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Heya, you alright? Any idea when you're dropping the next chapter?

Cheers and have a great week

In the next few weeks, I hope. 

I started writing it yesterday, and wrote about a third of it. After I posted the last chapter, I unfortunately got COVID which then turned into long COVID where I had fatigue lasting until late August. I’ve been feeling better only very recently, and am trying to pick up where I left off (unfortunately, a mess), so it’s been a little hectic on my end. Thanks for asking!

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tbh ch. 58 is rather boring but necessary, probably a key reason why it took so long for me to finally write! next chapter should be quite fun 🫢

hope you had a good start to the week. mine was quite awful, it can only go up...? I hope!

[sogno-ao3]

still waters, ch. 58

ch. 58: specter // entire work

summary: I'm a seamstress at a local shop that Mr. Thomas Shelby frequents. I see bits and pieces into his life, until one day, I can't close my eyes anymore, and I see it all.

pairing: Tommy Shelby/Original Female Character(s)

rating: m (eventual explicit)

additional tags: slow burn, chinese character, coming of age, season one, feminist themes, first person, eventual explicit, character study, mental health issues, ptsd, introverts

words: 100,685

selected passage from ch. 58:

Outwardly, my life had returned to its neatly tucked-in corners, and Tommy, the Shelbys, and everything about his world, retreated to what they once were, shadows moving silently in the background. Someone who had been so omnipresent in my life was now just merely a silent specter, flickering on the edge of my feverish dreams.

[sogno-ao3]

Hello goodnight! I have a question...

I'm rereading Still Waters and I'm curious about Tommy's house that you describe. Is it the house on Watery Lane or just a house you imagined? xoxo

Great question! It's a house on Watery Lane that I've imagined but not *the* house in the show. It's dark, imposing, and formal, think Victorian furnishings, conservative, masculine, and very still.

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You made me cry at 2 am. How I missed Mommy (or would it be better Tollie? lol). I've been following a few fics on Ao3 but yours makes me stop what I'm doing (in this case I was sleeping haha) to read. Regardless of the direction this story takes, I want to say that I hope you continue writing, because you have a lot of talent, and I would love to follow other stories (but I confess that my crush on Tommy is huge)

Mommy!!!!!!! 

I am unworthy of such dedication 😭 thank you for the encouragement! I’m thinking of writing something original outside of the romance genre after Still Waters (or at least, the romance is not the focus). we’ll see! still have a ways to go before Still Waters is finished, and I do want to do a post mortem & commentary for it as well! 

thank you for your lovely words 💙

[sogno-ao3]

still waters, ch. 57

ch. 57: regeneration // entire work

summary: I'm a seamstress at a local shop that Mr. Thomas Shelby frequents. I see bits and pieces into his life, until one day, I can't close my eyes anymore, and I see it all.

pairing: Tommy Shelby/Original Female Character(s)

rating: m (eventual explicit)

additional tags: slow burn, chinese character, coming of age, season one, feminist themes, first person, eventual explicit, character study, mental health issues, ptsd, introverts

words: 99,513

selected passage from ch. 57:

I meandered until I found a relatively deserted alley, with a few scattered crates. I sat down on one, deep in thought. Tommy's best interest… I shuddered. I could not deny that the vivid imagery of his light eyes, focused only on me, was intoxicating. He could be regenerated, with a vengeance. He could… I could…

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Do you think Grace is going to come back?

good question. I remain mum because spoiler. ;)

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Where is our Mollie? Hopefully, driving a certain gangster crazy 😈🔥❤️‍🔥

thanks for asking! I’m about halfway finished writing the chapter :) 

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small update

I know I said I might release a chapter by end of February but every time I sit down to write the next chapter, I'm not quite satisfied with the setting... it's what's causing the delay 😭

hope you're all doing well and enjoying the beginning of March, I really miss the cold weather tbh

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Hi there! I’m new to the peaky blinders fandom and just finished the show. I was going through Tommy withdrawals and was thrilled when I found Still Waters. I just finished it, and I’m still reeling from how AMAZING this story is. Your writing is magnificent and you capture Tommy so perfectly, which is not an easy task!! I’m so in love with Mollie as a character, she feels like a real person. I love that she is a woc. I can’t wait to see where you decide to take the story. Anyways I don’t really have a point that I’m trying to get to lol, I just had to gush over your talent 🥰 Thank you so much for sharing your work and for letting us get to know Mollie!

aw thank you for your kind words--high praise indeed. it truly made my day!

