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sparklyfanartisan-blog · 8 years ago

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Karen lived in a completely white house except for the stainless steel and a few other random items. Karen had a full closet full of bacteria fighting cleaners, even her heating and cooling had the most expensive filter money could buy to filter out all the impurities. Karen spent most of her days wiping down counters, toys, toilets, and other surfaces around the house. As she watched her daytime TV on a completely white sofa covered in plastic she would pay close attention to the commercials. Particularly the ones advertising cleaning products and sanitizers. Their promise of killing 99.9% of all bacteria and virus excited her so much she would put on her sterile latex gloves and face mask and run off to the store in her car to pick up the newest products. She wanted to ensure she had killed 99.9% of all the germs and viruses that lived in her house, to her they were the Japanese of WWII and these cleaners were her atom bomb and 101st Airborne. Karen was an avid online shopper she applauded this new development, now she didn’t have to leave her house and risk getting sick. She would still wear gloves and a face mask when answering the door to get the packages and she would promptly wipe them down and then wipe down it’s contents, even though most of it was some sort of new cleaning gadget or solution. Karen was married at some point; the chemical fumes had made her all but forget when she was married or who too for that matter. She also had a daughter, but the father had won the parental rights to his daughter since her mother showed up to the divorce court in a full body bio-chemical suit. When the judge asked her if she worked somewhere that required the suit, she gave him a stupid look and replied “I wear it to protect me from the smallest assassins in the world, bacteria and viruses.” He shook his head and with the swift move of his gavel the kid was her husbands. Her neighbors often wondered where she got the money to afford the nice home she lived in and to pay for everything from lawn care to the thousands of packages she received in a year. That was one thing she knew well was where her money came from, her parents, who had made their fortune by starting a major appliance store chain. She collected the money from it through the way of a trust her parents had set up, it got bigger each year and the amount she received was more than fair and it was adjusted for inflation. It was originally rumored that her husband had married her to try and get a hold of the trust. He did kind get a hold of a part of that trust the part that went to his daughter although when she turned 18 it would be completely in her name and a new trust would be set up, Karen’s parents were meticulous in putting together legal matters such as that. Karen still received a good portion even though it was now her brother that controlled the company, he didn’t come around much since he moved the headquarters from it’s humble Midwest office to it’s new Lower Manhattan address. He said on the first day it was traded on the NYSE that “Our new address reflects we are a much more mature company than we had been when we were founded by my parents a mere 45 years ago.” Of course as he rang the opening bell everyone cheered him on and the stock performed well, in fact it split only 6 months on the exchange, during what some were calling a recession. I’m off track now, anyway back to Karen. You may ask why she seems like she’s from a well to do family why on earth would she go crazy. Ok so a lot of well to do people are off their trolleys, if you will, but she was normal growing up, she had a good level head, which was sadly missing from her brothers shoulder. He was kind of how do I put this nicely, a pompous jackass, and believed that everyone was put on earth to kiss his ass. Sorry for the bitterness, that’s for a later time. Anyway Karen lived a fairly normal life; her parents started their store when she was five. She used to love going into the store and checking out all the new appliances and playing with them. By the time she was 18 they had more than 18 stories in the tri-state area and they kept growing. They would beat anyone’s prices and they backed everything they sold with a 5 year warranty and if they couldn’t fix they’d give a newer updated model for free. Of course it was very rare they were unable to fix it, they didn’t get where they were by giving away free appliances. Then Karen went to school, she studied philosophy, she figured why not, she didn’t need to worry about making money when she got out of school. She thought she could solve a lot of the problems in the world, this is that leveled headed part, well as level headed as you can get when your family is worth millions and still growing. Her brother on the other hand who was born when she was 10 knew nothing other than wealth and he went to school for business, he assumed he would take over the company after his parents passed, he was correct. While in school Karen met a strapping