sshmaign

[sshmaign]

How it felt.

Who would have thought that dreams can come true. Sounds cliche, but yes it really does. Since the day we parted ways, all I want is for him to run after me... After he indirectly dumped me and chose to live his live free of me. 

So this thing happened. Several months, I have been having weird dreams. As weird as Charles asking another chance, or even begging my time just so we can talk. I dont know what for, but its been weeks, months since I’m having these weird dreams. Then one day, I was told by my best friend that he came randomly visits  him. It sounded so weird, why of all days or months, why now? Then I thought maybe because after he was quarantined, he wants to come clean and talk and explain whatever he wants to explain or just pay respect and visit him, like the old times.. 

Then story goes like this... 

He surprisingly wants to talk to me. Come clean. Answer all my unanswered questions. Explain everything why things turned out the way it shouldn’t be.. I have be never in my life expected things to happen this way, tho I had this little hopes in me, but then when I knew he was already somehow settled his life with someone whom he needs to take responsibilities with, I told my self that very moment it was over then. Even the slightest chance to see him was gone. All hopes and little scenarios I created in my mind shattered. All gone in a snap. The thing is, I never wanted to destroy any relationship, I never had any intention to. The day I knew all of these, my world stopped. I literally skipped a bit, I was scared. Terrified. Can’t even explain how I feel, what to feel. Or even merely what to do. What’s next for me? For us. There were lots of questions this time rather than being left behind for more than a year without any clear answer after all the mixed signals he’s sending me. I was confused. For the first time in forever, I wanted to get out of this world. I shattered. Didn’t even know how to pick up myself again. It was hard. It was damn hard. :(

I was thinking a lot of things, why of all damn time, why now? Where I slowly recover, where I slowly see myself being free. Happy. Independent. Although I wanted to have my questions answered, but when I was offered to, it was where my world turned, where the questions were already answered without me asking for it. That moment I knew, I don’t need it anymore. It was luxurious that nobody can afford to give me when I needed it the most. I’ve overcome those days it wasnt given to me. I’ve surpassed all the pains, sleepless nights and depression. Why just now?  Maybe its God’s way of telling me that everything happens for a reason and He allowed me to stand on my own from all the challenges and blessings he gave me. It was not easy to convert pain to blessing. Struggle to challenges. You have to have enough courage to get out of the bush. You have to have loop hole to survive. 

Now I am slowly trying to figure out and prepare for that day where in I will be hearing all those reasons why it had to happen and just accept everything. Anyhow, it was in the past. I have to move on.

[sshmaign]

These are some of our pictures together.. I didnt know we had a lot, a lot enough to keep them as memories. As much as I want to elaborate each one of them, but from what had happened, I’m running out of words already. Maybe in the future, I will just have to reminisce them..

and as you can observe, back view po silang lahat. Thanks to my ever supportive bff, Sheena. Basically, she witnessed us through ups and downs..

2016

Late 2016

2017

Early 2018

[sshmaign]

[sshmaign]

Tardiness

Now I regret ditching this page for I don’t know how long. I get too much lazy whenever I think of making an entry, I should have not stopped. This time my brain is processing too way slower than before. Can’t barely think of a word that fits a subject. Even just to describe simple thing, takes too much time.

Now I need to get back to work before I put myself into shame. I don’t want to attend class with less knowledge. It’s making me less of a student, or human being. Feels like my brain is deteriorating... fuck brain. Help me out. I want to escape this hell.

[sshmaign]

Fuck you

I shouldn’t bother to post anything about him, or them. But here I am wasting my precious time making an entry. Gusto ko lng tlga maglabas ng sama ng loob. I lost my drive to finish my supposed to be 10yr-from-now-memory because you fucked it all up, Charles. You. Yes you!

