spaceponds

[spaceponds]

i didnt think id be the person who dreads taking my meds every morning but here i am i guess

[spaceponds]

cant wait to dissociate my way through my test exam tomorrow :clap: :clap:

also holy shit this whole thing is just, such a god damn disaster? im v glad my day is tomorrow not today, bc apparently there wAS information put up on the uni internet thing but literally NO ONE has seen it or gotten notifications about it AT ALL? so no one knew what the fuck we were doing, and the teacher just came down to the people just waiting bc they didnt know where they were supposed to go, angry about them being late, and fuuuck me its just. A Mess. (which is... really not a new thing, thats my Main Complaint (and one of the few tbh) abt this course, the info is.... so bad. and so scarce. and hard to find.)

[spaceponds]

this HAS really just become my new brainbad blog instead of my personal sideblog so like, please if thats not something you care for you are very much allowed to unfollow im not checking i dont even remember who and how many even follow this blog at all

[spaceponds]

choosing to listen to emilie autumn earlier today was clearly an OMEN. yes i know thats not how omens work dont talk to me

[spaceponds]

im clearly still a huge giant ball of issues and i absolutely cannot handle them whatsoever and i want to give up every single time anything happens i obviously should never attempt anything much less studying or having a job or having friends or anything else people are like. supposed to do. 

[spaceponds]

god i wish i had group therapy still sometimes

[spaceponds]

i dont get post con blues anymore i havent for years and years i only get post con Extreme Self Loathing 

[spaceponds]

i had such grand plans of just dissociating the day away so that i could get through it but i guess thats out the window. and i still need to go see my not-therapist. which, yes, sure, might be a good thing when im doing bad but also this is literally my second time seeing her and shes not there to BE my therapist shes just there to figure out how i can get the help i do need (hopefully) and then carry me on with whatever, or, something, i dotn even know and i dont think she fully does either, but regardless its not like shes some therapist ive had for ages and know and trust (not that ive.... ever liked or trusted any of my actual therapists, but, you know) so i dont know what i can even expect

[spaceponds]

like how am i supposed to actually............................. do things(tm), when i just end up spending all of my energy thinking about how bad i am and how much everyone hates me its just, not feasible? like i have enough going on just being anxious about the things themselves, and like, having to DO the things i have to do, but those things dont come alone, OH NO, you fucking betcha if i have that going on every single other brain junk i have will hear the rumours and just come Piling On Top

[spaceponds]

me, seeing a Relatable Borderline Post(tm) after having a lot of those good old symptoms/whatever lately: ah. right. yes. thats still a thing isnt it.

[spaceponds]

and i thought my appointment was today until i got to the metro station and checked the time on my phone (on the text reminding me of it) to make sure i had the right time, and, yes, i sure did, but the wrong fucking day! so now i have to go to bed at a reasonable time, and get up earlier than i want to, tomorrow AGAIN and im just, filled with anxiety and so tired and i just dont wanna. and i just feel. real bad my dudes

[spaceponds]

i keep forgetting i have this blog lmao

but anyway im fucking exhausted but simultaneously super anxious and i just wanna lay down in bed and watch a video and cry and then sleep but guess what the flesh prison requires food as well!! fucking!! fantastic!! im not in the mood leave me alone with your human needs

[spaceponds]

dont you just love how if you dont manage to show up to your appointments on time or at all ever then ur just not trying hard enough and dont really want the help, but if u ARE able to show up then clearly that shows that ur functioning, actually, and dont NEED any help, you Just Cant Win

[spaceponds]

conclusion: all therapists bad and evil

[spaceponds]

im so ready in four weeks time to cry and tell all my fellow group members that i will miss them and then also tell the therapists to SUCK IT

[spaceponds]

the meeting w my therapists was AWFUL, im hungry and the wifi is shit and i Just Want To Cry FOrever

[spaceponds]

finally told my brother abt name change. three down, the two scariest ones to go.