spearkingofston-blog

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what if you started making car alarm noises when people you didn’t like touched you

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I know why.

I dont know why I find this so funny

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I dont know why I find this so funny

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The truth is, I pretend to be a cynic, but I am really a dreamer who is terrified of wanting something she may never get.

(via poems-and-words)

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Hahahahah o.

The New Yorker gets it right on the money (X-Post FunnyAndSad)

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The best.

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Indifference is the wind, eroding subtly barely. Then one day you notice you can’t talk even if you try to scream, because the indifference steals your voice and makes you feel like nothing, invisible and empty. Give me anger, fill me with rage, at least that is something. Fill me with indifference is filling me with empty life.

arcturass (via wnq-writers)

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My favorite thing is this.

Iconic

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"Studying the brain is like working in a toy store. Nothing could be more fucking fun." "What do you think is the greatest weakness of the brain?" "That’s a lousy question! I’m not answering it." "Why is it a lousy question?" "What do you want me to say? Road rage? That we get pissed and shoot people? That the newest parts of our brain should have been in the oven a little longer? How’s that going to help you? If you ask a crappy question, you’ll never get a decent answer. You need to ask smaller questions— questions that give you a pathway to finding some pertinent information. The major advances in brain science don’t come from asking crappy questions like ‘What is Consciouness?’ They come from microanalysis. They come from discovering pertinent information at the cellular level."

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Lies and Tithes

Sup.

I didn't want to, but I ended up watching the clip of Joel Osteen's comments on gay marraige not being part of his 'core message'. I don't like paying attention to this shit in general because 1.) I hate listening to scam artists and 2.) I prefer to spend my time enlightening and improving myself and hopefully others through meaningful, empowering hobbies and activites.  Usually I'll read a book or see an improv show or even play a video game on my iPad - all three things I personally find more fulfilling than listening to another pastor hem-and-haw over gay marraige. Since I live my life like that, I tend to miss all of the new memes that American Christians come up with to try and explain away their nonsensical ideas and their vulgar swipes in what amounts to, according to what I assume they'd claim only the most minute minority of their flock engage in, a social war on people they don't know nor will they ever take the time to learn more about.  It's because of that lack of curiosity and heightened defensiveness that I think Osteen is at best disingenuous, but more likely just bullshitting his way out of a corner.

Who Would Jesus Do?

The idea of it not being his 'core' message is of interest to me.  I assume he means that it's not something that he spends all his time preaching on, which is fine if the only thing that was important was what he was saying.  However, he has gotten himself into a position where what he says, whether it was a little blip once in a while or the bread and butter of his demagoguery, influences the actions and beliefs of millions of people. And as it's Christianity, and American Protestant Christianity at that, there are a few modern tenants that inevitably are tied up with that.  The biggest one behind opposing abortion is undoubtedly opposing homosexuality - namely the people themselves and the way that they live their lives. For the Jesus peeps it comes down to the idea that big papa upstairs didn't want gays to be around, but somehow they're here and we gotta stop them or [insert unrelated catastrophic event here]. With incessant proselytizing from pretty much every fiscally lucrative branch of the Jesus friendship fan club (Catholic of the Roman and Greek varieties, Evangelical, Baptist, Mormon, Methodist, classical Protestant, Presbyterian, Anglican [we're talking the big bosses here, not the rogue priests who officiate weddings and what not]), you can generally gather that although one church might not talk about it all the time, they do believe it.

Of course, it's not fair to paint one guy with such broad strokes. We all have our own minds and will, right? Surely someone can follow the word of Jessie Christmas without having to hate gays? Personally, I don't think Christianity has as much to do with liberality of beliefs as opposed to scamming money off of large swaths of people who have been convinced that the search for meaning is over and the guys with the crosses and stained glass windows are the ones who found it. With Osteen, though, it isn't a stretch to say that he isn't cool with gays being happy with who they are. Sure, he says he doesn't like to 'categorize' sin beyond being something that is bad, but lets take not of what he's saying is sin here: if you're gay (or by what I've ascertained his logic would determine, 'decide to be'), then you as a person are sin. He'd try to argue that it's more about the act, but that's not the whole part of being gay. It's how you identify yourself in relation to the world and the people around you. It's a clear distinction to many if not most that people don't just 'do gay' but that they are gay. Sure, we all fall on the spectrum, but when have you ever heard someone refer to their sexuality in metrics? People who determine that they are gay took a personal inventory and discovered who they are. To Osteen that's a tantamount admission of being pure evil, something beyond even Ya-Ya Wehman to allieviate.

