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Imagine, you're a 6 year old girl whose frantically excited to get home and show your family what you've made in school; it's a drawing of your dreams and what seemed to look like how your future would be. Though the artwork has obvious imperfections on it,rough and uneven lines, unmatched colors, and flawed handwritings, you're still most proud of it because it's the first time you've done it and you've poured your heart on it to make it as the best as it could look, and it made you envisioned your dreams more clearly and you remembered everything you had in mind while doing your artwork; everything that you are dreaming for your family, your plans to prosper and succeed, and doing what's making you truly happy.

Panting but enthusiastic, you immediately approached your mom whose sitting in the living room, watching her favorite TV show. "Mom! Mom! Look what I've done at school. It's a drawing of how I imagine my dreams would be! Do you like it?"

She stared at it for quite a time while you just stand there, waiting for her reaction and hoping that she'll like it. While you mom was examining it, there goes your brother into the scene and took a look at your work, saying, "Hmm, something looks a little off in here."

What was once was filled with gladness and hope, your little heart started to feel a bit of doubt. Then your mom added, "Yeah, I think so too. Maybe the lines in here are too thick and doesn't seem straight."

"But that's because I didn't have my ruler with me."

"And this one here -- is it really supposed to be in there?", your brother added.

"But I think that's how it really is --"

"And why does this seem to be lacking some kind of details?"

"Well, I don't have the complete set of crayons--"

Then your mom stopped you, "Wait, did you used the pencils from my table?"

"Uhm, yeah, I'm sorry I forgot to tell you but I'll return--"

"You know you're not supposed to have it cause it costs a lot!"

"I--"

Then your brother budges in, "Why does your handwriting look like this? It seems bad."

"But--"

With hesitation showing in his face, he continued "and I don't think this is how its supposed to look like. It looks fine but it's just doesn't seem appealing to me."

Your mom tried to show some light from her face and said, "Maybe you could do better next time."

You just stood there, absorbing everything they have said, recalling each and every word you heard. Eyes battering, knees getting weak, feeling your heart clench and sink, you remebered how you poured into your artwork everything you could and how beautiful you imagine their reactions would be.

"Or maybe we can show this to your Aunt Suzy!"

Frightened that you aunt's reaction would be just the same and now more anxious about your artwork, you just answered "Nevermind," got your work back from their hands and went straight up to your room.

You sat there, stared at your drawing and remebered how you felt so proud about it, how you poured your heart onto it, how you thought about your family and dreamed for them and how happy you were while making it. With your drawing laid down on your bedside table, filled with happy and bright colors, you reached out for the black crayon and started to fill it with the darkest color.

[sparklingperiwinkle-blog1]

Noh Ji Wook lip bites ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  - Episodes 1-20

[sparklingperiwinkle-blog1]

A streak of love

1:11am, I have an exam later-- yes, later, at 1pm-- and I should be studying,  but my mind couldn’t absorb a single bit of any lesson in my computer course for whatever reason. Since the last few days, something has been bothering me and I could not fathom, or even put into words what exactly it is. All I know is that it stops me from doing the things I should be doing, it made my anxiety even worse (which I was already battling out from myself), it made so sensitive and fragile with other people that even the slightest inconvenience would either make me so mad or cry or both, and worse I tear up so easily for no specific reason, which is unusual for me. 

Maybe school has been too much for me, and the more I get to see how much is demanded from me, the less I become motivated. And it sucks, big time. No comforting words from my friends whom I rely on could lessen my burden anymore. I even get so easily distracted while praying. Everything I used to be and used to do so good doesn’t work with me now. Nothing seems to make me happy anymore.

1:11am, 10th of October, 2017, it was just 10 days after I became 19 years old. 19 years filled with good-- no great memories that molded to become the person I am now. But this post isn’t about me or does it have anything to do with my 19 memory-filled years. It was when I’ve had enough with my review that I decided to go on facebook and scrolled down my timeline. There, I saw the people I love shared posts and it reminded me of how much my life is filled with love and that I have no reason at all to give up because there are people who believes in me and everything I do, is for them. This time again, I cried, but not like the tears from the past few days, but tears of love and joy and of how God is truly amazing for showing me a great reminder to keep going.

