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9 years later... I’m back

I feel like 17 year old me really made this blog for 27 year old me to find it someday.... and damn, i’m grateful for that.

I read all this old posts and while so many things have happened since then, my life today is almost no different to how it was when i wrote all my feelings in here... like, who would’ve thought I would be in the same place I was back then? I feel like despite being older, I’m definitely not wiser.

The world has changed so much since then... MY WORLD has changed...

I like to call my blog persona “Chiaki”, because when Chiaki wrote and drew all his mangas, he used a nickname (Yoshikawa Chiharu) despite being his true honest work. I see the nickname thing as a way to protect oneself and also, I really love Chiaki, i even have him as my avatar lol

Anyway, little “Chiaki” wrote in this blog about how worried she was about not being able to find a job back then... about being so tired of waiting doing nothing, about how uncertain the future was. 9 years later I am exactly in the same place... but i’m not a child anymore.

The future is so uncertain, so stressful to think about... maybe 36-37 year old me will find this blog again in the future and will be laughing at how worried I was right now... I hope she doesn’t relate to 17 year old or 27 year old me anymore...

I read some other posts too... and I saw I deleted a few that talked about my first love... the person who hurt me the most in this world.

I have been reminiscing about ALL my past relationships lately due to a fucking horrible hell of an experience that happened to me a month ago... with my almost “partner” but not really.... i just keep disappointing myself every time i meet a new man LMFAO but you know what? every single one of them taught me something, and it took me 8 years since I started dating to realize that I’m becoming such a strong woman.... maybe this is very Ariana Grande-ish of me but, they truly have made me stronger and right now i feel like the incredible HULK, no joke.... but the beauty of this is that every single heartbreak is just a step closer to meeting my true soulmate...

I’d love to talk more about love and relationships but i’ll do it on a separate post.

Finally, I’ve been thinking of going back to writing stories... but do people even read nowadays? fanfics were huge when i was a teen, now i don’t se people reading shit lmao but maybe i will.... i miss writing, it was like a catharsis for me...

If you made it this far, congrats.

It only gets better from here on...

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Hello after literally 9 years.... this is my proudest work EVER! So i thought I should reblog it in case someone here is lurking and wants to know a little bit more about my past.

This story.... i wouldn’t call it my masterpiece but i consider it my literal child. A child written by another child...

I wrote this at 17 years old, I had no idea what love was like or how romantic relationships were like, so i feel like this is very 순정한, very pure hearted. I miss the girl who wrote it but at the same time i know that things happen for a reason and that although i’m not pure hearted anymore, I can read this again and submerge myself in that beautiful world where pure selfless love exists....

Si quieren que traduzca esta historia al español denle like al post o manden un Ask.

“I am going to die.” "Everyone dies. And I don't care about that, we'll be together forever."

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I’m back after 2 years

So many things have happened... time to update y’all with my life (i’m sure everyone who followed me is dead or smth lol but i will update anyways)

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What a wonderful thought it is that some of the best days of our lives haven’t happened yet.

Unknown (via pureblyss)

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Day ONE

Okay so after being depressed ALL DAY LONG, i decided it's time to move on.

He will always be special to me and of course, I will always love him no matter what, but moving on is only the best thing to do for me and for my mental sanity right now.

I will start talking and meeting more koreans, and not only because I wanna have a new boyfriend that btw maybe wants to get serious with me but also because I need people to hang out with when i move to Korea. 

I will also start my own business now :) I am determined and happy I have a lot of ideas.

I will lose weight exercise and earn more money :D

GOOD LUCK TO ME!!

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nanarissara_b (original)

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I never let go

It has been such a long time since I wrote anything in here. Long story short, i packed my stuff and came to South Korea. Needless to say, this trip has changed my life in so many ways. I left as a naive, immature reckless girl. Now, i will return as a woman. A fully grown, mature and serious woman. Today is my last night here in Korea. I am deeply saddened for this because I don't want to leave. Although, not everything has been 100% perfect, i already feel like this place is my home. I actually was supposed to return last week but.... Life happened and i extended my stay.

