somesadguysdiary

[somesadguysdiary]

Holy fuck that was a long one lmao.

10:55 PM GMT, Sunday 24th March 2024

I realise I completely forgot about this for most of the month, but eh, I warned that I would.

Anyway, I'm only posting because I feel like I've just had an epiphany.

One of my new friends (not mentioned in the freinds post) recently put me onto a web comic and after reading episode 103-104 I realised something. I realised where a lot of my feelings of inadequacy come from.

Growing up, a lot of the things I liked to do or wanted to be good at were restricted or discouraged. Playing video games? Limited to 2 hours a day and I barely get that. Singing? Too girly, not allowed to continue. Sports? I was too fat so I wasn't allowed to play with the other kids. Music? Too loud when I practice so I have to stop. Baking? I'm banned from cooking in the kitchen because "I leave it in a big mess". Drawing? Not as important as studying. Being good at doing others' makeup? Also way too girly. Chess? My step granddad was better than me so I was discouraged. Acting? Deemed a waste of time.

Anything I took interest in, I wasn't able to fully develop or do at all, so I ended up with a barely surface level understanding of lots of things. Meanwhile, all of my friends were able to fully explore what they wanted and developed their skills as a result. All of my music freinds? Better than me. All of my theatre friends? Better than me, etc, etc.

Die to not being able to develop any skills in things I liked, I ended up being surrounded by people who were better than me at anything i tried, and it felt bad. It still feels horrible. Couple that with academic gifted kid syndrome and not having many friends, if any at all, you get a big ball of unresolved inner turmoil, self doubt, shame and self hatred. I hate that I can't do as much as anyone around me. I hate that whenever I say I can do something, there's always a freind that can do it better and then I look like I was arrogant by saying I was good at that thing. I don't hate my freinds, I hate me.

So now I'm stuck with the feeling that I can't do anything right, so I don't try anymore. I just give up as soon as there's any difficulty because that means I can't do it.

And whenever people try and console me about it I refuse that they're correct. I've heard it all before and it hasn't worked. Not because the advice doesn't work but because I won't let it. I push people away when they offer me help and then when I tell them to leave, they leave, when I really did want help, I really did want to be better. But I keep being too stupid and pigheaded that I don't let them, and then they get annoyed and leave. Because of me.

I mean hell, the only reason I started this blog is because I don't have anyone to voice these concerns to and if I do, I don't want to bother them or bring down their mood. I made this whole post about needing or wanting help and I can't even ask for it.

God I'm useless.

Or not...

Actually yeah, that's a good point.

I can just use this blog to help with that issue.

I can use this to congratulate myself or whatever whenever I do something good, like asking for help or stopping being so useless. This way I can work on that and push less people away.

I just need to clear my mind, and look at this from another perspective. I need to stop blaming other people and I need to stop making excuses for myself.

If I work on it bit by bit, then maybe I can come out of this on the other side as someone who is actually happy with who they are!

Idk where to start though.

I guess I could start by hanging out with my freinds more? Or maybe I can tell them about the things I thought about in this post? I could even try out getting better at something gradually, like baking, though it is expensive... I mean I could try practicing the drums- or both!

I would have to do this behind my step dad's back though, considering he's the one that banned me from using the kitchen.😑

Anyway, this post turned out to be more therapeutic than anything, thank you for reading my self hating, weirdly self-insuring post! And if no one but me reads this, at least I voiced these feelings rather than containing them- HOLY SHIT THAT'S WHERE I'LL START.

I CAN START BY USING THIS TO VOICE OPINIONS AND FEELINGS SO IM USED TO EXPRESSING THEM.

Anyways, BYYYEEEE.

-Some Sad Guy (SSG)

11:20 PM GMT, Sunday 24th March 2024

[somesadguysdiary]

10:55 PM GMT, Sunday 24th March 2024

I realise I completely forgot about this for most of the month, but eh, I warned that I would.

Anyway, I'm only posting because I feel like I've just had an epiphany.

One of my new friends (not mentioned in the freinds post) recently put me onto a web comic and after reading episode 103-104 I realised something. I realised where a lot of my feelings of inadequacy come from.

Growing up, a lot of the things I liked to do or wanted to be good at were restricted or discouraged. Playing video games? Limited to 2 hours a day and I barely get that. Singing? Too girly, not allowed to continue. Sports? I was too fat so I wasn't allowed to play with the other kids. Music? Too loud when I practice so I have to stop. Baking? I'm banned from cooking in the kitchen because "I leave it in a big mess". Drawing? Not as important as studying. Being good at doing others' makeup? Also way too girly. Chess? My step granddad was better than me so I was discouraged. Acting? Deemed a waste of time.

Anything I took interest in, I wasn't able to fully develop or do at all, so I ended up with a barely surface level understanding of lots of things. Meanwhile, all of my friends were able to fully explore what they wanted and developed their skills as a result. All of my music freinds? Better than me. All of my theatre friends? Better than me, etc, etc.

Die to not being able to develop any skills in things I liked, I ended up being surrounded by people who were better than me at anything i tried, and it felt bad. It still feels horrible. Couple that with academic gifted kid syndrome and not having many friends, if any at all, you get a big ball of unresolved inner turmoil, self doubt, shame and self hatred. I hate that I can't do as much as anyone around me. I hate that whenever I say I can do something, there's always a freind that can do it better and then I look like I was arrogant by saying I was good at that thing. I don't hate my freinds, I hate me.

So now I'm stuck with the feeling that I can't do anything right, so I don't try anymore. I just give up as soon as there's any difficulty because that means I can't do it.

