sorryforexistinq - Tumblr blog

[sorryforexistinq]

it's 1 am and i don’t wanna die, surprisingly. the past months have been rough. i started feeling suicidal a long time ago but i'd only feel it once in a while. things started getting really bad recently when i came to see family. things just went so wrong there, lots of miscommunication and just bad vibes from at least one person each day, we haven’t been all together in a long while and i just couldn’t wait to leave i still don’t want to come back. my mom refers to that place as home because she grew up there and we used to visit every year so it makes sense but i was there for just a few days at a time. the only connection i had to that place was maybe christmas and my extended family. it doesn’t help that that place is starting to turn into the city but with the usual mentality of people in rural areas. i know i sound like such a city girl but i'm a vegetarian and environmentalist who happens to be mentally ill. people simply don’t understand me there. i know they try because they love me because i'm family but i just hate that place and the way it makes me feel. my mother literally went to college to a faraway city because she hated it so much when she was younger. i don’t know where i'm going with this. point is that's when i started feeling worse. it doesn’t help that my hormones mess me up real bad before my period. i don’t remember exactly when but at some point it was the middle of the night and i was alone in the kitchen. i took a knife and held it against my arm wondering if it would kill me then i thought of slitting my throat. maybe i didn’t do it because i was scared but i was also thinking about how traumatized my mother and anyone else who saw me would be if they saw my corpse in a pool of blood in the morning. i may be suicidal but i don’t want anyone to suffer because of my actions. i started wishing for natural disasters to take my life like an earthquake so strong, the second floor would collapse and break my neck. i imagined hanging myself on the railings. i wanted to fall down the stairs for the third time but this time i wanted to break my neck or my skull open. at some point i also gathered all the pills in the house trying to come up with a deadly combination, thinking of mixing it with alcohol to make sure i die. there are too many failed suicide attempts from overdosing and i didn’t want to be one of them. there was no way i was ending up in a psych ward. but right now, i'm not thinking of doing those things. i just want to disappear.