soulbranch-blog

[soulbranch-blog]

I often feel like there isn;t enough time to connect with my highger power - or to be honest, i just dont want to take the time to. its not that i dont want to be connected on a spiritual level, id just much rather eat pizza and watch seinfeld.

its amazing how even when i let my own faith diminish for a while, my higher power seems to be so very active in my life. sometimes its a matter of whether or not i want to listen to what its saying, but on days like today id be hard pressed to miss the messages this greater than is sending my way.

i can minimize what ive been through by coparing it to the pain some have experienced in their lives. but i really have been through a lot in the past couple of years. im 26 and the past 6 years at least have not been easy. luckuily i know today that i am stronger because of it. theres not much i would change. 

although ive managed to evolve from living a fear based life into a rational and more love based state, there is one fear that ive still allowed great power in my life. and i say allow because i firmly believe it is up to us to chose what we spend our energy on. what we decide does and does not have dictatorship over our lives. 

im afraid to be alone.

the irony is that i had to learn how to be OK with being alone before i could venture back into the territory of dating. and its quite a process to match up, get out there and see if someone is the right fit. ive pressed through more than a few first dates and not too long after putting myself out there i find myself going on 2 months of seeing soeone.

he’s really a great guy, no doubt about it. but i’d be kidding myself if i said he was a great guy for me. for a while ive been trying to, but i think by now ive re-adjusted my way of thinking to know better. my gut speaks and i know i cant ignore it like i used to. i want this guy to be the one, but for all the reasons. not because of the way he makes me feel or how much i enjoy his copany, but because of fear.

having a taste of almost being with someone brought me that much closer to my fear of being alone. hiwever i know better. i know that i could try to settle with someone but ive been there before. lying in bed with him tonight was a flashback to a loveless relationship i got involved in years ago. one that left me empty, unhappy, and heavy into my addiction.

and that’s worse than being alone.

i need this blog as an outlet. because i know tomorrow my disease will try to tell me that being with this guy isnt that bad. that i could try approaching things from a few more angles and surely one of them would succeed. but in a moment of clarity like the one im in now, i know its not true. no matter how many ways i spin it, this guy just isnt the one for me.

i say my HP is speaking loud and clear because at the same time as im thinking this, im watching someone i love get closer to death every day becaquse they are so afraid of being alone. why must someone else’s journey be so heartbreaking and insightful to those on the outside. im watching my best friend fade away into an extremely abusive relationship. and while i do not understand how she could possibly stay, i am (possibly for the first time) really not judging her. 

the only thing i can imagine is that she is so afraid to be alone. and i dont wish that on anyone. i pray she gets out of it alive, but i also know i never have to go there. i know now what i never knew i would before - that we are never really alone. life doesnt need to be so heartbreakig

[soulbranch-blog]

Edit ...

 I truly believe that what is meant to be will be. That with pain comes growth, and that discomfort will always, at some point, pass. What amazes me is how firm this belief is, for some reason there has always been one exception for me. True love. What if I’ve already had mine?  I fell into the deepest love when I was still young and naive. I thought there must be more to this whole love thing. I couldn’t believe that I had found it on the first go. So I fled. In the blink of an eye my hurt turned to coal and I knew I would never feel that way again. 

10 years and many passionate moments later, I fear that my heart will never again warm up. The day I walked away from that raw and overwhelming love my heart went cold. With each passion sparks drew near but those little flames never got close enough to make those embers glow again. 

Fate stepped in at some point between loving him and losing him. We found our way back to one another. I didn’t see it then, but looking back now I know that the fire between us was brewing. Sparks of passion and the most deep and honest love flew back and forth, but my heart was still cold and damp - the flame could not take.

The love I felt for him drove me to insanity. I was a fool to walk away the first time, and I had numbed myself so much that I couldn’t be there to receive it the second time around. 

I want to believe that there will be another love like that. One that consumes you rather than haunting me the way this one has for so long. I can’t help but wonder if I shut the door in the face of fate. If fate walked away from me the way I walked away from love. 

I was presented with a second chance at happiness but I shut the door on it. So fate walked out of my life and into his. Left me to my own destruction and worked with his willingness to love again. 

It’s been a decade since I crushed a love that lit up my life. Today I watch from a distance as the only person who made me feel whole lights up the fire of another. Is this what is meant to be? All pain eventually passes, however I am starting to believe that this crushing weight is one I will have to carry forever. My consequence for shutting the door on fate. 

[soulbranch-blog]

pain.

I hurt so much. I cant bare to turn the lights on, to turn the music off. I dont want to sit in silence and hear my thoughts, I dont want to walk past my reflection aymore. I make mysekf sick. I keep hearing that pain is the cornerstone of growth but I don’t know how much i can bare. how do people do it? Keep trudging through life, knowing that the pain will pass, that they will feel happiness and beauty again? Logic says this too shall pass, but right now i feel like the pain is going to swallow me up. I know I will make it through, head above water in time, but I also know that another wave will be right along behind tghis one, ready to pull me under again. I wonder what its like to be normal. Is it like floating? Laying on your back and knowing that you can stay above water? I’ve never been able to just float. And ive mever been able to just feel. How much can one person take? How much loneliness can I bare? I am insane. In many ways I have found my solution, but working through living with me is exhausting. When do I simply call it a day? 

I know I have so many things to be grateful for. so many reasons to carry on. but feeling this way makes me feel as though i should just cave. i just want to give up. tonight i want to cry and peel my skin away from my suffocating soul and feel relief from living as myself. when will i get some relief from myself. 

[soulbranch-blog]

Lost & Found Emotions

Do you ever have a foreign feeling pass through you? One you’ve longed to have and then for a moment somewhere along the line it suddenly clicks and then is gone almost faster than it came? you want to hold onto it but you cant. And even though it has surfaced and passed so quickly, all of a sudden you are overcome with hope; amazed that you could even feel that way at all. 

[soulbranch-blog]

Surrender.

Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems. Surrender just makes sense. So often words float through my head like shrapnel, destroying every inkling of hope and happiness that once existed. I once came to a point in my life where I couldn’t fight it anymore. Like a country at war, I put up my white flag and surrendered. I gave up the idea that I knew anything, and I turned my life over. That was the toughest thing I’ve done so far. And the best. Life is far from perfect today; I often feel sad, and hell do I ever feel uncomfortable in my own skin. But I stand proud at some point in each day to still be in it. That I have a safe haven for my soul to reside. That I can find hope and choose to live life on the up. Even now I fight the mental noise, but I know that it can be overcome. Life does go on. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it will, but pain can’t last forever. Not unless you want it to.  I’ve started a thousand other blogs, floating somewhere in the infinite space that is the internet ... so I hope this one works out. So often I hear my soul speak up through all the other mental noise, and it says beautiful things. I want to find it in me to write like no one is reading. To really put life and all of its emotions and experiences somewhere stagnant. Everything moves so fast and the present too quickly becomes the past. Writing is infinite. Words can live forever. It is my hope that I can put my deepest, most honest moments and emotions into some sort of beautiful alliterations and let my soul branch out into the world in a tangible way. [03.21.2017.11:06pm]