solarflarefanfiction

[solarflarefanfiction]

i’ve really been enjoying solar flare! wondering if you are going to continue the story since it’s so good:) or if it’s been updated elsewhere

Hi! So nice to hear that you enjoyed it! I have it posted on AO3, as well, here:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17331338/chapters/40774370

I actually haven’t posted in a very long time. (Life complications happened).

I’ve been working on the story again, finally - so this might be the inspiration I needed to finish it off!

[solarflarefanfiction]

Solar Flare 7

AN: Still don’t own Twilight. In terms of Kim’s last name, I’m not sure where it came from, but it seems to be the recognized name for her character, and it’s even an existing character tag on AO3, so I stuck with it.

The sun, and my brightened mood, lasted through the rest of the week.

I knew everyone noted my improved mood, but kindly chose not to comment.

Jake had a couple weekday afternoons off, and we walked on the beach, did homework at my house, and made out in a patch of sun in Charlie’s backyard like the teenagers we were, until I was breathless and aching for something just out of reach.

Saturday the sun was still shining, though huge puffy white clouds were moving across the sky like cheerful, overgrown bumble bees.

Kim and I were in short sleeves. Emily never wore short sleeves, but she had on a lightweight teal blouse that shone against her coppery skin. It was strange to remember that Emily was only a year or two older than me. But giggling, and talking about our boyfriends, baking, and books as we walked through La Push to the market (on the slim pretense of seeing if they’d gotten in any early strawberries) I’d never felt like such a normal person in my life.

Emily loved Sam. Like really really loved him. It was fascinating to me, because I still didn’t totally grasp the whole “imprint” thing. I mean, the love at first sight, feeling of “meant to be” I kind of did get. But the whole thing was so magical. And for all the wolves were clearly magical creatures, they never felt so unusual, or supernatural the way the vampires did.

I didn’t like to think of imprinting as exactly like “true love”, since mine and Jacob’s case was so unclear. But hearing Emily and Kim, it was hard not to see it exactly that way.

Still, the sun was out, and Jacob had made a very convincing case over the past several months that I was what he really wanted. The looming danger had overshadowed romantic concerns, and I was not anxious to bring them back.

We were walking back, promising strawberries in tow, when a mix of familiar and unfamiliar voices up ahead caught my attention.

It was Jake, Jared, and Embry, talking to three girls I’d never seen before.

The girls looked somewhere around our age, and they were all very pretty, with long hair (two of them glossy and straight, and one falling in perfect waves). Embry was smiling down at a small, curvy girl, who was all but batting her eyelashes up at him. A tall girl, rolling her eyes at her friend, was clearly making some sort of snide remark to Jared. And the third girl…

She was tall too, though less so, and willowy, and she was smiling at Jacob with a certain familiar light in her eyes. She was talking to him, something that made a flush chase across his cheeks and down his bare chest, while he shifted his weight in discomfort.

“Who’s that?” I heard myself ask faintly, eyes on Jacob’s blushing face.

His face turned immediately towards mine, and he straightened up.

“Jen, Megan, and Lindsay. They go to school with us.” Kim whispered quickly. “That’s Lindsay, talking to Jacob. She’s a Junior, but she’s really nice. She just-”

“Bella!” Jacob’s face split into a grin, and he waved his ridiculously long arm, like it was possible to miss him.

I tried to guess whether he was really happy to see him or not. There was no reason to think he wasn’t.

Except that girl, Lindsay, she looked exactly like the kind of girl Jacob should imprint on. Could imprint on. Would imprint on, in my very worst nightmares.

Jared caught Kim, who I hadn’t noticed running off, and spun her around as she locked her legs around his waist. The tall girl rolled her eyes again, but tugged at Kim’s messy ponytail, smiling affectionately.

Emily touched my arm.

“Okay, Bella?” I snapped back into focus.

Jake shoved Embry, nearly knocking him into the girl still smiling coyly up at him, and causing him to snarl in a way I really hoped no one thought too much about.

I felt painfully awkward making my way to him, not comfortable enough to run, the way Kim had, feeling like my loose weekend jeans and worn t-shirt were terribly shabby.

“Bells!” Jake pulled me to him with both arms, and pulled my back against his broad, warm chest. “This is Lindsay, that’s Meg, and that’s Jen - the one Embry’s drooling on. Linds, this is Bella, my girlfriend.”

He said it so easily. I relaxed against him and tried to smile in a friendly, not jealous, not crazy way at Lindsay, who was smiling back, only a hint of color in her cheeks suggesting any awkwardness.

“It’s so nice to meet you. The way Jake talks about you, we all thought for sure he was making you up for the longest time. Not that he has any reason to make up girlfriends these days.” She winked at us, patted Jake’s arm. “The guys around here have really been growing up well lately.”

Jacob snorted, like this was an old joke.

“We’d better get going. Jen, either you and Embry get a room or let’s go.” She linked arms companionably with Meg and waved goodbye.

Jared, now carrying Kim piggyback, trotted over, pushing Embry as he went.

“Get a grip, love boy. These chicks are going to gang up one of these days and cut your balls off.”

“Jared, gross.” Kim laughed, kicking his side.

“Oof, sorry babe. Still not a horse though.”

Embry cackled. “We heard he’s a hell of a ride though, right, Connweller?”

Kim shrieked as Jared lunged at Embry, who jumped behind Emily, sticking his tongue out.

“Coward,” Jake laughed.

“I prefer to think of myself as chivalrously protecting the ladies from the sight of Jared’s sorry ass getting kicked.”

See, I reasoned to myself, this is so easy.

And it was easy, so much of the time. But I stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Whether it was Jacob imprinting on some perfect, unknown girl, or the death of all of us. Maybe it was just me. No-fun Bella.

“You okay, Bells” Jake whispered down to me. Looking up at the tense, too old lines in his worried face I felt a pang. My Jacob, the Jacob I'd (though I didn't know it at the time) fallen in love with was always smiling. That gawky, awkward, sort-of-beautiful boy who made my parts all fit right.

I smiled up at him, hoping I was hiding my fears.

“Sure sure, Jacob. But would it really hurt you guys to put on shirts?” I poked his bare, very warm chest. “You’re going to cause some kind of mob riot someday.”

“As long as you come to my ‘shirtless mob riot’ I think I'm good with that, Bells.” He winked.

“Gross”

Embry shoved himself between us at that point, cheerfully ignoring Jake’s dire warnings, and I took that excuse to link arms with Emily.

“They never pick on you.”

“Oh, that’s just what I call the ‘Sam effect.’ He’s actually a big softie, of course. The way he mother hens those boys... Don’t want to ruin his mystique though.”  she waved her scarred hand as if performing a magic trick.

I still found Sam intimidating on a good day, but it was hard to doubt Emily’s smiling assurance.

“I don’t know what I’d do if it was Jake that everyone was intimidated by.” I glanced back to see Jacob, now giving a piggyback ride to Embry and rushing toward Jared and Kim with a battle cry. “Though I guess I don’t have to worry about that…”

“I think you'd be surprised Bella. Are you coming to the bonfire in a couple weeks? The day before your prom I think.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. But yes. Jacob said I could come, to learn about...uh, wolf stuff I guess.”

“You’re one of us now Bella, part of the pack. Your connection with Jacob...you’re a wolf girl now.” She squeezed my arm affectionately, and we subsided into companionable silence.

Lunch that day was a rowdy affair, with even the periphery patrols pulled for a big pack lunch. It’d been a few weeks since any vampire sightings.

Despite the recent calm, and the general optimism of the wolves (excepting perhaps Leah and Sam), the discussion following turned grim.

“We’ve seen the news, and even if they haven’t tried our boundaries lately, we’ve smelled them.” Sam’s deep voice was solemn.

“The red-haired leech isn't giving up. She’s either setting up a distraction or creating an army. Most likely it is a combination of both.”  

“Is this still just to kill Bells?” Paul asked, ignoring a cautionary growl from Jacob, who was wrapped around me, a warm, protective, cloak. “‘Cause no offense, that kind of seems like overkill. Literally.”

“It could be. But I believe that though it started that way, and though she certainly still plans to kill Bella,” Jacob growled.

“Cool it, idiot, Jesus. Like he means it as a good thing.” snapped Leah.

“I believe encountering us has triggered this new action. That or she wants them, not Bella at all, and believes she can lure them back.”

“No matter our protection, if she wanted to kill one human girl...I’m sorry Bella, but she could  just wait and find an opening. She has forever.”

“I understand.” I paused. “Did- Did Jacob tell you what I told him. About…them, about James?”

“In the sense of injecting it into our wolfy-mind meld, yeah, basically I think we got it.” Quil, looking mildly horrified. “Can I see it?”

“It?” Jacob was tense behind me, and I ran a hopefully not too clammy hand down his thigh in what was meant to be a soothing gesture.

“Where it bit you.”

Kim gasped. “But she’s not a vampire, you said if you got bit you turned into one!” This was clearly directed at Jared.

“You should.”

I held out my hand, scarred palm up.

Jacob ran one finger across it and shuddered.

“E-Edward, sucked out the venom. That’s why I didn’t...”

“Gross!”

“That’s sick.”

“But she’s alive, isn’t she?”

“It’s kind of… romantic, isn’t it? That he saved her?”

“It’s messed up.”

“Shut up, Connweller.”

“Don’t talk to her like that!”

“Quiet, all of you.” The wolves went silent as one.

Kim, unrepentant, winked at me. Leah slapped her head lightly, and chaos threatened to break out again as Jared bristled.

“Bella, we’ve seen from your conversation with Jacob that some of them have special abilities. Outside of the Cullens, you are aware of vampires with these abilities?”

“James, he had a tracking ability. That's why we ran. Once he targeted someone he could always find them. And Victoria…”

“She’s the redhead?”

“Yeah, she had some kind of… Self-preservation power. Like she could find a way out. That’s why Rosalie and Esme couldn't catch her. I don’t really understand it much...sorry.” It felt so odd to be saying their names here, in this wolf war council.

I wasn’t holding myself together, even.

“Well, shit.” Jared.

The Cullens had never felt farther away, even though I was talking about them.

“How common are these abilities?” Emily, looking at me with my exact fears in her eyes

“They said they were rare. But… 5 of the vampires I met had powers.”

“Out of?”

“9”

“Well, shiiiiiiiit”

“So here is the question, of the bloodsuckers the redhead makes, how many of those might have special abilities? We don’t know.”

“How hard is it to make a new one?”

“Anyone who is bitten but not killed...but a lot of them can’t stop in time…” Weird, this new position as vampire expert. This information had felt so different when I'd been greedily acquiring it, as a prospective future member of the Cullen family. My fingers itched to grasp around my middle, hold me together. I felt like I was dissolving. I leaned back into Jacob instead, hard.

“It takes 3 days. They said. It...it hurts, the whole time. The venom, it burns. It feels like you’re being burned alive.”

“Awesome, so unless some “nice” vampire is there to suck out the venom… It’s basically death or being tortured until you turn into a blood-sucking monster.”

“Wait, does it have to be a vamp who sucks out the venom?”

“Well, the venom would turn you into a vampire if you got it into your mouth, right?”

“But, I mean, if you can kiss them without them turning you...”

“Eww.”

“What if it gets in a cut?

“But Bella, she kissed that one, her boyfriend, right?”

Oh God.

“Uhh,” I glanced at Jacob’s tense face. “Yes, we kissed, but that was all. Ummm. The Cullens had friends who...they were a group of sisters who didn't kill people but they would sleep with human men...and um, they were fine, as long as they didn’t bite them by mistake or accidentally...break anything...” I’m sure you could have seen my face from space.

“Ohh, ewww.”

Leah made a gagging sound.

Jacob was vibrating around me.

I patted his thigh again.

“Thank you, Bella” Sam said solemnly. I was very grateful for his stoicism.

“Vampire venom is toxic to us, according to our own histories. So while we are safe from transformation, it is good to consider the possibility of removing the venom before it can spread. Though it could be more toxic to us than to a normal human. It is not a sure thing, so try not to get bit.”

“Yeah, cause we were all gonna go out and try it out, just for fun.” Leah muttered, still the only one who could always count on being able to backtalk Sam.

It was silent for a long moment.

“So,” Quil asked, “How many bloodsuckers means we’re all toast, and probably the girls with us?”

Leah put a protective hand on Seth, who scowled. And Sam, Jared, and Jacob let out eerily in-sync growls.

“We aren’t toast.” Sam bit out through clenched teeth. “And Brady and Colin will be...any day now…”

“Brady and Colin are 13 years old, Sam” Leah said furiously, hand still clenched around Seth’s arm.

“Meg’s gotten pretty tall… Do you think…”

“Nah…”

“If...I mean, if Victoria...I don’t want to die, really, but...” Jacob was already shaking his head in silent fury and denial. I had to say it though,

“But maybe if she got me, that’s what she wants. She would…”

She would leave everyone I love alive.

Jacob's steady growl, and the shaking of the chair were were sitting in, was all I could hear.

Sam looked at me for a long moment. A weighing gaze, and I didn’t look away.

Was that respect, in his dark eyes?

“Your offer is appreciated, Bella. I do not think she would stop at this point. If Bella was still her only goal, she could easily wait for a weak spot in our defenses. This show of force, the testing of our defenses. That’s something else. She has forever, after all, like we said, and we are more than merely human, but we aren’t perfect.”

Jacob’s growl hadn’t let up, if anything he seemed to be getting angrier.

“Jacob Black, you will control yourself, or you will get out of this house.” Whatever pack magic Sam used leashed in Jacob’s growling, but I could feel angry, frustration vibrating under his skin.

“It’s okay, Jacob. Shhh,” I soothed.

“Regardless of whether the leech would cease her attacks. We would not surrender you, Bella Swan,” Sam spoke with some kind of extra push behind his voice. “We will not. Despite our continuing questions, Bella Swan is recognized as the imprint of Jacob Black, our brother. And no harm can be allowed to come to her. She’s ours.”

Oh. That was a surprise. I felt something warm in my chest, and my eyes teared up.

Jacob must have felt it too, because he relaxed around me, sighing.

“So what are we going to do?”

No one knew the answer to the question, beyond ‘do our best to not all get dead’.

Still, the amazing thing about the boys, and even Sam, who by all rights should have still been a boy himself, was that they were never down for long.

Somehow the conversation soon shifted to some embarrassing incident involving Embry, Quil, and some girls who were unfamiliar to me, but everyone else (except maybe Emily, who I recalled was not from La Push originally) seemed to know well.

Soon it felt again like a cozy little house, only overflowing with overgrown teenage boys. The talk of supernatural battles faded to the background, though it didn't vanish entirely.

---

Dinner with Charlie was very quiet, by comparison , but comfortable, and he seemed content hearing my stories of my La Push friends, a group he heartily approved of, crediting them (not incorrectly) with my improved well-being.

I had the nightmare that night.

It was different, they always were. But it was the same.

“Please don’t leave me”  I sobbed holding Jacob’s bloody face in my hands. The forest was so still. Where was Edward? He was supposed to...

I woke up with a gasp, as if ripped free of the nightmare by my own sense of self-preservation.

I felt myself being pressed against a warm chest before I realized someone was even in the room with me.

“Bella,” Jake groaned, sounding pained. I relaxed against him, holding back tears. Listening to his heartbeat.

I fell asleep with him wrapped around me, keeping my fears at bay.

In the morning he was gone, and I felt oddly adrift.

I had versions of the nightmare every night that week. By Friday, I was exhausted at school, feeling like a shambling zombie again.

Jacob couldn’t be around every time I had a nightmare. In fact, I hadn’t seen him since Wednesday. It couldn’t be that he was avoiding me. It’d only been a few days. It made me anxious though, and uncomfortably reminded of the confusing, painful distance Edward had created before he’d left. Had I done something? No, no, it must just be a coincidence, or wolf business. Maybe even school.

I was holding myself together again by only the barest thread, and I caught myself surreptitiously gripping my arms around my middle.

I still had a lot. I had Emily’s house, and Emily and Kim and Leah, and the rest of the pack. Surely, if Jake wasn’t...if something was wrong, then I would know.

I made extra effort to talk to talk with Angela and Jessica, and even with Mike, Eric, and Ben at school. I wasn’t going to become a zombie again.

But it was hard to remember what we talked about. It was like the world was retreating from my eyes, getting harder and harder to see.

I’d see Jacob tonight. Or tomorrow. Everything would be fine.

The nightmares would go away again.

---

I had plans to go dress shopping with Kim in Port Angeles on Saturday.

Given the current situation, us going by ourselves had been out of the question, and Leah had very acidly refused to take on more human-sitting, just because she happened to be the lone wolf-girl. Jared had, of course, volunteered, and to only my slight disappointment, Paul was along as support.

I’d picked up a jumbo sized coffee at Starbucks first thing when we pulled into town, and my mood lifted along with the fog of my exhaustion.

Kim was an easy person to shop with, since she really cared about clothes only a bit more than me, and we both had similar minuscule budgets and no desire to splurge. Paul and Jared waited outside (Jared only reluctantly agreed after the combined efforts of Kim and Paul).

We giggled over silly dresses. It felt nice. I didn’t want to compare it to my time with the Cullens, but inevitably I did. It was really my only prior experience with this sort of thing. I felt a pang of guilt. Because, this was better. It felt natural, and like me. And there was no uncomfortable extravagance to remind me of my inferiority, or bulldozing of my opinion.

Not that I didn’t still love Alice. I’d been lucky to receive her over-the-top affections.

Paul and Jared were laughing about something when we left the store, purchases in hand, looking like a catalog advertisement for laughter, or manliness, or something, and drawing the gazes of several passers by, though luckily they were fully dressed.

Paul slung a casual arm around my shoulder, as Jared wrapped Kim up in a hug and tugged at her bag, trying to peek inside.

“Success, I take it?” Paul asked, rolling his eyes at Jared. “I’m just glad you guys don’t shop like some chicks do.”

“Yes, I think so.” I felt uncomfortably aware of the heat of Paul’s arm, welcome for its comfort, but unfamiliar and odd.

Paul had begun extending these casual affections to me only in the last couple weeks. He was similarly affectionate, especially with Kim, (the wolves tended to keep certain respectfulness for Emily’s person, though they all clearly adored her). With the pack his affection took a form that was frequently semi-violent. So I didn’t feel uncomfortable exactly.

