stardustinblue

[stardustinblue]

i wish i could etch words into my bones so that when i'm nothing but, they'll still remain

[stardustinblue]

Some days I do feel hopeful.

But how do I hold on to that. I lose it all so quickly.

[stardustinblue]

back to blogging // erasure

i don't think i ever started to seriously blog, but this is a throwaway so why not.

i don't know what to do with all the words and emotions i've been feeling for the past year (or maybe 3...who knows at this point) so i've been ignoring them. i don't speak and i dont feel anymore, and when i do, its just rage, so i try to avoid it by choosing silence.

i don't talk to anyone. the days i go into work, the most i'll muster is a good morning or hi to whoever is nice enough to greet the girl whose been there for 3 years yet they know nothing about her. i think about how different these 3 years could have been if i wasn't so deeply scarred by my past.

i don't talk to anyone. i don't have any friends i consistently speak to and i got rid of the ones who stuck around. its how im erasing myself. when you cut ties with people it doesn't matter what happens to you when you go, because you're already gone by then. once theres no one left, there is no guilt. there is no one to judge me or ignore or fight with me because there is no one, and i can finally feel free. lonely, but free.

granted, i have my reasons. i've spent so much time listening to my friends, helping them, loving them, showering them with gifts and traveling across the country to see them, but no one has ever really seen me. i cut off people who never asked how i was doing. people who don't even know how many siblings i have, yet i know their lives in and out. do you know what it feels like to feel so much with no one to lean on? i feel like im nothing. it literally feels like i'm going to vanish one day and there will be nothing left because no one cared to listen and learn and remember anything about me. i'm just forgotten, again, for the nth time, and i think i've had enough of that.