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[somethingsyoushouldhear]

Putting in Writing

Kids, 

Today your mother offered a challenge in putting it in writing that we should live together. So I gave it to her,

Dear CW,

I don’t know when, I don’t know how, and I don’t know how exactly you will stumble upon this brilliant letter you made me construct. Of course, after a long day’s of engagement and excitement, I’ve found myself fumbling over the words to ask and, more importantly, how to ask them. I love you and you already knew that, but at this time and place of writing, I want you with me. I like me with you. Would you remove in, again? With the same equality and rights to living space and responsibilities?

In other words kids, I was telling your mom that I wanted her to move in and not leave forever, again, because of me, her, or someone else. Label it what you want or will. However, today while looking into her eyes, I had the same feelings of wanting to be by her side until the very end. Now the question is, will I get another chance? Because I never wanted our conversations to stop. 

Keep in mind, we were both struggling with a series of our own hurdles, issues, and dilemmas. More importantly, I believe we were finally getting closer, whatever closer means these days. But, no matter the struggle or issue, I’ll always be there for your mom, even when she doesn’t believe it. 

Are the quirks done repairing yet?

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

It was all a dream. ♟️🐴

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

I can’t help it. I can’t stop thinking about you and that’s okay. You walked in my life at the right time at the right place, doing the right thing. Now, I just can’t wait to continue the same. It feels so dark and lonely in the world, but finding you has been a wonderful joy that I can’t begin to describe. With love.

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

Day 6

Kids there is so much I could say, hence the blog, but the only two things that seemed to matter, was one, I love you, and two, can we be together for a long time? You see sometimes when you know, you know. It’s not what a person says or does, it’s just them and when your mother and I had the chance to look back at that when we were apart we did, at least I did. 

Essentially I had been very grateful and optimistic with her and in doing so, I had been able to find someone who can discuss common topics to me on a whim that are rather advanced and still practical. Someone who could sit outside and watch time go by because they enjoyed the air. But it was more like someone who showed me their town and I should them mine, introduced me to their family and I did as well, however, also going to a comic store with, exploring a town, grabbing a coffee, and finding solace on a road trip or even just sitting around,

I think about this trip we took to New Orleans, where we did almost everything in a half a day. I even did a painting on some photo’s taken during the trip and now, I just can’t help but reflect to think how wonderful a person you are. I’m convinced now that majority of trips are covert mushroom exploration operations, or at least they should be, commissioned by me. I think one of the main things about your mom was that she opened her heart to me and I did the same. 

Dangerous, but necessary in a relationship and I think it was the Renaissance fair was when I realized that I’d drop all my defenses oddly. But I miss you today a lot and now am starting to feel like I’m enduring your distance. I hope that it works well and you feel better. You have been a joy in my life.

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

I have a rose too, for when I let my love leave and I think after many years it’s come back.

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

Rose 1

Thank you for the wonderful flowers to brighten my day, kids, everyone deserves and loves flowers, don’t let them fool you. More importantly, we all have a life to live with the values we need to embody and follow, especially our own truths. Today is not that day for me to hold those values, but it is a day where I had to think large and close about my situation with your mother. But let’s not worry about that for now. 

Like any other day, I dove into work and boy did I discover some harsh truths about my self. In escapisms of absurd piles of work, emotions, and more, I was drowning in escapisms to avoid thinking but also thinking about how I got here and where I was going. The conclusions I came too was I had and needed to continue to grow, however possible. At the same time I wasn’t sure how to do that and if it was going to make me happy, because right about now I was pretty damn happy. 

It was just the day before your mother had given me 21 flowers, one for each day she was gone, but more importantly she broke down and explained how much she loved me. Without too much detail the week before, we had been not seeing eye to eye and I had started work, where I was a little stressed. But I had later on that week basically got mad at my love for not seeing the sacrifice I was making for her. The life I had given up for her, but I would also be faced to see the same sacrifices you are and had been making.

I’m sorry again, but I will always love you unconditionally and await your return these next few weeks. It’s hard, lonely, and something I am used to, but the hope and persistence I feel is something I only know. The feelings of warmth and bond when discussing life, simplicity, or complex situations are profound with you. And your lips mi amor, as graceful as your eyes. 