I’d just never had these kinds of affectionate relationships before. I’d always thought it was something in me. Too much reserve, or just plain too weird to fit in with people that way.

“So, can I see? What’d you pick, something sexy? Jake’ll lose it, and probably cry, which would be funny. On the other hand, you don’t want to know the kinds of things he thinks already.”

“Ummm, what?” I squeaked, blushing.

Paul laughed.

“Trust me. But don’t worry, Swan, you really  don’t want to know the shit we know about Connweller over there. Jared’s the absolute worst at hiding his thoughts. Jake’s getting better pretty fast.”

“Okay...what kind of...no, I don’t want to know. Poor Leah.”

“Yeah, it’s no wonder she’s turned into such a bitch. Not that she was exactly a sweetheart before. We’re just lucky that Sam can control his thoughts. She’d definitely slit every one of our throats to avoid having to experience that shit show from the other side. Imprinting is so fucked up.”

Jared’s long arm shot back at that, hitting Paul hard in the chest so that he stumbled back, almost knocking me to the ground.

Paul snarled and his hand on my arm was painful, even as it kept us both upright. His was still the shortest temper of any of the wolves, and thus he often had the worst control.

But then he laughed, and suddenly he was just Paul again.

Kim made Jared walk with Paul after that, though I could tell she really wanted to cave into his puppy dog eyes.

She linked arms with me instead, grinning us, and turning us away from the car, “Now, for some serious shopping.”

---

It wasn’t until I got home that afternoon tired and carrying a bookstore bag in addition to my dress (thank goodness for Kim), that I realized I’d been hoping that Jacob would show up, even though I knew he had patrol, and that he was terribly behind in school, and probably had a million other things to do too.

Or he just didn’t want to see you.

You’re no good for me Bella.

The remembered words didn’t sound like him in my head, but the sting  (at the moment at least) had nothing to do with the memory of that terrible night in the woods.

I had a nightmare again, of course, recalling that night always resulted in nightmares.

“Bella,” Jake said, eyes sad, in a familiar forest. “I’m no good for you. I’m no better than him.”

“You’re not him, Jake.”

I woke up with tears drying on my face, to curtains blowing against the now open window.

I was alone.

[solarflarefanfiction]

Solar Flare 6

AN: So there’s some timeline stuff in here, which may not be perfect. In terms of Paul, in particular, the information seems to disagree. I’m pretty sure he is mentioned as being one of the wolves present to rescue Bella (or at least she remembers 3 tall figures, one of whom was Sam). But on the Wiki page it says he turned in 2006. Anyway, I find a lot of the timeline stuff in the Twilight Saga confusing/odd, so while for the most part I am going to try to keep it relatively canon, I’m might discard it whenever it doesn’t make sense. Or because I want to.

Thanks for reading, and I still don’t own Twilight.

-------

It was a few days later when the reality of Jacob and the pack’s fears was driven home for me.

Charlie’s harrumph over his newspaper drew my attention off of the novel I was reading. Charlie and I had reached a comfortable, if unconventional accord, which allowed us to avoid awkward breakfast conversation, when neither of us were really awake enough to appreciate the effort of making small talk.

While Charlie often huffed over sports losses, or a particularly frustrating current event, I usually took little notice, preferring my escape into romance, fantasy, or both.

But today, something about his wordless distress compelled me to respond.

“What’s wrong, Dad?”

“It’s this situation in Seattle,” He made the noise again, then looked at me across the table from him.

“I don’t want you going up there by yourself, you understand, Bella?” Since Charlie rarely attempted to curtail my activities in any way, I was surprised. A cold feeling of dread stirred in the back of my mind, like part of me knew what he was talking about already.

“Why? What’s going on in Seattle?”

“Well, it’s not just Seattle, really, Portland too, and-”

“Dad! What is it?”

“I don’t want to scare you too much, Bella, it just, it looks like they’ve got some kind of serial killer or something up there.” The cold feeling intensified. A serial killer…or something.

“They’ve had quite a few disappearances up there, the last few weeks. At first it was just some disappearances among the homeless, a couple runaways, so they couldn’t be sure if there was really something…going on. But now…” He sighed, and turned the portion of the paper he’d been reading so that I could see it. It was a picture of several young people, under a headline that read. Disappearances and Deaths Continue to Rock Pacific Northwest.

Charlie pointed to one picture, separated from the others.

“This boy, Riley Biers, he disappeared last year from Oregon, but a couple witnesses claim he’s been spotted in Seattle, near where some of the more recent bodies were found. Not that witnesses are necessarily that reliable on stuff like that. ”

Charlie looked sad and grim.

“Talked to the Department up there, not sure if it has anything to do with the missing hikers. Thought they were animal attacks, but the bodies they’ve recovered up there have some similarities.” He frowned at me in concern. “Now, don’t go telling your school friends Bella, we’re trying to avoid causing a panic.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, it’s not exactly good lunch room talk.”

“Just be careful, kid, okay.” Charlie said, carefully not looking at me, as he ventured onto the dangerous ground of emotional talk (now that I seemed to not currently be in a mental breakdown of any kind, we had gratefully returned to avoiding discussing overly personal topics). Much better to talk gruesome murder than to express emotion to your teenage daughter. I smiled fondly at Charlie, then glanced away.

“You too Dad.”

The upside of this rash of murders and disappearances being tied together, callous though it seemed to think it, was that Charlie and his deputies had officially ceased hunting for out of control wolves in the woods, making both them and the pack more safe.

On the other hand, seeing those faces was haunting somehow. Probably because I had a much better idea than Charlie how and why these people were dying. And why some of them weren’t dying at all.

In school I struggled to focus, thinking about the pictures of the missing persons. The relatively few, odd bodies.

I was very, very afraid that I knew what might be going on.

I said as much to Kim and Emily that afternoon

Kim looked surprised, but Emily just sighed.

“Sam’s been worried about this. It would explain a lot, actually.”

“Explain what?”

I glanced at the window, Quil and Seth were on house patrol today, and playing some wolfy game at the edge of the woods. Jacob, Sam, and Jared were on patrol, since them running patrol together made it easier to consolidate their major vulnerabilities, us, into one spot, which could be easily guarded.

“It doesn’t make sense, that the shifts kept happening, after…they... left. The one leech passing through, three or four wolves could have easily taken it out. Sam was a little surprised when Jacob showed signs that he was going to shift, actually, but he figured he was just so close already, it was too late for him. Plus, of all of them, he has maybe the best lineage for it.”

I felt cold suddenly.

“Even once we knew that the other one, the female, was here, was hanging around…It doesn’t make sense. Why do we need eight wolves, for one bloodsucker?” I could hear Sam’s voice, underlying Emily’s words. Leech, bloodsucker, the calm logistical sense, the instinct.

“The Cullens were here for almost three years. Sam thinks just one or two vampires, passing through the area, it wouldn’t necessarily activate the wolf genes, unless they were hunting nearby, or came onto our land. Which is rare actually, almost as if it might be instinctual...anyway...A large family, living nearby, you’d think it would have activated more quickly… Sam shifted for the first time a little over a year after the Cullens arrived. But Jared only shifted in spring the next year, about sixth months later-”

Oh, God.

“When the nomads came through.” Kim and Emily give me blank expressions.

“Victoria, Laurent, and James. They were a group of vampires, the Cullens called them nomads, came to Forks in March, last year- James wanted to kill me. The Cullens killed him in Phoenix. That’s why Victoria… and Laurent was the one they killed earlier this year.”

“Right. Well, Paul shifted about week or so after Jared, then nothing for almost a year, and then Embry shifted, then Jake, then Seth and Leah, then Quil, about one a month. It was spread out, but now this rapid increase. The Cullens are gone. It could just be some sort of flaw in the shifter genes, that it takes a while for it to get going-“

“Which doesn’t make any sense, because it’s magic, as much as it’s a gene, right?” asked Kim, suddenly, looking frustrated. “They turn into giant wolves to protect our land, and you’re saying they didn’t turn much when the Cullens were here for three years, but now they’re turning like crazy.”

“Because Victoria, or someone, is turning a bunch of people, and they are holed up in Seattle?”

“Yes, but why would pack magic care about Seattle. Unless…”

Unless they weren’t just in Seattle. Or unless there were so many of them that whatever mystical power or energy controlled the wolf transformations considered it a risk.

Or both.

They were here, or had been here, or coming here. Watching. Hunting.

To kill me. And anyone who got in their way.

How many vampires could the wolves really fight against and win?

I looked at Emily’s scarred, still somehow beautiful face. At Kim’s startled round face, which made her look years younger than she was.

They’d become my friends.

To Victoria they would only be "in the way”.  

I ran out of the house

“Bella!”

“Bella, wait!”

Why hadn’t I thought? This was all because of me, and now an army of vampires was gathering in Seattle. Because of me.  

I wanted to run and run. Not until Victoria wouldn’t find me, because she always would; I was pretty much doomed. But until she would never find this cosy little house, where they let me be quiet and alone when I needed it, or where I could talk and laugh over books with Kim, seek warm counsel over muffins with Emily, where Leah would burst in with her scathing attitude hiding her soft, damaged heart. Where the peace would be happily shattered by a rough and rowdy tumble of the overgrown wolf boys,  weary and too brave, filling the house with welcome and family. Away from Jacob, who’d somehow pulled me back from endless despair, and who made the future look beautiful and full of sunlight, instead of dark nothing.

I stopped on the front porch.

I had nowhere to go.

I couldn’t protect myself. I couldn’t protect anyone

The wolves would come, to rescue me, no matter where I ran, because they’d promised me.

Because Jake loved me.

I didn’t have to leave. Relief

But it was only because I’d already doomed us all.

I sat down on the front porch and stared off into the forest. Waiting.

------

Of course, the world refused to stop for the impending doom of almost everyone in the world I loved.

I tried to shake off the fears I’d awakened, or at least to not think about it, but that had never been my strength, and I felt myself slipping, not into the despair of last fall, but into a sort of vague melancholy, which made the world recede a bit. Now that I’d been without it, I recognized it as the odd numbing sense of distance between me and the world, like I was reaching to it through plastic wrap, or wrapped up in thick, stiffling, wool.

“Death Toll on the Rise, Police Fear Looming Gang War” the morning paper had announced. The article had detailed several homicides from the last two weeks alone. No one I knew. Not yet.

It shouldn’t have surprised me when I noticed the brightly colored flyers that appeared all over the school one morning. But the bright pink and black flyers still caught me off guard, because of one potentially terrifying word, spelled out in big, overly cheerful lettering (in which I suspected the hand of Jessica).

“Only 3 weeks to PROM!” the poster’s exclaimed.

“A Night to Remember!’ Don’t miss Fork’s High School’s Senior Prom. Saturday, June 3rd! Tickets for sale at lunch in the cafeteria!"

I stared at the posters, cheeks hot and throat dry.

“Bella!” said a soft, but cheerful and welcoming voice beside me. I spun around, blush deepening.

“Do you think you’ll go? Ben and I are so excited, and I know Jessica is already making a list of possible dates!" Angela asked, smiling at my flustered face.

“Oh, um, well. Dancing you know…"

“Of course,” she replied, comprehension clear on her face. “But you should come you know, senior year and all. And I think your boyfriend would like it."

“Jacob?”

Would Jacob like it? I had not considered that. The only time I’d danced with Jacob had been when he was still an awkward, non-supernatural human. Plus he’d been delivering a warning he didn’t understand. And I’d been dating--

It was almost an afterthought to push aside the thought of his name now. A familiar ripple of pain across a familiar worn path in my brain. Funny how it was almost comforting, compared to the thoughts I’d been keeping company with lately. At least he was, as far as I knew, safe.

“Bella? Bella? Are you alright?” Angela touched my shoulder gently.

“What? Yes! I…I never thought about it before, prom." Jake, smiling down at me. Holding me, Saving me.

Jake, dying for me.

“Well, no need to worry too much about it. But think about it?"

“Yeah,” I said, sounding vague and ditzy to myself. “I, um, gotta go."

Angela smiled and patted me on the shoulder.

-----

Two days later I slumped down on the couch at Emily's feeling exhausted. All aside from the possibility of impending disaster, figuring out what to do after graduation was looming more and more eminently. I hadn't applied to any colleges, or even spent anytime thinking about the future since even before the Cullens had left. And now that I was thinking again, it seemed clear that that had been a bad idea. I was tired, and the thought that if Victoria had her way it wouldn’t matter what I planned, was panic inducing rather than relieving, which was at least proof that I wasn’t totally lost.

“-Bella?” I heard, coming out of my unhappy reverie.

“Huh? Sorry...."

“I was just wondering if everything was okay. You seem distracted.” Emily looked concerned and I wondered if she knew as much about me as I knew about her, and thought she probably did.

“I just…” my eyes were stinging. I pushed away my more painful worries and instead asked “Do you think Jake wants me to ask him to prom?” It sounded so stupid.

“Prom?” Emily blinked at me, surprised.

“You know, dancing, badly decorated gyms…” I mumbled, feeling more and more foolish. “I’m not really a dance kind of person...but do you think...I thought maybe Jake might want…would he like it?”

Emily’s face softened, and she smiled encouragingly.

“I think Jake would love to go to prom with you, Bella. But I think he’d also love to not go with you.”

My face felt so hot. Why couldn’t I ever stop blushing?

“I know they’ve been busy, and that you’re worried, Bella. But you know he loves you.”

I nodded. Yes, I knew. The fears I’d entertained about imprinting, or my persistent sense of inferiority had been pushed to the background, and it gave me an odd clarity.

If I wasn’t so selfish, so needy, would I be able to push him away, to get him out of my life, of the fight? I wouldn’t. And I knew it.

And the worst part was, that I was glad that it was too late anyway, that Victoria would come and the wolves would fight no matter what I did.

No part of me was ready to say goodbye to Jacob Black. And if it came down to it. If I needed to say cutting things in order to keep him safe, like I had an infinite year ago to Charlie, well, I was pretty sure I couldn’t do it.

A tentative, gentle hand on my arm pulled me back to the present yet again.

“I think I hear them coming back.” A benediction and a curse.

Sure enough, a moment later the door banged open and four boys stomped in, laughing and shoving and taking up much more room than seemed possible.

It was a comforting distraction. It was hard to feel as afraid when they were here, filling up the kitchen, seemingly without fear, enormous and healthy.

Sam, sweeping in, his usually serious face collapsing into a boyish grin as he swept across the room to Emily.

Paul, making a beeline for the food, only pausing to wink at me, to tug one of Kim’s braids.

Quil, making a ridiculous bow and then sweeping me up into a bear hug.

And Jake, growling, but his eyes smiling, as he pulled me out of Quil’s arms, into his own.

“I’m not a doll, you know.” I protested, not upset in the slightest, raising my face for a kiss.

“Sure, sure, Bells,” he murmurs, bringing his burning lips down to mine.

Suddenly I was not out of step with the world, even if it was just for this moment.

I pushed my head into Jake’s warm shoulder. Even though he was the person I was most worried about, in moments like this I still felt like somehow...I felt safe.

---

“Do you want to go to Senior Prom?” I asked, out of the blue, blush safely concealed by the dark of my truck’s interior. I felt Jake look over in surprise, but kept looking straight ahead, eyes on the road serving as an excellent excuse to not melt in embarrassment.

“You want to go to prom?” he laughed, “Bella Swan, who hates crowds, dancing, and dressing up?”

“Well,” No. That was  the truth, so it doesn’t make any sense why I’ve asked. Except, they’d wanted so badly for her to go, last year, even with my leg in a cast. It made them happy, having me do normal things, even if I grumbled and complained.

I wanted to make Jacob happy. Wanted to give him all the happy memories he might want, just in case…

It felt like all the air had been violently sucked from the truck’s interior, like I might collapse in on myself, like a dying star. But I’ve had a lot of practice now, and I don’t want Jacob to know how I’m slipping to being...damaged again, so I managed to hold still enough that my hands barely shook, and when I gripped the steering wheel tighter, they couldn’t even do that.

“Bella…” Jacob murmured, gently. “If-if you want to go…”

I blew out a breath.

“I don’t Jacob, I just thought...you’re right, prom is kind of my least favorite things all rolled up together, but I thought...something romantic...you might...want...”

Oh crap, this was humiliating. What was I even saying?

Jacob laughed though, looking pleased instead of confused or annoyed.

“Awww, that’s sweet Bells.” he grinned at me, and I wanted to turn my head to look more fully at that grin, but familiarity with the limits of my own driving skills kept my eyes (mostly) on the road.

“You’re a jerk” But the tight discomfort in my chest fades.

“Tell you what,” he slings an arm across my shoulders. Holy crow his arms are long.

“Let’s do something that night. Just the two of us, or we can do something with the pack, or with your friends. But we won’t go to the dance. We’ll spare the town of Forks that much at least.”

I’m too pleased with this new scenario to care about the teasing. “Like a date?”

He’s grinning again, and just for a moment I turn to bask in that glow.

“Yeah, like a date. It’s about time, right?”

—

The warmth of that moment dispelled the half-gloom I had been stuck in, at least for the evening.

I saw something imperceptible relax in Charlie’s face at dinner, and I knew that he’d noticed.

I went to bed humming, hoping that this was one of those nights when Jake would sneak in during his patrol, waking me up in his arms.

Naturally, this was the night my nightmare came back.

It was dark, but not full night dark, more like a deep in the forest dark. I knew, somehow, that a battle was going on somewhere, in the distance. I needed to get there. To protect them.

A growl, behind me, and I spun. I recognized that growl.

“Jake?”

“Isabella”

I turned back and an angel was standing in front of me.

“Edward!” He smiled his angel’s smile and something in my heart (still) leapt.

“You shouldn’t trust them Bella. They’re animals. They can’t control themselves.”

“Who?”

The growl again, and this time when I turned A familiar red-brown wolf was there, muzzle curled back, teeth as long as my forearm.

“It’s for your own good.”

“Wha-“

“Bella” the wolf said, gasping and broken for a moment, somehow speaking human words without moving his muzzle. Still snarling at Edward, Who snarls back a lion’s roar.

Hurtling toward each other, with death in their eyes.

A too loud crash. Blood.

Jacob, falling.

“Edward, no!”

I jerked awake, panting, swallowing a scream.

There was someone in the room.

Before I knew what I was doing I was cringing back, curling my legs under myself. Preparing to- to run? Jump out the window?

