to feel like a foreign word in my mouth.

Every time someone mentions their father, positively or negatively, I feel this ache in my chest and it hurts a little bit more. Why? Because it feels like mine was stolen.

My younger years are kind of blank and my only ‘memories’ are photos.

It feels like your touch was non-existent and your voice was not even a whisper in the wind.

I know that I am a part of ‘you’; but ‘you’ feel like a mirage, a myth.

It is like you were my connection to the English part of me. And when I lost you that part of me began to erode. My words, phrases and actions have and are becoming distinctly Irish. I hate that I feel like this English part of me is my only connection to you and that it has disappeared along with you. 

I don’t even know what I feel anymore.

It is like I am at war with myself. Part of me is angry at you for leaving, even though I know that your time was up, and for not being a ‘normal’ dad. Another part of me is almost glad that you went when you did because you would have little to no quality of life anymore and because I am scared of what you would think of me. The majority of me though just feels like a distant ache in the voids you left.

I wish you were here but at the same time I don’t.I know you existed but I cannot remember much about you other than the night we found you, the night you died.

I might try and visit you this week but I can’t make any promises. With how I am feeling right now I just want to lock myself away from the world and cry until I can’t breathe. Maybe take a blade to my skin, but the idea of leaving my room does not appeal at all.

I love you and I miss you.

[starlesssoir]

🤗 I just realised that I am under 300lbs!!! Down from 356 to 296lbs. There is still a long way to go but nevertheless it is an achievement.

[starlesssoir]

I am having a bit of a rough day today. It sounds like such a basic thing to do but I am cleaning and organizing my room and it is taking so much energy. Not physical energy but mental / emotional energy. 

I went through my old makeup, jewellery and nail varnishes and am throwing most of them out but just seeing and holding them has made me feel really weird. It almost feels like a betrayal. I never use them, in fact having anything on my nails makes me feel exceptionally uncomfortable. I have literally had some of that stuff for at least 8, if not 10 years. In some ways I feel a bit lighter but for the most part I just feel conflicted. Though perhaps unrealistic, I cannot stop thinking that people I care about spent their money on stuff for me and I am being ungrateful and just throwing it away.

I want to lose weight but I am too damn lazy to exercise! I have lost around 20 kilos just through controlling my diet alone, I should be grateful shouldn’t I?! When I think about it I don’t call it reducing intake or controlling what I eat, I refer to it as being ‘on restriction’. Nobody knows that that is what I call it. I am ashamed to call it that because it feels like I am making light of something serious and I don’t want to do that! Even though I feel it is absurd for me to self label my eating habits as restriction because (I am still eating like 1500-1700 calories a day), the label seems to have embedded itself in my mind. 

[starlesssoir]

Rant... (possible tw - ‘female’ body functions)

I am normally comfortable writing but not any more. I don't even know where to start... I have lost about 20 kilos so far and I know I should be proud but I cannot help thinking that I need to lose so much more! My bmi is still in the mid 40s. Sometimes I feel smaller, if that makes any sense, like I take up less space and my clothes fit better. But then other times I feel like nothing is changing, I still hate my body, I still can't feel anything but disgust and hatred when I see my reflection. I guess one could say I am not losing weight healthily but as long as it is coming off that is all that matters. Sometimes I look at myself and feel okay about the angles on my body, but mostly I just hate it. I shouldn't be but I still feel so down. Sometimes I can almost convince myself that these lumps on my chest are just pockets of fat, that when I lose more weight they will go away but then other things happen with my body and it banishes that belief. By other things, I mean my 'cycle'. I should be happy, shouldn't I? I mean it is normal and it means that everything is working the way it should be. I think I could deal with it if it lasted for 7 days and then I had 24 or more off in between, but it doesn't. It is more like I bleed a little for 20 or more days out of the month with a day or two here and there without it. Yeah, I should probably go to a doctor because it isn't normal but I am not going to. I can barely even type about it let alone talk to someone, a guy at that, about it or let them do tests. Just the thought of it makes me feel physically sick and a heavy ache appear in my chest and back! I can't even imagine talking to my psychologist about it, my physical health is not of her concern, nor should it be! It is hard enough to let her in about my mental health and be honest in general. I just don't know where I fit on any spectrum now; gender, sexuality, anxiety, depression, whatever! I mean I changed one of my medications and that seems to have helped with my anxiety but not my mood. I have being like this, being bored but not having the energy or motivation to do anything about it. The smallest interaction with others, virtually or otherwise is something I dread and simply don't have the energy for.