I gave something up as well, as you did cooking, well many things. But the one thing I loved that I gave up was Soccer believe it or not. It was for the same reasons as cooking with you, the fear of age, decay, pain, and suffering for a shot at being remembered for a short time. I remember giving it up to make a sacrifice for something else and that was school, because I could work my mind like a schedule for learning and not break my legs in the process. I loved soccer and I was good at it, I was really good. 

Between soccer and school, those are the longest things I have ever committed to in my life. Yet, I had to sacrifice one for the other to be who I am now. I guess I am comparing your past with mine in a sense, where I had to change my perspective from walking away from what I love to become, grow, and excel at something else, frankly learning. The point is that I still love the game, I just couldn’t perform or act in the way I needed to be great for life. But instead of taking it as failure, and I did for a long time, I had to reprogram myself into something different. 

As I watch How-I-Met-Your-Mother, I cried a bit and think about your love, the warmth of your body, and sweetness in your voice. Every noise outside makes me bat an ear for the door, searching for you. I cannot wait and am supercharged for your return. Pleased and happy to have rocket launches to think on. 

Whatever happens, in the next 20 days, happens. But I am thinking, reflecting, and determining my own scope for things as I said I would, but also, thinking of you, your life and how I can maximize it. I await your arrival, hopefully recharged, renewed, and relaxed to move forward together in life, like two dancers, certainly ready to tango. 

Kids, you love who you love in life, but for me, there is the one and that’s your mother, there is a time and place when you just know. Like on the couch working together, or at an event at a table, sometimes love just hits you like that. But be careful, because it’s fragile and doesn’t come around often. 

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

Thinking of you. Wherever you are. 🌴

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

Time Flies

Kids, now I know you have been following this adult rated story now about how I met your mother, but truth is, we had so much fun the last few months and grew together, I forgot to keep up with the blog. 

I think last time I spoke, Crystal and I were not really seeing each other and hating every minute of it. School started and then, everything changed like when the Fire nation attacked. But really, everything would lead up to late October. We will see why later.

But school had started and I was determined to find and woo Crystal into becoming mine as she had left to take care of her husband who had been severely hurt, realizing she loved me. It would get worse before it got better at FSW too, as I was in hot water for reasons still unclear to me. 

I was going to therapy once a week ordered by FSW and Crystal was struggling not being a part of my life once I had to leave campus. Other students, community members, and of course me, would do what we could to convince Crystal she should do what makes her happy. 

We were rocking though as you came into my side like a super hero as soon as I needed you. Picking up the slack for the clubs, keeping the students in-line at school, and working on a conference with me. 

As things got harder towards October, we both were at our limits and found strength in each other. You were still coming by and seeing me, we would laugh and enjoy each other, planning away at a future that seemed so far away. Having almost secret meeting at the Collaboratory and thinking about how we can just be better.

Prior to this we had attended a conference in St.Pete that would be enjoyable, charming, and test our compatibilities. It was the first time I drove you like for real, and I remember Elliott puked in the car. I used my shirt to clean it, as you scrambled to find a vape pen after cleaning it at the gas station because you weren’t feeling well yourself. 

That conference was amazing, the hotel was amazing, and being with you was amazing. Making decisions with you has been efficient, seeking solutions has been simple, and managing emotions has been easy as each day strikes us. I know that I put all my love in you that night and enjoyed every bit of Checkers. I also enjoyed learning with you and watching you work your magic for the free red team book or getting to tease you about Elliott wanting to dance with the exotic dancers. :)

I know that when we got back that you continued to search for hope at home, you had struggles, deciding to move back in with me, even bringing the cats. You settled them in 2 at a time, the second time asking for a divorce again, and having Jarret bring the cats over with you as I watched Elliott. 

My shoulder burns again recollecting the memories of how I have ended up happy in this moment, missing you as you visit a friend in Panama City, oddly enough also working Java programs. 

You keep asking about the puppy love and losing you, but I don’t know how to tell you that I’m here and in it. I keep saying it because it’s true, I want you. Only you, forever and always because the excitement is too good, the love is too pure, and results strung together by being together is something truly magical. 