Yes. Outside, away from Charlie. Away. Jake would find me.

Large hands caught me as I leapt. I started automatically, fruitlessly, to twist.

“Bella - Jesus. What are you doing? Bella!”

“Jacob?” I relaxed marginally, then all the way as he pulled me into his warm chest. I curled into him. Safe.

And started crying.

“Bella, shh, you’ll wake Charlie. It’s okay, shh, I’ve got you. Just don’t want to be murdered, Bella”

He kept up a stream of comforting nonsense, mixed with my name, his hand stroking down my back.

I raised my still probably splotchy tear streaked face to look at his. Reassuring myself that he was real, and here.

There was something in his eyes, something broken.

“Jacob? What’s wrong?”

He blinked down at me, shakes his head.

When he looked at me again, his eyes were clear of whatever I saw before.

He scowled,  still gently stroking one hand down my back.

“What were you thinking Bella?”

“Thinking? About what?”

Oh right, my aborted leap for the window.

“Someone was here. But I didn’t see you. I thought- I thought- ” I’d barely been thinking, the combination of the dream, the shock of feeling myself not alone.

I pulled Jacob more firmly to me, with all my pathetic strength.

“Can you stay?” I asked, pressing my face into his chest to hide my blushing. Even though what I was asking was totally innocent.

He sighed  against me, and seemed to sag a bit. All the wolves were getting tired, with this endless high alert.

“Yeah… I’ll stay.”

He moved easily toward the bed, lowering us both down, and the relief was so great that I no longer even felt embarrassed.

I was already drifting off, curled firmly into Jacob, still holding onto him, like I could keep him safe from my nightmares.

“I love you, Bella.” He murmured, and there was something, something I was missing…

“Love you” I sighed, and fell asleep.

—

When the sun made one of it’s rare, full appearances in Forks and La Push, it was hard to remember to feel worried, or haunted by nightmares.

I woke up as the sun was rising, completely warm, and with only the fading traces of pleasant dreams.

I was curled against Jacob’s side, in a way that should have been strange, but wasn’t, knees resting against his thigh, my hands curled between my chest and his side, and my forehead resting against his rib cage. I could feel his arm resting behind me, by the radiating heat.

I tilted my head up to look at his face, still relaxed in sleep, bathed in the unusually bright morning sun.

I’d told Jacob before that he was sort of beautiful, but in truth that was an understatement. I’d always found his skin beautiful, not only because it was a warm, sun-kissed rich brown, even in the gloomy La Push weather, so different from (and therefore interesting compared to) my own nearly translucent pale. But it was also so smooth and even (heaven forbid a supernatural creature ever suffer a pimple or dry skin). His face was a bit too broad, as was his nose, and his wide mouth and soft lips a bit too generous for the classic Hollywood beauty Edward had possessed. His high cheekbones could have made his face look stern, especially in combination with his straight nose, and his thick, dark eyebrows, but in contrast with his lush mouth and luminous skin, they made him breathtaking. It was a face made for emotion - meant to be laughing, talking, or as I’d realized lately- looking at me in the intent way that made my face flame and heat curl inside me.  

But then again, I was in love with him.

I knew when other people saw Jacob these days, they saw his body - ridiculously tall, prematurely mature, supernaturally muscled, usually shirtless- I ran a hand up his chest to cover his heart.

I forgot sometimes, or took for granted, how beautiful he was. Because he’d brought so much beauty into my life that had nothing to do with the strength of his arms and abs, or the masculine beauty of his face.

“Mm. Bella?” he mumbled sleepily, blinking his eyes at me in sleepy affection, their deep brown a shade or two darker than my own.

I leaned up to press my mouth against his. The dream the night before and this perfect morning stirred something in me, between peace and desperation.

His hand curled around my back.

“Good morning, Jacob” I said against his lips, propping myself up to brace against his chest.

His chest rumbled under my hand with laughter.

He picked me up, and sat my on his stomach.

“You can say that again, Bells. Watch out, I could get used to this kind of morning.”

“Me too”

I wanted him. I blushed hard at the thought but there it was.

I leaned down over him, pressing my lips to his chest. It was so warm, his heart beat strong and true.

Jake’s body stiffened beneath me and he closed his eyes like he was in pain.

His hands ran up my legs to squeeze my hips (such as they were) and he sighed.

Several interesting parts of me went up in flames.

I groaned and dropped my head against his chest.

“We can’t do this, Jake. Charlie.”

“I’m not doing anything, Bella, this is all you.” he chuckled again.  I kissed his chest again.

He sucked in a breath and his fingers spasmed against my hips. I smiled in satisfaction, not lifting my head.

“Charlie’s not here. Maybe he had an early shift?” He was still laughing at me.

I kissed him again, sliding lower on his body, until his hands caught me.

My brief fear of rejection was squashed by the look in his eyes.

He lifted me up as if I weighed nothing, my legs dangling down to the mattress on either side of him.

“Don’t you have to go to school?”

“Oh, shoot! What time is it?” I squirmed until he put me down, then promptly rolled off the bed.

“Ow!”

Now he was definitely laughing at me. He sat up and peered down at me. It really wasn’t fair that almost everyone I hung out with was supernaturally graceful.

“You okay, Bells?”

“Shut up, Jake.” I had about half an hour.

“Don’t you have to go to school too?” he stretched, sliding out of bed and rolling his neck and shoulders.

“Yeah, yeah. Guess I should. Sam’s got me on patrol tonight. Again.”

“You won’t be in trouble for staying with me last night, will you?”

“Nah. I was done when I came by anyway.”

I pulled clothes out of drawers blindly, and remembered just in time that I couldn’t change while Jacob was in my room.

But I didn’t want him to believe this little bubble of safety and happiness we’d woken up to.

“Stay.” I told him, ducking out of my room to the bathroom, grateful to the gods of police department scheduling who’d gotten Charlie out of the house at the right time, yet again.

Jake’s laughter followed me to the bathroom.

We didn’t have time for anything fancy for breakfast. But Jacob happily bolted down the jumbo bowl of cereal I put in front of him, while I ate my own more modest portion.

He drove me to school (in my truck), despite my half-hearted insistence that he leave for his own school day.

So when I stumbled into first period, with just 5 minutes to spare, it was warm and still blushing from a breathless kiss he’d given me in the parking lot before melting into the forest.

Jessica smirked at me as I slid into my seat. I tried to bite back my smile. Smiling too much in pre-calc was never a good idea.

“Morning, Bella. You look happy today. Was that Jacob dropping you off for school?” Angela asked, too innocently. I tried to muster a glare.

“He stopped by this morning...yeah.”

“Oh my God!” Jessica replied, in a restrained shriek.

“Shhh”

“I really want to hate you sometimes, Bella Swan. Are you bringing him to prom? Can he bring some friends, preferably ones that look like him?” Apparently she and Mike were off again. He threw a disgruntled look at her, which she didn’t notice.

I laughed, imagining the chaos of the La Push pack descending on the Forks High prom.

“I think we’re going to do something else, just the two of us, or with some of his friends from La Push.”

“WhA-” but her exclamation was mercifully cut off, by the start of class.

It resumed promptly after, and continued, with more restrained but still supportive input from Angela.

“I think the kids from La Push are allowed to come, as long as they buy tickets, I think they have to be invited by someone from Forks.”

“Yeah, there was like totally a lawsuit or something.”

“I’ll ask Jake and maybe the others. But I hate dancing, and I hate dressing up, and I hate you guys.” I grumbled, walking into last period. They froze for a moment, looking at me.

“Did Bella make a joke, Ang?”

“She really did.”

“Haha.”

---

[solarflarefanfiction]

Solar Flare 5

AN: I know Bella is very emotional, but she is 17, and despite what she thinks, she’s highly emotional, coming out of a deep depression, and has an understandable fear of being abandoned.

---

“Jake” the cold night air blowing against my overheated skin tickled against my skin as if I’d been shot through with electricity.

I heard harsh breathing and realized Jacob was not gone, just standing beside the truck, bent over with his hands on his knees and breathing heavily as if he’d just run a very long way.

“Jake!” I scrambled over the seat, banging my knee against the gear shift, and almost tumbling head first out of the cab in my haste.

I reached out a hand, wanting to rest it against his back, see if he was alright. But had I hurt him in some way?

“Jake! Are you okay?” I asked instead, hand half extended.

“You-You didn’t stop me,” Jake said, sounding breathless. He grasped my hand and stood up. His face was flushed, and flushed further when he glanced over at me.

“Stop you from what?” I climbed back into the truck and felt Jake’s hand briefly brushed my hip, as if to steady me.

He was blushing heavily as he climbed in after me, his eyes still glancing at me and away.

“Stop me from—“ He blew out a breath “What we were doing. Bella, you were fine with that? With me- with us…”

Now I was blushing deeply as well, my face atomically hot in a way much less pleasant than the fire that had swept through me before.

“You don’t want…”

He laughed suddenly putting a hand over his face.

“Bells, what part of that felt like me not wanting you?” He ran his hand through his now short hair, as if he’d forgotten that it was now close shorn.

“But you…”

“God, that was—are you trying to kill me?” He laughed again and turned the car back on.

“I don’t understand” I whined, hating myself for doing so.

“Bella…did you really want our first time to be…that?”

Now I flushed anew, in a whole new shade of humiliated.

The truth was, it hadn’t occurred to me where what we were doing might lead. I had been pure feeling; I’d been running on instinct and heat and want.

“I’m sorry,” I said chastened. Why hadn’t I stopped, even thought of stopping? Why had it always been Edward who pulled away, who had never been carried away, had worried about virtue and taking things slow?

Was it something about me? That I got out of control, like some kind of crazy virgin nympho? Or was it that I just wanted him, wanted them, much much more than-

“Bells, no, don’t cry.” Jake looked over at me, alarmed, pulling over the car once again, to reach and pull me across the seat toward him again.

With my face against his shoulder (when had he put his shirt back on?) I felt better and worse, and perversely, my tears fell freely.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…” I cried, nonsensically, while he awkwardly stroked his hand down my back.

“Bells, I’m not mad!” he said desperately. “I thought you would be! I just grabbed you! I practically mauled you! I was surprised you didn’t slap me, push me away. Now that I know you’ve never…never…” he broke off, blushing. “Shit. I want to to be different for us, is all, the first time at least.”

My tears were drying rapidly, my heart lifting absurdly. I was being so so stupid. Assuming the worst. Jacob wasn’t…him. He’d promised to never ever leave me. He loved me. He loved me.

“Really?”

Jacob sighed in apparent relief. “Of course. Jeez, Bells, I love you.”

“I love you too, Jake.”

I peeked up, conscious that my face must be terribly splotchy and red. But we was looking at me with such a look, such a beautiful look. I couldn’t look away.

He coughed finally, looked back at the road.

“So, can I drive you home now? I’d rather not risk Charlie’s wrath tonight.”

“Just tonight?” I teased, leaning against him. I’d been stupid, but I couldn’t really regret it now, filled with relief.

He looked at me, heat in his eyes, the same heat that had stroked its way up my body just minutes before.

“Gotta save up my credit with him while I have a chance Bella.” He grinned at her. “So try not to look too teary when you see him. I don’t want him to think I screwed up. Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he’s gotten a bit more protective lately.

I laughed, wiping my eyes.

“You’d think he’d be used to me falling apart by now.”

“As someone who loves you, Bells, it’s not something you get used to.”

I reached over to pat his hand. “Thanks Jake”

He smiled, “Now, now. we can’t get started again. Keep those hands to yourself, Bells. I know I’m irresistible, but- “

“You are, you know. Irresistible.”

“Ah, come on, you’re making me blush.” But he glanced over and gave me one of the smiles that made me feel like I’d been filled with bubble bath.

It was enough that, when I got home, with my bag of purchases, and now in a kind of breathless good cheer, Charlie was apparently unworried.

If he saw any lingering redness around my eyes, well, he knew better than to ask.

The incident with Jacob started me thinking though.

The way he said, “us,” “our first time,” “when we,” he was talking about the future. Our future. A future in which we made love, and stayed together.

A future in which Edward really never came back.

A future where I moved on?

I knew it was odd. I loved Jake. It was probably too fast, too strange. The Cullens had left, and I’d been gutted for months.

Now I was in love with Jake, part of the pack. How long had I been in love with Jake?

But I still wasn’t making plans for the future. Not really. I’d forgotten how to think about the future.

I’d fought with Edward about going to college, about going to prom. What did those things matter, when I was going to be a vampire. I was going to have forever to go to college, to do everything.

Except I wasn’t.

Edward didn't love me. He'd left, forever. He hadn't wanted my love.

Jake loved me. And I loved him, despite everything that had happened. I loved him enough to want the future that i had left to be with him.

Things couldn’t go on this way. Falling apart, taking Jake with me. I needed to really decide to get better.

Easier said than done.

I needed a plan.

____

It sounded simpler than it was. I’d suffered a loss, a major blow, which had crushed both my heart, and my plans for the rest of my life.

But still.

I’d been in a fog for months. I’d almost died, and I hadn’t cared. I still felt afraid, so afraid, that I would lose Jacob too, and without him once again spiral off into the darkest parts of my mind and heart.

I couldn’t keep spiraling though, clinging to Jacob because I couldn’t bear to be alone, falling apart at each minor hiccough or potential set back. It would be like drowning him to save myself, and he would let me do it. He'd go down with me, fighting my demons when I couldn't or wouldn't until it destroyed him.

I couldn't quite think up a whole brilliant plan forgot to fix myself. But I figured out step one.

say goodbye

Which brought me to this lonely, almost invisible lane early the next Saturday morning, sitting with the car off, just out of sight of the grand house in the woods that had once been everything I wanted.

This is a bad idea Bella. Go home.

Oddly calm, I looked to the side and saw him.

Angelic and flawless he looked as if he were sitting beside me.

I hadn't seen hallucination Edward in a few weeks, likely by dint of spending few of my waking hours alone, and no longer indulging in my pursuit of self-destruction.

He was beautiful, and it hurt to look at him and remember all of my dreams. To remember that I still loved him. It turned out you could love two people at once.

But...it was bearable, somehow. Maybe because I'd been making a new life for myself, maybe because I'd simply adjusted to the pain.

Don’t worry. You’re human--your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind. (New Moon 72)

It was one of the things he'd said that still haunted me. As if i was cursed with this sense that if ever I regained some semblance of peace and happiness I was proving that he'd been right. That I hadn't been able to love him enough for him to stay.

I turned away from Edward, and turned the car back on, continued down the little lane until I pulled up in front of the Cullen house.

It hurt.

If I had hoped that magically- and with the help of Jacob, but also Kim, Leah, Emily, Embry, Quil, Seth, even Paul, Jared, and Sam--that my pain had gone away, well,  it hadn’t, of course.

Here, all alone in front of this place that represented more than almost any other what I had lost, here the pain was still a burning wound.

I was stronger now though. I didn’t turn away and run. I didn’t fall to the ground. I stared at the big, empty house, now quiet and abandoned. It still looked more haunted now than it ever had when it was full of vampires.

“Hello, Edward.” Alice. Jasper. Carlisle. Esme. Emmett. Rosalie. I thought of them too, the strange, beautiful family I’d thought for one beautiful summer would be mine.

“I miss you. It’s isn’t like you said. It isn’t easy to move on.” I was holding myself, like always. Clutching my hands around my rib cage, as if it would keep me from falling apart, or collapsing.

“I wouldn’t have moved on, if you’d stayed. I would have been with you. Even as a human.” my lips barely moved, I felt like I was freezing from the inside out. But my voice still sounded so loud in the empty clearing, with only this vacant house to hear.

“I didn’t try and stay safe. How could you make me promise to be safe? You knew I would promise you anything.” I was so glad I’d broken those promises, and it was strange how that bitter joy sat in the middle of all my pain.

“I did it to break my promise” but that wasn't totally true.

"I did it for you, to feel close to you. But…I did it for me too. And now…I didn’t mean to move on Edward. But…”

The next part of what I want to say still felt like sacrilege “It wasn’t fair, Edward. How could I prove you right and move on? You left because I was too weak, I know. I wanted to prove you wrong.”

“Forever is a long time, though. Even if it isn’t as long as I thought it was going to be.”

My lips were cold and stiff now, and I couldn't get any more words out. That was okay. None of them were really good enough.

I took a shaky step toward the front steps, then another.

Soon I was sitting on the front steps, looking at my truck and the woods beyond. And I was all right.

I sighed around the pain in my chest. How could you say goodbye to people who didn’t want your goodbyes?

Now, when I was waiting for him to appear, my phantom Edward was nowhere to be seen, and it was just me and my memories.

My tears were warm as they splashed onto my freezing arms.

I let myself cry without holding back, or feeling guilty, or pretending I didn't feel anything.

It felt like goodbye. It felt like I would drown. Again.

I sat for a long time, as the sun rose higher in the sky and finally poured full force over the front of the house.

I was stiff from sitting on the hard stairs for so long, and shaky with a mix of too much crying and most likely hunger.

But I was all cried out, and it felt weirdly good. There was relief, rather than the dark never-ending despair I only half-remembered from the time right after Cullens left, or the blank emptiness that followed.

I should go home. See Jacob. My heart was lighter now, though I hadn't done anything but cry over the same pain that’d been bothering me months.

Oh, but there was one more thing I needed to do.

I didn’t really have any Edward keepsakes. He’d made sure of that when he left.

I had the wreck of the speaker I’d pried out of my truck. It didn’t have many Edward memories tied to it (which was probably why he hadn’t take it with him). I’d decided to bury that here, because I needed to be rid of it. Seeing it, all I could remember was the desperate pain I’d felt as i clawed it out of my truck in the first, terrible days after they left. Frantic but tearless, like a wild creature.

But I’d found something real to bury here, to bury with this dead version of my future.

It was my prom dress from last year.

I retrieved the trash bag with the torn up speaker, my pretty, still not me, dress - now tucked in an old shoe box, and a spade I’d dug out of Charlie’s garage.

Luckily, the dirt in Esme’s garden was soft, and easy to dig, because I wasn’t so caught up in my plan as to relish unglamorous hole digging.

Still crouching in the dirt and placing that sad, beautiful, totally wrong prom dress at the top of the little grave felt right. Piling the dirt on top of the box and patting it down until you couldn’t even tell where the hole had been was satisfying and physical.

