soph-villa

[soph-villa]

Why does it have to feel like you..

You feel like summer nights

A chill and warmth at the same time

You feel like the way a breeze encompasses you

Then rattles dead leaves off their trees in the same breath

You feel like how a storm rolls in

And cleans off the world of the pain she has gone through

Along with the fallen branches and clipped wires its winds bring with it

You feel like first love

And the fireworks it’s paired with

The same kind of fireworks that burn hands and start fires

Yet, somehow,

You still feel like understanding and compassion

Like hugs through hoodies

And kisses through conversation

You feel like 2am

And the emotions that flood my mind then.

You feel like the great moon

And the calmness her blue light sheds on the Earth.

Yet the overwhelming umbra the sky displays brings memories of you too.

With how the stars are positioned tonight,

I can almost make out your face.

[soph-villa]

How am I supposed to continue

With your speech patterns burned on my tounge

And your name branded into my brain.

I see you in me.

[soph-villa]

I have quickly realized the muscles remember.

They remember when it's cold out.

And I rummage through my drawers for a hoodie to throw on, my hand instinctually goes for yours.

The heart is a muscle too.

And mine remembers you fondly with roses and scars

[soph-villa]

You want me to be considerate? You want me to consider everyone else’s feelings? Where were you with your hero complex when I was crying into my pillow every night because my father made me feel like I didn’t belong in my own household? Where were you when he ignored me every single day? Where was your consideration for feelings when he was calling me a disappointment and telling me how my interests don’t matter unless they please him? Where were you when the only way i could release my emotions was slicing into my own skin to feel the pain? Where was anyone? People love to talk about consideration and making sure everyone you love is always alright. But where were all of you when I was almost done with living because my own family disregarded me? You weren’t there. So don’t confuse my apathy for rudeness. I simply can not deal with the hypocrisy.

[soph-villa]

Now I know why me and my mom are the same. People always ask us the same thing. Give more. Like we havent given all of ourselves already.

[soph-villa]

Once you’ve been hurt…

[soph-villa]

Day 9:

My family is falling apart and I can't talk to anyone about it

[soph-villa]

[soph-villa]

Day 7:

It's funny how easily I'll throw away my own hurt when people need me. I wonder where that comes from.

Tonight's one of those nights I cant sleep. Its one of those nights back in the day when i would have called you up to fall asleep with me. Guess I just wont sleep.

[soph-villa]

I'm so angry at myself at the universe at everything. Because it wasnt supposed to be like this. I want to scream at the sky and ask it "why did it want to break something so beautiful."

I never want to feel this type of love for anyone else. I know that's naive but jesus christ this hurts so bad that it doesnt feel right. I know sometimes the right decision can be the hardest, but is it supposed to be my-eyes-sting-from-crying hard? Non stop thinking of you hard? Not having motivation for anything I want to do hard? Worrying my friends and family hard? It's only been a week but it feels like I was just talking to you yesterday. I don't think I'm supposed to feel this broken. I am despondent and I cant talk to the one person who would make me feel better. What kind of bs is this.

[soph-villa]

Day 6:

Today it was raining. I went outside and splayed myself out in the driveway and let the cold water hit my face. I wanted to wash away my feelings but it was only another thing that brought back more memories.

I remembered when we had just got out of the movies and didnt want to go home just yet. So we walked around in the rain under your umbrella. We talked about the meaning of art and why I am the way I am. And it was one of the best nights of my life.

Boy am I violently sad.

.

.

I miss you and this all feels so stupid and wrong.

[soph-villa]

Why would you want it to end? This story we find ourselves in, Running in circles on the side, Chasing each other, Hiding away from each other, Wishing we could become one together. 

How far have we come?  Too far if you’d ever ask me,  Or perhaps this all was pre-planned too,  Fate maybe, written in the stars? 

For it is an eternal love when they say,  “Till death do us apart!”

I’m a scattering mess,  Yearning for you,  Secretly wishing our stars meet again somehow. 

- DG

[soph-villa]

Day 5:

My mother has started to become angry at the fact that all I do is lay in bed all day. Because as usual, I'm never allowed to feel anything. Yet I feel everything and nothing all at once. I miss everything so much.

I'm changing what I want my superpower to be. I want to be able to go back in time. Back to when we were so in love we didnt know what to do with ourselves. My love for you is still that strong, but now I have no outlet for it. It just swims around inside me wondering what happened. I dont even know myself. I play back memories in my head all day long while I stare at the ceiling. It's the only way I'm not completely unraveling. It's amazing how many little details of how beautiful you are I have stored in here. Some I didn't even remember were there. I want to relive them over and over again until I die.

[soph-villa]

bathroom floor

Sometimes I curl myself up and just sit on my bathroom floor. Because its the only place you haven’t been. Any other room in this house is haunted by you and I can’t breathe there. So I sit on the bathroom floor just staring at the door. Your memories pounding on it, wanting to torture me with the false promise of your presence. I drown it out with the running faucet and focus on the creases in the tiles. Your ghosts aren’t in here. I can’t see you like on the couch with me on your lap. Or in the basement with me curled up in your arms Or out my window waiting for me on the curb. I dont feel your pull, like your wave from the bench in the park. Or your yell from the flowers telling me to look at how they’re beauty resembles mine. I can’t feel you on my stoop, hands on my waist and lips pressed into mine. I put blankets over my windows to block it out. It didn’t work. But you’re not on the bathroom floor with me. And for a moment I can breathe.

[soph-villa]

Day 4:

I wake up to the same cycle that every day brings. I start by feeling absolutely nothing. So much so it could be considered doing fine. Then it unexpectedly shifts to an overwhelming sadness that reddens my eyes, that no one can begin to console. Then back to the numbness. And over and over again. I sleep through most of the day. I eat a meal a day, if that.

Yet, I don’t hate you. It would be easier that way. If I could just blame you for everything and go on. But the truth is, I still love you more than I love myself, and I have regrets. I could not begin to become the person I am today without you, and I will be forever thankful for that. I love you the most a person could love another person, and it will be like that until the day I die. That is the one thing I am sure of.

I don’t hate you. I am disappointed that our love that once consumed our very beings didn’t become what the universe intended. Or at least become what I believed it would. But I don’t blame you. And I could never even begin hate you.

[soph-villa]

Day 3:

Paralysis.

[soph-villa]

Day 2:

I see now. Everything was gone way before I left. Everything is now so painfully obvious. While I cant pull myself out of my bed or eat. While I cant draw, cant write and cant speak. The world keeps turning. I obviously need to pull myself together. I cant allow myself to be this weak. Memories are the luxuries of the frail.