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Goodbye, 2017

Dear,

1st of all, fuck you. You have been a total bitch. You made me changed jobs twice, forced me to pay settle my loans, family issues, and made me go through hell. Fuck you, fuck you very much. However, I do need to give you the credit due.

Thank you for allowing me to find the love of my life. I never thought that I could love someone or something so much. She taught me how to love again, taught me how to offer & accept help graciously. With her patience & unconditional love, she really changed me for the better. She, us, is the most important thing that I am truly grateful for.

Thank you for forcing me to change my jobs, because without all that, I wouldn’t have found out what I want & don’t want in my life. Although I have not found my dream job, but at the very least, I did find out what it is.

Thank you for forcing me to settle my loans. Without it, I will still be heavily in debt & still trying to run away to avoid them.

Thanks for the family issue. Although this is one of the shitty-est thing that ever happened in my life, but I was able to reconcile my family relationship, and amend the underlying pain. Without all these bullshits, these wounds will probably never healed. 

Thank you for all the friends & family that stayed by my side. Without y’all, most of my achievements & success would be much tougher. I am referring to you. A.,B. & J. Although I don’t express much, do forgive me for that, I am still learning. But thank fucking you. All 3 of your encouragements & help has been invaluable.

Dear 2018, I won’t ask you to be kind to me, because I fucking know you won’t. Instead, fuck you, fuck you very much, fuck you in advance. Deal with my swearing. Bring it on, give me your best shot. I hope you are worse than your sister, because she made me stronger. You can’t kill me, & you will make me stronger. 

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Day 125: Beginning of End

I guess my sacrifice is worth it, hopefully it follows through till the end days.

As for today, It was not a coincidence. I can't buy the story. Must we go to this lengths to fulfill my last few wishes. 

Days are numbered, time isn't a luxury anymore. You all sticking together is my ulterior motivate all along. Initially I thought that I have all the time in the world.  Now after all, I am still bounded by my human limitations.

"Gone were the days, we swore we never change, now I'm left here all alone."

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Day 120: Motivation

For the past 24 years of my life, I keep having this mindset of having a dream, or not having it. But after some drinking and some self-reflection, I realize that it wasn't about that, but rather having what I dream about or not having it. And of course without saying, I don’t have it. I found out that I just find comfort in having a dream that makes me happy and ‘safe’, but its also the reason why I still have sleepless nights.

It is perspective changing time.

I am sick of having regrets. Its fucking toxic, 1 that I will bring to my grave is too many. Regrets is what makes everything fall like dominoes,in fucked up fashion. Its funny how I am more awake without sleeping. Maybe its because all the fucked up noise is drowning.

No more.

120 days wasted, another 101 days to go. Let’s make magic happen. After all, I can easily.

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Day 113: Where

It has been so long since the 4 of us got together, and it was an impatient and excited wait, but I guess all this waiting was a waste. Expectations, hopes, and growth. Good luck finding your answers here, that is, if you all can. Doubting my relationship was the most laughable thing that I have heard from the time I know you 3.

 “And you, don’t try to say no. It was in your eyes when you said it.“ 

From a wealthy and powerful family she is born and blessed with all these gifts. And with these blessings comes the curse. And most importantly, I love her too much to risk anything. The only few things that I can do is to leave as much vague clues as I can, but at the same time continue to make sure she is safe. 

“Brother, you asked me who am I, command and asked me to reflect, but sadly, you failed to realized that my eyes have seen much, including through the other direction.”

If you 3 think that I have changed, to that, yes, I have. I have things to lose now. I finally have things that are worth living for.

Speaking of which, if you are still interested to know on why things don’t seem to be alright that night, I am just cushioning the ricochet of the loneliness. Simply because once the sun rises and when I wake up , I will be all alone once again, and perhaps to an indefinite amount of time. I am just making sure I don’t destroy myself along the way of it.

I am sorry, I really am. Because I have gotten used to being alone, fighting and growing alone. I have realized that my growth supersede most of us. I have gotten to a point where I refuse to turn around, or to wait anymore.

And of course, emotions triumph logic. I learned that long ago, even before we started parting our ways. I no longer can pour all my sorrows and problems to you, not because of pride or the fear of embarrassment, but simply because you found someone you can share your vision with, someone that you want to share your future with, someone that you hope to start a family with. All in all, the result is inevitable.

“And lastly, you, the most disappointing one. Being an alcoholic does not give you the benefit to be a emotion wreck and cause a scene, and pretend like nothing happened just to escape the blame.” 

Through time, I have loved you 3, still do, and always will. Come talk to me, as I wait and pray.

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Day 77: Prodigy

They say,

“An average human has a IQ level of 100. If you have a IQ level of 110, it proves superiority of others, and with 150, you are a genius, a prodigy.”

The funny thing about our society is that we hate people that have more than us. Wealth, intelligence, fame, talent, we expel them like viruses in our bodies.

“Rage, over the nature, an unequal distribution of talent. Rage, that genius appears, where it appears, for no material reason at all.”

And sadly, those that don’t have it, will never settle.

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Day 56: The Light at the end of the tunnel

So damn fucking happy that Eva took a transit flight here for a few hours just to see me.

It’s just this small thoughts and effort from her, and not forgetting for a single moment about this relationship that keeps me alive and going everyday. As I make my way down to the airport to see her, it felt familiar, like our first date.

Decided to leave here for good once things are more stable. Once I am posted to Hong Kong for work, that will be my last few days here.

There isn’t much for me here anymore. Family, friends, memories. All these don’t really matter much to me anymore, not that much as before I met Eva at the very least.

Burning bridges, disposing my possession, and keeping a few a few things and memories with me are all that is left to do here. Never once is there a moment where i have so much clarity in my life until now.

Thank God that it worked out and I will continue to make sure it does.

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Day 52:제발 돌아와

Just a few days more to 2 months since your departure.

Although we are Skype and text each other every single day and almost every single moment, but it just feels different. There are so many things that we can’t express through just a Skype call or a text message. Expression of love, the longing for you, and adding the fact that its going to be a long 7 years and 10 months wait only make things worst.

I know you miss me, of course I know you do. But let’s be patient for another 7 months before we see each other in Seoul. Excited is an understatement for that day to come.

But at least we are still together, still missing each other, and still are waiting for the day to come. That’s the only thing that makes sense and feels real to me. Everything else feels like a dream. Without you, everyday is just another miserable and meaninglessly day. I might even lose the faith to love again.

Will the wait drive us to insanity, or will it slowly drive us to despair?

Such a slow death, the worst punishment anyone can receive, the ultimate retribution.

請快回來, 想聽你說, 說你還在 

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Day 34: Picking up

Still missing Eva, of course.

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