Goodbye Bella...Cullen

It still hurt to think that, the most forbidden of my forbidden thoughts. But it was true, that was who I was burying. That idea of the beautiful, perfect, vampire me. The me who would keep Edward for a thousand lifetimes.

“Owoooooooooo” A howl in the distance pulled me out of my reverie.

“Jacob?” I asked no one at all. It was absurd to think that I could distinguish his howl from the others, let alone from what sounded like miles distance. But even so, as I heard a second howl answer the first, I was sure it was Jacob.

Was he in trouble? What if the vampires had attacked?

“Jacob!!”

I scrambled to my car, brushing my dirty hands on my jeans and flinging myself into the driver’s seat, fingers shaking and fumbling with the keys. The old truck seemed to take forever to start up, and I turned it too quickly, almost fishtailing out of control before I’d gone anywhere.

My phone rang as I was barreling up the Cullens’ long drive, but I couldn’t answer it without crashing the car, and so I ignored it, instead turning, too quickly, onto the highway, heading for La Push, and hopefully, if not Jacob, at least one werewolf who could tell me what was going on.

The empty highway seemed ominous, even though I knew the stretch from Forks to La Push was never high-traffic. I couldn’t focus on anything like speed limits, not that my truck would be winning any speed awards anyway. I jumped whenever I thought I saw something in the forest beside me, and the truck jumped too, almost swerving off the road a couple times.

It seemed to take hardly anytime, and also much too long, before I was pulling up in front of Emily’s house - where I’d driven without consciously choosing my destination.

“Jacob?!” I cried, in a stumbling run toward the front door.

“Bella,” two voices said, almost as one. Emily was coming out the front door to her house, looking concerned and confused. And Leah was striding out of the forest, looking relieved and annoyed.

She was also naked, and I shot my eyes back to Emily, feeling my face heat up.

“Leah, did something happen to Jacob?” Emily asked, coming towards me with concern to grasp my shoulders and hold me upright.

“Bella!” Leah repeated. “What's wrong? Where the fuck have you been?”

“I was—I heard the howling, was it Jacob? I thought—something must have happened, so I just came here. Emily, where’s Sam? Where is Jacob?”

Emily looked more concerned now “There was a distress call, from Jacob. I don’t—Leah?”

I followed her gaze back to Leah, keeping my eyes trained on her angry face.

“The distress call was for Bella. Somehow, someone slipped through our patrol. And when Jake went to the house to check in—you were gone, had been gone for hours. No fresh leech smell, no sign of a struggle. But gone.”

A car was pulling up, recognizable as Jared’s, with Kim looking a bit pale in the front seat.

I turned to look for a split second and out of the corner of my eye saw Leah explode back into a wolf and give one more howl.

Jared, halfway through scooping Kim out of the car, slowed, setting her on her feet beside him and taking her hand to gently tow here toward Emily and me.

“What’s up guys? I heard the call, but I had to go get Kim. False alarm?”

“It looks that way.” Emily sighed, dropping her hands from my arms and smiled tentatively.

“It sounds like we’re about to have more company. Why don’t we all go inside.”

Kim, looking dazed, widened her eyes at me in question. I shrugged.

Jacob hadn’t actually thought I was missing, had he?

Leah was the first to follow us in. She’d thrown on a long, loose cotton dress, and stalked in as if in full battle armor.

“I repeat: What. The. Fuck.” She said, glaring at me.

“I don’t understand! I just went…to run an errand. I didn’t sneak out! I didn’t think anyone would worry! I’m fine!”

Leah gave me a measuring look, then blew out a breath, looking calmer.

“So what you’re saying is, Jake’s an idiot?”

Jared snorted, dropping heavily on the couch, which made a creaking protest, next to Kim, an arm draping over her narrow shoulders.

“Nothing new, then. Now what?”

“Now, I guess I break out the emergency rations.” Emily seemed to have regained her calm, and headed for the garage. Kim perked up, snapping out of her apparent confusion.

“Ooh! I’ll help, do you have any blueberry? I’m starving!”

"But, Jake--"

Leah snorted. "Oh, he's coming, don't worry. They all are. In fact-"  She tilted her head, scowl deepening, then turned back to the door.

A moment later I heard it too, the unmistakable sound of Jacob, bellowing in anger and pain.

"BELLA! Bella! Damn it, Sam, get off me! I know what Leah said! Bella!"

"Jake!" As always, his pain called to me, and I hurried toward the door, only to find Leah immovable, blocking my exit. She flung the door open, but shook her head and block me when I tried to duck around her.

"No. He's not in control. Idiot."

"Bella!" Jake shouted, striding unbelievably quickly toward me, looking like a storm cloud and shaking all over. "Where the hell were you!? Are you allright?"

"Leah, it's fine, let me go." She didn't. Jake saw and his face darkened with fresh anger.

"I'm fine Jacob- I just was running errands!"

Sam and Paul, who I'd paid no attention to, stepped in front of Jacob as he stepped toward the steps up to Emily's.

"Get the fuck out of my way Sam." Jacob snarled.  Literally, it was a sound not meant to come out of a human throat.

I made a failed attempt to duck around Leah and saw Embry and Quil lope up to flank Jake, smiling but looking nervous and placating.

"It looks like she's fine, Jake, you saw what Leah showed us. Now just take a breath. You'll scare her." Embry smoothed. Quilt seemed less calm, shaking slightly himself, in that unsettling way the wolves all did when they were in danger of changing.

"It's fine, I'm not-" I tried to interject, but several things happened nearly simultaneously: Jacob's hand shot out and he shoved Embry, hard enough to send the smaller (well, less giant) boy flying back across the drive, narrowly missing impacting with my truck. Quil danced back several feet and exploded into a wolf, narrowly missing stepping on Seth, who'd been hanging back, uncertainly, causing Leah to curse and burst away from the doorway toward her brother.

"Enough!" Sam ordered sharply. "Jacob, you need to focus. You are not going into that house if you are in danger of shifting."

A hand dropped onto my shoulder and I started.

"Not so fast, Bella" I could feel the tension humming through Jared, but his face and voice were mild and calm. "Jake won't thank us if you run out there and he really does lose it."

Jacob was glaring between Sam, Paul, and Jared. He looked suddenly at me, face unreadable, and then cursed, and dropped his hands to his knees and took several deep breaths, shuddering, but moving toward normal human movement. The werewolves and I (and Kim and Emily too) all watched silently for a moment. Quil lay down with his head between him massive paws, and Embry limped to sit on the front step, scowling, but not looking seriously angry. Leah dragged her brother toward the house, glaring at Jake.

After only a minute, though it seemed much longer, Jacob was just bent over, hands braced on his knees, no longer breathing hard, or shaking as if he was bursting at the seams.

Jared relaxed fractionally, letting go of my shoulder and I darted forward toward Jake, tripping down the stairs with no control, but miraculously on my feet, I flung myself at him, arms extended. He caught me and held me for a too-brief moment, and I could feel the echo of his recent fear.

"What happened Jake? Why did you think I was missing? Did she come near the Charlie's house again?"

"Where in the hell were you Bella?"

"I just had to run some errands?" I repeated what now somehow felt like a very lame excuse, still bewildered. "I didn't think--"

Jake held me back at arm's length and frowned down at me.

"So you just snuck out, not letting anyone know, not warning anyone, for some errands?" He demanded. Like I'd purposely avoided him.

Well, I was glad that nobody was around to follow me. That was private.

It wasn't fair. I could feel tears building up somewhere deep down, but it wasn't fair. Why should I feel bad? I didn't want to worry Jake, or any of the wolves. But I wasn't some prisoner, or a helpless child.

"I didn't sneak!" Not a great comeback, admittedly, but it felt good, in a way I couldn't place.

"Well, you didn't tell anyone where you were going--"

"I didn't know I wasn't allowed to leave my own house without your permission."

One of the wolves, who of course we're all still there, inhaled in a pained sounding sympathy.

"We are trying to protect you, in case you haven't noticed!"

"In case you haven't noticed, I've never complained, and I appreciate you doing so much, risking yourselves, hunting Victoria..." I was losing the initial flush of my anger, recalling all the sacrifices the wolves, most of them my age or younger, were making for me. Tears of frustration were burning in my eyes. Why could I never fight for myself?

Because you need him to love you.

I glared Jacob, with the most sincere anger I could manage.

"I came over here as soon as I heard the howls. I was worried about you, you jerk!"

"We tried to call you," Leah said, in a carefully neutral tone from the steps.

I remembered my phone ringing and colored.

"I was driving over. I couldn't answer without crashing the car, I was driving too fast."

Leah nodded, and I realized what the movement I’d seen out of the corner of my eye had been.

“Yeah, that’s true. She was a menace on the road. Almost crashed like 5 times.”

A huffing laugh came from one of the other wolves, as Jacob closed his eyes as if in great pain.

"Jeez, Bells, you are going to be the death of me."

I half-glared, confused now that the tension was quickly dissipating.

Jake sighed and shook himself, looking at me with a less certain glower.

"You should have left a note or something."

I scowled at him, despite feeling like the world was righting itself.

"You could have called me before jumping to conclusions." I paused, noticing how tired Jake looked now that he was no longer furious.

I reached out a tentative hand, pausing just for a moment in hesitation before I grasped his.

"I'm sorry I scared you, Jake.”

He ran a hand over his head, in that way that always tugged at my heart, because it meant he’d forgotten again  that he’d cut all his beautiful hair off.

“Yeah, well, I guess I could’ve…” he trailed off, looking uncertain and weary. He would have always over reacted. Who knew better than me, except perhaps the pack, how absolutely deadly the vampires could be.?

I stepped forward hesitantly, placing my hands over his still tense arms.

“Nothing is going to happen to me, Jake.”

He pulled me toward him and wrapped his arms around me.

“Shh. Don’t jinx it, Bells.” His voice had a smile in it now though.

“You don’t believe in jinxes” I poked him in the side.

“I might start.”

“Jerk” But I was feeling pretty unjinxed as he tugged my toward the house, and the telltale smell of warm muffins and family.

[solarflarefanfiction]

Solar Flare 4.5

Chapter 4.5

AN: Sorry for the half chapter, I’d added on to Chapter 4, without remembering to update the chapter. To save some confusion I’m posting this separately. I will be posting Chapter 5 shortly (most likely tomorrow).

One request, I would love to find a beta reader, so if anyone happens to be reading this and has any recommendations for me, it would be much appreciated.

I’ve abandoned this story for far too long, life got complicated, blah blah blah, but I intend to finish it now. My apologies.

I’m planning to post this story to AO3, I’ll provide a link when that is up.

-----------

Leah, was, in fact, excellent at shopping, which I had never before considered an actual skill.

I saw an exhausting and bewildering assortment of clothing, in a bewildering range of styles that were bold and garish, and bright and bubbly, and sweet and whimsical, but none of them me.

And what did that even mean?

But Leah somehow would manage to blithely reach through all the mess and clutter and pull out perfectly reasonable clothing.

“Here” she said brusquely, handing me a deep blue top. it was long-sleeved and has little pearly buttons down the front in the same ocean blue color, but otherwise unembellished.

“It’s an extra small. You’re wearing your clothes too big.” Leah tended to become ruder, in direct proportion to whether she was doing something nice at the time. She handed me a pair of soft gray jeans and a soft sweater in a coral color I surprisingly didn’t hate.

Kim smiled at me sympathetically from around her own huge stack of clothes.

A group of loud male laughs caught my attention. My head turned before I consciously recognized what I was hearing.

Jacob.

It was Jacob, with Embry and Quil. Laughing with them in a way that drew the eyes of others in the store, some looking disapproving, some uncomfortable, some smiling along. Trailing behind them was Jared, looking around expectantly.

“Bella.” long fingers snapped impatiently in front of my nose. “Bella.” Leah frowned at me. “Don’t be pathetic. You’ve got to try this stuff on.”

“But Jacob-“

“Is fine, and will be waiting, patiently and without causing a scene, when we get back” Leah scowled over her shoulder. Because of course, Jacob and the others could hear her perfectly well.

I looked at Kim, who sighed, glancing at a now smiling Jared.

Much too long later, arms significantly lighter, but still with a surprising number of clothes, Kim, Leah, and I exited the dressing room to find Jacob, Embry, Quil and Jared, waiting in apparent polite patience, though taking up a surprising amount of space, under the suspicious eye of a middle-aged sales clerk, only partially hidden behind a nearby clothing rack.

“Did you try on the whole store, Bells? We were about 5 minutes from having the cops called on us.” Jacob’s face flashed a brief flash of annoyance, before smiling at me. “You need help with that?”

“I may not be a—w" I flushed and changed words awkwardly “—giant, but I think I can handle it.” I tried to scowl, but ended up grinning back at him.

The saleswoman, looking flustered but still suspicious, hurried back to the counter to ring up Kim’s and my purchases.

As I paid she whispered to me, looking concerned “How old are you? Those men—“ she glanced at Jacob and the other guys in blatant distrust “It’s not right,” she muttered, either to me or to herself.

Startled, I looked over my shoulder at Jacob and his friends. Of course, despite the fact that I was 2 years older than Jake, since his transformation, he looked well into his twenties, while I, in my loose jeans and sweater, likely looked as if I’d barely entered puberty.

“I”m 17. But we all go to school together. They-“

The woman’s face looked stony and disbelieving. But she handed me my receipt and my bags anyway, and turned away from us.

I looked helplessly at Jake, who was now looking thunderous.

I held out my hand and he took it, quickly beginning to pull me toward the exit.

I followed, almost jogging to keep up with his long stride.

“Jake! Jake, slow down, I can’t keep up!”

“Jake, man, wait up.” Embry put a hand on Jacob’s shoulder “Let it go man, you know how we look now. Look at Bella.” Jacob turned and looked at me, eyes looking shuttered and face unhappy. I tried to remember how cheerful he’d looked earlier, unconcerned with the opinions of the other people in the store, especially judgy salespeople.

Do I do this to you Jacob?

Jacob looked at me for a long moment, reaching out his big, gentle hand to slide a finger across my cheekbone.

He turned away again, but fell into a more normal pace beside me, allowing the others to catch up.

“Jesus, Black, I can’t take you anywhere.” Leah gripped, scowling beside Quil, who looked uncomfortable and shaky. Leah had a firm grip on his arm, which seemed to be somehow steadying him.

“Shut up, Leah” Jacob growled back, not turning to look at her.

“Next to you, she looks about 13 right now, and if you keep hauling her around that freaking bitch or someone just like her is going to actually call the cops on you.” Leah, now sounding calm and reasonable.

“Jacob is two years younger than me.” I said, nonsensically.

Embry quirked a quick smile at me over Jake’s shoulder.

Jared and Kim, hand in hand, like me and Jacob, and equally unbalanced size-wise, had caught up now, and Jared patted Jacob on the head, both comforting and teasing.

“Let’s go get some lunch, eh Jakey? We can try to feed up these pipsqueaks.”

He tugged a lock of Kim’s hair and she giggled, mock-punching him in the side. He groaned dramatically in false pain.

Jacob, still at my side, relaxed fractionally, squeezing my hand.

30 minutes later, waiting for 6 large pizzas to arrive at what was definitely going to be too small a table, Jacob was feeling better, but I was not.

Looking at him sitting next to me, now muscular, tall, and looking like the television version of a teenager, rather than an actual one, I felt decidedly small and plain. I had never thought about our relative beauty, the way I did almost constantly with Edward. Jacob, my sort of beautiful, comfortable friend made my blood race now, and when we kissed I went up in flames, but I hadn’t thought much about the kind of couple we made to the outside world.

The store clerk had been wrong about everything. Why was I worrying?

It hadn’t been her “concern,” or the suspicious looks

It was that for the first time since I’d fallen unexpectedly into loving Jacob, I looked at me, and I looked at Jacob, and I wondered what it was that he saw when he looked at me.

And I wondered again about the Imprint.

I wanted it fiercely.

“Earth to Bella, come in Bella.” said a soft voice next to me. Kim nudged my shoulder with hers. We were close in height, and even closer when seated.

“You okay?” she murmured, though of course everyone a the table could hear if they wanted to.

“Yeah,” I murmured back anyway. The others seemed to be caught up in some kind of cheerful argument.

“You’re doing that thing,” she tapped my elbow with one finger, and I realized I was gripping my arms around myself, holding them tightly across my body, as if to hold it together. I consciously forced myself to relax.

“I didn’t notice-I-“ I looked at Jake out of the corner of my eye and saw that despite his apparent cheer he was holding himself too still beside me, and carefully touching not one part of me.

“Thank you” I mouthed at Kim. She smiled encouragingly at me.

I put my hands carefully at my sides, allowing my fingers to brush against Jake’s. He twitched slightly, as if shocked, then his hand fell still beside mine.

Stung, I put my hand over his. My fingers were cold, and his felt like fire by comparison.

Again his hand twitched, then stilled. Feeling embarrassed, though no one was looking at me, I started to withdraw my hand, when suddenly his turned, in one of the lightning fast moved he could make now, and grasped mine.

I smiled at him, and saw him glance at me out of the corner of his eye and smile a little wider, at whatever cheerful insult Leah was spouting at him at the moment.

This had to be enough. This time I couldn’t be so wrong.

After dinner (Jake having eaten a little over one pizza, and myself 2 slices), which had ended up being the odd blend of comforting and fun I’d come to expect from the Pack, the drive back with Jake (who had shamelessly foisted Embry and Quil onto Leah to drive home) was mostly quiet. Jake’s hand lay in my lap, and I held it in both of mine, absently petting it. The rough calluses and long slender fingers seemed fascinating at the moment, as I lulled myself into an almost doze. About half a mile from my house Jacob suddenly turned off the road onto a dark, quiet, and unfamiliar road, then pulled the car over.

“That’s it.” he said, suddenly, sounding loud in the previously silent car

“Wha-“ But before I could finish he’d picked me up, depositing me unceremoniously on his lap, somehow managing not to bang my knees or elbows on any of the doors, or windows.

His mouth crashed down onto mine, as he kissed me as if he was drowning. His mouth was hard against mine, and one hand was in my hair while the other wrapped around me, pulling me into him. His tongue traced along my lips then slid into my opening mouth stroking against mine as his hand ran down through my hair to trail along my shoulder and down to my hip. I gasped, breaking away to breathe, and his lips moved along my cheek, frantically, down the column of my throat like fire.