young gentleman and they started dating, much to her parent’s disapproval. Ok so he wasn’t really strapping, actually he was barely a gentleman, he thought it made him a nice guy that he would let the girl get into bed first, what a gentlemen. Either way she kind of reformed him, again this is where the rumors about his just wanting money comes in. I think they truly loved each other, but that’s just one persons opinion. They married and had a kid, now this is where Karen kind of dives head first into the shallow end of the pool, if you will. She loved her new daughter so much she didn’t want anything to happen to her. Well on one fateful fall day she had her daughter out at the park and her daughter like any curious kid put half the jungle gym in her mouth, I kid, but really she tasted every surface she could, even after she knew all the tastes. The next few days she broke out in a horrible rash and got an out of control fever. Karen and her husband rushed her to the hospital; the doctor told Karen she had picked up a very nasty and nearly deadly virus somewhere. He asked if she put things in her mouth, Karen of course said yes, all kinds of things she replied like the whole jungle gym for instance. He told Karen to be a little more careful about that and that until her daughter was fully recovered she should bleach her toys and Lysol most other surfaces. This is where that crazy comes in Karen; apparently it was the thought of losing her daughter to invisible devils, as she called them. She happened to be watching daytime TV while she cleaned, now for those of you without jobs or that like to play hooky a lot know that day time TV is not only trash, but littered with cleaning product ads. Lysol always had my favorite you know the ones where it talks about all the dangerous viruses and then shows these disgusting animations of the viruses just having a party on your surfaces in your home, and then the spray killing 99.9% of them. Karen became what is known as a neat freak and then that spiraled into a germaphobe, which is a real disease go ahead Wikipedia that shit, trust me it’s real, the original host of Double Dare had it or something along those lines. Back to Karen, it got so bad that she bought a kid bio-chemical suit and two adult ones; of course her husband would never wear one. The day it came was the same day he filled for divorce he said that suits were the last straw of her sanity. Skip to the present to the chemically dazed Karen of today. Karen is always looking for that miracle product that would kill 100% of all viruses and bacteria, but she had her own cocktail, it was a mix of bleach, Lysol, Oust, Dial, and 10X filtered water. She felt it killed 100% and she had tried unsuccessfully to get it sold, but every company she went to tested it and said that the rat’s they tested it on died within weeks. Even Chinese companies denied her, each company told her she should stop using the concoction that it would kill her or cause sever brain damage and possible birth defects in the state of California. They also told her to never use it near an open source of fire because she would blow her self up. One day after cleaning she felt even more light headed than usual and almost passed out. She recovered enough to call 911 which she requested that the ambulance be completely sterilized before they put her in it, also that the hospital she was going to be completely sterile, they humored her. When they arrived she had fallen to the floor, it appeared that after the phone call she had finished cleaning her floors, which where already spotless. When she arrived at the hospital she was barely breathing, her heart beat was erratic and her brain waves were odd. No one knows how long the last thing was going on, one can assume this is that brain damage the manufactures spoke of. The ER doctors tried giving her pure oxygen, which as pure as it was, had small particles which had bacteria attached to them, they were no more harmful than the bacteria found in yogurt, you know the good ones. Well Karen’s extra clean lifestyle lead to an excessively weak immune system, so all the bacteria from the medics, ambulance, the hospital, and now the air were having a field day. They say no one has ever had bacteria and viruses mutate as quickly as they did in Karen, even AIDS patients faired better than her. By the next day the doctor had contacted the family and informed them that, Karen most likely wasn’t going to make it, between the brain defects and the several sicknesses she now had, she was the titanic, built to be unsinkable, now sinking faster than America’s credibility on the world stage, sorry had to slip that in. She did die on the 99th day of the year within the last few hours of the day, 99.9 days to be exact. So remember the next time you think about washing your hands a 1,000 times in one day or Lysoling everything remember the sad tale of Karen, who fell victim to the sanitary lifestyle offered by those mega corporations, you know the ones that pollute the earth but sell products to keep it “clean.”

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