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splashaxis · 4 days

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Romantic and Hopeless (10/?)

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The light was back again, dancing along Tanner’s ashen skin tauntingly. He was different than he remembered; the tips of his fingers black as if they had been dipped in charcoal, but no matter what he did it wouldn't rub off. He was pale, and cold, and what had started as hunger in the first days of him being in this abyss was now a profound sense of emptiness that spread throughout his entire body.

It didn't hurt anymore. When the light wasn't there he felt like he was just a part of the void; mindlessly existing, fading away. He would forget who he was at times only for his memories to trickle in whenever the name ‘Sammy’ escaped his dry lips.

She'll save me…from what?

Some part of him knew that he was dying, or perhaps already dead, but it had become hard to recall the difference now. He was growing to accept the darkness with each passing moment.

This time, however, the light was so close and enveloping his entire body, like a hand cradling him, lifting him out of the darkness. Tanner could almost imagine the weight it had, and he relaxed into the sensation, feeling those imaginary fingers curling over him and keeping the shadows away.

The buzzing of a light overhead; so familiar and yet so foreign; registered and made him jolt, his hands quickly rising to cover his ears. After hearing nothing besides his own breathing and slow heartbeat for what felt like years, even such a faint sound felt overwhelming. The light no longer felt warm and comforting, but just as cold and oppressive as the darkness had been.

The feeling of the ground at his feet and gravity over his body made him feel dizzy and disoriented, and he was sure if he had anything in his stomach it would have been thrown up by now. Curling into a fetal position, he shut his eyes and buried his head into the cold metal ground beneath him, trying desperately to shut out all the sensations that were suddenly coming at him from all sides.

There was no time to adjust and all he could do was wish the darkness would come back and claim him. Surely it was better than this?

He squeezed his eyes shut tighter and pressed his hands harder against his ears, his body tense and feeling like it was about to explode as his breathing only became louder and more frequent. Go away! Leave me alone!

“Tanner?” The sound of his name being spoken aloud made his breathing hitch, but his body felt frozen, and he was too scared to open his eyes or move for fear of letting all of the noise and lights smother him again.

Too bright! Too much!!

Then suddenly…darkness.

Tanner stayed curled up with his eyes closed and hands over his ears for several more moments as his breathing calmed down. Once he was no longer on the verge of passing out from hyperventilation, he hesitantly blinked open his eyes.

It was dark, but not the same as before. This darkness had streaks of red light breaking it apart, but not enough that it felt oppressive. The sounds that had once been overloading his senses were muffled and distant… Tanner reached towards the red light only to flinch back and yelp as his shaky hands actually met skin.

Hands. He remembered this. There were two hands cupped over him like a dome of safety from the light and buzzing.

“My gods…he's alive..? How is that possible…?” He heard a voice murmuring softly overhead, muffled. It too felt familiar, and a name immediately came to Tanner's mind.

Ryker..?

He cried out in surprise when the hands surrounding him from above suddenly moved inwards, cupping him into them whilst thankfully remaining closed. He felt dizzy all over again when he felt his body being lifted up.

Soon enough the hands shifted. Now he was only held in one, and was being pressed against a soft material. A heartbeat registered to his ears; much louder and steadier than his own, but still somehow calming. He felt warm, and the thought of ever being separated from that warmth again made him want to cry. He clung to it, breathing slowly as he felt the swaying motion of the doctor walking.

There was a faint clicking sound, and the buzzing disappeared as well as the red streaks of light. Tanner whimpered, clinging to the soft material he was pressed against tighter; a reminder that he was not trapped in the abyss again.

He heard and felt footsteps below, accompanied by the same disorienting swaying motion… Metal scraped, clothing rustled… then the hand he was in began to pull away.

Tanner's eyes widened, and he quickly shut his eyes and covered his ears again in preparation for the incoming overload.

“Shh…it's alright, Tanner. I turned off the lights. Take some deep breaths.” The doctor's voice was composed and clinical, just as he remembered. He tried his best to follow his directions as always, but he wasn't quite brave enough to open his eyes yet. What if he's lying..?

“Why should I lie? Use your critical thinking skills. What would I gain from doing such a thing right now?” There was a hint of irritation in his firm words, but it switched to concern quickly after. “Are you aware you're speaking out loud?”

Tanner bristled. He really couldn't tell the difference. He put a hand over his mouth slowly, feeling his jaw and his lips so that he could keep those physical sensations in mind. It was weird, having to remind himself that he was in his own body. His mind felt like it was elsewhere completely.

He opened his eyes slowly, holding his breath as he did. True to Ryker's words, the lights were off aside from a faint blue glow from a monitor behind him. Ryker was mostly in shadow, but his eyes were reflecting the light from the monitor as he stared down at Tanner.

Tanner trembled as he met his gaze, memories flooding back to him like a dam had burst. The fog that had settled around his mind wasn't gone, leaving the memories feeling more like distant nightmares…but they were still sharp and invasive.