My hands, which had been frozen by my sides, and trapped by his embrace, pulled free as if of their own volition and were stroking down his shoulder blades, across his biceps, down, along his sides and under his shirt to the burning skin beneath. He was kissing across my shoulder now, one hand pulling at the neck of my sweater. Now he was grazing his teeth along my collarbone, and I felt myself making a long, breathy sigh, as my hands clenched into the muscles of his back, and finally, finally because it felt like forever, he brought his lips back to mine. His hand stole under my shirt, pressing against the bare skin of my back, stroking along my side, a beautiful wave of heat.

His burning hands curving around my back were the only real thing in the world and I was kissing my way down his neck and pulling up his shirt, not wondering what I was doing, not thinking of anything of all. Jake’s shirt hit the back seat, and I ran my fingers down over his chest, across the firm planes of his stomach, feathering along and then shying away from the waistband of his jeans.

His hands tightened around me, his fingers dipped under the band of my bra, brushing with the lightest touch against the curve of my breast. I shifted on his lap, pressing myself forward into to give me room to begin squirming out of my sweater—

Suddenly I was back in my seat and the car was beeping irritably. Jacob’s car door was open.  And he was gone.

My body was burning and shaking, like I’d come suddenly out of a fever.

“Jake?”

[solarflarefanfiction]

Hey so I just stumbled across your Solar Flare series and I absolutely love it!! Are you going to continue it by any chance?

Hello, sorry for the delay in response but yes. Life was quite chaotic for a couple years, but I’ve been working on completing this, not wanting to post just a chapter and then drop it again. I’m about 9 chapters in, and counting. I’ll try and post at least one update by year’s end! Thanks so much for your interest!

[solarflarefanfiction]

Solar Flare Four

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga. Recognizable elements of this fanfiction belong properly to Stephanie Meyer.  

Over the next couple weeks, I did my best to act normal, while inside I was panicking big time. Jacob didn’t bring up imprinting again, apparently hoping I’d let it go, or else had forgotten in the haze of sleep the monumental question I’d asked him. The monumental question to which he’d had no answer.

 In all areas, excepting the possibility of another encroaching romantic and existential crisis, my life was going remarkably well. I’d never been on friendly terms with so many people. My school friends, even Jessica, had cautiously begun to include me in the lunchroom chatter, and pre-class pleasantries, which was enough to make school bearable. Classes, if not always challenging, once again penetrated my no longer absent conscious mind and I continued to get good grades.

 My life outside school was most remarkable for it’s lack of resemblance to my former habits. I had always been a loner, shy and awkward, and also reserved and serious, rather than outgoing and fun loving. All of this had made it only natural that I had never had a great number of friends.

 Now, somehow, the pack was making that mysterious transition from Jacob’s friends, who took care of me, and put up with me for his sake, to people who I knew and cared about. And who just maybe cared about me back.

 It was Wednesday, and having finished our homework, I was chatting with Kim about the second book in a series we’d both been reading. It was a different sort of book than I usually read, despite its reputed “fantasy” genre, which were fun and engrossing, if I sometimes found the tales of complex romances between various supernatural creatures and the occasional hapless human hit a little close to home. Many of the girls were themselves supernatural, which of course gave me a visceral thrill.

 “It’s more racy than you usually read, I know Bella.  But I think they’re really fun. And I love the characters! And well…what’s not to love about handsome, ferocious werewolf men?”

 I laughed, despite myself. “The sex scenes aren’t bad. You know, except…it’s not exactly like I have any experience with that sort of thing…it makes me…um…I don’t know, curious I guess?” though maybe embarrassed with a side of excitement was a better way to put it. And it was making Jacob's occasional apprearances in my dreams much more interesting. And kissing him even more breathtaking. 

 Leah, despite her feigned disinterest, broke in.  “You don’t know how thankful I am that you and Jacob aren’t doing the nasty—“

 “Leah, that’s gross”

 “—sorry, I mean to say, fucking like rabbits.”

 “Leah!”

 “Don’t be a prude Swan, you’re not the one who has to share a brain 9 teenage boys on a regular basis. It’s bad enough now. Once you guys start fucking Jacob is going to be unbearable.  I really don’t need to see that.“

 “We…we haven’t really talked about it. Have you?”

 “Yeah.” She said shortly. “Before.” With Sam then. Right, no more questions.

 “But what about—“ Kim broke off abruptly and turned bright red. “Nevermind”

 “What? Kim, you okay? It’s totally fine if you and Jared are. I’m not like…against it or anything.” It wasn’t like I had anything against sex, religious or otherwise. In fact, in my limited experience, I’d felt a rush of romantic warmth and physical excitement at the prospect. It wasn’t even my fault that it’d stayed so firmly in the imaginary.

 “No, no. I mean we have-“ she blushed harder. “I mean well, yes, but what I was going to say, well Jacob told us not to mention it, so—“

 “What she means.” Leah continued dryly, her harsh voice only slightly irritated. “Is that Jacob has decreed that no mention should be made of scumbag leeches, who may, or may not have gotten it on with his seemingly innocent Bella Swan.” She snorted, but nodded to me in what I now recognized as a curt 'no offense'.

 Now it was my turn to blush. And I did. Deeply and with a deep feeling of mortification.

 “Not that we’d judge you of course Bella! I mean, well he was your boyfriend! And even though Jared says they all smell bad and are evil, I met Dr. Cullen once and he was, wow. And he was really nice, too.”

 “We—Ed-Edward and I. We didn't’—“ I was almost too embarrassed to be proud of saying his name without falling into a deep dark pit of heart break.

 “Can I tell Jacob?” Leah asked eagerly, “Or can you? I know it sounds really creepy, but they all think about it because he worries about it, and so he thinks about it more. And it grosses me out, to be honest.”

 Despite myself I smiled slightly. “You always are, aren’t you?”

 Leah smiled slightly back at me. I knew that her brutal honesty had come at the cost of her own life shattering heartbreak. But I hadn't realized that she saw how we were the same in that way.

 “You really didn’t? Jared said that Jacob was just kidding himself if he thought that you didn’t. Well, because the bloodsuckers, er, vampires, are so beautiful and seductive and all that.” Kim looked at me with an eager curiosity.

 "Well, that's true, and I guess some of them...enjoy that. And a few of them even don't kill the person after."

 "Oh, ew yuck." But she looked interested, and so did Leah, though she was still in her usual position of bluffing relaxation. 

 It was strange to talk about these things to these girls, who were my friends, and who knew the dark secrets I did. Interesting to be the expert rather than the one desperate to catch up, at least in terms of vampires.

 "I guess even if most of them weren't evil, it takes, um, control, to keep from using their super strength and, well I don't know exactly, but I think breaking things, and also biting in like , you know, excitement." Yes, Bella Swan, human-vampire romance expert.

 "Whoa." Kim smiled at me conspiratorially. " I guess that is a pretty good buzz kill."

 "The thing is, because of their powers of attraction it isn't."

 "That's scary, Bella." Leah looked sick, and a little scared. "Like mind control" she glanced quickly at Kim, and away before she noticed.

 Imprinting. Is that what it was?

 "Yeah, though usually the bad vampires just want to kill you, and then, not so sexy."

 "Well I'm still glad they smell like shit to me."

 **

 I knew Jacob heard Leah's thoughts, or she told him, because the next day when I pulled up to Sam and Emily's he came rushing out with even more than his usual enthusiasm, kissed me until I was breathless, and squeezed me so hard I thought my ribs would crack.

 I wasn't complaining though. As kissing Jacob became more familiar, instead of becoming less exciting, I felt a deeper and deeper hunger for more, more contact and closeness, and deep down tingling. 

 So I kissed him back with interest, running my fingers through his soft shorn hair, down his back, and along his arms. He was warm as always, but I felt like I was a furnace, or a catching fire. He broke away first, gasping and I moved to drop kisses across his cheek and down his throat. 

 Mmm. Jacob.

 I was lost in a happy haze, his big hand in my hair, his warm skin against my lips, when I realized that he was making and odd strangled sound. And I could feel a warm hot hardness pulsing along with our hearts, pressing into the crotch of my jeans.

 I was briefly torn between these two important stimuli. But I raised my head to look at Jacob's face. Was something wrong? 

 It was only then that I heard the laughter coming from the house.

 I had wound myself as close as possible and o Jacob. Neither of my feet were touching the ground.

"Jacob." And whispered urgently, my face flaming with embarassment. "Is everyone right there, watching us?"

 Jacob, also noticeably red in the face, but still thoughtfully supporting me at the waist and butt so that I didn't land flat on my back, dropped his face into my should and started shaking. With laughter.

 Well, what else could you do? I glanced at the porch. The wolf boys had pushed out onto the porch and were hooting and hollering. Leah, off to the side and a little apart, as always shook her head, but smiled at me. Kim was blushing too, but laughing behind a hand. Emily, tugging at Sam to come back inside, waved at me to carry on.

 And the strangest thing happened. I laughed too.

 **

It was like something had come loose in my heart. I felt transformed, but instead of being different it was like I was finally fitting in to my own skin.

 ..

'I hate shopping' I grumbled half-heartedly as we walked toward certain doom, in the form of Port Angeles' department store.

 'You don't know how to shop, so shut it." Scolded Leah. 

 "Don't worry Bella! We aren't like, crazy marathon shoppers. But everyone needs clothes."

 "Especially you, Swan. Your wardrobe choices are non-existent."

 "Uh, that was sort of by design?"

 "Trust me, we're not going to get anything drastic, just some clothes that fit, and don't make you look like a middle aged woman or a member of some home school religious cult."

 "No dresses."

 "We'll see"

 "Should we have invited Emily?"

 "Shit. She's got her own god damned friends." 

 "You know she's been trying.."

 "I know. I just...Fuck. I can't yet."

 We walked the rest of the distance to the store in silence. But Leah brightened perceptibly as we entered the perfumed, over bright store.

 "Trust me Swan, I may spend most of my recent days in rags, but I can make even you look presentable."

 "Hey" I protested weekly, and Kim laughed delightedly. 

[solarflarefanfiction]

Solar Flare Three

Chapter 3

The weekend passed in a blur. I spent it finishing up my homework in Emily’s kitchen and hanging around with Jacob, feeling that returning to school without him would be especially painful. School felt like a distant past after the last week.

 It poured on Monday, of course, and I scrapped my hand slipping in the driveway on my way to my truck. Not the most auspicious return to school. I ran straight to English class with a heavy heart, but smiled at Jessica as I sat down near her. She fake smiled back at me but I tried not to be bothered. It made me lonely. When Angela came in I smiled at her too, and she smiled back genuinely, if a bit unsure.

“Bella, it’s good to see you? Did you have a good break?” she asked in her kind, quiet way as she set her things down and took the seat next to mine.

I thought for just a fleeting moment of the cliff dive, the awfulness of Harry’s funeral, the terror of Victoria hanging over me, Jacob’s warm hands, warm lips.

“You know, I think I did,” I said, and I smiled back a smile full of the warmth in my heart. “How was yours?”

Angela had spent most of her break with Ben, and was full of the warmth I felt in myself, which I recognized now as love. Chatting to her felt utterly natural. I was grateful for her easiness. She at least wouldn’t treat me like a pariah. Jessica glanced back our way a couple times in confusion or disgust before the teacher came in and started class

Mike Newton, who’d been late to English, smiled widely and sat next to me in my Calculus class. I said hello. It was easy to chat with him about spring break as if mine had been as normal as his.

Lunch came faster than I’d expected, and brought a strange longing for the comfort of the wolf pack. Something about meals with them always seemed so whole and comforting. But I only hugged myself a little bit as I sat down at my usual table, ignoring Lauren’s and her friends’ glares while I smiled and said hello to Ben, Tyler, Connor and Eric. I nodded to Katie and Ryan Marks too.

Still, even though lunch went well, and I managed not to maim anyone but myself in PE, I was happy when the day ended

“Oh my GOD” Jessica screeched. “Who’s that?”

The roar of the motorcycle pulling to a stop in the parking lot let me know whom she was talking about before I looked up. Jacob swung casually off of the bike and pulled off the helmet. At least he was wearing a motorcycle jacket rather than being shirtless as usual.

“It’s just that sophomore from La Push” Mike replied sharply.

“Just? That’s the guy Bella’s dating?!” I saw her glance at me appraisingly from the corner of my eye. I felt warm.

“They aren’t actually dating” Mike grumbled

“Actually, we are” I murmured quietly, blushing and not bothering to pretend I wasn’t listening.

Everyone turned and stared at me.  I blushed harder.

“Since when?” Mike demanded.

“Spring break”

“No wonder you seemed so normal today. Sorry” exclaimed Jessica, looking and sounding unrepentant.

“I’m happy for your Bella” Angela smiled at me.

“How in the hell does she do it?” muttered to a girl next to her, Stacy something. “What is it about her”

“He’s a sophomore? Eric asked no one in particular.

“Doesn’t look like one.” Tyler responded.

Jacob ran a hand through his hair and looked up and directly into my eyes, smiling widely.

“Hey Bells” he called.

I trotted over to him as fast as my legs and unfortunate center of gravity would safely carry me, slipping slightly a couple times, but staying upright.

“Jacob” I admonished “Did you skip last period?”

He grinned. “I thought I’d come see you.” He reached out and steadied me automatically as I stumbled up to him.

He hugged me tightly. I couldn’t help but hug back.

He glanced at my gaping school friends then leaned down and kissed me a little more seriously than was strictly necessary.

I heard Jessica shriek something before all my senses honed in on Jake.

I broke away before I could lose control of my few remaining wits.

I looked into Jacob’s warm eyes and tried to summon a little outrage

“You did not just come here to show off that we’re dating?” I scolded.

“Course not Bella,” he breezed sunnily.  His smile had grown when I said ‘dating’. “I missed you”

“I missed you too Jake” I sighed, giving up any pretence of anger.

He lifted his bike into my truck with a show of effort. “Your place? I don’t have any patrol today.”

“We have to do homework Jacob”

“Sure, sure”

Feeling uplifted I waved much more enthusiastically at my friends than usual as Jake and I climbed into my truck. By unspoken agreement Jake drove.

They really weren’t so bad, my school mates. They’d stuck around after all, while I was so out of it. They weren’t Jacob though, who was after all still my best friend and I felt myself relax and expand in his presence. Soon I was laughing  and feeling full of sunshine.

We did do homework. We were virtuous and productive, more or less for around 2 hours. But then Jacob kissed me, and I kissed him back, and we ended up on the couch. He had reverted to his usual shirtlessness as soon as we got to my house and I couldn’t help running my fingers over the smooth skin of his broad chest and back. He leaned over me, seeming huge, as I lay back, the fingers of one hand burning trails up under my shirt, up my back, just brushing the edge of my bra. His lips moved along my jaw to my throat and I gasped loudly. I curled my fingernails against his skin and he groaned. Everything was beginning to feel hazy. I was so warm. As if I had forgotten what it was to be cold. As if I’d never be cold again. His hands were rough but gentle as they slid my shirt up my body and I felt like my skin had become silken soft and so sensitive. We shifted and I felt something I’d never felt brush warm and firm into my stomach and sighed again.

The sound of a key in the door broke loudly into our haze.

Oh holy crow! Charlie.

We sprang apart. I frantically straightened my hair and clothing and Jacob grabbed at his books at random, opening one over his lap.

Charlie walked heavily into the hallway.

“Bells? Jake?” He called.

“We’re here Ch-Dad”

He looked cautiously around the corner before lumbering in looking suspicious.

“Hn.” He humphed, taking in our too innocent act.

“I’m watching you son.” He directed at Jacob, looking stern yet slightly amused.

“Dad” I groaned.

“So I’m guessing there’s no dinner?” He said, looking pleased

“Oh no, I forgot! Sorry.” I said, feeling chagrined.

“It’s okay. I can fend for myself, you know. Not the first time you and Jake have let time get away from you. Want me to make us something?”

“No!” I said too quickly. “I have some stuff for spaghetti. It’ll be quick.”

“Fine” he said. “No rush. Jake, you staying to eat?”

Jacob sighed, stood and stretched.

“Nah. Billy’ll be expecting me”

He went slightly red in an endearing way as he leaned over to kiss my cheek.

“See ya tomorrow Bells.”

“Hn.” Charlie grunted again

I blushed harder than Jake. “Sure, sure. Bye Jake”

Again, the pattern of my life took on a new shape. New not so much on the outside, as it was still school, work, and Jacob, definitely not in that order. But new in experience. At school it was easier to laugh and talk with my cafeteria crowd. Even Jessica showed signs of coming around. At work I talked with Mike Newton and worried less about leading him on now that he knew about me and Jacob. And with Jacob I basked in a warmth and fullness I hadn’t felt in months. I was not back to normal, and I still felt the wind knocked out of me at times by painful beautiful memories. But maybe I was less broken beyond repair than I had been. Than I’d thought I always would be. It was easier than ever to laugh and talk in the cafeteria, and to be on my own, or normal for Charlie. Jacob now was like a warm light settled permanently in the empty parts of me.

  Twice more that week he met me after school on his bike, and though I ought to have been concerned about him ditching class I was too happy to see him. The latest visit he’d called a cheery hello to my friends. Jessica had asked if he had a brother.

I was surprised the following Wednesday however, to hear the tell tale roar in the parking lot as I walked toward the cafeteria at lunchtime. I ran out to see Jake loading his bike into my truck looking unusually serious.

“Jake” I called, “What’s wrong?” I thought of Victoria and my pulse sped.

“Quil.” Jake said quietly as I stuttered to a stop beside him.

“He shifted.” I responded, feeling both relief and regret.

After all, although I wanted to be a werewolf, I knew the pack, Jake included, still viewed it as a terrible curse.

“So why are you here Jake? Shouldn’t you be with him?”

“Came to take you to Emily’s. We’re leaving Leah while the rest of us try and work with him. It’s easier to only worry about one place while we’re distracted”

I climbed into the passenger side of my truck, glad I would only be missing Spanish and PE this afternoon.

“Leah?” I asked, trying not to sound disappointed. At best she was pointedly indifferent, at worst icy, unfriendly and caustic.

“Sam says its because it makes the wolves feel better, less possessive than leaving another male wolf, but I think he’s just trying to fix Emily and Leah

“Fix them? I can’t imagine them even getting along. They hate each other.”

“Nah, they used to be closer than sister’s. It’s just…well I don’t want this to make you think badly of Sam again. But Sam and Leah…”

“They were together? When? Is that how he meant Emily?”

