somebodysnothing

[somebodysnothing]

Anger surfaced today

Multiplying in size

Presenting as a monster

He has been in my dreams lately

And as little as I think of him these days

Todays anger is him

I'm not over that thing with him, still

And its provocation is unknown for today

But it was no good

Today revisited old, ugly spaces not seen in awhile

And now I'm afraid

Fear

Nervous

Please dont let me regress

Please

Go

Forward

[somebodysnothing]

“But in that moment I understood what they say about nostalgia, that no matter if you’re thinking of something good or bad, it always leaves you a little emptier afterwards.”

— John Corey Whaley; Noggin (via thoughtkick)

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

I'm addicted to all these things, addicted to eveything bad and addicted to all things that equal self destruction

Addicted to a poor diet

And hydration by alcohol. Gotta stay hydrated

Breathing in every bit of air, so long as its laced with nicotene

Bye bye vitamins, farewell psych meds

Thank god birth control is sold online, otherwise we'd have bigger issues

Exercise, well let's say it comes from exercising the mind

Which occurs when I dont read all those books that I don't own

Gotta stay active, you know

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

Heather Havrilesky, How to Be a Person in the World

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

Heather Havrilesky, How to Be a Person in the World

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

And maybe it's impossible for another human to choose me because i never have....

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

[somebodysnothing]

One day, someday soon, I hope that I forget about existing during covid. That I forget all the bullshit people and bullshit wasted effort put into them. The dude from highschool and all the ones from tinder. Who I wonder if they even have mothers, because who would raise their kid to be such shit...,

I'm no angel. But goddamn itd be lovely to forget....

To forget the handful who were cheaters, the few who were beaters, and the repeaters.

How have I gotten so fucking old and written a story that played out like this? It never mattered the education received, experienced gained, wisdom taught....it was destiny to be this. To live this. Feel this.

Years of sad stories and displeasing tales. None unique, few entertaining.

But here I am. Its all familiar. Its all me, I'm so very stuck. If it were possible to climb out, even just a little, I'm not sure id even know how....

[somebodysnothing]

Mary Oliver, from “Members of the Tribe”, Dream Work

[somebodysnothing]

I cannot know you anymore. Listen to me! I cannot fucking know you!

Because you have always meant and been far more to me and in my life than ever I have to you. And that is not uncommon. But the nature of the shit you have asked me to do and to be, the nature of everything you wanted me to be and every single thing I never knew how to be, everything I am not, everything existing outside of me....

There's all this shit. And it weighs heavy. Even if it is simple, surface level, it holds deep inside my soul. My stupid soul. I no longer want it. The burden to live amongst anything and anyone that even remotely I care about or like or god forbid, love. Yeah, god forbid.