[EDIT: DELETED REST OF THIS POST BECAUSE OF PERSONAL REASONS]

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sjadhkiajshdiqwkjaslkzjla

i want to sleep and i want to … i don’t even know. I’ll stop being stressed for meaningless shit. 

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My experience seeing Yixing in REAL LIFE

So I’m gonna tell this story from the very beginning.

I was in the metro to Apgujeong Rodeo and a random korean guy HIT ON ME? I was so shocked like WTFF but well he asked me where was I going and I told him, he asked me if he could come with me and um he seemed lame and not perverted so I said yes.

We got off the train and went through exit 3. I followed euphorias' directions to find the building but I got lost when I reached JYP. Anyways, we were walking through the alleys until the guy that was with me asked for directions. We finally got to the back of the building and could get to the front.

If it wasn’t because of him, maybe I wouldn’t have found the building ;~; LOL

Anyways I crossed the street and sat in a bench in the playground that is right in front of the building.

Read More

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Last Person That

Slept in your bed besides you? my best guy friend, but we weren’t in my bed, it was just… a bed Saw you cry? idk, my mum? well she didn’t really see me because i covered my face but she knew? ugh idk i never cry in front of others You went to the movies with? mum and best friends You went out to dinner with? mum? loool You talked on the phone to? some lady asking me to talk to my mum hahaha Made you laugh? i don’t even remember man…

Would You Rather

Pierce your nose or your tongue? i already pierced my tongue so um yeah i would do it again since my nose is ew Be serious or be funny? i’m kind of a mix of both Drink whole or skimmed milk? both but i prefer skimmed Die in a fire or drowning? how about none Spend time with your parents or enemies? obviously parents… i don’t think i have enemies maybe kim youngmin, SM’s CEO but in that case i would like to be next to him so i can kick him in the balls and make him eat my shit

Are You?

Simple or complicated? really complicated Straight, gay or bisexual? straight  Tall or short? average but i’m a bit shortish? Right handed or left handed? right A lover of music or a lover of books? hmm i really wish i could say both but i have serious concentration issues and i can’t concentrate in books for too long unless it’s really really good. But yeah, i love music a lot more.

Do You Prefer

Flowers or sweets? sweets Grey or black? black Colour photos or black-and-white photos? colour Sunrise or sunset? sunset M&Ms or Skittles? none Staying up late or waking up early? staying up late Sun or moon? moon Winter or Autumn? winter 10 acquaintances or 2 best friends? 2 best friends Rainy or sunny? rainy Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? chocolate why is this a question Vodka or Jack? what’s jack

About You

What time is it? 2:38 AM Name? askjhd Nicknames? Hun.  When is your birthday? may 15  What do you want? money and my hugest wish to be true How many kids do you want? two but i’m scared of giving birth lol What would you name a girl? i don’t want girls What would you name a boy? i already have my names chosen but i don’t wanna post them lol You want to get married? definitely

Unique

Nervous habits? lip biting, leg jiggling, knuckle cracking Are you double-jointed? i don’t think so? but i’m flexible so idk Can you roll your tongue? yes Can you raise one eyebrow? yes Can you cross your eyes? i think?

Random

Which shoe goes on first? i don’t really pay attention to that but maybe right? Ever thrown something at someone? yeah On average, how much money do you carry with you? $0 lol What jewelry do you wear? earrings and plastic bracelets Do you twirl or cut spaghetti? i slurp it Have you ever eaten Spam? yes Favourite ice cream? nutella, ferrero, mint with choco chips How many kinds of cereal are in your cupboard? none, i don’t eat cereal anymore.