“They were. We all thought they’d get married. But when he saw Emily….It was like love at first sight. And well, it was a huge mess of course. The whole thing is so fucked up. And Emily refused Sam for a long time. But then after she was injured, well somehow they just got together. And Leah, she acts tough but she was really heart broken. Cause she lost Sam and Emily both. And she’s a pain in my ass, yeah, but even I feel bad for her…how could I not, being able to feel it all like it’s my own feelings when we’re both shifted.”

I didn’t know what to say. I had badly misjudged Leah, thinking that she was just naturally cruel, and stuck up (beautiful as she was). I thought of those first months after, when I was lost and cut off.

“Poor Leah” I said quietly.

“Yeah, Sam feels awful, and maybe you think he should. But it really is like he couldn’t help it. I’ve seen that too.”

  "I guess…" It was hard not to feel that Leah had been terribly wronged though.  But on the other hand, could I deny how love could strike suddenly and without hope of denial?

      When we got to Emily’s I tried to smile with more feeling at Leah.

She scowled at me and then glared at Jacob.

“Damn it Black, you told her. Stuff your sappy shit Bella. I still don’t like you. And you don’t like me.”

“Hey! Don’t talk to her like that!”

“Love the white knight act Jake, but hate to break it to you, she already had the whitest of white knights when she was with that filthy leech. And if he was still around you’d be in the same position as me, so don’t get righteous with me.”

I gasped and Jacob gave an honest to god snarl out of his human mouth, and began shaking all over.

“Oh Leah” Emily said softly and infinitely sadly from the porch. For one moment Leah looked absolutely heartbroken and close to tears. Then she stormed into the forest.

Jacob, still shaking was looking between me and Emily in horror.

“Jake…” I said. “Jacob it’s okay.” I took a step toward him and he held out a hand to stop me.

“You’re crying.” He grunted. I reached up and touched my cheeks and found them wet.

“It’s nothing, I’m just too sensitive.” Jacob popped his neck and took a deep breath.

“You’re doing that thing.” I was in fact holding my arms wrapped around myself.  I let go.

“I’m fine Jacob. Are you all right?” he was still making what sounded like growls under his breath and shaking his limbs as if to be sure they were intact.

“Jacob.” I took a tentative step toward him. Looking away from Emily’s frozen expression of terror, I reached over and hugged him tightly. He sighed and I felt him relax against me. We stayed that was for a long time.

“You have to go.” I finally murmured from his chest.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “You’ll be okay?”

“I’m fine,” I murmured yet again.

 “Woah. Um…guys, did I miss something?”

Smiling, but looking worried, Kim was approaching from her car parked carefully parallel to the front curb.

I wiped at my eyes, and pulled away from Jacob to look at her “It’s fine. Just kind of an argument with Leah.”

Kim put her arms, thin in the extreme, around me tightly. I felt only the briefest of pangs thinking of Alice’s similarly (though in her case deceptively) frail form, before I surprised myself out of mourning by a familiar, yet unfamiliar sense of comfort. I hadn’t thought I could feel this way. This sensation I imagined was sisterly. Even with Angela, who was closest to me at school, there always seemed to be a boundary, a distinction between us. I’d thought that only the Cullens, could give me this…this kind of home. But it was so simple. Kim, my friend, was hugging me. And tentatively I lifted my arms and hugged her back.

When I looked at Jacob he looked highly pleased?

“What?” I asked, still feeling befuddled.

“Nothing, nothing. Gotta go Bells, pick you up later.” He leaned down and kissed me on the head and trotted off into the forest.

Kim stepped back. “Let’s go inside?”

“But Leah…”

“She’ll come back when she’s cooled off. Don’t expect an apology though.” She smiled. “She feels bad, sure enough, but she’s too stubborn to say it.”

“Do you really think so?” I asked as we turned toward the house.

“Yeah. I’ve known her since I was 2, and she’s always like this. Stubborn, but she really is nice. My mom says she’s moody, and I guess that’s true. It’s gotten worse since…well since this whole imprinting thing-“

“-Kim! No!” Emily broke in sounding more angry than I’d heard her before. But I couldn’t think much about that.

“Imprinting thing? What’s an imprinting thing?”

“Uh oh. She doesn’t know? You don’t know? But shouldn’t she, as she’s Jacob’s?”

“It’s a bit complicated. He was going to explain it to her soon.” Emily said, still sounding sharp but now also sad.

“Jacob’s what? Kim, Emily.  Is something wrong with Jacob? With me? With me and Jacob?” They both stared at me. After a long moment of all three of us staring at each other Emily sighed.

“Oh, Jake won’t be pleased, and neither will Sam and the rest of them. But I don’t see what we can do now but tell her.

“Is it something bad?”

“No!” Kim exclaimed, sounding horrified.

“No, well, I suppose it depends who you ask. The boys and Leah are split on the issue.” Emily sounded tired and sad.

“But, those guys just don’t really understand what it’s like. The imprinted ones all really do like it. And I don’t see how you and Jacob wouldn’t be. You’re just like me a Jared, like Emily and Sam. I mean I know there was the whole vampire thing, Sorry, I know you don’t like to talk about it, Jacob gave us a big lecture before you started hanging out with us, but you guys are just…”

“Kim…” Emily sighed

“Well anyway, you guys are just like meant to be. And that’s what imprinting is. It’s how the wolves find their true love!”

“Huh?” I tried to take in all of what Kim had just said, taking moments to be touched but also annoyed that Jacob had lectured Kim and Emily about treating me carefully. No wonder those first few days had been so quiet. But I had bigger things to focus on.  “They ‘imprint’ to find true love? What does that mean?”

“We think it is tied into a wolf-y mating thing, which makes it sound weird, but what they say, is that when they see ‘the one’ for the first time after they change, then the world shifts, and they feel intensely tied to this one person.”

“You make it sound scary Emily! It’s like love at first sight. Really really intense and forever love at first sight.”

“But I’d seen Jacob all the time before he changed, and Kim you knew Jared, didn’t you? Jacob said you had class together and that’s how you met.”

“But the first time he saw me after he changed into a wolf, it was crazy, I’d noticed him before of course and everyone was really worried when he was gone for all those days. But when he came back to school, he sat next to me like he did, and I asked how he was, really just to have an excuse to say hi, he looked sooo handsome too, didn’t know what it was, but anyway, he turned and looked at me, just turned his head like to be polite and then he froze. He got this strange look on his face like he couldn’t believe his eyes. He looked at me like I was some kind of miracle. And he held out his hand and said, “I’m Jared.” And I laughed at him of course, because it wasn't like we didn’t know each other at all. But he said later that for him it was like he was seeing me, really seeing me, for the first time.” Kim took a deep breath, her eyes looking bright. “And he asked me out that day.”

For my part, I was quiet a moment. So that was why…

“So, Emily, you and Sam, the way he broke up with Leah.”

The door banging open made us all start.

“Yeah, magical fairy tale music shit and he imprinted on my cousin, and dumped me a couple days later.” Leah said bitterly as she walked in and slouched into a kitchen chair. “And there I ‘d been worried that he wouldn’t like her”

“But he was in love with Leah already, right, sorry Emily, so why didn’t he imprint on her?”

“That’s the part we don’t really understand Bella. We don’t know why the wolf imprints on one person over another, or why it happens at all. It is supposed to be really rare, though.”

“Yeah, lucky me.” Leah sniped. Emily looked away toward a picture of herself being held by a laughing Sam, with watering eyes.

“So they can’t control it, it just happens, and it’s like irresistible love at first sight?”

“They say it’s more than that, but as far as we can tell yes.”

“Did Jake imprint on me?”  What answer did I want? Did I want a supernatural love bond thing with someone, when I still felt broken with Edward’s leaving? But on the other hand, what would it be like to be in Leah’s place, to watch Jacob fall in love with someone else, leave me, not be able to love me…hadn’t that been what I’d wanted just weeks ago?

No one had answered my question, and I was squeezing my arms tightly around myself.

“Did Jacob imprint on me?” I asked again. Leah looked for the briefest of moments sympathetic, then looked away.

“Well…” Kim said, “It’s kind of complicated.”

“We don’t know Bella.”

“How can you not know? Why don’t you know? Does he still love me? Is he going to imprint on someone else? Is there anyway to know. Oh jeez, what if he imprints on someone else.”  My heart was racing, and I couldn’t breathe. Distantly I could hear a ghostly chorus in my memory he’s gone he’s gone he’s gone he’s gone.

“Bella,” Emily soothed, taking hold of my arms. “You know Jacob loves you. It’s going to be all right. He loves you, you know that. It’s just complicated because he felt so much and so strongly for you before he changed and then the pain of not seeing you after. Well he thinks what he felt when he saw you again was imprinting. But Sam and Jared don’t think it felt as monumental, but he says of course it wouldn’t because he was already in love with you, already felt like you were the world to him before the change.”

  “He loved you before, and he still loves you, whoop de-fucking do, for Bella.” Leah said bitingly, “But at least you know it isn’t just some weird wolf voodoo shit making him be your love slave, that’s what these two worry about.” She added meanly.

Kim blushed scarlet “You don’t have to be such a bitch Leah, it’s not our fault!” She wiped at her eyes. “And they do so love us, the imprint just sped things up.”

“Whatever, like I care.” Leah replied, sounding tired now. Then she looked straight at me. “He loves you Bella. I may not always like either of you. And I was prepared to hate you for stringing him along while you pined for those leeches. But you make each other happy. So now I just hope that that is enough.” Again, intense, recognizeable pain flashes across her face. “It wasn’t for me.”

“Leah…” I felt this rush of feeling, which must be sympathy, for that pain I know, of being left loving someone who has moved on from you, it’s so strong though that I have the urge to embrace Leah, like a sister, and I knew in that moment, that for all her moods, and her bad attitude, there was something like friendship sprouting, fragile and frail, between us.

“Forget it,” she said, without the usual bite.

The night was quiet after that, all of us lost in our own thoughts, with nothing to do but wait around for the guys to come back. It seemed awfully unfair, this divide of the sexes. Being the weak one, the one who trusts and waits and hopes though. Longing with every fiber of your being to be the one acting. Looking at Emily, baking fresh banana bread for her wolf boys, Leah, pacing and listening at the door, and Kim, passed out and drooling slightly on the couch, I think that there might be a strength in us as well, even if it wasn’t the most exciting kind.

I’d drifted off in my thoughts and was curled up on the couch when Leah perked up and opened the door.

“About god damn time.” She said conversationally to nobody.

A chorus of chuckles rose out of the darkness

“Next time someone else can take the baby sitting job, you sexist pigs.” Strangely again I feel sympathetic to Leah. If I were in her place I would want to fight for myself and my friends too.

“Leah, give it a rest, we’re wiped.”

“Is everything all right Leah?” Sam asked solemnly. His shoulders show the slightest flinch.

“Like you don’t already know. I’m going home. Bye Bella,” she added the last part looking at my still open eyes, and nodding in something like friendliness. Kim was still peacefully dozing, a slight frown on her face, and Emily sitting at the table with her head resting on her folded arms.

“Hmm” I agree. Through the door, since I’m too cozy and tired to move, I see Leah walking off unafraid into the darkness, and dark, tall shapes crowding up the steps and jockeying at the door to come in. Jared comes in first finally, and his eyes sweep the room restlessly before landing on Kim. The smile on his face is gentle as he scoops her up effortlessly, and hugs her to him. The frown on her face relaxes and she stirs, smiling sleepily, before relaxing again against him. Sam crosses the room to Emily and strokes her hair.

But now Jacob has entered the room, filling it with warmth it seems, and smiling what is almost his old Jacob smile (just a little tenser, a little older) as he crossed the room in what seems like a single step and tucked my hair behind my ear.

“Ready to go home Bells?”

“Hmm” I replied again, too tired to form words, but happy to bask in my personal sun.

Laughing quietly he bent down and wordlessly asked permission to pick me up.

“Mmhmm” I murmured, happy to stay in my sleepy bubble. Happy to not think about why I feel perfectly content now that Jacob is here, perfectly whole in this moment.

He carried me out to the car, his chest a blazing balm against my cheek.

“I told Charlie you’d spend the night in our spare bedroom when I had a break. Sorry I didn’t come see you, but I went and checked with Billy and he said it’s fine for you to stay in the girls’ room for tonight. They both said they’d be watching me though, ha, so I guess you’ll have to really sleep there.”

“MMa stay with you?”

“With me in my house, but not with me with me. Charlie does have a gun after all.”

“Mm sleepy.”

“I know you are sweetie.” He answered softly.

“Jake, I love you.”

“I know, I love you too Bells.”

“Did you imprint on me?” I managed to slur out as another wave of sleep pulls me under. The last thing I heard was his thoughtful response.

“I don’t know”

[solarflarefanfiction]

Solar Flare Two

Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga. Recognizable elements of this fanfiction belong properly to Stephanie Meyer.

Author Note: Here’s the next chapter! I hope that updates will remain pretty steady. Let me know any suggestions or complaints you have. I can’t promise I’ll take your advice, there is a plan and trajectory for this story, but I’m not so experienced that I would turn down good advice! On that note, if any of you wonderful readers would like to do me the favor of beta-ing for me, I would be forever grateful. Send me a message! J

Ch 2.

Get out of the car!

Don’t get out of the car!

It wasn’t Edwards voice screaming in my head this time, but my own mind, seeking to solve an impossible problem. Stay in the car with an angry werewolf on the verge of shifting? Or go outside and possibly face a murderous vampire.

I stayed put. At the same time Jacob seemed to roll out of the driver’s side door and then explode.

The car shook

Then absolute silence

A wolf’s howl, sounding too close, sure to wake Charlie.

Jacob.

Oh holy crow, Jacob! Fighting a vampire.

I jumped out of the car.

To do what I didn’t know but I couldn’t leave Jake to fight a monster. A monster I’d brought down on him.

But it was still again, except for the wind, or something like it, rustling in the trees. It seemed so dark

“Jacob!” I hissed, knowing he’d hear, not wanting to wake my possibly still sleeping father. “Jake”

There, something in the trees. A flash of white? Something moving quickly.

Not Jake, but my speeding, beautiful death.

I closed my eyes reflexively. At least it might be quick now.

A dark shape burst from the woods and grabbed the vampire by her red hair and shook.

The hair broke and she went flying off back into the woods. In the distance other wolves howled.

The Jacob-wolf looked between me and the direction Victoria had flown.

Oh, it was Victoria!

Grumbling, or making a wolf-y equivalent to it he paced warily around me.

“Jake?” I whispered, heart pounding, “are you okay? It-it was Victoria again.”

A large wet nose brushed my hand.  He continued to pace around me

A few interminable moments of silence then a rustling in the trees had me spinning, panicking, reaching for shaggy red-brown fur.

Another werewolf, smaller than Jacob trotted out of the woods and bared its teeth at me. While not exactly encouraging, it seemed to me better than the alternative and I relaxed fractionally. Jacob, stood solidly in front of me and bristled at the other wolf.

The new wolf huffed, or snorted, and looked away.

Jacob licked my hand.

“Oh, ew! Jake!” His head turned as a wolf black as the night galloped out of the trees followed by the others. Sam growled at the smaller wolf and it cringed submissively.

Jake trotted away from me into the forest.

“Jake!” I called in mild distress as I made to follow him. After all, the Jacob wolf seems comforting and familiar, I felt safer with him there. But a grinning wolf, tongue lolling moved into my path, mirroring me when I tried to go around.

I recognized this wolf, I thought.

“Embry!” I whispered, “Where did Jake-“

“It’s fine Embry,” came Jacob’s serious, and not quiet enough voice, “I’m decent.”

Jacob walked out of the forest wearing shorts that appeared to be a size or so too small.

I felt my face warm. They seemed revealing even though they were falling past his knee

He grinned briefly, apparently seeing me blush, then went back to looking grim.

“We didn’t think she’d be back so soon,” he said to me, though clearly also addressing the pack.”

“Are you okay Jacob?” he looked and sounded unharmed.

“’M fine, it was you she wanted,” he ran a hand through his shorn hair. “Me she just wanted to get out of the way.”

I squinted at him, to check the veracity of his words, unable to see anything clearly in the dark.

“It was stupid, with Harry and Leah and Seth and all, and since we'd just chased her off, we didn’t have a guard on the house. Leah made it fast because she was already shifted and running in the woods.”

The smallest wolf, who’d growled at me curled a lip at Jacob, then growled at me.

“Cut it out Leah, jeez.” She didn’t like me. I wondered why.

“Look Sam, I’ll stay here tonight and keep an eye on things. We’ll have to start patrolling again tomorrow, even with everything.”

“I’ll stay outside,” he said sharply, looking at Embry and another wolf who appeared to be grinning at each other. Supposedly he couldn’t read their minds right now, but it maybe he’d just gotten to know them too well. I didn’t understand though,

“Jake, it’s cold, you can stay in my room.” Edward certainly had often enough I thought with a twinge.

The Embry wolf coughed and fell over on his side

“Shut up Bels,” Jacob sounded embarrassed. “Right, you go inside, I’m going to shift and kill Embry and Jared.” I still felt confused and Jacob gave me a pained look.

Stay in my room. Ah. I blushed hard. Then I hugged him impulsively.

“Night Jake”

“Night” he said back, sounding dazed.

“Wait,” I said, pulse speeding. “Victoria…Charlie…!”

“He’s fine, just sleeping.”

Reassured, I went inside, listening as I got ready for bed. I didn’t hear any werewolf scuffles. Then again, I supposed I wouldn’t.

Were they really good enough to defeat Victoria, who was invincible in my nightmares?

As I turned out the lights, after checking in on Charlie just to reassure myself, I called out the window.

“You know, you really can come in Jake, just to sleep.”

Then I went to bed.

I woke up screaming

It was like a dream I’d had once before, when I’d first discovered Edward was a werewolf,

The green wavery light of the forest, the strange echoing quiet. There was Edward. In my dream I could really see him again, his unreal, breathtaking beauty, untouchable beauty. And then there was a huge wolf, a red brown wolf with warm laughing eyes that were so familiar in that animal’s face. Jacob. Beautiful in his own earthy way.  Around him the light seemed to gather and warm.