1:11am, since I could not even understand anything from what I am reviewing, I decided to make a streak of love post messages to every single one who makes my life worth living and fighting for:

Mama: My best friend, my sister, my teacher, my companion, my Wonderwoman, I love you.  I don’t get to say these words to you often, especially in person, but Mama I truly do love you so much. And thank you; thank you for waking up earlier than me everyday to prepare my food for school, you’ve been doing this for over 20 years now, but there’s not a single one that you’ve failed to do so, except when we didn’t alarm the night before. Thank you, not just for bringing me up to this world, but for helping and guiding me survive this challenging life. I don’t think I would be able to get through anything if it weren’t for your constant support and delivery of my needs. Ever since I was just in preparatory, I have always seen you there for me and that is why until now in my tertiary, I still keep fighting and struggling to make you and Papa proud. Thank you for everything, Ma. For always keeping up with my ‘kaartehan’ and understanding all of it. Just like what I once said in my birthday post to you, I will always look up to you, no matter how far I may go. People always say great things about me, but they don’t know you one of the few people whom I got if from. And can I just say how beautiful you are? Because you truly are! 47 has never looked so beautiful and I am so grateful people say we look so much alike. I wish I could be half as great as you are as a woman, or especially as a mother, when I become older. Everything about you is just magical and wonderful and I am so grateful because I have you, better, as my mama, and I wouldn’t replace you for anyone in this world, because you are more than what I could ask for. 

Papa: The first guy I truly love, no other guy can replace you. I could not imagine your struggles, hardships and battles while on board, longing for everyone here in Ph, facing your bossy bosses and demanding job and all of it for almost 20 years just to keep us alive and provide our needs. Papa, thank you isn’t enough, not even a million of it, for your sacrifice and unfathomable love for us. You are one of the most selfless person I know and I will always be in awe of how you are able to endure all of it, to the extent of you not having a single bite just so that we could have the whole bread for us. I am pretty sure characteristics are genetic and maybe that’s why Kuya’s and I are so determined and hardworking as well when it comes to our studies, because we can see it from you alone. True enough, whenever I encounter hardships with my acads and feel like I just want to give up, I just think of you, on board, cooking, chopping and doing everything  for us so that we can have a good life. I just think of it all and my spirit automatically lifts up and so, I am determined to go because that was what you always tell us, you endure all of it and put us first in everything because that’s how much you love us. That kind of love is one of the best kind and I don’t think I will be able to encompass that. Out of all my idols, you are on top of it all and I will always be in awe and gratitude for you. We may have so many plans after I graduate, and as much as possible, I don’t want to make any promises, but that doesn’t mean I will let you down once I graduate, but I promise you one thing for certain; once I graduate and have a stable and decent job, you will never miss a single celebration with us from that moment on. We will be celebrating all the forthcoming events, all 7 of us, complete and together. I love you with every bits of me and you will always be the no. 1 man in my heart “now and forever”.

[sparklingperiwinkle-blog1]

Captain America of my own

A lot of people have known you for your charm and kindness. But little did they know the pain you must have also gone through. For over 6 decades, all you ever did was to serve; serve the people that most matter to you. You work hard everyday in order to have something you could give to us, to fulfill our needs and wants. You had nothing else in your mind but just us, to the extent that you let yourself age without having that someone.

Sacrifice is an understatement for everything that you have given us tito. You gave up your own happiness just so that we could have ours. It was never necessary for you to stay, but you did anyway because you’ve always cared for the children. I know it, because I, myself, received most of your heart. Growing up, I almost thought you were my father because you became a father-figure to me while my dad is away. When my brothers and I would fight, whenever I had tantrums, or whenever you just got home from work, you would be there to save me and make me happy even in just the simplest joys. Sometimes I wish I never grew up so that you could always carry me, sleep beside you and let me sit on your lap because those moments were the best part of my childhood. But nonetheless, you’ve always treated me like a princess, just like when you danced me on my 18th birthday in a waltz way while everyone just danced in front of me haha. I am forever grateful for your sacrifice, love and care and just simply having you in my life and making everything better tito.

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My own Superman

Big body, golden heart and always there for everyome in need, that’s you dad. You’ve been through a lot of places, but not to just wander, but because a lot of people are depending on you. You are willing to go afar and be apart from us because you know, it will be a good thing to fulfill our needs and give us a better life. For 18 years, you’ve endured the pain of being away just to be able to give us a decent home, foods in our plate and togas and diplomas for us.