Last

Alcoholic beverage? whiskey Car ride? 5 hours ago Song played? love love love by exo is playing in this exact moment Person you saw? mum Time you cried? on sunday… i cried 4 days in a row, i don’t think i’ve ever cried so much Fight? maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago

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find someone who knows you’re sad just by the change of tone in your voice

be with someone who loves the feature that you hate the most

fall inlove with someone who looks at you and knows they don’t want anyone else

R’J

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Stormy Weather....

Today was a bad day. I decided to write this because one day, when i am successful and happy and rich, i will look back and read this and think: "wow... I really have come a long way." The Au Pair thing is definitely not happening. I already gave up on this. And the reason why it won't happen is because it's been literally one year since it started and nothing has changed and also because of my nationality. I am a fluent english speaker, i am asian looking, i am well spoken and flexible. I would be the perfect candidate if it wasn't for one reason: i hold the nationality of a non-english speaking country. I guess that learning a language by yourself at the age of 8 doesn't count as a successful achievement. Well you know what? Fuck them! They weren't in my life map from the beginning, anyways. And you know why this is happening? Because i cannot make decisions by myself. I always need to ask someone's opinion and i base myself on them. This is happening because i am a fucking coward and because i listened to my fucking mother instead of following my heart, and the consequences of that is that i already lost ONE YEAR OF MY LIFE, in which i could have learnt perfect korean and my life would be really different today, but no because the coward little bitch needs her mummy's approval and advice for every single thing she decides to do. The worst part is that nobody believes in me. Nobody understands me. Nobody helps me. No, giving out money isn't really helping, that is just a way to say, "do something and stop whining little bitch". They are all blaming ME because i haven't gone to china. Oh boy, if that shit was up to me i would be gone since last year! I wouldn't be here today complaining and thinking about committing horrible and dirty suicide. But newsflash cunts: This isn't really up to me. "Why don't you do something with your life and be like the other girls and boys?" Maybe because i'm not? Maybe because you are always whining and barking about money and i actually care about it? Well if i didn't care about your financial troubles i would probably be living in japan right now and be a rich hostess from a host club without even giving a shit if you can afford it or not. But well i can't even tell you what are my dreams and hopes for the future because you are all unsupportive little bitches. One day when i am successful and believe me it will happen within 5 years from now, you will all be looking back and regretting all the shit you have said to me. You will be begging me to pay attention to you and you will be begging me to forgive you for not believing in me. You are all in my list now. So yeah, my mum barked at me today and in fewer words she told me i am a lazy ass cunt that is going nowhere with her life and doing nothing and well, i am practically a fucking burden. I cried. I was so ashamed because i don't cry. I never cry. Not in front of someone else. Never. That was really low of me, and i hate myself for doing it. I was so fucking angry and sad all day and locked myself in my room. I am having an existential crisis right now but then, after almost 4 hours of mourning and whining and hating my life and wanting to suicide, i just decided to take a deep breath and be optimistic...

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It was 730 days ago when my life officially changed.

  I was facing depression and anxiety, and on top of that, bullying was a part of my every day life, but when they came everything changed. I finally felt like there was something to live for.

That hard work pays off, that there’s nothing wrong with having dreams.

  That ALL dreams come true.

  Each and every one of them has taught me something different. I’ve got to know them a lot more, and every time I feel like I already know everything about them, they surprise me showing me a new side of their personalities.

They are now a part of me. No matter what happens, what music I stop or start listening, they will always be there. And that won’t ever change.

  Thanks for changing my life, boys.

  HAPPY 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY EXO!!

  사랑하자!!

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Au Pair....

hahaha....

So yeah...  Au Pair = Nanny in a foreign country

I was this close to give up on it but... I remembered that this is an opportunity for me to experiment by myself and travel without even bothering on what i'm going to eat tomorrow or where i'm going to sleep.

I am up for this.

I am definitely scared, not going to lie.

Moving to a different country with a different family, in a new house, with a child you have to look after and without even speaking their native language. 

Of course i'm scared and nervous.

But at least I'll learn a new language and make some money.

So yes, I made an Au Pair experience blog but I haven't written anything yet.