But Edward was snarling ferally as I’d only rarely heard. Then Jacob growled back, howled and they leapt toward each other

Time slowed as they collided. Impossible power, blood, teeth tearing at and ripping perfect shining skin. Possible that they would both die. Impossible that both would live.

I loved Edward still. And I knew now that I loved Jacob. But I still loved Edward more, didn’t I?

It was a dream, and so I could see hundreds of Jacobs at once. I didn’t want him to die. I didn’t want either of them to die!

Edward was falling, Jacob was falling.

“NO! No no no no no.”

“Bells!” A hissing whispering voice. I was sitting up in bed. Crying loudly, coughing.

“Bella, it’s okay! Bella, please!”

“Jake sounded so upset that I stopped crying, or started to, because I was still hiccoughing and leaking in a way that was probably very unattractive.

He rubbed my back as I calmed down until I was sniffling.

“Jake? What are you doing here?” I sniffed. Everyone was still alive

“You invited me, remember”

“You stayed?” I smiled weakly.

“You look funny when you sleep Bels” I laughed weakly, the nightmare fading, the beautiful face of my other love fading. I felt a twinge from my wound

“Charlie?”

“He started to come over here, then sighed and went downstairs. You should probably go let him know you’re okay.” He seemed regretful, still running his large hand up and down my back

“He’s probably all worried again.” His hand was warm an alive. His blood had seemed so real.

“Yeah.” Jacob sighed and looked down into my eyes. His eyes were intense and I leaned up toward him. Jacob. In my bedroom. This was too much, too fast and I still loved Edward but I was drawn in.

Our lips were barely touching when Charlie called uncertainly up the stairs

“Bella?” I gasped and shied away. Jacob ran a hand through his hair looking embarrassed. “Bella, you up?”

“I should go”

“You should go”

I smiled at him.

“I’ll see you later today?”

“Yeah. Might have to meet with the pack to talk more about the attack and hunting Victoria but yeah. Come over whenever.” He squeezed my hand

Charlie’s feet started thumping up the stairs.

I hugged Jake, and watched as he leapt carelessly out the window.

Without Jake I felt the dream slinking back, painful and horrible.

Helpless in this world of supernatural creatures I loved.

But when Charlie knocked on the door I answered.

“You can come in Dad”

“He peeked his head in.”

“Didn’t mean to wake you Bell, just…”

“I know. Sorry, just a nightmare.”

“Hm. Thought they’d been getting better.”

“They are.”

There was an awkward pause then Charlie shrugged his shoulders in apology.

“Well, I could make breakfast, if you’re hungry,”

“I’ll make it. I’m fine, really Dad.” I smiled, and it must have been convincing enough because something subtle in Charlie relaxed and he smiled at me.

“Good, good. I’ll probably go up to the reservation again, help Billy and Sue with everything.” He looked away. “You gonna come along with me?”

“Yeah,” I sounded happier even to myself now. “Yeah, I told Jake I’d come by.”

“Good,” Charlie repeated. “Well, I’ll just let you come down when you’re ready. No rush.”

He clomped steadily downstairs.

About an hour later after a shower, some slightly less careless dressing than usual, my rich brown sweater and some fairly well fitting jeans, well brushed hair, one breakfast of scrambled eggs and awkward conversation with Charlie, and we were on the familiar road to La Push.

“So” Charlie said ominously “You and Jake have been doing good? No more fights?”

“No,” I smiled, “Not really.”

“He’s a good kid you know, Jake.”

“He’s not a kid Dad, he’s not that much younger than me.”

“Well you’re still a kid to me too Bels. What I mean is, he’s a good guy. He cares about you.”

“I know.” Feeling wary. Charlie seemed to be working up to some kind of “talk”

If it was a sex talk I would jump out of this moving car.

“And you care about him.”

“Uh huh”

“Just, that’s good I think, you know, to have someone like him in your life.” Charlie seemed to back off the topic, to my relief.

“Yeah.”

“Well, anyway, looks like it’ll be a fair day, maybe you guys can go to the beach a bit no need to get involved in…everything.”

“Yeah, that might be fun” Unless we were attacked by a murderous, vampire, with hair that shone like fire on the surface of the water. Had she been stalking me even then, ready to kill me before I could stupidly kill myself?

I needed to warn the pack. Victoria in Forks was terrible. Victoria in La Push seemed somehow exponentially worse.

Charlie parked in front of Jake’s house and got out with me. He was picking up Billy before going over to the Clearwater’s.

Just like the day before I was greeted by a bounding and exuberant Jacob, a somewhat overwhelming sight for Chalie I could tell. He swung me around and then before I could think, kissed me soundly. In front of Charlie.

In front of Charlie.

Charlie cleared his throat and mumbled something, to which Jake laughed and lifted me once more in a hug.

“Jacob!” I hissed.

“What’s up Bells?” he replied smirking. It was like he didn’t even care that Charlie was standing right there. I looked exaggeratedly at Charlie, faintly blushing now but possibly holding back a smile.

“Oh well, it seems like he knows now.”

“He has a gun Jacob.”

Charlie laughed at that and patted Jake on the shoulder

“You two don’t get in too much trouble now.”

Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to Charlie, Jake and I went straight to business that day, heading up to Emily’s (and Sam’s?) as soon as he and Billy were gone to Sue’s.

It was only around ten in the morning and but the werewolves were all there, yawning around the table and stuffing themselves with yet another huge batch of muffins. To my surprise Kim was there too looking equally sleepy and only picking at her muffin from her perch in Jared’s lap. She looked quite tiny sitting there, and I imagined with chagrin that I too must look very puny next to Jacob.

Leah and Seth were there as well, looking worn out and unhappy. Unhappiness seemed unnatural on Seth, but Leah’s scowl looked well practiced.

“Great. Why is vampire girl here? I thought we were about killing them, not making out with them.” I felt myself go bright red in embarrassment, pain, and annoyance.

Jacob tensed and quivered slightly before retorting angrily.

“Shut up Leah!”

“Jacob, Leah please,” Sam cut in not in the voice of command I associated with him but instead in an almost apologetic tone. “Bella is with Jacob. She knows everything, and has encountered the red haired bloodsucker before. She is what it is after.”

Leah flushed. “And we’re the one’s laying our lives down. Why doesn’t she just get her blood sucking boyfriend to come back and kill it then?”

Jacob put an arm around my shoulder

Leah sneered at him, “Oh, please. Rebound much? Or did you just wear her down, panting after her like a dog.”

His arm tightened painfully as his form shook.

“Jacob!” Sam barked out, sounding like himself. “That is enough Leah.”

She fell silent but glared at me once more before taking the nearest chair and looking pointedly away from everyone.

Jacob smoothed a hand over where he’d squeezed my arm.

“All right Bells?”

“I’m fine Jacob. Are you all right?”

Leah made a low noise in her throat and Jacob growled softly.

Embry and Jared looked uncomfortable. Paul appeared to have fallen asleep.

Emily looked mournful and started to go to Leah, who switched the direction of her lethal glare until she backed off again and refreshed the muffin basket.

“Okay listen up.” Sam ordered. Jared kicked Paul’s chair, and Kim smiled at him.

“We have to start patrolling again. We didn’t think she’d be back so soon but we were wrong, and her last attack was the most aggressive yet. The only time we’ll break is for the funeral and Bella will be there, so if the redhead comes around at least we’ll be with the target.”

“We’ll run in pairs or groups. Bella you’ll stay here with Emily and Kim. Two at a time on the house while the rest of us hunt. Jacob, you and I will take Seth out on the first run.”

Seth smiled weakly.

“Jared and Paul head up to Forks and see if you can catch a scent. Embry and Leah you’re on the house.” Embry glanced concernedly at Leah from the corner of his eye. She had her eyes closed and her head in her hand.

Sam kept talking but I stopped listening and instead thought back on my nightmare, substituting in an enraged and terrifying Victoria. It made me shiver.

Jacob squeezed my hand.

So I spent the remainder of my spring break mostly cooped up in Emily’s cozy little cottage, sometimes chatting with her and Kim, often sitting in silence or reading, worrying and waiting.

By the second day Kim expressed the wish to be a werewolf herself and out doing something, instead of just sitting around uselessly. Emily chided her, and Leah, on house guard duty and grabbing a snack (and whose unique position seemed to have prompted Kim’s statement) snarled out a sting of profanity.

But I agreed. Being doomed to be the helpless one while supernatural fighters saved your life was wearying and disheartening. Better to be fighting for yourself.

We can save each other equally

I remembered saying as much to Edward and squeezed my middle to hold myself together. Without Jacob’s ameliorating presence my spells were getting worse again, and sometimes when Jared or Sam came in I couldn’t breathe looking at the loving couples.

I wondered how Jake and I looked.

Sometimes I walked on the beach by myself, keeping careful watch for vibrant red out on the surface of the water.

When Jacob returned to Emily’s I felt a sweet relief and tenderness and love and I could breathe and stay together.

There were a few more stolen breathless kisses. I overreacted terribly at times, but Jacob only seemed elated and amused

Friday came.

I dressed in my only black dress and stockings and rode in silence with a solemn Charlie.

The funeral was awful, Leah and Seth crying with their mother, while the pack looked on solemnly. Charlie and Billy dabbing at their eyes while trying to remain stoic.

I suppose the service was nice, I was not at all an expert, hadn’t been to a funeral since my grandmother’s a few years ago. The funeral ended uncomfortably as Leah broke out of her mother’s embrace and ran for the forest. Face grimmer than I’d ever seen it Sam took off at a jog after her. Emily watched him go with tears streaming down her face. It seemed as if the whole reservation was there. Harry had been an elder and clearly well loved. I held tight to Charlie and Jacob’s hands on either side of me. Two funerals I would not be attending if I had anything at all to do with it.

It was the last official day of spring break.

I spent the rest of the day, and the weekend, quietly with Jacob, Charlie, and Billy.

Going back to school seemed somehow anti-climatic.

[solarflarefanfiction]

Solar Flare One

Disclaimer: I am not Stephanie Meyer and as such I do not own the Twilight Saga, its characters, settings, or storyline.

  Author Notes: Thank you to everyone who read my first chapter. I thought I'd say a couple things about where I am going with this story. Things may seem to be moving quickly, but more than whether or not Bella loves Jacob, this story is about her learning the value of that love, and finding a place in the world as her awkward human self. What I have planned is a three part series. The Cullens will later make an appearance, but for now I want to give Bella a chance to be with Jacob, and to grow as a person, as I believe she was already growing in New Moon.  When Edward tells Bella she will forget a move on it always seems insulting to me. But the ability to change, grow, and adapt is truly beautiful, and strong.

      Chapter 2

    I woke up with an odd, not quite happy, but rested, feeling. By the light coming through the window (weak as Forks’ light tends to be) it was later in the morning than I had managed to sleep in a while.

  I smelled something cooking, which meant that Charlie was making breakfast, but another whiff confirmed that he was at least sticking to his eggs and bacon repertoire rather than burning down the kitchen.

  He looked tired and red eyed when I greeted him in the kitchen, and I felt guilty again for my recklessness the day before, and for the past few months really. He wasn’t that young, barely younger than Harry. And he was like me more than I usually remembered. He held onto things.

  “Dad…I’m really sorry you know”

  “I know Bella. I am too. Sometimes it’s just someone’s time though, and you can’t do anything about it.”

  “Um…no…well you know, yeah, but” I really hated talking about this, especially with Charlie, a fellow emotion avoider. “I haven’t really been…myself lately. But…I’ll get better, you know, I’m getting better.”

  Charlie looked away. “Yeah, I know kiddo. I just worry. You’re a bit like the old man. We’re stuck in our ways. Not our nature to move on from things…”

  Charlie cleared his throat and stepped closer.

  “I love you Bells. I just want you to be happy. So…you take your time, I guess, to make that happen. Just. Try, okay?” Looking extremely uncomfortable, Charlie turned to the frying pan on the stove.

  “Got breakfast at least. I’ll be going to Sue’s right after, try and help out if I can, you know. I can drop you by Jake’s if you like.”

  Oh god, Jake. Jake my best friend. Jake, the brightest star in my empty sky of a life. Who I’d kissed without any real idea if I could love him the way he deserved.

  “Um…sure, that’d be great” As great as a root canal maybe. But I had to do it. If nothing else, I’d proven I still wasn’t doing great on being alone yet. And Jake deserved everything, every effort I could give him.

        My plan to be mature, fair and to give Jacob a chance was nearly immediately ruined.

  “Bella!” Jake beamed as he swung the door open and Charlie (thank goodness) drove away. It made my heart warm to see his big form smiling my familiar Jacob smile at me.

  “Can’t….breathe” I gasped, because he’d pulled me into one of his crushing bear hugs. What he did next though, I simply wasn’t prepared for.

  He leaned in to kiss me.

  I was sure I was okay with it. Kissing Jake had been quite nice actually, not awkward like kissing my brother. A bit breath-taking actually, even if he wasn’t Edward.

  But I couldn’t help that in my surprise my first instinct was to pull back in alarm.

  It was exactly the wrong thing to do, and I had to deal with both guilt and my odd emotional transference as his face crumpled and my heart squeezed in painful sympathy.

  “Oh. Well come in, I guess I don’t have to say I’ve been expecting you.” Now he looked bitter and pained, and I felt like a jerk.

  It wasn’t like I was repulsed or anything. It was just startling, seeing someone’s face coming toward mine in that way, and there was still that painful memory of Edward’s (painfully) beautiful face. And Jacob was frowning furiously at me through the rain telling me we couldn’t be friends. And Jake was telling me he’d never hurt me. And I was torn apart and crying, and I couldn’t even tell why anymore because it was both of them. I’m not good for you. All I wanted to do was run away from this. I’m not good enough. Not enough.

  “Jake…”

  “Yeah, fine. Why don’t you just get it over with?” Asked angry bitter Jacob.

  “It’s really not what you think – Jacob, you know—“

  “Yeah, you value me as a friend. You love me, but I’m no Edward blood-sucker Cullen.”

  His words stung, as they had been meant to, and I flinched. It wasn’t fair.

  “No, you aren’t” I replied more sharply than intended. He flinched too, and I felt worse instead of better.

  “Jake, I don’t mean that. Or I do, but…Look you don’t understand at all.”

  “I understand fine. You felt bad that I’ve been pining over you and that I saved your stupid life, so you gave me a pity kiss. “

  Argh. If he kept this up all I’d end up doing was shouting at the idiot.

  “Jake shut up.” He scowled harder, and opened his mouth to retort.

  “It wasn’t pity. And I don’t regret it. But we have to talk, and if I punch you in the face it’ll probably not help. So just shut up, okay.”

  His face blanked in a way that disguised his emotion, but I could tell he was listening.

  “Look, we both know I’m not…whole, or well, or—you know I’m kind of broken. I don’t know if I can change. I don’t know if I can be enough for anyone to love anymore.” Oh geez, I was going to cry. “You deserve…more” I stopped, to pull back my tears. It was selfish to cry. To think about what would be noble and feel sorry for myself.

  Jake’s silence and feigned passivity vanished so quickly that it was as if passion, like the wolf, burst out of him.

  “I don’t understand Bella! Why? Why can’t you be whole? What did…Cullen take from you, that you can’t even imagine loving me, loving anyone? It’s sick, like he was some kind of drug or something, and now you can’t get by without him. You’re better than that. You’re not supposed to—you—he was an idiot, a monster and even if you don’t think you’re better off—you should do better than pine after him. It makes me sick to think of it. And sometimes I don’t even think you mind…you—”

  He was breathing hard, and trembling.

  I wanted to back away. I didn’t want to share Emily’s fate, her price for loving a werewolf. I wanted to take him in my arms and take away his hurt. To pull him to me as if I could envelope his giant form and protect it.

  “Move back. Run.” The beautiful voice was there. But this time I didn’t listen.

  “Jake…” I moved forward, and the voice faded. I wrapped him insufficiently in my skinny arms and felt the trembling jump and then slow.

  “I’ve felt sick.” I spoke quietly. It was surprising how easy it was, after all the worry and the stress and the reasoning, to talk to him here hugging his warm chest and looking at the worn carpet.

  “I’m still sick Jake. I don’t know why. I…loved Edward…I still love him. And it was…I loved them all, the Cullens. I was going to be one of them. Be part of the family. It was like I found a place, where I wasn’t too awkward or too “middle-aged”, where I fit. And it was perfect. HE, loved me. What was I? It made me special. And…being…a vampire…I would be more special, I would be strong and graceful and brave Jake. And together forever…with him, and them.”

  God I still yearned for that with part of my heart so hard. To be special, and to fit in to a world. To not belong anymore to this world that I felt so unnatural in. It was perfect.

  I didn’t notice how hard Jake was shaking again, until he tore himself out of my arms and sprinted out of the house.

  I ran after him and stood watching as he bent as if in pain, shaking so hard he almost vibrated, breathing heavily as he apparently forced down his impending change.

  “You…were…going to be…come a vampire.” He gasped. He was in pain. He was exhausted. I moved over to him and fluttered my hands uselessly over his back searching for a way to soothe.

  “I wanted to be a Cullen. Not like Victoria, not ever like that.”

  “You’d be dead Bella. Cold. Dead. You’d kill people if you could. Me, Charlie, oh God. You’d be worse than dead.”

  “You don’t understand. The Cullens—“

  “I know, they’re “good vampires”. You wouldn’t be you Bella. You wouldn’t blush, you wouldn’t trip…” He shook slightly again.

  “Please don’t say it anymore Bella. I can’t bear it. Do you understand? They can go out of control. Smelling blood and all, it’s in our stories, our tribe’s. Smell blood and it might not matter if you were “good”. And if we had to kill…I’ll die if I have to, to keep you from being one of them.”

  His clutching, desperate embrace was a bit tight, but I clung back. I would never believe as he did, that vampires were these monsters, nothing left of their old selves. But I could understand their bloodlust. And I could understand what it might feel like to be Jake’s enemy. Someone who would kill him or be killed.

  “It doesn’t matter now Jake. It doesn’t matter, because it won’t happen.”

  We stood like that for a long time.

  “Jake. I want to…try. To be with you…I mean, you know like um…well date seems a stupid way to put it…but…” I was a babbling idiot. But Jacob was smiling down at me. He leaned down again and I didn’t pull away. His lips were very warm of course, and an odd rushing was coursing through me. Almost painful but still good. And somehow I went on.

  “You’re my best friend. I love you. I don’t know if I can do more. I’m not over…what happened. But I want to try. To…uh…be more.”