Never in my wildest dreams could I ever imagine the pain that you must have gone through in all those years in other countries. The feeling of being away from home in order to save others takes a lot of power and will and for you to endure that in almost 2 decades is more than just a sacrifice. It is literally giving your very own life and I could never ever replace that. The homesickness, missing everyone in here and the events that should be spent as a whole family, I might be familiar with the feeling but I sure will never know and understand how it truly felt but you, you surely were the best man I will ever know.

[sparklingperiwinkle-blog1]

Real-life Wonder Woman

I’ve met and known a lot of people who has done spectacular things in the world but nothing, or no one, could ever surpass my amazement to this particular person. She’s got the strongest body and mind, the loudest voice which makes me squeek every time I hear it but most of all, she has the most beautiful heart and soul that I have ever seen– so precious and genuine that I could not ever comprehend how she’s still able to stand against the harshness of this world to her, not to mention that I even add up to that.

To my ever so wonderful mom, I could never ever thank you enough. I have been such an imperfect daughter but you still stood by me and never gave up on me. From the moment you knew you will be having me, to my birth and up to this day, you kept strong for me and for this family and endured all the pain and misery that have come along the way. But despite the pain you are faced, you are still able to give out the sweetest smile and the biggest heart and patience to everyone you love. With that, it will always be a wonder for me how a woman like you, who has been through a lot, is still able to stand for us and save the day.

[sparklingperiwinkle-blog1]

Sweet Escape

It's only been 3 in the afternoon and I am already concluding that today is a fucked up one. I had nothing else to do and I'm stuck at home- no friends coming by, no plans of going out or even invitations of hanging out- and I had nothing else in mind but to read my newly delivered book I ordered online "The Sky is Everywhere" by Jandy Nelson. Apart from watching movies, reading is the only thing that I love doing at home (well, eating is option as well if there's food which apparently is none). I was in the middle of enjoying myself when a loud, piercing voice directly went on me that whenever I hear it, it makes me want to rip off my ears then throw it or bury it so that I couldn't hear it anymore. The voice I'm pertaining to came from no other than my mom, who's voice is always loud for no logical reason. And what did she say this time? "Sinabi kong isearch mo na yung pinapasearch ko. Puro ka nalang basa." ("I told you to search what I told you. You don't do anything but read.") And when I asked her where to find it for I don't where in the internet to find it, she doesn't know either. And that angered me so much. I am angered that she judges what I do when in fact, I have nothing else to do and there is absolutely no wrong with what I am doing. As matter of fact, I would choose read than do anything else because whenever I read, everything gets better. Problems disappear, the world is nowhere to be found and I am here, indulging myself in this made up world by authors where I don't have to mind anything else but this world I am in. And for me, it's better this way. I have no problems to think of and have nobody to bother to. It gives me the sweet escape to this trash life. If only I could be the characters in these books I read, at least I know there is an end to whatever they are going through and have the happy ending they are meant to have.

[sparklingperiwinkle-blog1]

i

i really don’t know how to start on this. i just needed to get this out of my heart. it’s been stuck here for a few days now, or months rather. everything around me feels like they’re all falling apart. my soul, my dreams, my spirit, my hopes, my happiness. and no, it’s not about that boy i’ve been blogging for the past months. it’s all about me now. right now, i just can’t see myself anymore. it feels like i am now a different person. my happy and cheerful self is now gone and it is now replaces with a cloudy and melancholic soul that is slowly drifting from the colorful rainbows i used to live in. and what’s worse is that i don’t have the courage to tell it to anyone, neither my best friends nor my parents. i’m afraid they won’t understand me. i’m afraid they’ll just hear me but not actually listen. i’m afraid that they will just judge me. i’m afraid to hear words that i don’t want or need to hear, it will just drive me more insane. maybe i need someone, a stranger probably, who will just there, sit down next to me or in front of me, a fine boundary would do maybe, then they’ll just sit there while i do all the talking. someone who will listen to me throughout my talking, who will fight the urge to drift away from listening to all my dramas but will do their best to absorb everything i’m saying, comprehend what i’m trying to vent out and empathize with my feelings. they don’t really have to say anything at all, or maybe a little words of hope and assurance will do, and they can just sit there and look at me so that i can see what they are feeling towards me or they can also tell me what they feel! that would be great, a person who have no idea who i am, listens to me and then will tell me what their reaction is after hearing me out. it’s like buying a new water container then filling it with different kind of juice, not only water, then they’re always there whenever i need to fill them up. it’s a bad metaphor isn't it? yeah, i suck, i actually suck at everything. but that is what i need now the most, a listening buddy. and that is why i’ve come through here, at tumblr. because no one knows me. no one knows my true identity and nobody who knows me knows that this is me. and i will put every emotion i can never tell to anyone in here because it makes me feel better. i’ve said what i wanted to say and maybe a stranger could hear me then maybe what i wanted could actually happen. 