in particular, I really appreciate what you said about Tommy's characterization because I often feel it is a weak point of mine 🥹 a lot of Tommy fanfiction tends to be about like "here are all the events from the show and this is how another person would fit into that" (which is fine) but my story takes a different tack in that Mollie is only in the background of the first season's events and the second half of the story goes off the rails into a purely Still-Waters universe... which leads me to worry that people will think my Tommy is too soft!!!!! But I have my reasons!!!!! I swear!!!!!!! One day it will be clear, and until then thank you for reading and hope to hear from you again sometime 💙

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any news about our mollie? I don't want to pressure you but I miss her 😮‍💨🩵

thanks for asking... always happy to give chapter updates! I've been swamped mentally with other stuff so I haven't been able to finish making decisions about the next chapter. I usually run through a few scenarios (in my head) and after letting it brew for a little while, come to some sort of conclusion before I sit down and write...

in my normal life, I have a pretty busy two weeks ahead so I would say optimistically I could perhaps write a chapter before February ends but I'm not sure because my busyness really can't be predicted far in advance >_>

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do you have an fc for mollie? i always picture a young shu qi as here when reading the fic.

I don't have a face in mind; the post above references the details we do know about her appearance.

I think of her as a plain person who dresses neatly (due to her tailoring background). What is special about Peter is that he is the only one who genuinely thought she was beautiful from the beginning. Ossi was primed; he heard about her from Peter coupled with the fact she dressed up for the wedding... and Tommy... he definitely was not smitten with her in the beginning and took quite a while to find her physically attractive because of many reasons I won't say for now. So she's that kind of a face.

Very unsatisfying, right? 😂 But I think it gives people free rein to imagine her as they wish, so keep on thinking Shu Qi if that's what you like. 😌

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some swirling thoughts about social media and reading

tl;dr: read what you like, don't worry about whether it is popular or not. don't conflate 'popular' with 'good.' resist consumerism and commodification.

I gave #booktok a (fair?) shake about two years ago, when I read most of the popular books in that space... and I was woefully disappointed. I did the same thing with NYT Bestsellers, a few years prior; also woefully disappointed.

yes, it comes down to personal preferences. I am not an arbiter of taste. I prefer to read works that make me think and stay with me, and if I were to reread, I gain new perspectives. a lot of the so-called popular books are great for a pop of exhilaration, but once that high is over, one desperately searches for the next book to give that high. this is one of my theories in why people who read those kinds of books amass huge libraries and brag about reading more than 100 books a year. rereading works like these is more about comfort, nostalgia, and indulgence rather than engaging more deeply with the work...

in order to find books to read, I've found greatest success with asking my friends, doing my own research, browsing bookstores and reading employee recommendations. I don't stress about finishing books; if I don't like it, I'll put it down. I don't stress about reading a set number of books; some books are slow to get through, and that's all right. I don't rush to the bookstore, I wait to borrow it from my library. I personally only have a physical library of maybe 30 books.

I feel disheartened to see books transformed into another hobby of endless collecting and aesthetics, inaccessible without ample space and money.

I do see the effects of fanfiction on books in social media. the millennial generation, grown up on ao3 and fanfiction.net, finally have become experienced enough to be working with traditional publishers. I am very happy to see an increase in diversity and subject matter.

however, I often struggle with my own intersectional subset of writers, namely (East) Asian Americans who come from comfortable backgrounds who dominate the Asian American writing scene. it is laughingly common to have an author either be independently rich, have a career already as [high-powered job] and moonlight as a writer on the side. this homogeneity is reflected in our work which tends to feature high-achieving Asians who inevitably make their way in the world. and Mollie... is no exception. I can't change my background, but I hope, if I were ever in a position to do so, to be an advocate for those in my community who may have less opportunity.

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thoughts on cny/wedding arc, still waters ch. 48-56

I would characterize this arc as primarily about (1) the slow intersection of their worlds, especially Tommy's incursion into Mollie's sphere, and (2) Mollie allowing herself more and more to think of Tommy as not just an employer, not just a friend, but perhaps someone she might even love.

Slow intersection of worlds

Up until this arc, Mollie has mostly existed in Tommy's world, in his house; she's met various members of his family in a personal setting (e.g., the christening), she's been a part of Peaky Blinder machinations whether she intended to or not, but Tommy has not had an equivalent experience yet. This arc provides him with that: visiting the tailor shop to learn more about Mollie's life, the Chinese New Year (CNY) dinner, and finally, culminating into the wedding featuring the full cast of her world.

