sst-confessions

[sst-confessions]

girl perhaps it is Un Couth to send things in to this blog rn but i swear 2 god i saw desdemona walking around campus today........ girl i thought u were going to oberlin but if not SAY HI I MISS U!!!!

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[sst-confessions]

has it been long enough to make it ok to say i’m kinda pissed they cancelled prom just cause key died 😭 i had my dress all picked out like…

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[sst-confessions]

this wasn't all of them, but i'm honestly feeling really overwhelmed by all of the posts, i tried to take out a lot of the ones that were repetitive, invasive, or just plain mean. it didn't leave much else.

i'll be posting asks as usual, but i'm going to be a bit more scrutinizing about what i post. sst has just suffered a big loss, i don't want to make anybody else feel hurt. i want this to be the safe space that it hasn't been for a long time.

hey, everybody i just wanted to let everybody know that, no, i'm not ignoring the asks, and i'm still sorting through them.

some of them... aren't particularly kind, but a lot of them are genuinely heartfelt messages that would be a shame to see collect dust in my ask box. i'll be posting as many as i can stomach. i'm sure you all know by now, but, i wanted to confirm, yes. key was the other administrator of this blog, they were the one who wrote the newsletters when they got the chance, and to be honest, for the past few months they've sort of run the whole operation, ever since they joined. key truly did love this blog, and loved what we did. i'm not sure if i can keep it going in the same way that they did. i don't know. i need to think about it. for a while, i've wondered if this blog was a good thing, if i was just hurting everybody by keeping it. around but today, i see this huge outpouring of love and memories of key, and i think that we had to have done something right. i can't disgrace key's memory by saying it was all bad. they wouldn't want that.

things might be different. but i'll still be there. for key. and for all of you.

[sst-confessions]

woof!

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[sst-confessions]

every person in this place has their own little narrative of what happened and why key killed himself and every person in this place is wrong. do u wanna know what really happened? u wanna know what drove key to that roof? it wasn’t gossip, or pettiness, or this blog. it was arrogance, the same arrogance everybody else in this place has. everybody at sst thinks they’re on the top of the world but no one can really see past their own nose. this isn’t a sad chapter for sst where everybody gets to sit back and think on the way they wronged someone they’ll never get to make amends to. that’d be too easy for u. this is just the beginning. everybody’s saying that we need to do better. u’ll get the chance to prove it soon.

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fuck fuck fuck i never rly thought they rly could die smth abt them just seemed immortal nd now theyre gone and im s;o panicked nd freaked idk what to do idk what to do

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[sst-confessions]

to everyone whos reading this: please please please reach out to guidance counselor or mental health hotlines or your friends :( what happened to key was so so devastating and should be prevented at all costs from ever happening again. pls practice self care, you are not a burden <3

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god holy shit. i was just getting to know key and they were one of THE funniest most vibrant people i have EVER met in my life like ive never seen anyone command a room in their specific way and now im just never ever gonna see that again. this is a goofy ass simplistic way to respond to a real thing i jsut. i dont know what to say like i just cannot put this shit into words. i really cant.

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this is fucking insane i can’t fucking breathe. key was one of the best friends i ever had and i can’t believe he’s gone. we had been fighting for a while and i had just. i thought we’d turn it around before we graduated. i never expected this to happen i wish i could have been there for him i should’ve never let him push me away like that. i’ll never get to resolve things with him. and i know he’s not going to see this but somehow sending it to this blog still feels like i’m sending it to him, somehow. key i already miss you so much i’ve missed you for months you’ll always be my best friend i wish i could’ve told you before now. i don’t know what i’m supposed to do without you, i feel so lost. 

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[sst-confessions]

Today just feels like a nightmare. I hope so badly that today is a nightmare. I lost one of my best friends, nothing is ever gonna be the same. Seeing them like that was heartbreaking and I can’t stop remembering it no matter how hard I try and I’m afraid the image is never going to leave my mind. It was so hard to walk into this school today, idk how I’m going to do it every day until graduation. I feel like I’m falling apart, I can’t even think about eating or sleeping or doing anything. It wasn’t supposed to be this way we were supposed to graduate together and now I don’t even know what’s going to happen anymore. I just want this to be over.

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[sst-confessions]

key was so strong, even from when we were kids. i can’t believe they’re gone now. they wre an inspiration to me for as long as i cn remember. we nvr even hung out together in school n we had diff friend groups n all but we’d still talk when we saw each other at parties. they nvr seemed worried abt what ppl thought of them, they just did their thing. i wish i was that brave. im gna miss key. 

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so… weird, that someone i knew for so long is dead now. like, speak about them in the past tense, walk into school and they’re just not there way. key was so unique, and. maybe sometimes they weren’t always kind, but they were real in a way that a lot of people in this school aren’t. it’s a shame that we lost someone like that.  

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Even though Key and I were always bickering, I was heartbroken to hear the news. They were a staple of our community, and it’s going to be strange now that they’re not here, anymore. I know how many people loved them, I’m sure they knew that- too. I can’t claim to know what those people are experiencing, and I probably don’t have any right to be saying it to them, but I truly am sorry for their loss.

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I feel like I don’t have the right to feel as sad as I do, over Key’s death. We weren’t friends, probably the opposite, but I know someone who was extremely close to him, and she’s so devastated. He had such an impact on this school, on everybody’s lives. Key was such a presence at SST, and to know that something like this could possibly happen to somebody like that. That knowledge is overwhelming. His absence will be felt.

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I haven’t looked at Tumblr in months but after the assembly I went online to see some of Key’s last posts. It’s crazy to see that this is how it all turned out. I wish I had the words to say to someone who used to be such a good friend to me, even though we haven’t exactly been friends in a really long time, now. But they’re all just fading from my brain before I can write them out. I wish we had a chance to make amends, my condolences to their friends and family.

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It feels strange to walk out of a room mourning someone I was never friends with. I don’t even think Key liked me very much. But a part of me feels like somehow, I could’ve done something. I could’ve talked to him about what was going on with this blog, or his friends, or his boyfriend. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking? Trying to pretend I have more power than I do? I just wish things were different. 

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I don’t even know what to think, to be honest. Key and I weren’t friends or anything. I don’t even think I’ve sent in asks to this blog that weren’t just me joking around with my friends, but I don’t know. I hope all of Key’s friends and family are doing alright, or as alright as they can be considering the circumstances, it can’t be easy. Please talk to your friends, I really hope you’re not alone.

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