I will be soon. Stay tuned if you want to know more :)

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So, I watched Sherlock for the first time last night and nOW I'M A FAN OMFG

WHY DID I TOOK SO LONG TO WATCH I CAN'T EVEN SDKJHASJFS

I LOVE IT  AND I USED TO HATE BENEDICT BUT WTF HE IS HOT LIKE OMG

I LOVE HIM NOW AND I NEED TO MARRY HIM AND NOW

I SHIP sHERLOCK AND J OHN LIKE SO HARD OMF G ALL THOSE

INNUENDOS MAKE ME CRY LIKE OMFG GOODBYE WORLD

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A lot of people stopped being a "fan" when MAMA promotions ended and they didn't made a comeback for 13 months, but I didn't. I stayed.

And after a long while, I'm still here.

And that's because even obsessions need a little time to rest. What kept me sane during those 13 months was finding other small distractions and even more obsessions!

Back then it was movies, Thomas Sangster and my favourite music EVER: rock. 

This year is even more movies, and rock again! This time is Queen, and my new guitar.

I miss EXO like crazy, I'm not gonna lie, but I think that this Vacation from them is needed as well :)

Remember that when you exceed yourself with one thing, whatever it is, it's bad. And excesses are limitations.

It's good to give oneself a break every once in a while, that makes the rocking world go round.

Like fat bottomed girls. Ignore the Queen reference please.

Anyways, I just want to say that I can't even. I can't go on like this missing EXO and ksdjaznskjd so i'm finding more things to occupy my mind while they are getting ready for their comeback.

And yes, I think this will keep me sane in the meantime. 

Although, I'm a bit disappointed with Tumblr.

When EXO just debuted, all the news and important stuff was here before anywhere else.

Now there is NOTHING. The only thing you find is lame edits.

WHERE DID THE CRAZY TOP SECRET AGENTS WENT TO?

THE TRANSLATORS?

EVERYONE?

This is why I'm starting to hate tumblr. I have to hurry up and learn proper korean so I can stalk Naver instead of waiting for someone to post news here because that won't ever happen.

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Dear Love of My Life...

Do you think it’s possible to love “yourself” a little too much? 

So much it hurts and brings you to the verge of tears? 

Too much you wish you could give up on “your own” life just to get “your other self” back??

Or maybe is just physical attraction.

No. I refuse.

Impossible.

I’m attracted to the man underneath. 

The one that hides under layers of makeup.

The one that is shy.

The genius.

The virtuoso.

The Magnificent. 

You. Him. Me. Us.

That, I love.

Or maybe not. 

The word “Love” does not make justice to what’s inside my heart,

when I hear your voice, see your face and hear you speak.

And somehow, I feel this. It’s not normal.

I feel a connection. 

Not fraternal.... not even as a soulmate.

Or... maybe yes.

Our soul is one.

We share the same soul.

I know it. I know it deep inside.

I know my old body. 

However, it was not my late body.

But that doesn’t really matter anymore.

I know what I saw. Who I met. How I feel about them.

About her, and him, and everyone else.

A soul molds. 

Ours evolved. 

Learnt from past mistakes and now feels different.

But at the same time, nothing has changed.

Everything remains.

The real “me” remains.

Oh, Love of My Life,

I guess we know the score.

I know the person behind the curtain.

I know his pain. 

I don’t feel it, but I know it.

My heart shatters. I don’t want to remember anymore.

Another heartache.

Another dream.

Another love. 

Another soulmate.

But inside, deep inside.

In the dark, it aches to be free.

Once more.

Like the fireflies.

Short lived, only seen in the dark.

But still shining bright until their very last breath.

We’re the phoenix.

We’re born from the burnt ashes.

We pick up the good and the bad,

but only we choose what to use and what to discard.

Love of My Life, 

If this is real life,

And even if it’s just fantasy,

I’ll be waiting.

We’ll meet again.

Someday.

And we won’t need introduction.

Because we’ll find each other.

Once more.