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I miss home. I wanna go home.

I am supposed to go back home to PH today. But here we are again. Sacrificing some personal things for this career. I hope everything's worth it at the end. Life has been amazing here. I mean while typing this.. I'm looking at this view:

This picture does not even do justice how this window view looks in person. I get extra 💵 monthly on top of all of these perks, and work. I should be contented, thankful and just simply.. happy. But I'm not. I feel lonely here. Yes I do have Filipino friends, but they are like not my friends, I can feel them setting up this boundary of "we are just colleagues" wall.

I miss being me, i miss being crazy happy, and being goofy and easy going and light. I miss being around my boyfriend and do whatever/go to wherever we want. I miss talking to people, like GENUINELY getting to know new friends and people. I know I can also do it here but language barrier is so real, it's getting frustrating now :(

I know need to be more patient and be more friendly and be more curious to people around me. I need to put an effort. It's a work but I think I need to do it for my mental health's sake. Isolating/preventing myself to doing the small get-to-know talks kinda makes me feel lonely now. Damn. I always categorize myself as introvert but honestly, I need people interactions in my life now. God help me. I need strength to execute these plans 🥲

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Nakakatamad magimpake 😭

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Three-Body Problem (2024) What a show, still on episode 3 but I am really loving this series already!!!

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Japan 2024 (Winter-Spring Season)

Pre-travel.

My initial thought prior to joining my friends to this Japan trip is that I DON'T HAVE MONEY! I always assumed it takes 6-digit Php budget to enjoy Japan, but apparently not necessarily!! And you know what, we only live once. When will be the next time I will get this chance to have a trip with my friends.. in Japan.. in our age.. ?

Flights were booked. Accommodations were booked. 3 months to go before our trip. Visa applications were expected to be filed. AND I AM STILL IN VIETNAM.

2 months left. 1 month left. 2 weeks left. STILL IN VN. I was already in a dilemma to cancel my trip, because of "all the expenses paid" by the company during my business trip. But thank God for my very understanding leads and managers. I asked to leave VN and to have vacation and it was approved.. just like that. No questions asked. Damn. See you Japan huhu (well, assuming I get my visa approved).

I attempted to apply for tourist visa in VN but it was requiring official documents like work permits, residence papers, etc. which I don't physically have that time! I had to process it in PH and not really sure if I can get approved before my flight 😂🥲

I returned to the PH just ONE WEEK before my flight. Had my visa processed. All my friends are so anxious for me, that was such a risky move HAHAHAHAHHHA

A day before my flight, I finally received my passport with single-entry Japan visa. UHI Travel Agency 5 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐. Super convenient service.

During travel. <detailed stories and pics to follow>

DAY 1. Travel to Japan

Flight seatmate Sakudo-san. Had a 5-hour long chit chat with my random seatmate during our flight haha! He's a Japanese teacher based here in PH and will also be visiting Japan for 5-day vacation (just like us). He gave me tips and guides how to navigate Japan to reach our accommodation and also gave us heating pads (for free!!)

Lost in Nippori Station. We rode the skyliner train to Ueno Station and I was assigned to a different car and seat from my friends because I booked separately. I then mistakenly alighted one station in advance our supposed destination lol. First reason: it's because almost all passengers were already getting out. And second reason: my friends messaged me in FB for me to wake up already SO I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO OUT ALREADY. Fortunately, I had roaming data in my PH sim card was able to reach the Ueno station all alone (so proud of myself lol).

First night @ Kosuge. We bought food, gloves, water, snacks to the nearest 7/11 and ate our dinner in our booked Airbnb.

DAY 2. DisneySea

Blanket statement as an adrenaline-junkie person: All of the rides need to be a little bit more extreme (!!!) Every end of the ride, I always say "that was it????"

⭐ Journey to the Center of the Earth. There is this one or a split second part of the ride where we saw the sunset sky. AND WOW. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. Maybe the priority pass to ride this one also contributed why this is my favorite ride of all in Disneysea haha!

Tower of Terror. We lined up for 3 hours for this ride. It was so cold and tiring. We were also already hungry since it was lunch time and we only ate popcorn throughout that 3-hour wait. In fairness, the ride itself was actually fun! (Pero bitin talaga eh!)

Big Band Beat. I am special mentioning this show because I had the best nap inside the theater HAHAHAHA. The seat was comfortable, the temperature is perfect. Loved it!

Fireworks / Night Show. It was very cool to see the night show

Gondolas. Nothing special, just a boat ride around the park.

Indiana Jones. You know what, I already forgot what happened here hahahaha. It was a roller coaster ride. Not very memorable though.