If you ever thought my capacity to love you more couldn’t grow, I assure you that it has and will continue to if you let it. I think I’m healing with you as well, something from the desire to not be sick, or weak, or struggling for you. 

Kids, I think Crystal was ready to move in, especially over the last 6 months, yet despite this post only looking at a small part of what happened between August and September. Let me tell you this though, when you let a person in and your walls down, a beautiful thing happens that the rest of the world is missing out on, like a sweet innocence that is only found a few times in life between a few people. 

I’m happy with what we have now Crystal, some things need fixing, some things let go, and changes made, but for the most part, I just want to be with you and to continue down this crazy thing called life. 

I hate not having you here, or being around you, or getting to talk to you. I hate not having you here to call mine. I’ve asked you to be with me in a forever kind of way, and you said, yes just wait. But for the sake of the post, I must ask you again darling, but Mr. Stark, would you let me be your Pepper Potts and marry me? 

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

It’s been about 6 months since the last post!

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

Iced Coffee

You love me and I see that. I wanted to hug you and swing you as soon as I saw you behind the door. I didn’t want to see you go, it was so fucking hard, again. I can’t find the words to say to you, but I miss you so God Damn bad. My heart longs for you and every time I looked at you my exhausted face would stretch unconsciously because your my light. You were doing the same, we adore each other. 

I just want to be with you, talk more with you, and that sucks. These are the thoughts over and over again, wanting to know when, if there is a when, or what you think. I know you just want to say it, I’m coming back now, this hour, I’m packing, tomorrow, something. Hell, even just an I don’t know.

We both have so much going on and I am two feet in this because I trust you and I truly just want to be loyal with you. I am patiently waiting and I think you are too, but today you got me an Iced Coffee, so I wanted to write you this.

The point I think I wanted to make was like for me, despite the blend of emotions and problems, I can’t stop thinking about you. I am so proud of you and I want to see you flourish. 

Like I stand outside waiting for the minute you come back sometimes, not for too long. I miss you so fucking much it’s like I lost a friend, a family member, like my person, I’m sorry if this feels the same because I’m right here. 

I felt bad you got me something and I didn't get shit for you. I wrote this. Keep rocking the Green. I love you and remember, 

In brightest day, 

In blackest night, 

No evil shall escape our sight, 

Lest those who worship evil’s might, 

Beware the Power, Green Lantern's Light. 

If you’re feeling tired or lost a fight 

Try to turn your frown-around with that amazing might 

Then remember the strongest light can come within or above 

Like an angel is sending their love 

Providing the wisdom that Zelda would instill 

Or only the strength that a dwarf could drill 

Of course some courage like Link will gather your will

So our love may grow and form a powerful seal 

Good night darling I love you for real

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

Walk a Thousand Miles

Kids, it was the late summer of 2022 and I had found a love like no other that would open up wounds while forcing me to confront my worst demons. With a few weeks coming to the Fall semester, a great new subset of issues has become a problem for me. However, despite the obstacles of health. barriers of finance, and longing for stability, I was happy. I was comfortably uncomfortable in the uncertain, but more importantly, willing to accept change, responsibility, and recognize my own freedom. 

I’m in love and it hurts. I had opened up to who I couldn’t imagine anyone other than being your mother about how I felt and basically what I wanted. She was too. That is why I bring to you most certainly the probability we will be together and its not me willing into or some endless pursuit.

Kids, when two people have had enough in life and with life, sometimes they are on the same page about something like a fresh start. The kind of start that is strictly about personal growth and development, but frankly, your mom is struggling to leave a marriage. That’s rough, and I want nothing but to support her, even if we don’t end up together. Why? Because I value her, her being, and becoming. 

I never thought it would be easy, but it was. I never thought it would be simple, but has been, and I never thought we would just be so in love like a Nicholas Sparks book, or country music song. For me, it was never perfect, but perfect as we tried because we both want to protect the kid in us. While we also are independent to develop and have been in our own way. 

Kids, the secret to life is all about choices, because each choice we make, word we speak, and action we make create more choices for us. However, good, bad, neutral, that’s up to us and how we handle the next thing we do. Like we can never be a doctor without going to school. 

