squidwart

[squidwart]

//**_\||

I witnessed something traumatic, because of course I did, recently and I just started not thinking about it about 500x a day. I wish I could unsee things. I feel very stuck in my own head since. The only other person to experience it with me seems to feel and act as if it never happened, completely unbothered by it. That makes me feel worse.

I have been really sick the last week. My grandmother almost died in a car accident. I haven’t responded to the letter she sent me back in September. I’m writing a response now and I’m uncomfortably certain she will die before she gets to read it. I wanted to tell her about how much my life is changing and has changed. I want her to know. I keep missing important opportunities because I hesitate and put things off. I’m going to stop doing that. Time is short.

[squidwart]

I feel like I’m in a strange place right now. Like I am standing inside a bubble that is about to burst, and once it does, a series of events will take place. And it can’t be undone, because the bubble has all ready begun bursting. I’m standing alone, staring down into a hole that is so dark I can’t see the bottom, if it has one, or what is in it, if anything. But I know I’m going down it. I know.

[squidwart]

//

I had a moment today where I felt pretty down on myself and suddenly I realized I wasn't actually disappointed in myself, I liked everything about what I was doing. It was other people's behavior that disappointed me. People can sometimes be pretty disappointing. But you know, everyone is human. I'm glad I can count on me to not disappoint myself. I won't let what other people do change me into something I don't like. I feel better, even though I'm still a little sad.

[squidwart]

\

Sometimes I wonder if this time of year is still hard on you

[squidwart]

I actually cannot even function right now I am so heart broken

and I still have to get up at 3:30 AM to go to work <3 :-)

[squidwart]

More than absolutely anything am I constantly reminded that holy shit I really just want to be left the fuck alone

[squidwart]

Merry Christmas.

I feel like the luckiest, most blessed person today. I have some incredible people in my life. I’m grateful for them. I don’t think I have ever been or felt so loved.

[squidwart]

-

Even when things are perfect and I'm the happiest I have ever been.

The feeling persists.

[squidwart]

Went to my boyfriend's house this weekend and celebrated my birthday but this time fo real and he got me gifts and stuff. He is the absolute sweetest. He got me a Sesshomaru purse I told him I had been hunting for for over a year when I originally told him about nearly 8 months ago, he had apparently joined the hunt with me all the way back then. Then he got me cheesecake, my favorite, and he and his son sang me happy birthday. He also 3D printed the medallions from Ocarina of Time and a Master Sword replica with a real (but tiny like a dagger lol) blade. The coolest and most thoughtful birthday gifts I've ever received. I feel so loved.

[squidwart]

It's my birthday today.

I'm 28. One friend, 2 siblings, both my parents, my daughter, and my boyfriend told me happy birthday. I didn't get any gifts, but a couple promises, which makes sense because I didn't get to see anybody really today. I don't feel disappointed. The people I love still made me feel loved even if today was, like every birthday since I turned 17, essentially just another day. My boyfriend and his son are coming over for the weekend and the four of us are going to do some fun fall activities and go to a kids festival. We're also going to do some late birthday celebrating. I really look forward to having cake with the little ones. I'm going to let them pick out the flavor. My life is good. The amount of progress I've made in my life in the last year mentally, academically, professionally, and in my personal relationships honestly blows my mind. The me that turned 27 from 26 feels so far away. I'm happy.

[squidwart]

I totally forget to write here when I am happy.

My life is going really, really well. I have my beautiful daughter, my dream job, and the sweetest man I have ever known by my side. For a long time I didn't think I deserved the life I have/that I am making for myself. It's really nice to love and be loved by people who deserve it. My heart is really full and I can't wait for the plans we have to come to fruition.

[squidwart]

-

I’m out of state for a work trip for two weeks. I’m miserable. My sweet boyfriend and I had a 17 hour phone call from noon-ish to 5am-ish this morning and while we talked we got matching roller blades. I am so in love.

[squidwart]

I am straight up not having a good time

I am incredibly unhappy and I don’t think there is a way to fix it

[squidwart]

I loved doing these stupid things on myspace.

1. Any scars?

Many.

2. Self harmed?

Refer to part one lol.

3. Crush?

hehe ye

4. Kissed anyone?

Like ever? I have a child. So obviously not.

5. Coke or Pepsi?

Coke (zero)

6. Someone you hate?

Kind of. Just people who are really shitty and I would prefer to never speak to or see them again.

7. Best Friends?

I have two. :-)

8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs?

Sure.

9. What's your dream job?

Federal government auditor. Hehe job starts in August.

10. Ever been in love?

Once or twice.

11. Last time you cried?

Today lol.

12. Favorite color?

Dark/foresty green.

13. Height?

5'2"

14. Birthday?

September 26th.

15. Eye color?

Light brown.

16. Hair color?

Auburn, red? I don't know anymore.

17. What do you love?

My dawg

18. Obsession?

Elden Ring currently.

19. If you had one wish, what would it be?

More time.

20. Do you love someone?

I do actually and it is terrifying.

21. Kiss or hug?

Hug.

22. Nicknames people call you?

baby grill

23. Favorite song?

In the aeroplane over the sea

24. Favorite band?

I don't really have one.

25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you?

Jesus christ I would not write that here lmao

26. Best thing that has ever happened to you?

Divorce and maybe meeting my current boyfriend

27. Something you would change about yourself?

My salary lol

28. Ever dated someone?

Duh

29. Worst mistake?

Marrying.

30. Watch the movie or read the book?

Read the book and then watch the movie and be a hater

31. Ever had a heartbreak?

Derr

32. Favorite show?

Maybe Dexter or Naruto lol

33. Best day of your life?

The day my daughter was born

34. Any talents?

I'm turning out to be decent at painting, and poetry depending on who you ask

35. Do you wish you could ever start over?

Sometimes

36. Any bad habits?

reacting poorly and strongly to kind of minor things

37. Ever had a near death experience?

A few

38. Someone I can tell anything to?

my boOoOoyfriend

39. Ever lost a loved one?

Yeah

40. Do you believe in love?

Yep

41. Someone you hate/Dislike?

My mooooooooooooooooooom! Get it? I'm muscle man.

42. Are you okay?

No lol

43. Relationship status?

I have a boyfriend now :-)

[squidwart]

literally my second day at this job and I some salesman made jokes about my appearance (relating to me evidently looking like a middle or high schooler) in front of the whole office and before the group could even stop laughing HR was at my desk telling me she'd pull him aside and set him straight like. bruh please don't it is not that serious. I have to work directly with that man, I handle his sales contracts nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I'm so grateful I only have to work this job for like 8 weeks until the one I care about actually starts :'-)

[squidwart]