Ryker's lips pressed together into a frown as he watched the boy's reaction. It was to be expected; for years he had represented nothing but suffering for the children, and for years he had been able to push away the guilt until he was alone.

Yet now, looking down at Tanner’s state and seeing what he had done to the boy so clearly…the guilt felt so visceral it was hard to control. Whatever had happened whilst Tanner was missing it hadn't been good…and whatever happened he was responsible. It was his fault.

The boy's eyes were completely black and lifeless. He looked almost like a corpse… he had been afraid that’s what he found at first before he started crying and shouting about how bright it was. Where was he? I've never seen something like this in all of my years…

The scientific side of him wanted desperately to know more. If he was truly devoid of any sense of care and empathy as he had tried to convince himself he was, then he would have thrown Tanner under a microscope immediately to figure out what had happened. He should be dead.

Is this artificial immortality? Something else?

He shook away those thoughts immediately, taking a breath to clear his mind.

No. This cannot continue. I will find Sammy and that will be it. No more of this… It's too much.

Ryker leaned down slightly, trying to soften his expression but finding it difficult after so long of purposely shutting that side of himself away. His brows furrowed, frown deepening as he observed the way Tanner shook under his gaze.

“You're safe now. I promise…” Just uttering those words made his chest hurt, the weight of his actions still pulling down on him. He felt doubt creeping in. Have I really tried everything? What if this is the solution? It's been so long, I can't just…give up.

“I'm so sorry, I…” Ryker lowered his head more, words catching in his throat. His shoulders tensed and he lowered his head so that it was facing straight downwards, his free hand coming up and covering his eyes. “I cannot be forgiven, but I am sorry… I am a monster…”

Tanner felt frozen as he watched the doctor break down in front of him. His face wasn't fully visible as it was covered by a hand, but he could tell by the tense and twitchiness of the hand behind him and the way his shoulders were shaking that the man was crying; if not, he was definitely about to.

Never before has he or Sammy seen Ryker cry. The only emotions Tanner had ever seen him express was anger or curiosity; and at all other times he was just…nothing. Cold. Authoritative. The way the doctor was behaving right now felt so…disconnected from what Tanner was used to. He couldn't make sense of it.

He hesitated, biting his lip to make sure he wasn't speaking out loud.

Does he…really mean it..?

Slowly, like a child approaching a wounded beast, Tanner shuffled quietly forward until he was just below the man's face. He tilted his head, trying to see between the small cracks in his giant fingers. Unable to spy much of anything in the dark, he walked back over to the hand that he had been sat in before and crouched down.

Sammy would pat my head or stroke my hand when I was upset or scared. It felt nice…

He reached forward, wavering for only a moment this time before he began to gently stroke his hand against the doctor's pointer finger. It twitched back in surprise which in turn made Tanner flinch…but once he realised nothing was snapping at him he resumed his petting motion.

“T-there there… don't cry, doctor…” He echoed softly, reminiscent of the same soothing words that would come from his sister's mouth. He looked back up towards his giant face and saw that the reflective gaze of Ryker was now peeking through his fingers, watching Tanner.

The boy couldn't help but shudder instinctively under such scrutiny, but he didn't stop his comforting gesture. It felt nice for him too…the contact was a reminder that he was not alone.

“It'll be okay…” He continued with a small nod of agreement to himself. He looked down at the finger he was stroking again, watching his repetitive and soothing hand motions as if in a trance. He heard a muffled sob behind him, but it didn't break his concentration.

Ryker tried his best to stifle his weak emotions, though watching someone he had done nothing but cause pain to try to comfort him was making it difficult. He kept his hand as still as possible despite its shaking, staring down at the display of remarkable compassion with remorse.

I am no better than my enemies…

How many years had it been since he started this quest for revenge? How many people had he hurt and killed along the way? In the moment he kept trying to justify the means to the end…but the end result he was searching for never came, and all he had done was cause more suffering.

How many years since the war began? Since his imprisonment? Since his torture? He had lost track, truly… and along the way he had clearly forgotten who his research was supposed to save in the first place.

Tanner and Sammy had no one other than him that they could rely on. They were children, orphaned, and shorter than the length of any one of his fingers, and that was reason enough that they needed his protection.

He had been careful through the years they had been under his care not to cause too much physical harm. At first there had been a lot of bruising as he got used to handling people so small…and it made it much more difficult when they were constantly moving. He had perfected his technique over time and now injuries only occurred if he lost focus or if one of the children managed to injure themselves with some stunt.

He shut his eyes again, trying to regain some composure and focus. As much as he wanted to indulge in guilt and weakness and anger at himself, Sammy was still in danger. She was still in the hands of a human. He had to get her back before it was too late.

“Thank you, Tanner. You're…very kind…”

I will fix this for you. Both of you. I promise.

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