Which was where we met, officially. It was by the stairs, you snuck in there and sat down. Without notice, Al would introduce you and I would take notice of a beautiful women, with an outstanding mind, and exceptional heart. She would without notice, again, become my Ali. With a dislike for Java. kindness to software, and love for security. 

From there I took every note on you, how you moved, what you did, watched. I thought you were still performing operations. However, I admit I never cared. I took two steps forward and in one breathe to become the love of your life by showing you how wonderful we could be in our imperfections, thriving as a possible partner and parent. 

I had to adjust, often coming into work and making sure the lab was cleaned for you. I’d wait for hours and get excited to see you, waiting till my office hours were opened for you to trickle in. It started with you coming to club events, helping Muhammad with Python, but you would let me test how good you are. Which your skills are Godly. 

Needless, I would perform my own duties and open my hear to you, as a friend, and you would do the same. From the start your intentions seemed good, but like all love stories, they just kind of happen. You get to know somebody, ask enough questions, see their lives directions and decide if you want to be a part of it. 

You messaged me saying some stuff about not being fair to anyone and I argued. You’re self sabotaging because of the environment your in. I think back to each choice we made, we had fun, sat down a few times and talked about. Now, I don’t understand why your not making fair choices for yourself and being a pain in the ass. 

We told each other we want each other, you’ve told me the options and how it should all work. The only ticking bomb is the one your imposing on the world, because in 5, 10, 20 years from now you can’t see us in the life together in any capacity being happy, I’d call you crazy.

From the start, I wanted to feed you, your son, and share everything I can from knowledge to Legos. When you say your happy with me, safe with me, and secure, I don’t see where the problem of trust lies. That’s because that’s how it’s built, through virtue and that takes time to flourish. 

Regardless I hope you and generally everyone will be happy, find the little green lantern pin they have, and find the will to build the robots in the shadows of the future. Now I without a shadow of a doubt love you and that’s beautiful to me, so I’ll keep that. I thank you for that light, it was out for a long time. I hope you will let me light yours.

Here’s to the next 3 months because 6 days has been too long and I hope that there’s a family for me to watch over. Thank you for that hope. 

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

:)

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

I stopped looking back

Kids, I had entered a very odd time in my life where I was in conflicts that I never thought I would cross, or decisions that I had to make so quickly. I thought I was tired before and struggling, but now, I can’t help but write with a newfound anxiety at this hour. The reason being is that there’s someone who came into my life, or rather I came into theirs. 

I didn’t mean to, but I did. They didn’t intend too, but they did. Was it a fling? I don’t think so, we waited and waited. Stubbornly, we love each other like we were kids again. Right now I know that to be with this person, I have to keep making magic. The kind of magic that’s not real, but to this one person, it’s the difference that makes a difference.

My right shoulder burns from the typing and time on the computer, yet I am writing to complete a homework assignment and move onto ways to provide security for hopefully her and you kids. There’s only one way to tell and I want to find out.

But the magic, it was never real. It was just the two of us slowly and yet surely, creating this illusion to believe that we could or should be together through the happiness of the illusion. That’s what makes this person so special kids, because sometimes you meet someone that has nothing, yet gives you everything. 

Maybe it isn’t magic, but love. A warm feeling that brings a person home to be held, a plate filled with food, and space to keep them safe. I have so much to say and even more I want to do with you. 

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

Be Happy

Kids, life can be weird like I’m writing to you and about NIST access controls for dissertation research. I’m also trying to submit this homework and write to someone that I care about that they should move in with me. 

Crazy right? Here’s the thing, right now in 2022 the times and culture are different. People are acting in many ways, but now, my generation had the trouble of finding someone to be with and when an epidemic like Covid happens, we all made sacrifices. 

When it was over, many of us were willing to keep doing that until we found the thing that makes you happy. For me, I found it and I wanted to struggle more for longer to be with this person. That’s crazy considering what I had been through at this point, but when you have all those things happen and get up to face them, sometimes the possibility of staring and ending those same days with the thing that makes it worth it. The person or people that make you happy. 