So What's The Prob, Saint Bob Of The River Ob

So, now that we have determined that one IS gay, and that Osteen considers the gayness to be unholy, what can we determine about what he's trying to say about the subject? You can't hate the sin and love the sinner in this circumstance, and I certainly don't believe this dude actually hates gay people. I dislike ending these kinds of arguments with 'he's just confused' or such, as I assume that he's spent enough time thinking about this stuff to have reached an opinion with purpose. So I think he's lying. I would like to think he's just practicing willful ignorance - then he might be able to learn from his error and change.  The thing about people who are at the top of a religious hierarchy, or ones that develop one of their own, is that they have a whole lot of money riding on people who support said hierarchy. Osteen's problem is that he's built up what is essentially a supremely successful business on people who, for some reason or another, dislike the allowance of homosexuality. Now, there's some wiggle room afforded to someone like Joel: as a minister, he has the sway and obviously the communication ability to influence his customers into buying something that they might not like.  He's got the luxury of his advertising being the main product of his business, and he's pretty free to do what he wills with it. For real, dude can feasibly say that Mr. Big Bang wants them all to jump on one foot during a sermon to summon the Holy Spirit and more than half of his customers will do it because he says so.

If that's so, then why doesn't he just convert all his people in the non-asshole camp of human solidarity? For that we have to jump back into what exactly the product he's selling is.  Osteen is more commonly criticized for being a 'feel-good' preacher. What the critics mean is that he's really selling love and peace and self confidence, which when you consider his source material is barely making a scratch on what is necessarily important to practitioners of the market. They're looking for salvation and relief for the most part. The Jungian flip side of that want is to see that people who are doing wrong are punished and severely so. And oh boy do Christians seem to want gays to be punished, almost as if it was a fetish. Well, somebody like Osteen who caters in rose-tinted perspectives of the human condition will have a hard time dealing with all that negativity.  The thing about all those fire-and-brimstone sermons is that they're a major bummer. The people who most often are listening to them are parts of more guilt-obsessed sects, and Osteen doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who sees unsubstantiated guilt trips as beneficial to the average Joe Jesuslove. So he tries to keep his mouth shut about these issues when he can and muddles the discussion when it has to be addressed.

Revelations and Renovations

Do I think Joel Osteen is a bad guy? Well, of course I do. The guy makes millions off folks by tricking them into believing he knows the intent of a speechless creator - that makes his a scam artists, and all scam artists are bad. I do think the reasons he's bad are a bit more nuanced, and they mostly have to do with omitting his own beliefs and values for the sake of keeping the con going. I don't honestly believe that someone who has spent so much time around Jesus people doesn't have a steadfast opinion on an issue as divisive in his circles as homosexuality. I do believe that he's afraid that if he chooses one side over the other that he will lose a considerable amount of people, and frankly that's cowardly but also basic business sense. None of his congregation would have as much trouble admitting to their beliefs, nor would many of them have trouble denouncing homosexuals. If he does, though, he severely limits the breadth of his booksales and sermons-on-DVD. That's a big problem when you own a basketball stadium and have to pay for upkeep.

I am glad that I watched the video now, because I think it's showcasing the beginning of his inevitable fall. Now that it's out in the open that this guy is hemming and hawing his way around tough issues like this, I have little doubt that the dude is going to pushed harder and more often on them. Scams tend to fall apart once everyone is in on it being such, and if the scammer himself is the one that is laying out the cards then it's a lot easier for the folks who are bitter about it to focus their frustrations towards. Osteen is going to have to answer these question eventually unless he wants to risk lossing all of his potential capital, and frankly I don't think he knows how to deal with it yet.  My worry is that by the time the fire under his feet gets hot enough, he'll have figured out a way to jump out of the flame.  Like most scam artists, Osteen is not dumb. And like most scam artists, they're always looking for the next gimmick and the newest batch of suckers to play.

Trust and Love, nerds.

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A bear can sing a forlorn tune To epic battles old and new But never trust its witty verse For surely it's and ursine curse They got the spell from witches books Which stolen from cursory looks Have led the things from fishing nooks To winning chess with lonely rooks A bard can tell a many take Empires grown, cities fell But bears have secrets to regale For intent hearers to resell Though we may wish another way Bears know life here cannot stay The living here will surely pay For the failing of who forever lay June 6 2014

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Ston is Back. And He's Nervous.

Sup.

I've been playing around for the past couple of months since graduating from my second round in Conservatory. I've been improvising, sure, but I've been doing other things to help keep my mind off of what I feel to be a period of stagnation.  I had the privledge of being a lead in Robot vs. Dinosaur's new full-length musical, 'The Attack At Bikini Werewolf Beach Pt. II' (there is no part I), which has been a highlight in what has been a rather grim year.  Not grim in a personal sense (it's always grim behind these hazel eyes and between these honking ears), but in a more worldly sense. We've got two dismal wars that we're limping ourselves out of, the Ukraine has effectively gone into a full-blown civil war at the prompting of Moscow, and who knows now how many dozens of people have been shot to death by entitled white men thus far. I don't know about you, but this shit weighs down on me.

