soythesaucytoast

[soythesaucytoast]

not to be insensitive but some of the salem witch trials were so funny bitches like “i saw her at the devils sacrament!!!” girl… what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament 👀

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Tim: How did you break your leg?

Dick : Do you see those porch stairs?

Tim: Yes.

Tim: Let me guess. You didn't?

Dick: I didn't.

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i don't think anyone has ever fallen in love with someone because of their strong sense of restraint, their elaborate performance of apathy and their ability not to triple text. just sayin

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you're humming. Santa's cheating on Mrs Claus And you're humming. Santa's committing blatant adultery with an ingénue sugar baby w/ the voice of an angel Eartha Kitt. and you're SINGING ALONG

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Tim: Bruce, why did you choose your hero name to be batman?

Bruce: I didn't

Dick: ????

Bruce: that's just what people started calling me. The name stuck so I went with it

Dick: what were you going to name yourself originally?

Bruce: nothing, I didn't want a name for Batman original

Jason: that means you could've been named Catman

Tim: and everything would be cat themed, catcave, catcar, the catcow-

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Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin, Spoiler, Batgirl, all hug their teams after missions, check in, make sure they’re fine, because its what Bruce would do, what Batman did, after a rough patrol, or a difficult mission, he’d crush them close, ensure their safety, check in afterwards because maybe the mission was a little harsher and more trying so Bruce was a little more bitchy and he just wants to check in, make sure they’re good, make sure his kids are okay, that they’re safe, and the League sees this happen and is like “where did crime lord Red Hood learn this?” to just hug his teammates after battle? Weird. And then they all are like- “wait batman doesn't hug yall after battle?” And the League is like “wtf no????” and yeah…

I just want the kids to be the tadest bit oblivious to the fact that their Batman is also their Dad and is not the League’s Batman.

[soythesaucytoast]

yeah ok i guess

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Dick: What are you two arguing about this time?

Jason: He's always using common phrases incorrectly!

Tim: Cry me a table, Jason.

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Tim: There is no i in happyness…

Jason: There is if you fucking spell it right.

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We have exactly one Christmas tradition in my house, and it feels very important to share it. I've been a cat person basically forever and for most of my adult life, my house has had more cats than people in it. They've all liked sleeping under the Christmas tree and all that, but other than that, they always just sort of ignored it.

But in 2018, we got Natasha.

There are about a dozen pictures like that, but I always adopt adult cats, so we figured this just came with having a kitten in the house. She was just this tiny little fluff who still fit in my cupped hands despite being about six months old, so we put away the ornaments, shrugged it off, and took advantage of the opportunity to have a really cute Christmas card the next year.

Then, 2019 came around.

Natasha escalated to sleeping in the tree in between trying to eat all the branches, and honestly, it was too funny to make more than a cursory effort to stop her. My partner and I assumed that since she was still pretty tiny, she had more growing to do and would surely get to a point where her own body weight would keep her from doing this. In the meantime, we left the tree without ornaments that year and just called it good.

But then 2020 came around, forcing us to acknowledge that:

Natasha was not going to get too big to do this. At this point it had become clear that she wasn't developing slowly. She was just a really tiny cat. She's less than half the size of any other cat I've ever had.

Natasha was also not going to chill out enough to stop doing this.

But hey. Who needs ornaments with a face like that poking out of the branches at you all the time?

Sure enough, 2021 Natasha also had zero chill about the tree, but at this point it would have been weirder if she did leave it alone.

I thought I had seen everything, but this year I'd been kind of down and my partner decided to surprise me by setting up the tree and stuff while I was at work. It was an incredibly sweet gesture considering they don't actually even like Christmas decorations. It also meant I got to come home to this.

I kept expecting her to fall out, but she just chilled there, surveying the room until she got bored. And yes, that is absolutely a big, fancy cat tree she's ignoring in favor of scaling the Christmas tree.

Two days before Christmas, she has finally gotten bored enough that I'm making my first attempt in ages to actually put up ornaments. At this point, I'm not sure if I'll be more disappointed if they have to come down or if they don't.

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Jason finds out the same stalker kid that used to hang off gargoyles to photograph him mid-patrol is the kid that forced his way into the Robin mantle the second he died and he immediately assumes that Tim's been plotting his downfall since he was seven years old and has been waiting for the perfect opportunity to steal his job.

Jason, looking at the footage of Robin!Tim that Talia shows him: that mad bastard... it's a coup. the evil genius has been planning this for half a decade!

Damian, peering over Jason's shoulder at the weedy 13 yr old chasing a murderous Batman around and looking Stressed™ as he does so:

Damian: *slowly looking between Jason and the footage of Tim*

Jason, murmuring: it's a conspiracy...

Damian:

Damian, to Talia: put him back in the pit he needs another round

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Nightwing and Robin Jason: On your mark, get set g-

Batman: No

Nightwing: No? No, what? You don't even know what we're?!

Batman: You two were about to try and race across the rooftops

Nightwing: And? We do it all the time

Batman: And, they're covered in ice from freezing rain

Robin Jason: So? We fought Mr. Freeze last week, and we're still alive

Batman: [glares]

Dick: Ugh, fine. We won't have ANY fun

Batman: [turns around]

Nightwing:

Robin Jason:

Nightwing and Robin Jason: [glance at each other]

Nightwing and Robin Jason: [whispering] Go

[Both start running]

-

[Later]

Dick: [sitting on the couch with his ankle in a cast] Consequences, gotta be my top three least favorite parts of my actions

Jason: [sitting next to him with his arm in a cast] Big brothers, gotta be the top three worst people to listen to when they say they have a fun idea

Dick: You're just grumpy because YOU fell down first

Jason: [hits him with a pillow]

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tim: Rules are made to be broken.

bruce: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

jason: Uh, piñatas.

dick: Glow sticks.

damian: Karate boards.

cass: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

tim: Rules.

bruce:

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TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS EVE!!!

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Dick: Well please don’t let Tim do anything stupid…

Jason: Stupid by my standards or yours?

Dick:

Dick: Stupid by Alfred’s standards.

Jason: Smart. Tim will live longer.