somessytbh

[somessytbh]

The Destiny Complex

It’s a 4:18 am and my uterus is raging. With its raging, I tend to be awake and thinking about life. I was thinking about how destiny makes us put up with mediocrity in relationships. Why this thinking all of a sudden?

We broke up. We just weren’t right for each other let me just leave it at that. I don’t know how I put up with it for so long but I know why. Destiny. That thing in movies that star-crossed lovers speak about. Of course, me and my millennial self would subscribe to that idea. Just because of certain coincidences I thought we were destined to be together. So many things seemed so right. But alas, too many things were wrong.

I thought our whole meeting was destiny. “ This would be a great love story” I thought. The first time I laid eyes on him I felt something. It was like i could feel our souls being tied together. He literally took my breath away. I thought it would be another one sided crush but he reciprocated, something that rarely happened. The fact that I wasn’t supposed to be in the country where he lived and I had changed my plans last minute made me think it was destiny. He was ticking all the right boxes….saying all the right things.

Now when I look back there were red flags from the jump. So many warning signs I ignored. Just driving on to our destiny. Nothing was going to stop me. Not my insecurities. Not the anxiety I felt. Not even when my anxiety triggered my depression. I was willing to take the lack of communication just because I thought we were destined to be together. That destiny thing will make you put up with too much bullshit. I’m glad I got out of that haze. I had our lives planned out but now I see how I was heading to a life that would ultimately put me in some mental institution.

I am a survivor of the Destiny Complex and I will be more vigilant. I deserve better. I know that now.

Sardonyx

[somessytbh]

Inadequacy and Long distance relationships

I've been feeling really down lately. In fact, I've been down from before my last 2 posts and I haven't recovered. I have been speaking to people about it just so they know where I'm at mentally. There's a lot of noise in my head right now and should the time comes where I want it to stop at least there would be a lead up. Let me get into why I decided to write today. I've been at this job for almost 2 years and I'm very unhappy. This place makes me feel so insecure like I can't do anything right. I feel like I'm always being watched and that people are discussing my short comings behind my back. That's why I make myself invisible. I don't speak to anyone. I come early in the morning and leave late so that no one will see me. The pay is OK and I'm grateful for the opportunity to be living in another country but I'm depressed. I should be positive and focus on the things I am doing right but I've always been a pessimist anyway. As for my "relationship", I have no clue what's going on. I think that I'm needy and I have to have constant stimulation or I'll start to think you don't want me. I have issues and I automatically think people don't like me or can't like me. He's going through a lot and I don't want to nag but a fundamental need of mine is not being filled. For this to work we need to communicate, which of late we haven't been doing much of. I've been calling and he hasn't been answering. He was the 1st person I wanted to tell about how I'm feeling. That's huge for me. I'm at the point where I don't want to call because I know I won't get him. I feel as though if he really wanted to speak to me he would. I feel as though I'm a bother to him. Couple that with how inadequate I feel, I'm an emotional mess. I would love to tell him all this but you know.....I can't get him on the phone. Life is good I can't complain. I mean I could but no one's listening. Sardonyx

[somessytbh]