In Ch. 48, when her mother and Song give her a lecture about not getting close to Tommy, Mollie has a little spasm of rebellion and she tells a fib that she had already invited Tommy to the CNY dinner... on the balance, Mollie is a good person, but one can also argue that she often lies (by omission) and this fib highlights this habit, providing a fascinating parallel to Tommy's selective dishonesty. She knows there is a different Tommy than the one they perceive--and she can't help but want her family to meet and observe him in a more quotidian setting.

I initially dreaded writing Ch. 50, as I had trouble imagining what would transpire between Mollie's parents and Tommy. In the end, I ended up dividing it into a kids' table (Song, Mollie, and Tommy) and a grown-ups' table (Mollie's parents, Jie, and Wan), and building on the notion that Mollie's parents would feel rather uncertain taking the lead with interacting with Tommy.

At first, Mollie's parents are uncomfortable and not sure how to approach.

My mother raised her eyebrows, glancing towards the misshapen plate of apples on the table. "Mr. Shelby is a guest, he can relax," she said.

Thomas shook his head. "It's all right, as your daughter says, my knife handling skills are lacking and I must improve," he said, intent on the apple in his hands.

My mother just gave me a puzzled look and I shrugged, smiling at her. She thought it was best not to engage further.

Even though Mollie's parents have been withdrawn, they have been observing him carefully and looking out for his needs as a guest. Usually, "Tommy Shelby with a knife" inspires panic; however, the scene Mollie's mother witnesses is disturbingly domestic and calm, and perhaps, even a little comical.

Thomas carried the fruit plate out to the dining table, and seemed bemused to have some awkward thanks from my parents. From their quick glances, I knew they also noted his suit jacket had now been taken off and a small pomegranate stain was on his rolled-up white cuff. They cautiously began a trite, stilted conversation about suiting, which turned into another conversation on how to wrangle suppliers.

The first sentence calls back to Ch. 39: "I sat on the armchair opposite him, thinking of what Thomas had been as a child and the circumstances that had been thrust upon him to become an involuntary protector and guardian to his siblings, even to Arthur. An affectionate older brother, to whom no affection had been returned in his later years." Tommy, unused to straightforward expressions of appreciation, is innocently pleased. Next, Mollie's parents finally feel comfortable enough to strike up a conversation, showing how much progress they've made vis-a-vis their perspective on Tommy.

In addition to introducing Tommy to Mollie's family, the CNY dinner also serves as a way for Mollie to introduce Chinese culture to him, another important intersection of their worlds. He proves to be patient and willing to listen, which would not have been the case earlier in the work; hints of this arise in their first interactions where he asks her to do laundry, and when they have the family meeting in Ch. 30. In those chapters, Mollie is still a roughly drawn sketch in his mind, informed more by what he thinks he knows about her, rather than how she directly presents herself.

Ch. 51 is an interlude into Tommy's world again, this time by visiting his mother's grave. Tommy has finally let her into the deepest depths of his pain, and cries in front of her. Mollie calls it his "voluntary surrender"--who or what he surrenders to is up for interpretation; Mollie does not take a stance. I do not have a definitive answer, either.

Ch. 54-56 are the wedding chapters. Mollie and Tommy have been increasingly cocooned away in their private world of softness and warmth, but as Mollie senses, it is an untenable state, and she responds by inviting Tommy into her life, little by little. Tommy is less attuned to this truth due to a variety of reasons. The nice reason: he's a hopeless romantic. The awful reason: he's selfish. He assumes that he could monopolize her time like he does when they're alone together, and that she is, undoubtedly, falling in love with him... but then at the wedding, he's plagued with doubts: she's surrounded by loving friends and family, and of course, there's a new rival who is her perfect match in every single way.

Ossi slots so easily into Mollie's life, getting along with her friends and family instantly. It goes on: he's in the same age group as her, shares the same heritage, is genuinely empathetic and caring, is intelligent, comes from a wealthy family, and is the most handsome man in the entire work (I said what I said). Mollie feels quite comfortable with him as well, immediately bantering with him, and letting him hug her twice when it took Tommy... 51 chapters.

Tommy is tortured by this, and there are small moments where one can observe the vicissitudes of his emotions:

Though his eyes searched my face, his body was motionless, the planes on his face severe. He finally spoke.

"How jealously they keep you."

This is the first time they speak at the wedding, and he is brittle, like glass just about to shatter.