I've kept myself out of an uncontrollable spiral of depression mostly by catching up on my reading.  My roommates will attest to the gigantic collection of books I have, about half of them read but a significant amount more now that I'm not putting all of my energy into writing and performing two shows at the same time.  I've gotten two-thirds of the way through Dante Alligheri's Divine Comedy, leaving off about half way through Paradiso before I had to take a break from Italian reneisance-era political references to catch up on some short stories and some good old fashioned economics reading. I've become engrossed with Ernest Hemmingway, picking and choosing from his collection of early stories and finding the inspiration to write my own again. I've been fiddling with one lately about a homeless guy being thrown out of a dumpster by a Starbucks employee, so I guess I'm putting my minor to work.  My big reading project has been Adam Smith's The Wealth of Nations, an easily read book that is daunting merely due to its subject matter and something in the ballpark of 1500 page count.  My dad is an economist, so I imagine when I finally finish it in the next few months we'll have a lot more interesting and intellectual arguments about capitalism versus socialism.

Enough of that shit: let's talk improv.  I said earlier I felt stagnant, and I think a lot of it has to do with not having my own fleshed-out philosophy on the work.  Another part - more pressing as of late - is my seeming inability to put on a good show for an improv audition. Let me explain: I've been auditioning at the Second City more since I've graduated. I've been lucky enough to be at a boat audition, as well as ones for the House Co. team Twisty, Coached Ensemble, and the last round of writing 6 shows.  Of all of them I got Coached Ensemble, which is not only good but made better because my coach is a good friend and previously my genius director for Blood Oath's last sketch show. Oh, and I get to perform with a couple of nerds from Blood Oath as well. Fucking nerds. Outside of that, though, I feel like I've botched my other improv-based auditions and I really don't understand why. I took an Auditioning for Improv class. I've gone through multiple training centers (although I have yet to finish Annoyance), and I have ten years of experience performing.  If we're going by the numbers here, at least when it comes to the adage about how long it take to be good at this, I should be in my prime.  Maybe as a performer I am, but when it comes to situations where I'm vying for a spot amongst limited spots, I flinch.

I think some of it might have to do with my weakness in shortform. I got started doing this stuff by learning long form, and honestly I think jokey improv is exhausting. I can sling a joke like everybody else, but I'd rather get deep than light. That can be a big problem when the place you're trying to get your foot into is known for being quick, witty, and funny as opposed to calm and serious. Not to say there isn't a place for my natural playing style there - one of the best, funniest people in that building not only can do the fast bits but is a consummate artist when it comes to dramatic improv (she even teaches the classes on them [It's Rachel Mason, by the way]). But there is an existing business model there that they are trying to fill, so even if you are a marvelous free spirit that creates beautiful moment of theatre with the most crass of suggestions, you still have to be able to drop it or at the very least modify it enough so that you can do what they want.  In my own mind I know I can do it, but the actual implementation of it has been a struggle as of late.

I'm nervous in auditions.  Not always - generally I don't mind spitting a monologue out, maybe playing with a cold read.  Improv auditions freak me out though.  I think it has to do with my nervous nature.  Maybe not nature as much as conditioning - we never really get away from who we are in high school in some respects, and in high school I was jittery, scared, and hated myself.  I'm not so scared anymore (ten years in the game will do that, but it occasionally surfaces) nor do I hate myself (Ok, mom?), but I'll be damned if I don't get the nerves when I have to do make-em-ups with a stranger.  How do I know they're any good?  How do I know they won't just throw a wrench into our scene just to fuck me up.  I don't, and I guess I have to stop worrying about that.  the problem is that I'm kind of a control freak when it comes to auditioning.  I like to know what my goals are, what my paths to achieving it are, what the general skill and ability of my scene partner is. Most of those I can do without much though, minus knowing my partner but the control in such a setting (a scripted audition, I mean) makes that a minor inconvenience.  With an improv audition it all is centered on my ability to do something good with someone that I know nothing about.  Now, I'm smart enough to know that I can relate to just about anybody on SOME level.  I'm skilled enough that I can pull a character out of my ass without any forewarning and fit them snugly into any scene.  I don't know that about my partner, though, and that keeps me on edge.

So, I'm reaching out.  Anybody who is reading this, if you have a trick or maybe a thought on how I (or we, as I doubt I'm alone in this) can overcome what is essentially a mental block, please enlighten me.

Trust and Love, Nerds.

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"Hold on a sec. I’m having a bad hijab day."

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