[sparklingperiwinkle-blog1]

Setting myself free

I used to be blinded and let myself drown with the thoughts of us and lived for a moment with hopes of being with you again.

But everything changed. It hit me like a meteor from the skies full of new hopes, new beginnings. Reality dawned unto me and learned that I have not been living my own life. I have depended so much on you, my happiness, my hopes, my future and dreams. It took me quite a long time but hey, better late than never. Now, it’s time for me to love me even more. In that way, I will be able to see my worth and what I am capable of, away from the chains of the heartaches and tears and dead hopes. This time, I will live a life full of hopes that are made to make myself a better person. I will give all of my energy working towards my goals in life and be more independent. In that way, I will be surrounded by people who will see my worth and maybe, someday, find someone who can accept me for who I am and love and never leave me no matter what.

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I will always honestly, truly, completely love you.

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Albeit there is only a little pint of chance that it would happen, I'm still hoping that I would never be replaced.

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Note to self: STOP

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New piece, hope you like it! xo Lang 

………….

My NEW book Memories is now available via Amazon, BN.com + The Book Depository and bookstores worldwide.

[sparklingperiwinkle-blog1]

It was all my fault. For not holding on to it. For letting anger and despair get the best of me. For letting my emotions come first without even thinking twice or many of times. For doing such stupid mistake. For not thinking about everything we had. For making up my mind, not completely knowing of what it may cause. For simply letting you go. And that will always be the greatest mistake I will ever make. And now, it seems that the world turned it all to me. Because now, it seems that I'm the only one stuck in the past. Stuck in all the memories we've shared. Stuck with all the heartaches and sleepless nights. Stuck crying on my bed. Stuck thinking about what ifs and what could have beens. Stuck thinking about us. And it sucks. I thought I was over it. I thought after doing such decision, I will be finally free. But it turns out that I'm the one stranded on the same ground. I'm the one who lost in this battle of love.

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Somewhere in forever, I know we will meet again and it will get into us that what we had never left.

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Words

It’s 12:39 in the morning, yes I’m still thinking of you. It’s been more than three months since the night I said those words to you. I can still remember rehearsing those words even a week before that night. As I did, I presume it will do no harm to my fragile little heart cause I did made myself believe that I can spit out those words and make it through. But then, everything I’ve rehearsed for did nothing but destroy everything we had, everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve planned, everything I have(or had rather) and you, my eveything.

I didn't know what has gotten into me right at that moment and made me able to utter those world-breaking, heart-wrecking, soul-crippling words to you but whatever that may be is, I never want to have it back. I never want to have those guts again because it made me lose “everything”.

Before, I had only a pint of an idea of how words can leave so much impact on certain things. But as soon as I blurted out those words that night, it made me realize of how words could be so powerful in our lives. It could build up a relationship and make things better but on the other hand, it can also break things up that we’re once genuine and treasured. I guess that’s the universal truth about words. It can make or break.

Because of words, I had you.

Because of words, you had me.

Because of words, I had all the sweet nothings in the world.

Because of words, I’ve felt love from you.

Because of words, I fell in love with you.

Because of words, it made us stronger.

Because of words, our worlds revolved around each other and nothing more. But then,

Because of words, I saw how slowly we drifted apart.

Because of words, we began to be away from each other.

Because of words, we started to break apart.

Because of words, you lost it.

Because of words, I lost it.

Because of words, we lost each other.

Because of those words, I lost my everything.