Late night feels - trust issues edition

Yes. She's alive. I still have those feelings but I'm talking to people about them now. Let's see if this " talking about it" crap helps. If not, I will check myself into a mental institution cus wrists will be sliced ( morbid I know but I'm feeling a bit raw tonight). I don't trust easily. Never have. It takes a whole lot for me to trust people. Hell, I don't even trust my damn self. My gut is always telling me to second guess people and it's making me paranoid. I always think there is a catch or that I'm the butt of some joke. I have just started opening up to people but I still don't give them every single detail. I hate being vulnerable. I hate feeling that someone has information on me or has me believing in something that is fake. So why the sudden rush of distrust you ask? I am.....involved in a relationship of sorts. Well, very involved. At first I was skeptical but he has started to knock my walls down and I'm letting him. It feels really good and I really do like him but there's still something in my head that says "he's playing you girl.....runnnnnnn" and boy does your girl love to run. My distrust stems from my insecurities. It's pretty evident and I am self aware enough to admit that ( shout outs to my dad for lessons in emotional intelligence lol). We are long distance and I guess I may have a little reason to wonder what he's up to. He's really busy right now (his life is a bit crazy rn...everythings about to change) and I understand that he won't be able to make contact 24/7. Unfortunately, i Insecure Ida, need that constant stimulation or I'm going to think he's losing interest. We have gone days without talking. There have been times where we both don't text or call (because life is hectic yup I get it). There are also times when I do message or try to call and they go unanswered. Then he pops up days later with a "hey babe :)" . When we do talk he always has something to go do and he says he'll call me back (which he's rarely doing of late) or his battery is dying. He says he's been sleeping etc but I think something is amiss. Is there someone else? I mean these men nowadays think its nice to have many girls. Stringing them along....weaving a chain of lies. He says he's not that type and I believe him (kinda). Everyone says he's a good guy. Sometimes I feel like I'm not in a relationship though. I feel like we're just friends..... (I should probably have this convo with him smh ). Am I being paranoid? Do I have a reason too? Should I just relinquish all trust to him? All emotional consequences be damned? Self preservation is key. I am not emotionally stable enough to deal with heart break. I'm way too fragile right now. I'm going to breeze him for a little while. Too much of my brain power is going to this. I need a break. Sardonyx

[somessytbh]

Consider this my cry for help

Of late I have been thinking a lot of ways to end my life. Maybe if I was walk into the middle of this road. Maybe if I just jump in front of this train. Maybe if I take every pill in my medicine cabinet. Maybe if I hang myself. Maybe if I just run this knife across both my wrists. It’s really scaring me at the moment.

I’ve always had suicidal thoughts. It comes with being clinically depressed. I’ve had the urges be this strong before. I was 17. I remember the suicide notes I wrote. I was ready to be hung from the swing set in the backyard. I had the will to fight it. Something inside said “you have life ahead of you. You haven’t even started to live.” I picked up my broken self and pressed on. I graduated high school and university. I got my first job. I started to socialise more. I thought I was on the road to recovery. Down days were few and far between. I was going to be fine. Or so I thought. She came back with a vengeance and I can’t fight her now. The youthful strength I once had is gone. She’s overpowering my ability to reason. All rational thought have gone. I’m struggling.

I used to be able to fake the pain. People keep asking me what’s wrong? Why do you sound so sad? Where’s the smile? Why haven’t I heard from you in over a week? Where have you been? You don’t seem present, are you okay? I’m happy for life and I feel I have many things to do before I die. There’s a small spark in me that wants to become a fire. I’ve always been a fighter. I’ve always persevered. I’m a master at patience. Unfortunately the spark is dulled by the hopelessness, worthlessness and eternal sadness I have been feeling for the past 2 years. I’ve always thought I’d die young. Majority of that thought was death by my own hands.

I have never told anyone about the intense feelings I’ve had. My parents know I’ve had suicidal thoughts before. I have never gone into any detail to anyone. I think I want to live but she won’t let me have the will. She won’t let me be happy. She won’t let me feel. She won’t let me let go. She won’t leave me alone and I want to get better. So, consider this my cry for help.

Sardonyx

[somessytbh]

if u dont reply to my text within a minute im assuming u hate me and ill have an emotional breakdown

[somessytbh]

[somessytbh]

PSA: every nonblack person to call me ‘fam’ owes me $10 

[somessytbh]

Different types of color blindness demonstrated

[somessytbh]

[somessytbh]

Here’s my favorite vine meme of all time, gone too soon.

[somessytbh]

Why so *cough* serious *cough*?

Once I’m here you know I’m going through something. I really do think I am rubbish at handling emotions. I am rubbish at trusting people ( though I don’t think that’s such a bad thing). I have been writing about the never ending crush saga since I left university ( I should post all of my phone blogs here; they are the right balance of very depressing and quirky….my aesthetic). Let me just get on with it because this is going to be LONG.

Stop the presses……there is actually a guy.

WHHHHHHAAAAAT?