DAY 3. Shinjuku Park - Shibuya - Nabezo

The Four Trees. #1 Very pretty sakura tree near our accommodation haha. #2 White flower one. #3 Bright pink flower one. #4 Light pink flower one.

Fu-unji Tsukemen (food). The food was definitely tasty, but little too salty for me (maybe it's not supposed to be a soup anyway hahaha). The noodles was also very good but it gets cold very very fast.

Met Yna (one of my closest friends back in college) and Kim (thesis mate-ish during undergrad) for our dinner in Nabezo. It was so awesome to hear them speak Japanese to locals in the resto and the electronic store. They are so Japanese (culturally and physically) now but their personality and voice are still the same as 5 years ago haha.

Apple watch budol. Bought an apple watch.. same day idea -> final decision -> actually buying it. BUDOL TALAGA GUYS. Kinakain na ako ng apple ecosystem omg.

DAY 4. Senjoji Temple - WB Studios

Met Vlesie (previous roomie from 4th year to board exam days!!).

Asakusa Snacks. Lots of mochi / rice desserts, some drinks, some fried food. Only memorable one of me is the strawberry x green tea drink we lastly bought, it was so yummy!

Harry Potter. Our team organizers (Ten and Mikko) was very anxious going here because we are already 30-min late to our booked tickets. But they were not very strict that day at all! There were lots of interactive booths and lots of place to take pictures.

Missed the last trip back to Kosuge HAHAHAHHAHA CORE MEMORY. We rode a train GOING AWAY from our destination and no one bothered to notice until we almost reached the end of the line 🥲😂

DAY 5. Mt. Fuji (Kawaguchiko - Lawson - Honcho St - Pagoda - Oshino)

Mt. Fuji tour (for photographers lol)

Ichiran Ramen (food). Good warm noodles, finally haha. Loved this ramen as well.

DAY 6. Ueno Shopping & travel back to PH

Luggage storage. It was so hard to find lockers and baggage service during lunch time in Ueno station. We opted to check small stores outside the station if they have luggage storage. For future reference: https://cloak.ecbo.io/en

Gyukatsu (food). The waiting time is so long, but food is really good!

Matsumoto Kyoshi. Bought skincare, noodles, chocolates.

Don Quijote. Bought little bit more snacks, prices are little bit higher than Matsumoto.

Skyliner to NRT Airport. This is the most hassle part of the trip!! We were brisk walking from the shops back the luggage storage store to the skyliner station WITH ALL OUR BAGS AND SHOPPING. Got the station just a minute before our scheduled departure. Then, when we got the airport. We were chillin' on the shops and restaurant upstairs, forgetting that we still didn't go through immigration and baggage checks yet! Our boarding gate is even located AT THE END OF THE AIRPORT! It was a very tiring day lol.

Post travel.

When I came back to PH, I finally appreciated how well-suited my body is for tropical weather conditions. My colds and sore throat were SUDDENLY gone. I can finally sleep better and wake up more more energized. Things we take for granted living in PH lol

Clothing choice MATTERS a lot!!! I take for granted preparing very well for the weather in Tokyo despite numerous advice from our friend living in Japan, and I regret it very much. I may have enjoyed the trip little bit better if I was dressed properly for this winter-ish weather. 😔

I want to go back to Japan, again. With more chill itinerary, and more culture immersion. Can't wait to go back there again.

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February 2024 (Da Lat trip)

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January 2024 Dump

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Mood swings before antukin

Ahhh I feel so sad and anxious tonight :(

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From PH to HK to VN. What a month!!

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A Time Called You (2023) NAKAKAKILIG OH MY GOD. Nag-all nighter ako para sa series na 'to haha, 4am na ata nakatulog. Heavy topics are covered (depression and self injury) kaya medyo heavy rin pakiramdam at the end :( Minus that, I loveeeee the time travel and romance theme of it! Also, super pogi ni Ahn Hyo-seop huhu.

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2 weeks in. Aside sa welcome kit containing shirt, notebook, pen, and welcome card (na di ko alam kung pwede ipost). Look at my raffle/game prizes from attending 2 HR events so far. May cash pa yan by just participating HAHA.🔥

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A day of loss and new beginnings.

