soggycreal

[soggycreal]

a letter to myself

05/01/2018

You know, I always thought things would get easier. I thought by now, I would have friends who cared for me and loved me as much as I loved them and cared for them.  It’s really hard not get disappointed in people, I’m tired of saying fuck you, I can do better, I can find better. Why are all friendships circumstantial, why can’t I make friendships that last? Go the extra mile? If some of the worst people have friends they can count on, why can’t I? 

I remember watching Lizzie Mcguire as a child and thinking “why does she want to be popular?” “Why does she want attention from people who don’t even care for her?” “I would kill to have a gordo or miranda!” “I would be ecstatic for having two people that I can depend on!”  In high school I remember wishing that a magical transfer student would pop up one day and we’d kick off our friendship. (Spoiler alert, that never happened). In college, I remember telling myself that art school HAS to be the place where I find my people. I was quickly reminded of how wrong I was. lol 

Today I realized a pattern that was always there but I guess I was blind to it. While watching my sisters getting ready and going to yet another place without extending an invitation to me. I thought to myself “that’s the pattern, I see it now”.

I’m never someone’s first choice.

It hurts to write this because I guess I’m coming to terms with it. It’s probably something I’ve known this whole time but ignored it.

So... I guess right now I’m starting a new chapter? My journey for being my own’s first choice and investing in myself and my company. Not waiting for others and living life to the fullest on my own. I think I need to start being okay with my loneliness and not succumb to my hermit ways therefore not really living at all. I know it’ll be hard to break this habit, but I guess I’m one step closer to being a happier version of myself. A version where I stop feeling sorry for myself and start appreciating the great person I am. Being kinder to myself, I guess. 

Anyways, To quote the great Beyonce

“Me, myself, and I, that's all I got in the end That's what I found out And it ain't no need to cry, I took a vow that from now on I'm gon' my own best friend“

wow I’m cheesy haha but who cares.

cheers to being a better me