Let’s call him Trent (because Trini Trent and he’s Trinidadian too….idk if he’s gay….). I like him a lot and more than I care to (more than I have ever liked someone to date). Shock horror….he likes me back. Things are happening for me and I should be happy. I like a guy….he likes me back. We have expressed our feeling for one another. You know that never happens. I’m deathly afraid of rejection so I will like someone and hide in the corner and stalk them hoping they may realize I do while I'm on their facebook profile and liking all their pictures. He’s making me do things which I would never do. I can feel that he’s different from the other guys…. I know it but my walls are coming up and I can’t stop them from being built.

I don’t trust him.

So far he has given me no reason to not trust him (well…it’s been a week so I’m right to keep him at arms length). He’s been really sweet but I just feel like this is all too good to be true. Am I the subject of some cruel prank? Is he playing with me because I look like an easy target? Am I a cover for the person he’s really into and he wants to make them jealous? Is he really a Nigerian scammer?  All these questions zooming around my brain and it is exhausting. I want to trust him but I feel that something is off. I know it is probably my own insecurities why I am coming up with every reason not to trust him. I want to give him a chance but I am scared….so scared.

I don’t do vulnerable

While some may find it easy to open up to others about what they are feeling….I am not one of those people. I have never been and I don’t think I’ll ever be. I have be told I’m always emotionally distant and it makes it hard for people who like me to get to know me. I trust no-one with my inner most thoughts. Some of them are so dark they scare me and I feel like I’d be a burden to unload all these years of emotional turmoil in my head piece (I should’ve start unloading at 15 and maybe I’d be normal). Vulnerability shows up your weaknesses and I’d be damned if I ever show ANYONE my weaknesses.

Can’t he do better than me?

The question that plagues me every time I get into this situation. The question that causes me to slowly distance myself from the person. I’m an insecure little shit. Most days I hate my face and my body. I mean there are thousands of beautiful women where he is…I have seen them. I would want them over me so why does he like ME? I don’t have a great personality…I’m quite boring and my looks are a solid 4 out of 20..how could anyone like me?  Which is why I keep my feelings to my self….because it sets me back to my teenage years when I was so insecure it stop me from doing everything.

You don’t deserve to be happy

I have no clue why I feel this. No clue. I will tell my friends they deserve to be happy but when it comes to me….I will run away from happiness. Full on Usain Bolt sprinting away from anything that may remotely make me happy. I really didn’t think I would be alive this long. The sadness I felt has pushed me to write many a suicide note with attempts to cut my vein open and bleed out to relieve myself from the pain I felt. I want so desperately to be happy but I am terrified that the source of my happiness will leave me and I will be back in that dark place and I can’t go through that again. I’m not strong enough to come back from it.

I don’t know if he will be the one to get me out of my head or he’ll be pushed away like the others and stay pushed. I know this is my battle to fight and I can’t count on anyone to fix me. For now, I know I really like him and that’s that.

Sardonyx

[somessytbh]

The Ultimatum

In December I'll be leaving the arctic tundra of London to venture back to my little island in the Caribbean Sea. I'm excited to see my family, feel the sun, eat AWL the food and just chill out.

On informing my aunt I was coming back home, she said something to me. I know she meant no harm and bless her but it struck a chord.

-July something 2016 at a lot o' clock pm-

"So you aren't dating? Well, you have until December to find a man."

The screeching breaks that went off in my head was deafening. I managed to let out a small chuckle hoping she wouldn't pick up on my discomfort. I started contemplating my "singletude" at that moment. Now that I had a deadline, it finally punched me in the face.

I have always been in my own little world. I tend to be oblivious to whatever is going on around me. I started noticing boys when everybody else did (I'll never forget my 1st crush; EVAR). When I was around 17 something changed. I went into my little bubble and it took me 6 years to fully come out (-insert eye emoji-). I haven't actually pin pointed what made me shut that door but I will eventually. I was in my bubble just silently crushing and spending my time on the interwebs. Eyes glued to fanfiction. Getting my 'feelz' from ships.I just remember sticking my head out and people were pairing up; in real life (wheeeeet?). People had already identified the qualities they wanted in a partner (huh????). I was patting myself on the back for learning how to balance 20 tv shows and school and people were out here falling in love (FOR REAL) and ishhh. Suddenly I had an ache for that kind of companionship.