My dad always said life’s too short. He was right. I also think that because of that, we have to take a lot of risk to really get the most out of it. Sometimes when we are younger we make mistakes, and as we age, we hopefully learn. Also in that shortness we have some instances that we can have support or help, that really can make a difference. The difference that makes a difference. 

There’s a lot of rules of things you should or shouldn’t do and that’s not always good. Sometimes life doesn’t play by the rules, so we can’t and in those times, we rebel. We say this is not who I am or want to be, but who I chose to be. That can be scary, again, that risk thing. The more risk the larger the reward. 

Now, we can be calculated, we can be strategic and play it safe. But even then we have to take some risk, why? Again it’s that shortness of life thing where we don’t get to decide how we get somewhere. It’s not dependent on anyone else, but us, the self, the person. 

When I started working at FSW, things fell into my lap, like big things that I didn’t know what to do with and I ran with. Now the biggest happiness that I could have ever imagined that is particular to me is knocking on my door? I told this person they made me happier and I longed for their companionship from more than anyone I had ever met. 

I have to stop writing because the night isn’t young and neither am I. 

[somethingsyoushouldhear]

Sick of Sitting at My House

Something always reminds me. Lately all I think of is you and I have been spending virtual time with you every minute I can. Being goofs, sharing perspective, and working together. I’ve loved every minute. That’s the kind of person you don’t want to lose in your life. The kind that does just that and can keep you up talking till the sun rises. These people are rare and come in all forms, but when you meet them you certainly never forget them. 

This was the case with you, and right now, I can’t help but wonder what you’re thinking as the chat tells me your typing. The anticipation alone makes my heart stop. I know what you say, but what do you mean and how more importantly, do you feel. How can we feel together? All I want to do now is be your purpose and to work together on commonality.

I can’t help but feel the same from you, from everything. After just a few days or hours of separation, I’m left here inseparable from a piece of technology to communicate with you. Your life’s work and mine are very similar in projects, but neither of us seem to care. We bond over it, often comes to me in a melody.

“Do you want to build a roboottt? or code our AI around a cloud? I think some kubernetes is overdue. I’ve even started 3D printing haptics” That’s Frozen for the non-Disney people.

Needless this May 25th I can’t help but tell you how much and how fast I have grown to care about this particular person. I wanted to share because you were right the other night at 2 AM. I did keep you waiting for a little too long by about a decade. 

Well, I’m here. I can be yours if you’ll have me and I think you will. I don’t know how or why, I just know how you make me feel. Like I said in the start, that’s rare, and for me, it’s not the talking, but the fact you and I seem to be happy. Like we just are, in each moment.

I wasn’t looking for anything and you probably weren’t either...lol, I didn’t knowww. Either way, the things and experiences in common are unreal and I long for your companionship. These endless nights and days are eternal in such a way that makes me grow impatient, yet hopeful. It’s a good impatience because it’s like every time that there's

a message

a notification

a join in zoom

an event

anything

I forgot everything and you somehow you become my whole world. I live a full life, but somehow we make time for each other. By the way this is the sentence on 5/3/2022 that did it for me:

“ But then you could say that there was an observer for the whole event. Because for all you know, the cat is already dead and you observed it's death, although not by viewing the cat itself. However, you did watch the box it was contained in. You could see the box shift box and forth as if something moves around. And you also watch the box lie silently on the platform, as if there was no life within it to begin with. As for bonds per atom, you also have to consider the quarks and which pairs are contributing to the bond. “ - You

“Yes the whole event, probably more than one. The cat's state wasn't important it was the fact it had the either or option based on radioactivity. What is this death, linear thinking has no room in science, nor motion because this is just the superposition. Yeah the quirks, fucking quirks, they were already bonded! So now you want to change Strong Forces, crazy talk. sdf kf;jkndsa\” - Me

It was at that moment that I realized you more that liked me and we had like developed our own language, we couldn’t focus any longer without flirting, going from existentialism to physics I believe. You really had me at Camus. That’s neither here nor there. 

To the reader, this probably seems like nothing, but to me at the right time on the right night with the right person, stupid little efforts like this make a difference and more importantly illustrates a friendship not found often anymore.