[starlesssoir]

reblog if you:

- flinch away when someone touches you.

- panic when you accidentally break an object.

- get scared when someone walks behind you.

- feel your heart rate increase at every sudden noise.

- are easily panicked by slightly-louder-than-normal sounds.

- stare apprehensively at your bedroom doorway for hours at night.

- have trouble making eye contact with people.

- always feel either too mature or too immature for your age.

- simultaneously crave and be terrified of physical contact.

because i do all of these

[starlesssoir]

Reblog if you do or have actually cried because of your weight or the way you look.

I do

[starlesssoir]

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their boxers are handmade with people of all genders in mind. everything is hand-dyed and made from organic cotton. 

check them out on facebook: Pyramid Seven LLC or on instagram: @PyramidSeven or on their website: https://www.pyramidseven.com/

support queer + trans businesses and get some cool underwear! 💖

[starlesssoir]

This ad shows plus-size women of actually diverse body types working out and kicking ass

The four athletic women are shown working out in the campaign, and their different body types reflect a range of plus size bodies that is rarely represented in plus size fashion campaigns. 

Gifs: Lane Bryant

WATCH THE VIDEO

[starlesssoir]

Bpd Logic // 1

Bpd: cut! You need to! If you don't cut it means you're weak and faked your illness all along! Also you deserve the pain and who cares anyways? Cutting helps and you already have so many scars, it doesn't matter anymore.

Me: *cuts*

Bpd: oh look what you've done!!!! You cut again, you're so weak! You let down your loved ones who support you. Again. How long do you think they'll keep up with your bullshit before leaving? And weren't you already ugly enough without all the scars? You're disgusting.

[starlesssoir]

Please read this if you have BPD

Hello everyone!  My name is Liv and I have borderline personality disorder.  For my final project in my Narratives of Disorder class, I want one of the parts of my research on BPD to be the candid voices of anonymous people.  

So I would really appreciate it if you all would kindly reblog this with what living with BPD looks like for you, or put it in an ask or submission (I will not publish any of them unless you want me to.  Anonymous submissions also welcome).

Please circulate this so I can get as many responses as possible.  I don’t want the project to be the stale opinions of (often neurotypical) doctors, I want to show what it really means to be borderline by the people who experience it.  

Thanks a bunch!

[starlesssoir]

Fuck The Blue Whale Game

No one play it. It is a suicide game and the “link” that’s sent to you is a bug that allows the “host” to hack into your phone. My friend can’t reset her phone because she’s kicked out of her settings and her “host” keeps harassing her with messages. Do not. For the love of GOD, play this game. Don’t answer the messages. Don’t even try to troll this or be funny. They will hack your phone as soon as you respond.

& if you see this, please reblog it to share this warning & add any additional info on this game you may have.

[starlesssoir]

[starlesssoir]

Watch: These LGBTQA teens got together to send a powerful and honest message to the newly elected President Trump

Pledging to continue their protests, rallies, and demands to exist safely and see differences celebrated following the inauguration, the teens urge Trump to stop resorting to “name-calling when people speak out against you.” Instead, they ask him to remember that he has taken an oath “to protect the constitution, the one that says all people are equal. And that includes us.”

Gifs: GLSEN

WATCH THE VIDEO

[starlesssoir]

Somebody stop this mess, please

[starlesssoir]

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this Somali girl gave him the WORK when he tried to pull her hijab Reblog so you can bless every Muslim Woman with these hands