I know I don't HAVE to find a man by December because I'm a grown woman and I can do whatever I want. I am just actively keeping an eye out for potential partners now. I mean, I'm extremely awkward but who isn't nowadays.

Ok. I got work to do so byeeeeee.

Sardonyx

[somessytbh]

Girl if you don't get.....

I tell you I am rarely angry. It takes a whole lot to get me even one-eighth upset. I'm the type to realize that hey this is situation has the potential to make me angry and I will remove myself from the situation and cool off usually while trying to joke around to restore my peace and calm and the crazy fun loving personality people seem to like.

I have serious rage issues and no one can manage me angry. When I see red, that is it. The apocalypse might as well come because I'll be a raging storm. The thing is that because I am quiet and introverted, people think they can take the piss with me. That I will just take their shit and curl into a ball. Lol. Wrong. While I am quiet and unassuming, I am no pushover.

I used to suppress my anger a lot growing up. In my household, anger was not an emotion that we were allowed to express (unless you wanted to get beaten down by the staff that the Lord sposta be using to comfort you beside them still waters). I have no idea how to process anger (or any emotion tbqh) so once I do get angry, all that pre-suppressed anger comes out. Caution: Contents under pressure, may burst randomly.

People have been upsetting me a lot of late and I just needed to write down my thoughts and calm myself down before someone catches these hands.

Sardonyx

[somessytbh]

Inconsistency Syndrome

So I told you I'm really bad at sticking to things. I think I tried to write once before but I didn't post it (it must have been really depressing). Well here's the update! The Weather- WE HAVE ENTERED THE DOUBLE DIGITS! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! Gone are the extremely frigid temperatures! I'm now wearing 3 layers instead of 5! A step in the right direction! The sun is actually hot y'all. The. Sun. Is. Hot. *HIGH PITCH SHRIEK* SPRING HAS SPRUNG!! My Job a.k.a the reason for the tears I cry behind these hazel eyes Can I sum this up in one sentence? How about "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!"? I'm happy because I get that cheque yano but is it worth my mental health???????? SAVE ME BARRY!!!! I feel over worked. This job gives me so much anxiety. How is it that I have one more week of holidays but I'm anxious about the fact that this time next week I'll be back at work? It's not good for me. It really isn't. #cutmycheque #chaching The never ending crush saga- So I'm almost into my mid twenties. I'm a real grandma tbh. Am I told old to be having crushes and avoiding them like some damn preteen? (asking for a friend 😩). Probably! Dangerously awkward or not I should be able to walk up to the person I like and say "Can I sit on your face pls". Ok ok so I won't be that direct (unless I'm drunk or saahm). Of course I know nothing about this guy and my many attempts to stalk him online have failed. He could be married or he could be gay idk! I just want him to be the end of the never ending crush saga! #teamtellhimhowyoufeel Health- I've gained 10 pounds since I've been here. OMO! Yes. 10. Dix. Diez. How? One too many visits to the chicken shop! Here's the thing though. My butt looks good but everywhere else is yuck! I've always wanted a big butt though! I know that I have issues with my body and if I get any bigger I'll be thrown back to 2009 me with all that depression stuff. I don't need to go back to that. My social anxiety- This has gotten better. ROUND OF APPLAUSE! I still have a lot to do though. I've been going out of comfort zone a lot lately. TV show addiction- Yes. I am still an addict. It's late and I'm still recovering from the flu so I should go to bed. I'll try to write again soon! Hopefully about my bae who doesn't know he's my bae.....yet😍 Sardonyx 😀 *I'm posting this without checking grammar and spelling CUS IM TIRED*

[somessytbh]

[somessytbh]

proof of all 9 of my abs… 4 the haters that said i couldn’t do it……..

[somessytbh]

Cold like my soul

Twice in one day? Trust me, this will probably never happen again.I just need to state my regret for coming to the North Pole. It’s VERY cold and I miss the sun. Well, the sun can still be out when it’s 3 degrees Celsius. I miss the heat. HEAT OH THE HEAT OF THE SUN WHERE ART THOU?!? It’s -1 degree and I’m freezing because my heater keeps calling it quits. Ugh. Tomorrow is Monday and I have work. I have no idea where this post is going.

Bye

Sardonyx