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1.30

Prompt: “This too shall pass”

The vagabond ache in my chest,

Digs deeper and deeper with a rusty shovel.

The restlessness in my mind,

Runs in circles and dances to a song I’ve only heard once.

The ever present feeling of time wasted,

Weighs heavy on my stomach to the point of vomiting.

The pressure rising in my skull,

Squeezes tighter and tighter if only to get a reaction.

The dark disorienting fog,

Suffocates my brain as a wet cloth pressed to your face.

The quick and sympathetic response,

From individuals with whom I share eyes, ears, and noses.

“This too shall pass.”

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Prompt: “You’ve discovered a photo album full of pictures of you. You don’t remember anyone with a camera in any of the moments captured. In many, you thought you were completely alone”

Is that really me?

I see a girl smiling, laughing, playing, genuinely carefree.

Each photo I examine becomes more familiar.

Unlocking memories that I was in fact a child, and not just “mature for my age.”

I flip through pages and pages reliving moments I chose to forget.

But did I choose? I don’t remember.

These pictures were from moments worth remembering.

So why did I choose to forget?

I guess there is only so much space to remember things..

And why would I choose my own memories over memorizing the 44 counties in a state I no longer reside in?

I made the RIGHT choice.

Didn’t I?

I flip through more pages,

Bad haircuts and braces,

Silly poses and science projects..

All feel vaguely nostalgic,

But I still don’t remember.

Almost like a map to a treasure,

But someone erased parts of the path.

My memories must have been raided by pirates and all that is left are these photos.

So maybe I didn’t chose to forget,

But then again,

Are we sure that is really me?

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lol. reading through my old posts and realizing how incredible depressed i was is wild. thankfully, i am medicated now. but wow, thanks for listening, i really needed it. 🥹

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I JUST WANT TO SCREAM. I’m mad that I opened up so fully to some people and those people have just left me behind. I included them in my family traditions, introduced them to my life long friends, and allowed myself to be extremely vulnerable with them… what do I get in return? Nothing. A feeling of emptiness, at best.

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Here is the deal, over the last couple years I became really close to some people and made my relationships stronger with the people I have had in my life for a long time, which is GREAT. But over the last year I have watched those relationships crumble, fracture, and some disappear. I feel so dramatic because it’s not like all my friendships are this way, but the ones that are still intact are no longer a main focus. People are moving on, they are falling in love and dealing with life things, and I am just here. I love there Facebook posts of engagements rings, marriages, new babies, and more. I consistently try to reach out to my friends I thought cared for me and each time I am let down, sometimes in small ways and in others very large ways. I walk through stores and see things that remind me of these people, and have to talk myself out of buying all sorts of gifts for people who don’t even know if I am alive or not anymore. I recently celebrated my 27 birthday, birthdays are big deal to me. I love decorating for others, giving gifts, and making sure they feel loved and cared for… but my own birthday did not provide any of these things to me. I felt like an after thought for most of my friends. I felt like a nuisance to my family. And overall I felt like I just like I didn’t matter, to anyone. Now, I know that is not true… but gosh I felt so small and insignificant, you really couldn’t tell me otherwise. Here I am three days later, and I am still feeling so small… and if I am being honest with myself I haven’t felt much bigger or significant for weeks. I have convinced myself that the friendships that are good are just being charitable, and that the people who have left me in the dust have done it rightfully so. I constantly have a lump in my throat, and I am desperately looking for a way out of this feeling. It just keeps getting tighter and tighter and I don’t think I can shake it. I can’t pretend that I am this tough, happy for lucky individual anymore. I have heard so many times that people don’t “worry about me, because I can take care of myself” and that is mostly true. But SHIT. I am tired, and I just want someone to put me first. I want to someone to care for me with out me having to beg for it. As I am writing this all I can think about is that I am just being a drama Queen, and I should be grateful for what I have. I have disgusted myself with my attitude. I have no empathy for how I am doing, and I am not doing well. But people have it way worse, right? I mean my family may not have said anything to me on my birthday, but at least I have a family. My best friends may have cancelled on me for my own birthday party, but at least they posted on my Facebook wall “happy birthday”. I may have had to sacrifice everything stupid thing I actually wanted to do, but at least my sister and best friend were in town. My best friends never posted about me, but that is superficial and it doesn’t really matter. Again things could be way worse, right? And all of these things that have really hurt my feelings, they aren’t that big of a deal so why am I complaining? Ugh. I wish I could be more open about my feelings, but some of the people I confide in are some of the influences on how I currently feel. And really who wants to hear me bitch about things that are not a big deal anyway? I just don’t know how much more I can really handle. I am going to fall apart soon, and it is not going to be pretty. But what can you do? Anyway, thanks for coming to this vent session, please pretend you never saw it.

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Fairly positive I am overwhelming to some people. That’s fine, I get it. I just never thought it would be one of my best friends... and that they allowed this to go on so long, and now will not honestly communicate about it. But it’s fine, it’s just that I’m overwhelming, right? 😞

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It’s hard to watch your friends hurt, and all you can do is listen to the same story they have told you before.

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my love for this woman goes beyond compare #rip

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I just wrote a really raw sentiment for you all, but my phone refreshed.

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*stands under the full moon to charge myself *

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Hi, I need help.

Now, I understand that mental illness is a real thing. I also understand that I need to be understanding of their situation, and I WANT to be. I understand there are resources out there to help people. I understand it can be hard to go reach out for help. I understand that sometimes people need their space. I understand that people may need to just stay in bed for a LONG time. I understand that I may never know how badly these people hurt, or really how hard it is to have to deal with. I understand that my place is to support. I understand my place is to listen. I understand that I can offer love and open arms to these people and that should be a pretty good start.

But, what if I need help? What if I NEED you to come to me because life has handed me more than I can handle at the moment? What if I need someone to listen, support, and offer me open arms? WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? Do I just rant on tumblr and hope that by some miracle someone out there understands me? That they don’t call me selfish and self centered for not thinking about how hard other people have it? Do I just continue to pour out every last bit of soul I have to these people and hope that somewhere someone gives me a piece of their soul?

I have spent my life surrounded by people who need my emotional, mental, and physical support. I have loved these people. I have held them in my arms as they cried. I have lifted them off the ground when they fell. I have been their confidant in their darkest moments. I have been there. But now, I am tired. I am worn out. I am sad. I am lonely. I am hurt. I NEED HELP.

I would not change a thing of the past. I have loved being the the person that people needed. But now I need someone. I need someone to understand, or to help me understand. I need to feel whole again. I need to be loved and cared for. I need to be listened to. I need someone.

Do you understand?

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I’ve “gelato” tell you, I think I have a problem. *some flavors consumed are not pictured

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Even the smallest parts of the world can be their own world if you look close enough.

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Italy is stunning, but overwhelming.

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