soverywitty

[soverywitty]

Richard Siken… Richard Fucking Siken. You asked RICHARD SIKEN if his poems were inspired by BUDDIE. Gay men do not exist in people’s heads except as props huh?

[soverywitty]

If you go on this site and say something like "I'm broke right now, I'll have rice instead of steak for dinner" then somebody will come into your notes with the most condescending tone possible and say "EXCUSE ME but rice is FAR more expensive than steak", and if you disagree with them then they'll be like "Fancy gourmet rice cooked for you by a professional chef is much more costly than if your parents give you the steak that they won in a raffle" and act like this is a reasonable reading of your original post and they've successfully corrected you

[soverywitty]

Me when I see the word beaʃte

In my head: ah! The archaic form of the letter s! Being a casual scholar of linguistics myself I am well aware that though it resembles the letter f in modern typography in fact it is phonetically identical to s! How foolish it would be to stumble into such a simple lexiconical pitfall!

Me aloud to myself every time: beeft

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wholesome representation will kill the patient. she needs to torture fictional characters to live

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the b stage is still so scary

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Megatron: it's pride month, Starscream. You know what that means

Starscream: huh. what.

Starscream: do you want us to steal like. gay energy.

Starscream: what

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[soverywitty]

Shoutout to this customer at work who didn't know the difference between a bolt and a yard of fabric and put in an order for 8 bolts and then freaked out when it got here and said she didn't want it. we have enough burlap to clothe a small village because of you. What the fuck are we supposed to do with this. We could make individual sacks for every fucking potato in Idaho. We could supply table runners to every single rustic themed white lady pinterest wedding in the continental united states and still have enough to become a rice bag manufacturer. I hope you dream in burlap

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[soverywitty]

[soverywitty]

i don't really mean this as criticism but every They Might Be Giants song i've ever heard all share this same ultra particular vibe i can only describe as "this sounds like something a programmer started spontaneously singing around the house at like two in the morning because he was trying to annoy his girlfriend's cat"

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[soverywitty]

sorry i really don’t like just reposting someone else’s joke but i haven’t been able to stop thinking about Yucky Stinking Tooth for weeks

[soverywitty]

Text recounting of the full events below but oh my god please watch this person explain the wildest thing happening to them

[image text]r/trueoffmychest post by CptnSpaceCase

Today my aide cooked what should not be cooked

I have to get this out, because today feels like an actual nightmare I keep expecting to wake up from.

I'm disabled, and need help with stuff around the house. Today was the second day with a new agency and new home health aide, "Tina." I set it up so she would come by in the morning while I'm sleeping (insomnia is killer), and I texted her last night what I would need done today.

One of those things was to roast some precut squash I'd gotten so I could have it with my salads and pasta. I was very clear in my instructions: what it looked like, where it was in the fridge, how to use the oven, how to cook it. I also have a roommate who was up and told her she could ask them for help if she couldn't find anything. Or come get me if truly necessary.

Now, I have three pet ball pythons. They eat rats that I thaw from frozen in the fridge in a reusable plastic bag. Yes, that's where I'm going with this.

Tina couldn't find the squash, and so, obviously, that meant she should roast the first other thing she could see that was technically also encased in plastic, in a completely different area of the fridge. The FUCKING RATS. In butter and salt, in my nice baking dish.

And like, that's insane all on its own, but if you're going to cook any animal, you should at least clean and skin it first, right??? Like, do the crazy, disgusting thing properly so I can respect the effort, instead of sticking them in as is. Fur and guts and all.

And the smell. Good God baby Jesus the SMELL. It woke me up and had me gagging the moment I opened my bedroom door. Definitely not squash. Or food-smelling for that matter. At first I thought the squash had spontaneously rotted overnight and she'd tried to cook it anyway. That would have been slightly less insane and much preferable.

I had to pull it out of her what she was cooking instead when she said she couldn't find it (it was in plain sight), had to open the oven and see my snakes' dinners in place of my own and still couldn't process what the fuck was happening, what I was looking at and smelling. I don't like yelling at people and generally avoid it. Today was a day for exceptions. And at the end of my half-crazed, dissociative rant, I told her to get the whole dish and its contents and herself out of the fucking house. And to not come back.

Suffice to say, I've contacted the agency to report it and am requesting a new aide. Now I'm sitting at a cafe trying to calm down and eat something despite the scent memory that's taken up permanent residence and turning my stomach. The whole house reeks like musty, sewage-dipped pork that had been left out for a whole day before being cooked in rancid oil, and I'm not sure Febreeze is gonna cut it. I don't want to go home. 🫠😭

[soverywitty]

guy who gets home from being held hostage by another guy and the first thing he does is google “i think i like men”