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[starbucksshift]

Here’s your fucking water you disingenuous narcissistic prick! [When the line is out the door, mobile orders won’t stop coming through, and a customer just shouted, “Sorry. Can you just grab me an ice water real quick?!”]

[starbucksshift]

Breaking News: Water Should be Ordered at the Register.

If you are one of the million, no... wait, Billion Starbucks customers you need to order water at the register. The idea that you can enter a coffee shop, stand in line, order your fucking coffee, wait for said coffee, and then come to the stunning conclusion that you might need some water to accompany your sugar filled bean water...makes you a complete and total ass-hat. I hope you realize that by not telling the lovely barista at the register that you want water when you order infuriates All of us. You slow down the entire line by interrupting the bar barista to ask, “umm yea can I get an ice water when you get the chance?” it could actually be why your coffee took seven minutes instead of five. Someone else could have potentially made you late because like you they didn’t realize they might be dehydrated later. The reality is we will grab you the water but you have just ruined our day, our flow, and you have just made us care a little less about your existence. The numbing of the baristas care for the world means they care even less about your espresso shots dying. You have just given that barista motive to ensure your latte tastes like a bitter asshole. If we got you water when we had “a chance” you would wait at least 15 min as we work our way through, at times, 30+ drinks. If you are reading this thinking, “Well I mobile order and you can Not order water via the mobile app.” you can go fuck off and promptly start carrying your own water bottle. A bottle you can fill up at your house, your office, or just wipe some sewage water straight from the gutter from whence you came. Mobile orders continue to drown baristas in over complicated drinks that you don’t have the audacity to memorize, recite to us, and wait for like everyone else. That however is another rant for another day. I simply ask that you order a water along with the rest of your drinks. It will promptly be served to you with the rest of your drinks. Also, I don’t care if you ran in to grab a protein box and a water. You should wait for your water like everyone in front of you is waiting for their coffee or shell out the $2.50 for the bottled water. All orders are completed in the order they are made. You are not special because you are running late. You are not entitled to jump the line because you think the barista at the register doesn’t have a million other things to do once their line is gone. One thing I can guarantee is that if you pressure them to just grab the water for you, they will hate you, they will regret grabbing it for you, if they do, and a little piece of their soul will die as they ask you, “Does your entitled jackassery need anymore fluffing today?” O so sorry, I mean we always smile with our teeth clenched as we say, “Can i get you anything else?” Please be aware that while we may grab you water when you annoy us to grab it this instant or even when you pretend to be polite stating “I forgot to order one but...” We do it because we know you are crazy enough to call corporate on us or even though you are “running late” you will want to speak to a manager. We don’t want this because we work for a company that treats its employees like shit. I should let you know, we are not going to be fired or really reprimanded for making you angry. Our managers will turn it into a “coaching moment”  for our improvement. If that sounds like brainwashing verbiage from a cult, it is. We work for a company who doesn’t care about us as long as we continue to push food and drink add ins. They actively push us to try and get you to spend at least $8.00. We work for a company who refuses to tell you, hell, they refuse to require you to order water at the register like every other God Damn fast food restaurant on the planet. If you wouldn’t lean over the counter and shout at the line cooks to ask for a water cup at McDonald’s don’t FUCKING do it to a Starbucks barista.  

If you enjoyed this because you work for or have worked for the devil cult that is Starbucks there is definitely more to come. If you perhaps are a Starbucks customer and are wondering how to be a better customer give me your questions I would be glad to answer them. There are great customers, and yes we do spoil them. If you read this and thought, “I don’t know why they are so mad, its your job just shut up and grab me my Venti Ice Water” You are the asshole we “accidentally” give decaf to...