soulfishnotes

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Joy Sullivan, from Instructions for Traveling West: Poems; “These Days People Are Really Selling Me on California”

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book of stars (c. 1500’s)

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L.M. Montgomery, Chronicles of Avonlea

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My favourite library.

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Clue (1985) dir. Jonathan Lynn

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A rare moment during the process of coral bleaching

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Sister Moon

Peter Dawson

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Soul Fish Notes

It's July 25th 2023 and I am currently 23 years old. Ever since 2020 I've been trying to work back to the person I was in 2016. Its now 2023... and I'm once again working back to the peace and balance I found during lockdown. The cycle never seems to truly end but today I put a stop to it. I work a monotonous job (in my field of study so hey I have a leg up on the other fucks) yet struggle with the routine of living as an so-called adult. I sound like a basic millennial when I say, "I'm not cut out to work" but the truth is: I am just not cut out for an adult lifestyle. I loved college (as does about anyone) because it was the sweet spot between being a rebellious teenager and a burnout adult. You could drink and smoke all day every day but you weren't looked down upon as an alcoholic or drug addict (maybe you actually were/are but it was accepted). I went from living with eleven of my best friends to being back home in my small suburbia paradise living with my emotionally unavailable parents and narcissistic sister. That was 2022. It's now halfway through 2023 and I can say I'm sober from weed and nicotine for the first time since 2016. I've found the 'runner's high' that all those track bitches blab on about and it does fill the void (for a couple hours). I'm trying to find the zen and balance I once had as a hormonal rebellious teenager but this adulthood stagnation is suffocating. I feel less than I did in 2016 in 2020 and now I feel even lesser in 2023. I barely laugh (not because I'm depressed) because I'm grown too much into the adult nature that my parents impressed upon me as a child. I feel I've always been an adult masquerading as a child, teenager, and college student. Now that I am actually forced to step into this adult role I can't help but be defiant. The struggle is: the defiance is only an internal battle that neither side can declare as the winner. I am over the negative chaos. I yearn for positive chaos and excitement. I will find it in myself to accept the child that was never able to express itself. I will learn from the teenager who never lived in the moment, always worried about micro-managing the future. And build off of the undergrad who was able to express themselves without the fear and judgement of the family.

Welcome to the art, literature, aesthetics, and music that marks this time in my life. The following will be the internal dialogue of my soul as it finds its place in the world (*simulation) and as it discovers the philosophy of this life on earth.

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source

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Guillaume Geefs The Genius of Evil (Lucifer from Liege) (1848)

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The Bathing Pool by Hubert Robert.

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some art details i love part I

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Imaginary View of the Grande Galerie in the Louvre by Hubert Robert.

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Kabood mosque/ Tabriz/ Iran

Photography: sadegh miri