Nagjog kagabi, idk kung di ba ako nagpost work out stretch nang maayos pero ansakit ng likod at legs ko. Nagpuyat kagabi. Umiyak buong umaga bec it's the day of the year again. 2nd death anniv ni Papa. Emotions and memories are still as heavy & vivid as before. Ganito pala yung feeling nang scarred for life, it's just a part of me now. Bigat. Pinilit pa rin gumising nang maaga kasi naalala ko nagmessage ako sa clinic na ipipick up ko yung medical exam results ko at 7:30 am (what a scam haha). No breakfast. Nag-pre employment reqs errands .. sa QC. No lunch. Bumiyahe pabalik ng Dasma - isspecial mention kong nakakahilo magdrive si manong bus driver, bigat ng paa sa gas at break huhu. Late lunch - aaaa thank God nakakain rin.

Nag-pre employment reqs errands .. sa Dasma naman. Narealize ko na buong araw na pala yung nagugol ko, di ko pa nagawa yung readings/coding ko. THEN GOT A NOTIF NA CLEARED NA AKO SA BG CHECKS. I'M OFFICIALLY HIRED. Super excited na ako at gusto ko magpabibo; gusto ko na tapusin yung lab exercises ko hahahaha at daanan na yung lecture series sa training ko hahahaha. but i'm so tired. mentally hyped but physically tired.

Chill muna today. Bawi ako tomorrow!

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..

Good bye contractual-ization! loljk Just left my 2019-mid 2023 (4.5-year time span) part-time/RA/GA/full-time jobs in UP or academe sector. I was initially feeling really emotional (just don't let my colleagues see it) because I really treasure my experiences there, and the people I met there. Nalulungkot nga ako na di ko sila nabilhan ng gift at di rin ako nakapagpapicture tas nakapag-official byebye na ako sa office. <insert supposed last day picture ko sana sa work ko> Throwback time. Late 2018. I got an email from my adviser if I have some spare time to do some freelancing research job while reviewing for boards. Of course I said yes. As if naman nag-aaral talaga ako sa boards lol. Then there I met Ate Janel (officially i guess. met her already in Solar during undergrad pero quick hellos lang), Kuya Leo, Kuya Billy, Carlo, Ate Jade. Naging 2 separate research jobs pa 'to because another company was interested on a different electric vehicle segment. Notable person in this job: Ate Janel! Really fascinated sa pagiging organized ni Ate Janel. One of the people na I look up to when it comes to being "manager" and "leader". She has great people and communication skills. Also yung work experience ko dito with Ate Janel, I consider it as my keystone job experience sa professional/personal life ko haha. I significantly improved my "stranger" communication skills here; doing cold emails, calls, and meetings. Really appreciate yung one-time casual comment from her na nagimprove yung "introvertness" ko during this time. Ni di ko nga alam kung nag-thank you ako pero up to this time naalala ko pa haha. Sweetest person ever too! Always check my welfare nung namatay si Papa, nung nagkacovid ako mag-isa, nung may sunog sa knl. SUPER LOVE HER. DESERVE ALL THE BEST IN THE WORLD. Then, comes 2019. I was working as graduate assistant for Intelect x CHRG project. Worked with Kuya Billy, Juls, at Aaron for the tech of the charging station. Very rewarding yung naging dev ko dito kasi ang multi-function yung last board ko hehe. Even now kaya ko iutilize yung old board ko to do simple relay switching.

Notable person of the job: Kuya Billy! He was also nice to work with, and genuinely funny person rin. Galing ng labview skills! Didn't know I can do "logging" from my UART comm lines to save csv in a laptop during battery characterization. Very very helpful rin kapag may times na nabobo na ako kasi di ko alam solution sa noisy signals ko. He's the type of person na gusto ko maging technical lead/manager kasi you'll feel na yung output mo ay important at impactful; and very hands-on sya sa technical dev.