He bent his head, gingerly kissing the tips of my fingers. That soft look through his lashes, irresistible in its surrender, was something that I had only ever seen when we were alone together.

Yet, after Mollie asks him to dance, he softens again.

Those eyes that I thought had been icy were now liquid, ringed by deep, tired lines. There was no tension left in his face, from the corners of his eyes to his jaw, to the soft wave of his hair across his forehead. He was not Thomas Shelby of the Peaky Blinders, he was just Tommy. Tommy, in love, in reverence, in devotion.

When they do finally dance together, the same thing occurs: Tommy is initially miserable but inevitably, he melts. He loves her above all else, and will endure pain to be close to her, even for a few moments. (One of my favorite foreshadowing lines is in Ch. 33: "We repeated this dance over the next few days, teetering on the edge of pain and pleasure.")

Tommy as someone to love

Since Ada revealed Tommy's love for her in Ch. 46, Mollie has been pondering what her feelings towards Tommy are. However, due to her romantic inexperience and her closed-off personality, she finds it hard to verbalize her feelings, even when we are following along in the first-person. Because of this, it is also important to look at the clues in her actions as well as any direct thoughts.

"So, I hear that Cara also requested that you make her a dress for May's wedding?" I said, not wanting to distract Thomas from trying to raise a piece of chicken to his mouth [...]

"I'll be there," he said, putting his chopsticks on the table. I fetched him another piece of chicken, placing it neatly into his bowl [...]

Picking up food and putting it into someone's bowl is a sign of great affection and care in many East Asian cultures. Personally, situations where I would do this would include seeing some relatives after a long time, someone's birthday, someone who has been sick... it's not a gesture that one would do every day in a normal situation.

Additionally, even though she teases his apple peeling skills, she eats it without complaint. This is a play on the East Asian stereotype where East Asians may not vocally admit their love for you, but show it through acts of service such as preparing fruit.

When visiting the grave of Tommy's mother in Ch. 51, Mollie slowly continues to think through her feelings. In the end, she realizes that they have grown so much closer, and her feelings are different than anything she has felt before. What exactly those feelings are, are still to be determined.

Ch. 52 contains probably one of the softest moments in the series so far, in which Mollie falls asleep in an armchair and Tommy kneels in front of the chair, waiting for her to wake up. Like most humans, Mollie finds it hard to look at him when he's being taciturn and severe, but this Tommy, all gentle smiles and let-me-go-get-you-a-coffee, is equally discomfiting, if not more.

The wedding chapters put Mollie through a tumult of emotions; comically, before the ceremony begins, she is paranoid for a few moments that perhaps Tommy was staring (he was not). When they finally talk together, we get the clearest signs of how Mollie's feelings towards Tommy have changed:

That soft look through his lashes, irresistible in its surrender, was something that I had only ever seen when we were alone together. The sounds of the wedding died away, and I felt myself transported to that place of quiet. The warmth spread through my hand, through my arm, through my body.

She references the surrender, but finally places it in context of their relationship.

In Ch. 55, Mollie ponders what it would be like to fall in love with Ossi:

I wondered what it would be like to be loved by, to fall in love with, someone like him... someone so free from the weight of his own existence, someone that wouldn't invite whispers behind my back, someone who accepted me from the beginning without question.

She doesn't fully internalize that her default point of comparison is falling in love with Tommy. It is unclear (to her, to us readers) at what stage Mollie is in with respect to Tommy: is she falling in love with him? Does she love him?

The final chapter of the arc naturally has many notable moments; I will highlight this one:

"Thomas…" I said, unsure of what I should say in return.

"This distance, even in a name," he said. My stomach churned to hear the deep note of sadness in his voice. I had slipped.

To me, this exchange is the most gut-wrenching of the entire work so far, an exchange that has been planned since the beginning. Very early on, Tommy insists that she call him "Tommy"--she does--but in her mind, she calls him Thomas in order to preserve mental distance between them. Tommy has always instinctively felt this distance; he has tried to bridge the gap--but the wedding eventually forces him to expose all of his frustrations ("What more can I do?").

The kiss scene

This scene has been on my mind since the very beginning. I started writing this story in February 2020, so very long ago, and a rough draft of their kiss scene has existed at least since end of 2021, nearly two years ago. Since then, it's undergone five major revisions and countless edits.