  Jacob frowned just a bit. “I meant when I said I could wait Bella. I won’t ever give up on you. I don’t want you to try and be with me this way and then regret it because you’re still too in love with the leech—sorry vampire, fine Cullen. I can wait. And I will.”

  “No, I want this. I need it. We can just…take it slow.” It took more courage than I expected to rise up on my toes to pull him into a kiss.

  He sighed out like he was collapsing.

  “Damn it Bells.  You know I can’t refuse you.” He sounded happy though, and I smiled.

  “My Jacob.”

  We walked to the beach. His warm hand around mine now saying nothing more than what was absolutely true.

          His warm hand heating me from the inside as we sat on that familiar driftwood. His warm eyes looking into mine, unsure but still smiling. His lips warm on mine and his hand scalding into my spine and driving out the cold.

  Of course I loved Jacob.  Of course I loved him loved him. Not just as a friend, a brother.

  But not like Edward.  Never like Edward.

  But his warmth was filling that emptiness in me.

  It wasn’t right, a part of me argued, to not be able to love him as much as I knew I could love. But he was here. And he wanted me. He held me together.

  He wanted to be with me, and if I could give him that, give him all that I could now that I was broken and torn, that would be enough, wouldn’t it?

  It would be enough, and I would hold together, not tear apart again, more.

  And suddenly I was kissing Jacob desperately, almost violently clutching at him and pulling him to me as tightly as possible.

  Warning bells went off.

  Careful. You get carried away.

  It wasn’t quite Edward’s voice, and then it was gone.

  I broke away gasping. I looked up into Jacob’s face, his closed eyes.

  He opened his eyes and looked down at me.

Smoldering

That’s what his eyes were doing.

“Um…sorry, I guess I got carried away?”

A warm forehead bumped mine, a husky laugh dusting my blushing cheeks.

“Don’t apologize Bells. That was, God, that…” the laugh again and I was unceremoniously scooped up, and up and up into Jacob’s arms as he stood and spun me around into a tight hug.

But I could breathe just fine, and I was laughing. Maybe this would be easy.

“Come on now, Bella. I think it’s time for a motorcycle refresher course. Do me a favor and try not to end up in the emergency room and ruin my day.”

“Jake, you can be a real idiot.”

    Motorcycling took on different shades when I wasn’t trying and hoping to hear Edwards voice the whole time. For one thing, I actually spent a lot less time falling. Secondly, just the wind and the speed was exhilarating by itself. Somehow, without realizing, I’d actually begun to enjoy this crazy, dangerous pastime.

The little kisses and touches with Jake in between felt exhilarating too.

“Wow, that was fun!” I felt almost giddy as Jake loaded the bikes (in that effortless way only he could).

He looked at me oddly

“Bels, you know we’ve done this before right? For like a couple months? You’re weird.”

I felt my face heating in embarrassment and regret. I would be honest with Jake, but I couldn’t tell him about the odd and possibly insane reasoning behind this hobby that had become ‘our thing’.

“I like it,” he added, turning to close the back of my truck. “It’s cute.” My shame melted away and I responded impulsively, hugging Jake from behind, with all the strength I had.

In a way it was too natural to slip in to these romantic touches with Jake, with whom I’d already had such a tactile friendship. It had none of the literally heart stopping awe of touching Edward. But it was a rush in it’s own way, and a warm and easy comfort, which tucked in my frayed edges.

        Returning to Jacob’s house was sobering.

Charlie and Billy sat at the little round dining table looking uncomfortably close to tears, and neither speaking to nor looking at each other.

“Hey dad” I murmured as Jake greeted his father. “Have you eaten?”

“Been helping Sue with the arrangements, didn’t get the chance” Charlie mumbled back gruffly. We didn’t meet eyes, a classic Bella and Charlie non-emotional moment.

“Maybe I could make something,” smiling a little, “Jacob will help me.”

“Why don’t we make a bunch then. For everyone.” Meaning for the pack.

“We’ll need to go to the store for that,” I replied, remembering Emily’s muffins and how fast they’d gone, thinking how much 5 Jacob size appetites might eat.

“Let’s start with lunch for just the four of us. Do you have stuff here? We could just make grilled cheese. Then we can go to the store for dinner stuff.”

    I made the sandwiches and Billy and Charlie ate quietly, exchanging only brief words about what was yet to be done for the funeral at the end of the week and some problem with Leah, locked in her room refusing to come out.

Jacob held my hand under the table and I was surprised by the swooping in my stomach. From his smirk I guessed I was blushing. Idiot. I kicked him under the table. He smiled wider.

    We held hands as we walked to the market as well, debating over how many lasagna to make for dinner. I thought 4, Jacob said 8.

“But will they even have enough of what we need for 8? It isn’t a huge supermarket.”

“The Ateara’s own the store and old Quil is an elder, he knows.” Jacob replied.

Sure enough the store was much more packed with food than I’d have thought from the outside. Quil’s familiar face was absent.

“He’s not feeling well lately,” Jacob said tensely.

“So you think…?”

“Yeah, any day now.”

“Well…at least then he’ll know right, and you can be friends?”

“I’d rather it didn’t have to be this way though.” He squeezed my hand and I squeezed back, feeling that familiar desire to protect him from the world.

I’d written down a list of ingredients for one lasagna, and now we multiplied it all by 8, quickly filling a basket. Lucky that I would have someone to carry the bags.

Jacob was glancing at me guiltily.

“Yes, Jake?”

“Well…you should know, there’s been a couple new additions.”

“To the pack? Why didn’t you tell me? Who?”

“The Clearwaters.” He fidgeted uncomfortably and I automatically took his hand.

“Seth? Because of Harry?”

“And…and Leah. The shock, Billy thinks it, the shock, might have triggered the heart attack. And the shock of that triggered Seth. Officially the two of them are locked in their rooms out of grief. Sam has it under control for now though.”

“Leah? But I thought it was only boys.”

“So did we, there’s no record of it ever happening to a girl before.”

“Wow. But Sue, she knows?

“Harry was a tribe elder and now Sue will take his place, so she does know.”

“Poor Seth and Leah.”

“Seth’s taking it pretty well, under the circumstances. He already managed to change back and forth once. But Leah…”

“Will they be at dinner?”

“Probably not, not enough control yet. But Sam will take them some. We’ll probably eat up at Emily and Sam’s place, is that all right?” he looked nervous.

“They don’t like me.” I guessed.

He tensed, “They like you fine. They just don’t know you.”

Vampire girl I thought to myself. They wouldn’t trust me, not with Jacob.

But then he was lifting me up along with the grocery sacks and I couldn’t find it in me to worry as we made our way home.

    Several grueling hours in the too small Black family kitchen later, I had 4 lasagnas baked and 4 more waiting and Jacob was sprawled asleep on the couch.

He was too big for it by far and his feet hung over onto the floor.

I suspected he hadn’t slept since Harry died, so I let him, feeling light and peaceful, comfortable with the familiar recipe and at home in the Blacks sunny kitchen.

A thunder of feet outside sent Jacob jackknifing up with a silent, dangerous grace.

At once he relaxed and collapsed back down to the couch.

“Idiots.”

I struggled with my rioting, panicked, heart as the door banged open and Embry and Jared appeared, purposefully tramping hard enough to shake the house.

“Hi there Bella,” Embry grinned, darting his eyes to Jacob as he leaned against the oven “What’s cooking, good looking?” Embry waggled his eyebrows. I groaned and blushed.

“Sam sent us to help bring the stuff up, everybody’s on their way.” Jared said smiling, watching Jacob glare at Embry.

“Hi Embry. Hey Jared.” I managed to get out in what I hoped was a not pathetically meek tone.

“Sure guys, we’re almost done here, right Bels.” He strode across the room and swung an arm around me and I felt my face go red hot.

“Oooooh…What’s this!?” cried Embry with apparent enjoyment.

Jared elbowed him.

“You’re embarrassing her” my face heated another couple of degrees.

“Oh, Jake’s going to be intolerable now, Bella,” Embry went on, ignoring Jared.

“Shut up Call.” Jacob snapped, eyes smiling.

“Hey, this is the vampire girl, she’s tough.”

Jake growled and hugged me tightly to him.

    Eventually we made our way to Emily’s little house with half a cooked dinner for a werewolf pack.

Would this be the life you wanted for me Edward? I thought with a twinge of pain

Jacob squeezed my hand and I pushed away thoughts of my painful wound.

And I smiled at him and squeezed back.

Emily’s house already seemed full to bursting with people, but it had a lot to do with the fact that most of them were werewolves. Jared and Embry quickly dove back into the fray, shoving up against their “brothers”

Jacob was unfazed though I felt a sudden anxiety.

Reaching into the fray, he seemed to draw up out of nowhere a small copper skinned girl.

“Bella, this is Kim, Jared’s girlfriend. Kim, Bella”

My first impression was of a petite girl with a plain face, cheeks too round and a nose too flat and broad for classic beauty. Then she grinned nervously and her smile was incandescent, as if she’d been lit from the inside.

“Nice to meet another im—girlfriend. There aren’t enough of us around here. Too much testosterone.” She chirped, in a high but pleasant voice, glancing at Jacob as she corrected herself, not wanting to confuse me with Quileute words, I guessed.

 He frowned at her at her and she turned a splotchy red.

I elbowed him in the side, as Jared, seeming to sense his girlfriend’s distress began stalking over glaring at Jacob.

I smiled encouragingly at Kim,

“It’s nice to meet you too”

She smiled again and Jared stopped glaring but still came and put his arm around Kim, nestling her into his side. She smiled brilliantly again, and he looked at her in what appeared to be amazement

And I was inexplicably, brutally reminded of Edward

“You really shouldn’t do that to people,” I criticized.

“It’s hardly fair”

“Do what?”

“Dazzle them like that—she’s probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now.”

He seemed confused

…

“I dazzle people?”…”Do I dazzle you”

“Frequently,” I admitted

(Twilight 167)

It was like being kicked in the stomach and I couldn’t stop myself from gasping quietly at the pain of it.

Every werewolf in the room heard and turned to see if I was in danger.

I knew my face was bright red, could feel my eyes stinging hotly.

It was like my wound had been reopened newly made.

I heard myself mumble to Jacob,

“Uh…the bathroom, where…?”

I fled the room to tend to my once again aching wound, but not before I saw Jacob’s stricken face.

In the bathroom alone, I shook, and cried, and desperately held myself together as quietly as possible, struggling to catch my breath. Knowing it wasn’t quiet enough, that they would know I was melting down like an idiot in the bathroom, knowing Jacob knew and was hurting along with me.

Would it always be like this?

Hurting me, hurting Jacob

I flushed the toilet hoping to block the werewolf super senses as I sniffled inelegantly and tried to regain control.

But sometimes forgetting Edward, forgetting that blazing love and healing the hole inside of me seemed impossible.

Maybe I would always be broken.

But I had promised to be strong for Jacob, to give him all that I could so that it would be enough.

I needed to be strong, because otherwise life was really empty. Those terrible days when I thought Jacob had given up on me too had been one blow more than I could take.

Clutching my sides I breathed deeply. I splashed cold water on my face to try and clear up the splotchy redness. I am not a pretty crier. I pushed away my pain.

Jacob’s hurt expression I held onto.

My Jacob.

To him I would give all I had left to give. So I’d told myself. And I would have to make it be enough.

Returning to the main room was difficult, knowing I’d just had a practically public breakdown, that my eyes were still puffy and red and my nose runny. I found him immediately sitting quietly apart, looking far too old and weary.

He turned, of course, knowing I was there.

My sun, dimmed.

I smiled at him and it felt real, if watery and pathetic. “Sorry,” I mouthed.

He opened his arms.

    The rest of dinner went smoothly and the warmth of a pack, which was like a big, loud, bickering, loving family, soothed my hurt.

I made tentative conversation with Kim, who seemed to take my temporary insanity in stride, and was eager to be friendly. We turned out to share reading taste, which made conversation less painful. Emily, face seeming less scarred each time I saw her, perhaps only from familiarity, added her own opinion on modern romance novels. It reminded me that for all her mothering aura she was scarcely older than me as she giggled and stage whispered around her hand, teasing Sam.

Of course the most of my time was taken up with Jacob, who was back to his more cheerful self, full of chatter and joking, faking irritation when Embry teased him.

He never let go of my hand, even to eat.

And so before I knew it my crying jag seems long past and Jacob and I were warm and full being loaded up with leftovers and “til tomorrow”s by the group. Having grown up the only child of a single parent, and socially awkward, I’d never known such a feeling as this of large-scale general welcome.

At his car Jacob kissed me breathless, tasting of warmth, lasagna and Jacob, something uniquely him. When he pulled away I was pressed shamelessly against him again, He laughed at me.

The ride home was quiet but restful. My hand, stupid as it seemed, felt cold without Jacob’s holding it. He needed both to drive

At my house I leaned over to kiss him goodnight and he looked surprised and gratified. I reached back to push the door open before I got carried away, imagining an angry Charlie catching us making out in the driveway.

Jacob tensed, went absolutely still, for a moment before he began to shake.

“Vampire” he snarled

[solarflarefanfiction]

Solar Flare Prologue

Solar Flare

  Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

  Summary: Ultimately Bella and Jacob didn’t have the time to build their relationship. Bella didn’t have time to become a person who could love Jacob with all of her heart, who could build a human life. But what if she had had that time. The thing about being human is that you can grow and change, can become. What if Bella had? How would it have changed her future, Jacob’s, even Edward’s?  

A familiar theme but hopefully an interesting take

  Part 1 of a three-part trilogy, extending into the post Breaking Dawn timeline.

        Prologue: Paris on the Sun

  Wait,  I wanted to say. Just a minute. But I was still locked in place, listening to the echo of Edward’s voice in my head. (New Moon 377)

  The storm-cooled air was a relief, even as chilled to the bone as I already was.

  “Jacob.” I wanted to apologize, I wanted to be able to give him what he wanted, what he deserved. He’d given me more than I thought possible. But I couldn’t say more than his name.

  “Bella, I meant what I said” Jacob met my eyes and I felt that pull again. The pull to take away his pain. Why couldn’t this one thing be simple? This one solace for my ripped up heart. “It’s fine. Don’t worry, don’t feel guilty. I know, I know even without you telling me.” He looked away. “Now get inside and get warm. And no more cliff diving without adult supervision. I’m officially calling it. Saving from drowning makes me older than you.”

  I laughed once, painfully, and hoped it only sounded hysterical to myself. I’d really almost died, almost killed myself with my own need to see and hear my beloved. I’d panicked Jacob while he tried to protect me, while Harry Clearwater was dying, while the other werewolves, most of them younger than me were risking their lives.

  But could I live without hearing him. Without having hope of hearing him? The hole in my chest ached, even in Jacob’s diluting presence.

  I kissed his cheek, trying to seem like I wasn’t just chickening out of really kissing him.

  “I’ll try, Jake.” He smelled clean and like Jacob, while I still smelled like seawater and probably sweat, from falling asleep next to Jacob’s furnace of body heat.

  I got out of the car and tried not to shiver. I didn’t want to make the choice I was going to make.

  I didn’t believe I could love anyone as I’d loved Edward. I didn’t want to let go of Edward. I would never forget Edward. I loved the Cullen family still as my own.

  But they were gone. And I couldn’t follow. I’d never had a chance of following,.

  Jacob wouldn’t leave, would stay the just human enough supernatural creature that he was, and stay with me. He loved me.

  I didn’t know if I could love him. I did love him, in so many ways. He was beautiful, funny, my own sunshine, now a far to cavalier protector. He made me feel alive, whole, sometimes.  But when I knew how I’d loved Edward…it didn’t seem like enough.

  Still…And no voice interrupted this time. Maybe even my hallucinations knew when to give up on advice and just let me muddle through.

  I love you Edward. I will always love you.

  I opened the door of the car again.

  “Bella, what’s wrong?”

  “I’ll try Jacob”

  I stomped down on my thoughts as hard as I could.

  I kissed him. My Paris, maybe. My Jacob.

  For 2 seconds I kissed his warm, soft, oh so different mouth, then ran into the house slammed the door and managed to catch myself on the coat rack as I slipped on the hall rug.

  I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh. I felt dizzy.

  Coward.

      I expected Jacob to be pounding on the door any second.

  I was terrified of it.

  But of course, he knew me much too well and I heard the car door click quietly, from where I waited fearfully behind the door, and then nothing.

  It didn’t make me feel much better.

  Vicious vampire, hunting me so she could torture me to death. Check

  Dearest (and almost only) friend and more in the world risking his life hunting vampires. Check.

  Father hunting werewolves while there were dangerous vampires around. Check.

  Love of life gone, and considering possibly ruining the only thing that made my life a life anymore by making a go at a sure to be disastrous relationship? Forcing all that remained of love out of my hollowed out chest for a person I truly loved, if not in exactly the right way?

  It was a sign, I think, of how far gone I’d really become that this last item suddenly seemed like the biggest of my problems.

  Well, look on the bright side. I thought sarcastically to myself (probably also a bad sign for my remaining sanity). Maybe you’ll be brutally murdered tonight, and not have to think about your love life anymore.

  Quickly to distract myself from the threat of looming death I had once again brought to the forefront of my mind I went to the kitchen to see about making dinner for Charlie. Who knew when he would be home, but he would need to eat, and it was all I could really do for him, with one of his best friends dead. And I needed to eat too, though the soreness in my throat protested the thought and I poured another glass of water for myself.

  Then, restless and trying desperately not to think about Jacob, my best friend who I’d just kissed and then run away from. I cleaned the kitchen. I was getting to work on the living room and thinking about the bathroom when I heard Charlie’s pulling up the drive. I ran to the door and out to him as he trudged up the walk looking worn, tired, and old. I hugged him around the middle as tight as I could.

  “I’m sorry about Harry, Dad.”

  “I’m really going to miss him,” Charlie mumbled.

  “How’s Sue doing?”

  “She seems dazed, like she hasn’t grasped it yet.”(NM 393-394)

    After dinner, Charlie went up to bed, and I followed, exhausted from almost drowning, and from too many worries.

  I tried picturing a small Edward moment (Edward waiting by his car for me), and fell asleep holding myself together.

  But I dreamed about Jacob’s warm hands pushing water out of my lungs. His warm mouth. His light that was more than the sun. And fire floating on water.