Fast forward 2021, I was hired as full-time researcher for a project building a novel motor. Hooray! First full-time job ko 'to. Honestly, I don't know kung anong specific job description ko rito, I was expecting to code and do embedded pero di natuloy. I was just trying my best to assist in whatever output is needed or if assistance is needed. Halfway the project rin kasi ako umalis. Overall feeling ko in this work experience was mostly guilt.. Felt really guilty leaving Kuya Soren alone sa project kahit verbally na nya inexpress na mahirap kapag umalis ako kasi testing na sa next phase huhuhu. Sorry po. Notable person of the job: Kuya Soren syempre! Ang talino and creative nya. Very expressive rin sya kapag nageexplain/nagsusulat. Which actually I liked kasi sa mga narrative reports, naiintindihan ko yung thought process nya sa research/design/tests, nagfefeeling matalino rin tuloy ako haha. Kidding aside, grabe hands down po, one man team talaga! Top notch yung technical at engineering skills! Learned so much about mechanical design, motor control, and academic paper writing working under SRM. There were moments na sinasabi ng peers ko na it's time to go outside UP projects na kasi wala raw mentorship dito. Pero pinaglalaban kong mentor ko sila Kuya Soren at Sir Lew kasi dami ko naman natutunan under SRM. Which actually with the benefit of hindsight, I took for granted. Hays. Sana nagawa/ginagawa ko na thesis ko eh! Year 2022-2023. Been involved with various part-time research consultancy projects and e-trike E&E design. Honestly, this 1.5 year experience was actually the moment in my life that I felt so underachieved. Haven't moved on with any progress on my thesis. Haven't even got my component deployed on the e-trike testing. I know I'm trying so hard to make sense of my debugging and be as attentive as I can be on other tasks for the projects. But I felt most of the time, I'm talking to myself. I was supposed to be the "expert." But I know I'm not. There were moments I'm thinking maybe I'm just getting more dumb as day the goes by. Or most likely, I just didn't ask for the support I needed. All I know is that I hate working on this specific SDK from TI that I can't reconfigure arghhh HAHAHA daming bugs magalaw mo lang ng onti. Maybe naging successful pa ako kung sinulat ko lahat from scratch. Mygad. Notable person of the job: Kuya Leo, of course! Friendly to everyone tapos mahilig sa chismis lol. Isa sa mga gusto kong skills na maadapt from Kuya Leo ay yung presentation skills nya. Very knowledgeable and confident kasi yung aura nya haha. Alsooo, naalala ko from the very first day of my onboarding sa NICER, everything I needed was procured. Kahit dami kong problema (technically speaking), he's always reminding me don't be pressured and may workaround sya so I can take my time. Nasobrahan na ata sa leniency though huhu. Feel ko talaga baby na baby ako sa team kahit as a senior srs haha. And then that day came, I was told that the next round of the funding will not be pushed through, and we'll have to look for other opportunities with 3 working days before the end of the month (!!). I just repeat this thought in my head: "Syempre after all my internal drama, it's just business. Walang funding. Walang income, syempre. I should not take things personally, all is just business. " Ahhhh I know I am ending this at a sad note. But I am really sad hahahuhu. I felt so underachieved and I don't like the feeling of it. I can wait for the next round of funding/projects and continue with my R&D life (and lecturer/teaching too).. but I strongly crave some control in my life and di rin naman ako mayaman. Iniisip ko kung waiting for the next funding lang ba talaga kaya ko gawin. Di ko ba kaya solusyunan yung current problem ko which was: wala akong kontrata at this moment?

So I tried applying in industry and selling my skill set out there. I sent multiple applications for embedded/firmware engineer na may hybrid / WFH set-up (oo choosy ako hahahaha) I got an offer that met my expected salary. Full WFH set-up. With trainings pa. Ang chill pa ng mga technical interviewers/future teammates ko. My immediate supervisor was even yung delivery manager na ng division. Sa utak ko, hulog nang langit na yung opportunity. The only reason why I will decline this is kung SUPER LOVE KO MAGSTAY SA UP. But not really. Gusto ko lang iend yung MS ko kaya ako nagsstay. That's it. So I accepted the industry job offer. 3 days nalang before my starting date. Yayyy. THE END.

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Be mindful and intentional.

Recently, I've been carefree. I chill more than working out. I eat out more than necessary. I spend more than what is essential. (And, it was worth it btw lol.) I've spent soooooo much time establishing my "life system." I thought as long as I use my trackers and follow the rules (which I made for myself), everything will be fine. I can stop overthinking and over analyzing my progress and just .. chill. Sadly, that wasn't enough after all. Just a realization that ✨consistency✨ really is important. You can over save/over invest/crash diet/exercise so much/over work in a day or a week or a month and then suddenly stop and go back to your bad habits again; at some point, you'll be back to square one again. Personally, I set goals not for the sake of reaching the destination.. but for the stories, mistakes, struggles, laughs, realizations, and to instill habits into my brain to the point I don't think about it.

You can chill and live in the moment. What's is life for after all if you'll not reward yourself from time to time? But always be guided with some sense of direction towards your goal (whatever that is). Keep the ball rolling. Consistent, sustainable (no matter how small) progress is key.

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Good well-being is MUCH more important than grades and deadlines. I know that by heart but my brain was thinking stretch situations during the interview huhu. Realization for today is that teaching is not just instructional job, I guess. It's more of guiding your younger peers in studies and in life in general. Values, morals, and ethics also matters in the job. Not just your "expertise". Not just your "communication skills". Makes me want to work on more on establishing that :)

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June 2023. Month of uncertainties 😔