In the earliest version, Mollie was actually Tommy's date to the wedding, and the wedding would sort of be a public debut (but they wouldn't officially be a couple). The kiss scene would happen later at Tommy's house, when they were both winding down for bed. But, as I drew closer to the wedding arc, I thought this didn't make sense.

I also waffled back and forth about who would initiate the kiss: Tommy, Mollie, or would they mutually do so? In the first few drafts, I had Tommy initiate, but again, as I continued to write the rest of the story, I became conflicted. Mollie has been slowly taking agency over her life, and Tommy... well, I don't want to say too much right now for fear of spoiling, but here are a few important phrases that might give some clues:

He was not wearing the tuxedo bowtie any longer; the loose, unbuttoned shirt collar exposing pale skin underneath.

I knew that he was waiting for me, now.

"Could you ever love someone like me?" he asked quietly. I looked up to find his blue ones looking intensely into mine, lidded with desire, with hope, and maybe a little fear.

I also thought a lot about whether they would share a short kiss or whether there would be a more passionate exchange (various states of undress, makeout session, etc; strictly PG13, no sex), but again, it seemed too fantastical for the both of them to do such things at that point. Even so, it was important to show their physical chemistry, which is why I added the followup where Mollie bites his lower lip. It's a small gesture, but... in the words of Tommy, "everything about [Mollie] is torture."

For fun, here are all the almost kisses:

Ch. 23

"Step into the light, Mollie," he said. I did as he asked, stepping closer to him. He reached his hand towards my chin, angling it upwards. I could feel his breath on my face, his eyes searching mine intently.

Ch. 31

"You don't understand the nature of my business and my standing, and what I must say even if I…" he trailed off. He moved closer, our noses touching for a brief moment, his eyes half-hooded. I could feel the heat from his body rising towards me. I almost inhaled.

Ch. 48

He slowly inhaled, his lidded eyes softly focused on mine. I could feel the fabric flexing underneath my fingers, the wool of the outer jacket, the fine twill of his shirt, punctuated by smooth buttons.

"I've always loved…" The pressure on my hand increased even more, and I instinctively grasped at the fabric, feeling a sharp intake of breath rush through his chest. "... the feel of Shropshire wool."

Ch. 51

"It's nothing," I mumbled, afraid that he would coax the answer out, afraid that he would recognize how pliant I was in his warm hands. He leaned towards me, as if confirming my fears. There was that question again, and I was not ready to answer it. I leaned into his chest, a collapse of my own.

Ch. 55

"Thank you," he murmured. Thomas brought his hands just beneath my jaw, and slowly leaned in to kiss me lightly on the forehead. He inhaled deeply, his eyelashes trembling at the effort, his fingertips still keeping my face tilted towards him. Would he…?

The dress

Song revised the dress by adding the golden chains to silently protest against Tommy and how she perceives he holds Mollie back. The chains are a physical manifestation of shackles or a cage, but one could also argue they protect her as well and serve as a present reminder of the support of her friends and family...

His arms wrapped around me, his fingertips pressing against the gold chains and digging into my back. I had to break this porcelain fantasy, this brittle gilded cage.

[sogno-ao3]

random

I think once I finish Still Waters, I'll do a diy bookbinding! If it turns out well, perhaps I can make another copy to give away... or perhaps I can send some people materials to bookbind it themselves (:

[sogno-ao3]

i'm thankful for you all

i went through a pretty rough 2023-2024 (i'm doing just fine now!); you all probably noticed as i stopped updating as frequently. having still waters was so comforting to me, that i could escape into a story and also to know that i wasn't the only one who loved it.

ch. 56 concludes the chinese new year / wedding arc. i need some time to plan the next arc, but in the meantime, i hope to write a post describing some of my thoughts about the arc i just finished. i also am going to try finishing my pedro pascal fic as i need more smut practice for what's to come (pun intended).

happy new year!

[sogno-ao3]

still waters, ch. 56

ch. 56: torture // entire work

summary: I'm a seamstress at a local shop that Mr. Thomas Shelby frequents. I see bits and pieces into his life, until one day, I can't close my eyes anymore, and I see it all.

pairing: Tommy Shelby/Original Female Character(s)

rating: m (eventual explicit)

additional tags: slow burn, chinese character, coming of age, season one, feminist themes, first person, eventual explicit, character study, mental health issues, ptsd, introverts

words: 97,930

selected passage from ch. 56:

"Do you mind if we go somewhere a little more private?" He registered the alarm on my face and chuckled. "Nothing too far, perhaps just on the balcony overlooking the rose garden?"