solarisdraws

[solarisdraws]

I hate making art

I went on a trip about two weeks ago to the province with my family because my grandfather had to get eye surgery. It was the first trip I had been on in a while. As we left town, I saw mountains and trees stretching endlessly. It was one of the most breathtaking sights I had seen in a long time. Since I live in the city, I am so used to looking at buildings—everywhere I go is a construction site. Seeing the same thing every day can become exhausting, especially when you’ve grown up in that environment. So witnessing those mountains was like a "woah" moment for me. I remember trying my best to admire the branches and the silhouette of the trees, but I couldn’t fully take them in because of how fast we were traveling. The sky was so blue, and the clouds sat perfectly against it. The sun was just behind them, its light peeking through creating rays that pierced the sky. It was such a vivid moment that I felt an overwhelming urge to capture it through art. I wanted to gather everything I had felt that day, squeeze it out of me, and pour it onto a canvas. And in that moment I felt that spark, the kind that’s electrifying and it touches your soul.

In the past ten years or so, I have struggled so much with coming up with ideas for what I want to create. Starting is always the hardest part. I often turn to Pinterest or YouTube for inspiration, but I end up falling down a rabbit hole, getting lost in unrelated content. I mindlessly scroll through social media, completely distracted, and before I know it, hours have passed. I think social media has significantly limited my ability to explore my creativity freely. I have relied so much on using references that my brain has become conditioned to seek them out constantly. I need to rewire my mind and find balance—to embrace inspiration without becoming trapped in it.

I’m sure we’ve all experienced this at some point in our lives. It’s unavoidable, and that’s what makes it so frustrating. I have struggled with this for many years, and it feels like an endless, torturous cycle. There is always that voice in my head looming over me, telling me that I’m not doing my best. It forms a thick wall that separates my raw, genuine emotions and what I’m trying to create. Breaking that wall feels nearly impossible. It’s a never-ending loop that keeps me stuck in self-doubt. For me, it is incredibly painful, like a pang in my chest, whispering that I am not good enough, that I lack originality, that I won’t make it. These self-imposed doubts have accumulated over the years, and to be honest, they still linger. No matter how much validation I receive—whether from the internet, through Instagram posts and stories, or from my peers—I still hear that voice. I couldn’t find a way to overcome my self-doubt. It sits like a dark pit in the back of my mind, impossible to shake off.

Does that mean I hate making art? Honestly it's a love-hate relationship. But I’ve realized that the key isn’t to chase after meaning relentlessly. When you focus too much on finding purpose, you end up chasing for the sake of it, rather than letting it come to you naturally. It’s about finding equilibrium. Allowing yourself to create without pressure, to seek inspiration without being consumed by it, and to trust that your artistic voice will emerge when you let go of the need to force it.