And whenever people try and console me about it I refuse that they're correct. I've heard it all before and it hasn't worked. Not because the advice doesn't work but because I won't let it. I push people away when they offer me help and then when I tell them to leave, they leave, when I really did want help, I really did want to be better. But I keep being too stupid and pigheaded that I don't let them, and then they get annoyed and leave. Because of me.

I mean hell, the only reason I started this blog is because I don't have anyone to voice these concerns to and if I do, I don't want to bother them or bring down their mood. I made this whole post about needing or wanting help and I can't even ask for it.

God I'm useless.

Or not...

Actually yeah, that's a good point.

I can just use this blog to help with that issue.

I can use this to congratulate myself or whatever whenever I do something good, like asking for help or stopping being so useless. This way I can work on that and push less people away.

I just need to clear my mind, and look at this from another perspective. I need to stop blaming other people and I need to stop making excuses for myself.

If I work on it bit by bit, then maybe I can come out of this on the other side as someone who is actually happy with who they are!

Idk where to start though.

I guess I could start by hanging out with my freinds more? Or maybe I can tell them about the things I thought about in this post? I could even try out getting better at something gradually, like baking, though it is expensive... I mean I could try practicing the drums- or both!

I would have to do this behind my step dad's back though, considering he's the one that banned me from using the kitchen.😑

Anyway, this post turned out to be more therapeutic than anything, thank you for reading my self hating, weirdly self-insuring post! And if no one but me reads this, at least I voiced these feelings rather than containing them- HOLY SHIT THAT'S WHERE I'LL START.

I CAN START BY USING THIS TO VOICE OPINIONS AND FEELINGS SO IM USED TO EXPRESSING THEM.

Anyways, BYYYEEEE.

-Some Sad Guy (SSG)

11:20 PM GMT, Sunday 24th March 2024

[somesadguysdiary]

guys holy crap look what I just found

THE FREAKING TRANSITION IM ON THE FLOOR

[somesadguysdiary]

3:22 AM GMT, Monday 11th March 2024

Stap in and strap on, folks, cus it's time for the cast of my life, separated into groups for your convenience! Some people may apply to more than one group but I'm just gonna put em in the group I most associate them with and then put em in brackets in any other group. Bit without further ado, HERE WE GO:

Lunch group: The group of friends I've been with the longest, and I almost always have lunch with them. (We are all special lmao)

AC, They/Them, Ace: chaotic and snappy

RW, She/They, Pan: friendly and... Tries their best

RM, She/Her, Bi: goth, insanely pretty but denies it and is down TREMENDOUS for various fictional men

LW, She/Her, straight(?): very quiet, very mature, insanely smart and so done with all of our shit

MD, He/Him, Bi(?): the only other person on the half of the group that isn't down bad for fictional men, idk too much else ABT him actually...

Party group: A very musically inclined group that I frequently have parties with (also named like this to avoid later confusion) Some of them are in a band

MF, He/Him, prefers no labels: Is actually unironically clinically insane, but we love him for it and he's just a chill dude with a bunch of the same interests as me

JD, He/Him, Bi: The lead guitarist and singer. The most musically talented fucker we all know and yet he denies it, is super cool and also down to do pretty much anything he might find fun (also kind to a fault, like an actual flaw he has is that he is too nice)

LA, She/Her, Bi: Emo, theatre kid and is cold and snappy on the outside, but is chill and understanding on the inside

AA, He/Him, Straight: The rhythm guitarist. rich parents, plays the guitar

IB, She/Her, Bi: is basically with AA all the time and gives off similar vibes (yeah idk how to describe these 2)

RP, He/Him, Straight: The bassist. Very chaotic and unaware of social cues. Like in a "will speak his thought process aloud while thinking it" kinda way

DH, He/Him, straight(?): The drummer. Really chill, a gamer (the good kind), has some kind of disability I can't remember the name of that makes his legs weaker or smn

Music enhance group: I took my colleges equivalent of a musical elective (kinda like an extra, once a week class) and we all just kinda vibed together

AD, She/Her, gay: the nerdiest one in the group, enough to rival me, and is super chill and likes to do art, play music and bake

RH, She/Her, Bi: Massive music nerd and just a really fun person to hang around with

FD, She/Her, Bi: the person I'm least close to in the group, but I can tell she's p cool

HR, She/Her, Ace: massive musical theatre nerd and just nerd in general, also insanely chaotic.

(JD is also here)

Misc. Friends: friends that either don't fit into a group above or a part of too small of a group for me to list above

DP, He/Him, Ace: Chill INCARNATE, in my game design class and we do be vibin every time we interact

HB, He/Him, Straight: Also in my game design class, pretty fun guy to talk to

And that's it!! I'll do my best to keep updating this and editing it to keep it up to date stuff. Also most of the people whose second initial is D stands for Doe, cus idk their last name.

Also

SSGD, He/Him, Straight: ME! HI! I am your host and I'm just a huge nerd in almost all fields and this is my first time trying to keep a steady posting schedule on anything, let alone keeping a diary. If U See SSGD anywhere on any of my posts it is referring to me.

Any more questions? Send me an ask!

[somesadguysdiary]

2 AM GMT, Monday 11th March 2024

And so it begins. I'm starting this to be able to vent without bothering anyone that doesn't wanna listen, and hopefully entertain strangers with my somewhat boring, yet relatively wacky life.

I am a student studying game design, Psychology and some third one (yet to be decided), I am British and extremely normal (Lie).

Idk what time the next post will be, but it will be a list of all my friends and the nicknames we'll refer to them as.

Hope you enjoy, I guess.

[somesadguysdiary]