somebodysnothing

[somebodysnothing]

it's not like anyone is reading this....

100,000% I'm traumatized from the past 8.5 yrs at my job. It's nothing an outsider would understand and it's a massive pill most won't ever open their mouths to even consider swallowing. Much of the butter taste in my own fucking mouth is because of that. Because the fake shit that so many people do and the act they put on, acting like they have a clue how anything on earth functions. And people believe them, the masses anyway. Because who would question something they don't know about anyway? I'm never going to challenge a scientist, an engineer, a lawyer. I probably won't run into a person in the profession anyway. I wouldn't question a chef or be willing to duel an athlete, answering really there isn't a whole lot I'd feel confident in standing up and claiming to know some shit about,....

But there is something.

I do have a decent working knowledge of small animal veterinary technology. And I do have 9 yrs of experience working at an open intake, high volume municipal shelter. And I do have a big ass perspective of the broad picture of what the fuck is going on there. And if no one is ever questioning this shit, then that's concerning. If an enimal welfare organization is ever fundraising, and even matching a portion of those donations, but a branch of that organization can't replace broken furniture, that's a red flag.

The thing about animal welfare is that everyone thinks they are helping. Most people like animals. Even love them. But most municipal shelters operate off their own budgets, along with public donations of supplies and money. A lot of them even have their own non profit organization designated to raise money on their behalf. Those non profits can claim that status and raise money and then do God knows what with it.

When I worked at the shelter before resigning less than 2 weeks ago, their little non profit on side had lost it. The nonprofit was so out of touch with reality that not a single board member ever came in for anything anymore. At all. Ever. Their approach was to be the most hands off rhey could possibly be. They even fired my friend, telling her she wasn't raising enough money on the right things. This board, composed of idiots who know nothing about fundraising and nothing about shelter life, wa Ted my friend to raise thousands of dollars by somehow convincing more members of the public to spend $1000 or more on a sign that would have their name on it and go on a dog or cat kennel in their honor. No one buys these and they aren't a money maker. They are a fomite, harboring infectious disease and potentially killing the next occupant , because the shelter also employs a staff that for 50+ reasons, all of which h I can name, won't ever end up santizing that stupid sign. And no one wants to walk back to see their little sign, because it houses an animal in a filthy kennel, amidst a whole room that smells like urine and feces, echoes beyond audible recognition when the dogs start barking, and nothing guarantees the animal in it won't die. It's too much for most people to handle. Or people who are unaware. Or people who don't educate themselves. People who try to make money off a stupid idea like this and think it'll ever become a thing.

The non profit at my old job, let's call them Fomas, they like to be unaware. Because unaware means you don't have to ever face a real issue head on and be a solver of problems. Unaware means you can look like a hero on a board of an organization that is no longer doing good things because they are no longer even trying. And get enough of the unawares together and suddenly no o e.kbows what the guck is going on. And even better, all the unaware dumbfucks have been given the authority and power to decide see everything. Which is terrifying. Because when you have ppl in charge that are killing animals to make room for more animals, you want those people to make the rights choices on which ones die vs which do not. It's gross. But goddammit, you don't wanna just put it all to chance, right? If there's a reason 1 should die before another, wouldn't it be a good rule to follow? Like if one bit someone and another didn't, if one were very ill and one healthy, wouldn't it be a better path to take?

But then the outline would have to know these things because otherwise no one could face all the mistakes made and lies being covered up.

I had to get the fuck out of there. I overstayed by a few years. I thought I could fix it or make a dent in it on my own, combat a lot if the issues and then it'd spark the needed change. But what a person can't change is another person's ability to care or another's capacity to love. Those are innate qualities. So when I'm getting a haircut and the hairdresser tells me how she lost her dog some years ago when her boyfriend left the dog outside on the hottest day of the year, well that lady and myself will never see things on the same level nor in the same light. Not judging her, but maybe kinda I am. Because the thing in my head that Snaps when hearing a story like that is a thing that the lady doesn't possess. I can attempt to explain all the things in my head that send Red flags waving, all the things that seem like common sense to me regarding animal welfare. But it won't matter because 100 mes will always have another 100 of those lady's on the opposite side, too stupid and too obvious to what the fuck is realy happening.

Even worse if the people who aren't too stupid to actually hod the capacity to understand, but who opt not to because they can't face the problem head on or because they come out the same if they do or if they don't. As I'm they will inevitably their pockets with the same amount of money if they do a ot, a itte, and if they do nothing. These are typical the ones who shout just to be heard, use tactics of a bully, get their way thru intimidation. They often have shadows who mi.ic or support them. At this point in the time the main message has become couded if not gone. When this happened to me, my supervisor at the time iteray was ignoring me. Et me repeatedly that, my supervisor at work was 100% ignoring me. If someone who uou are supposed to directly report to is ignoring you, peace eave that job. Huge red fg. And if you work for the government, run. Bc no o e is gon a take a stand for what's eight, if they ever did anyway. When a person Maki g twice as much as you is ignoring you and choosing sides when it's not even necessary, get the fuc out. Bc that means they are already Making Huge and massive mistakes. Iike euthanizing the wrong dogz. Forgetting to feed and water whoe rooms of dogs and cats. And then not addressing it when brought to attention. So then pp with broken ankes end up having to do it because there's no accountability and it'd not happen otherwise. If you are giving any money to anima sedate groups, as to go inside and iook around. Unannounced, unplanned. if im giving money to a pace who has a goal of 37,099 and they can't keep water in the Animas bowes and people think aa the 37,099 goes to care for just the shelter Animas,

[somebodysnothing]

Anger surfaced today

Multiplying in size

Presenting as a monster

He has been in my dreams lately

And as little as I think of him these days

Todays anger is him

I'm not over that thing with him, still

And its provocation is unknown for today

But it was no good

Today revisited old, ugly spaces not seen in awhile

And now I'm afraid

Fear

Nervous

Please dont let me regress

Please

Go

Forward

[somebodysnothing]

“But in that moment I understood what they say about nostalgia, that no matter if you’re thinking of something good or bad, it always leaves you a little emptier afterwards.”

— John Corey Whaley; Noggin (via thoughtkick)

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

I'm addicted to all these things, addicted to eveything bad and addicted to all things that equal self destruction

Addicted to a poor diet

And hydration by alcohol. Gotta stay hydrated

Breathing in every bit of air, so long as its laced with nicotene

Bye bye vitamins, farewell psych meds

Thank god birth control is sold online, otherwise we'd have bigger issues

Exercise, well let's say it comes from exercising the mind

Which occurs when I dont read all those books that I don't own

Gotta stay active, you know

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

Heather Havrilesky, How to Be a Person in the World

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

Heather Havrilesky, How to Be a Person in the World

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

And maybe it's impossible for another human to choose me because i never have....

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

One day, someday soon, I hope that I forget about existing during covid. That I forget all the bullshit people and bullshit wasted effort put into them. The dude from highschool and all the ones from tinder. Who I wonder if they even have mothers, because who would raise their kid to be such shit...,

I'm no angel. But goddamn itd be lovely to forget....

To forget the handful who were cheaters, the few who were beaters, and the repeaters.

How have I gotten so fucking old and written a story that played out like this? It never mattered the education received, experienced gained, wisdom taught....it was destiny to be this. To live this. Feel this.

Years of sad stories and displeasing tales. None unique, few entertaining.

But here I am. Its all familiar. Its all me, I'm so very stuck. If it were possible to climb out, even just a little, I'm not sure id even know how....

[somebodysnothing]

Mary Oliver, from “Members of the Tribe”, Dream Work