sr71underground

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sexual knifeplay is indicative of weak character. I could never get aroused from being stabbed because that would mean that I failed to parry it

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“How’s life?”

Me:

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every night owl I know (myself included) is as careful as possible and as quiet as a mouse so not to wake up or disturb people who are asleep while they’re awake but from the moment a morning person wakes up they will make as much noise as possible as if their god given purpose is the be the loudest most inconsiderate person alive

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I’M

THE HIGHWAYMAN

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She’s being brought along!

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HELP. chat i found another funny sea creature sex image

WHY IS HE WATCHING THEM LIKE THAT !!!!

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My wife's favorite sleep noise app is the kind that lets you mix different noises, one of which is a snoring shih tzu, and she loves to create soundscapes that imply the dog is in imminent danger

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i told my friend’s dad that he was hot (it was in context with the conversation, he was complaining that he was feeling old, etc), and he said a very genuine thank you and the conversation moved on to other topic, my friend was now talking about something else entirely when his dad goes

“i think if i were born in your generation i might have been bisexual”

and friend got kinda mad at me lmao

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Remember that "three items from the store to make the cashier most uncomfortable" meme? Apparently I accidentally found a winning combo tonight at the corner store, one of the usual clerks shot me a really weird look when I was checking out with these

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oh john long time i don't see you i miss you man

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this clip is literally my favourite thing right now and i wish i could use it more

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Little Nas Are You Working On Your Raps

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My friends and I used to do this thing where we'd dress up on a theme and go do something totally normal.

We dressed up as pirates and went bowling.

We dressed as vikings and went to the grocery store. The security guard told us we had to move our longship because it was illegally parked.

We dressed as Romans and went to Blockbuster. The staff chanted, "toga! Toga! Toga!" at us.

We dressed up all steampunk and went to the museum. Tourists kept taking our picture.