After you lied to Jann. After mo akong pagmukhain nanamang tanga. Malaman ko nalang pala ulit na you are seeing her still. Even bringing her to and from duty, even making a scene in your own work place. Na ni minsan I didn’t give you that kind of shame. Nakakainis! I always pray that you have a good life, na maging happy ka na and be responsible with life’s decision making, tapos malaman laman ko man lang na ganyang klaseng babae lang ang ipapalit mo sakin? Yes, I won’t be hypocrite, I also once used the name of workplace, just to be with you, But I made sure I won’t get caught. And ni minsan I didn’t ditch work just to be with you. I have done stupid things for you pero I won’t choose you over my career, look at where I am now - this is more important than being stuck in a relationship na hindi ko man lang alam if it will last. The only thing I want with this fucking bitter sweet relationship with you is to be worthy of the break up. Pero ano? YOU ARE STILL FUCKING UP YOUR LIFE! Na hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung bakit concerned pa rin ako sa punyetang life mo, which I shouldn’t anymore. Because we all know you don’t give any damn care about mine.

The only thing About you choosing that girl over me is, sana you are well taken care. But seemed not.. Hindi ko lang din alam. Kasi until this time, wala ka pa rin plano sa life. Zero interest at all. Now everything is making sense. Many nights I prayed and asked why can’t we get back together, why can’t we have our second chance like any other relationship who found their way back. Eto pala yun, eto pala yung realization na gusto niyang iparealize sakin. Na you are not worthy of my love. Neither all the efforts I’ve given to our relationship from the get go. I didn’t regret even a tear, it actually taught me that I once cried for someone who never valued my entire persona,even how hard I tried to be someone worthy of your love. Lately ko lang na realize na I was close to begging for your love. Which I believe I never should have done that. But anyway, after everything that had happened, from one lie to another, I don’t want to hear anything from you mentioning my name, simply seeking for everybody’s sympathy and making me look like I’m the enemy.

You are making your own destiny. I strongly agree with this. With whatever you are into now, it’s your choice. I’ve already given you infinite chance, but never you dare to grab. So weeks ago, I’ve decided to let go of you. No matter what happens, it’s none of my fucking care anymore. I have had enough. Sana worth it yang ginagawa mo sa buhay mo. Go on, continue to fuck off.

[sshmaign]

October 1, 2018

Exactly a year ago, we parted ways. You know how difficult it was seeing for the very last time? Hugging you for one last time? Having your lips touched mine? It was like I was pulling my tube from a life support. I was doomed. Didn’t know what will happen next.

I can still remember how I endlessly cried up until I reached home. How I comforted myself. Actually, hanggang sa pagdating mo ng Zamboanga City, umiiyak pa rin ako. I was even prepared when we bid our goodbyes back in Zamci, but in NAIA? It felt real. I had no idea at all it would be the last time that I will be seeing you. Binuhos ko na sa araw na to lahat ng luha ko at tila hindi nauubos. I made sure after that day hinding hindi na ako luluha muli. Kasi ang sakit, ang hirap bumangon, I had no one but myself.

That day, I didn’t see you cry, not even a tear drop. Maybe that’s one way of telling me I needed to be strong, keep sane, because if I might see you cry it will break me thousand folds. Buti nalang. You are very strong, C. Thank you for standing strong for both of us that moment.

Now that I won’t be able to kiss you hello, or even jump and hug you tight the moment I step our airport, I just want to thank you for giving me that kind of “ airport memories.” Also, I’m glad you won’t see me leave the city again, baka masasaktan nanaman tayong dalawa. Once is fairly enough. So I guess, everything happens for a reason. Salamat sa lahat. Hinding hindi kita makakalimutan. 💛

[sshmaign]

Lemme show you some of our out of town gala... Also my first vacation with my boyfriend. So ayan, my parents allowed me because I’m of legal age and I pay my own tix? Hmm ;)

Cebu, 2017.

Visited the City, Cebu, where I left half o my heart and where I promised myself to bring with me my loved one the next time I will be visiting it. 🖤 Went with two of my closest friends, Sheena and Chelsea, which happened to be their first out of town also. Aint that exciting, huh? Here are some of the photos...

First two, as you can see is the Famous Simala of Cebu. It was overwhelming visiting such place with someone you love. Parang sinagot na poon prayers ko? But then... temporary lang pala yon. Hahaha! But it’s fine, felt thankful narin I was given the chance to feel that kind of love. Then last two, it was in IT Park, where he had his epic experience. Hahahahaha! Fuck wait. Still makes me laugh hard whenever I remember what happened that day. Sa sobrang nakakatuwa yang trampolines na yan, it ripped off his pants. Hahahaha! I actually have it’s video pero couldn’t find it na. Anyway, good thing we were going back to city and brought with us our clothes kaya may extra siyang pants na dala jan. It was one adventurous experience tho. :>

I actually forgot where this is, but it’s one of Cebu’s nicest hotel somewhere in Mactan. Aslo my first to wear two-piece in public, bitch. Hell yea with my confidence. Hahaha. At kasama pa ang jowa, binggo ano?

Manila, 2018

After a year, we decided to have our second vacation in a different place this time, altho not with almost the same people pero hindi tlga mawasala official photographer namin, Si Sheena, also my partner everytime I plan to book ticket out of town. Haha! We have couple of pictures pero hindi ko na mahanap, mabuti na rin yon para hindi ako magdamdam. Hahaha. Oa lang. As you can see from the photos I’ve posted, it isn’t the picture that you want to see from a blog or even worth posting in any social media account but I was left with no choice. Ang story kasi niyan, we were in Manila Ocean park, as you expect hindi tlga na eempty yan place nyan, especially jan sa may aquarium, but fortunately, universe is coinciding, we were given the chance to have pictures. Yung may kukuha tlga samin, at nagkataon pa na may dumaan one of the staff, kaya masaya talaga kame. After taking couple of shots ang saya namin and we gracefully thank that staff, not knowing what the result could be. The momet we saw the pictures, gusto ko nalang mapamura. Hahahaha. Koya naman, blurred lahat! Tangina >_< oh dba? Sayang kasi may mga tao ng dumating after that. Hahaha hayy atleast may pictures kame, idaan nalang natin sa edit. Dami pang nangyari jan, like away naming dalawa na akala mo hindi na matatapos. I just have to say this ( for remembering purposes in the future). Whenever we go on a trip, feels like he’s a different person. It’s kinda like, he isn’t him, parang nakawala sa cage na gustong mag mukhang single, at walang pakealam sa kasama. And the other one is, napaka clingy in public which does not always happen in Zamboanga. So both advantage and disadvantage. You get my point m right?

Manila 2.0, 2018.

This one’s our last one. Literally LAST ONE. 😂😂😂

It wasn’t actually planned at all. Know why? That was when I was about to depart Philippines. This time iba naman kasama namin, si Yam, one of my close friends also. Ang dami mong closee friends ano? Thank You, Lord. ♥️

I went to Manila days before he did, kasi nga I was waiting for my Ticket to Doha nalang, then back then he had this serious violation sa hospital and was sanctioned to suspension. I don’t know if it was God’s plan but I believe it was one way for us to spend our quality time together before I finally let go... Hmm. Premonitions, sense that, huh? So ayon, humabol siya sa Manila and stayed there for 5 days. It didn’t go well at all. Ikaw ba naman, sobrang mixed na emotions ko nyan, jusko. Sa umaga I was euphoric, like I was spending time with him worrying nothing. Tapos sa gabi, iiyak nalang ako kasi another day has ended and paikli ng paikli ang oras but all I ever needed was to stay strong and spend the most out if it instead. Photos taken in a mall, before kame manuod ng movie, Exes baggage,which again took part sa lives naming dalawa. Hindi ko alam pero tlagang everything that had happened in Manila, happened for a reason. Evey fucking single thing... Pero wala pa yan sa mind ko those times kay mas pinili ko nalang magenjoy. Second photo, Sam G with bb and Yammy. My god ang struggle to be able to be there. Unli lakad? Reached different branches na siguro, and finally sa branch na pinagusapan namin ni Yam. Hahaha. Of course we had fun grilling and eating. Hayyy last na pala yon. 😂

[sshmaign]

[sshmaign]

[sshmaign]

Why were I even born in this generation

Damn. It’s so hard to find true love in this generation. Not impossible, just hard, very hard.

[sshmaign]

It always has....?

[sshmaign]

The feels bitch. The f feels

[sshmaign]

I know you will never taste even an inch

“I hope you learn what regret tastes like.”

— S

[sshmaign]

[sshmaign]

Soon

can you say the same thing?

[sshmaign]

Like I told you gazillion times, but you were persistent... And yes, you ended up complaining all the fuckinng things and just like that, ghosted the hell out of me

[sshmaign]