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[sofiazuhairin-blog]

One in Each Hand

"She's too weak, her heart cannot beat on its own now but the machine keeps her alive." Adrian's voice is shaking a little even though he tries so hard not to show how weak he is. Isabelle is there beside him and she is holding his hand tightly as if Adrian would collapse if she let him go.  And I am speechless for so many reasons but if you want me to list down a few, first, I can't believe that Addelyn is seriously going to leave me even when I have given to her every reason to stay. Second, it's our 5th anniversary tomorrow and I want to propose to her but Addelyn is actually dying. Third, Adrian looks so sad. It's obvious that he has stopped hoping. 

Adrian hopes for so many things but most of the time he hopes for Addelyn to recover quickly so that she can have a normal life. It's a nonsense wish and wishful thinking because we all know that it's impossible because Addelyn is dying and it's so damn obvious - but we want to live, we want Addelyn to live so we don't mind lying to each other, we don't mind lying to ourselves. Addelyn knows that we lie to her too but just like us she doesn't mind us lying because that's better than spending her last days with the truth that she's dying. I smile a little when Addelyn crosses my mind. It's so easy to smile when you can picture her smiling perfectly inside your head. I look back to Adrian, he is now sitting on the bench and his head drops so low as if his life has been taken away from him. Isabelle is still beside him, she's hugging him as she whispers comforting words to him.

I am always grateful that Adrian dates a girl as sweet and as kind as Isabelle. Isabelle never complains whenever she has to take care of Addelyn. Honestly, she can leave. She can date guys who don't have a dying younger brother but no, when she met Addelyn for the first time she actually fell for her. Of course, I fell for Addelyn the first time I met her too. Addelyn is just so lovable. You cannot resist her smile, her laugh, especially her eyes that are deeper than the ocean. Maybe, Isabelle fell for her because of one of those three reasons and I don't mind about it because I always want Addelyn to know that she is loved by many even when she is bald, even when her lips are chapped and she's as skinny as a skeleton. I want her to know that she is loved not because she's dying but because of the fact that she's beautiful and she is as kind as an angel.

I met Addelyn six years ago when were both eighteen. She happened to be my classmate and I was happened to be a jerk. I wasn't actually a jerk but as an eighteen years old boy it was so odd to have my heart beat like a drum whenever she was around so I chose to be a jerk. That way, she will hate me, and she will stay away from me but this is Addelyn we talk about. She is sassy, she won't back away unless you tell her what her fault is for you to treat her like a dog. This happened a year after we met, Addelyn just got back from a party the night before and his lips were so swollen that morning when I met her at class as if she was kissed by someone and I just can't stop thinking about how mad I was at the man who dared to kiss my Addelyn like that. Yes, my Addelyn, in my mind and heart, she is always mine. So I actually called her cheap for kissing around a random person and she glared at me and said: "What the fuck did I do to you that you won't give me a break? Did you realize that you act like a total jerk now?"

I remember myself smirking. "Give you a break? No, I hate you, remember?" I replied, confidently but she took a step forward and I lost half of my sanity upon seeing her flawless and beautiful face up close even when I have seen it thousands of times already, I mean, we were classmates so it was normal to see each other's face. 

"Listen, Noah," she called me with my name and I was actually feeling so nervous that I broke into cold sweats because I never thought that my name was going to sound so magnificent slipping out from her lips like that. "If you like me, man up," she continued and I was gaping in disbelief. I was about to ask her where the hell she got an idea that I actually like him but she was fast to talk again. She said: "You call my name in your sleep as if your life was depended on me when you passed out on the field three months ago. Stop acting like a jerk because I like you too. I like you a lot! Because I’m just a normal girl who loves a jerk like you." and I didn't even wait for her to catch his breath because the next thing I remember she was panting and we were kissing as if there was no tomorrow.

Long story short. We became boyfriend and girlfriend. It was two years ago when Addelyn was diagnosed with stage three of myeloma. Myeloma is a rare type of cancer that develops in plasma cells. Normally, in our body, plasma cells are responsible for recognizing and fighting off invading germs and infections but in Addelyn's body, the cancer cells overtake the healthy plasma cells and this causes a depletion of much-needed white blood cells. The thing about cancer, it's a fast and silent killer - and it's so damn unpredictable. Cancer is evil. Addelyn eats a lot of medicine, I can't even name them. She underwent countless of chemotherapy sessions. But since cancer is evil Addelyn is now lying on a hospital bed with a machine by her side that keeps her heart beating.

To be frank, I want to cry. I want to curse our fate for being such a jerk. I want to shout. I want to kick things. I want to kill myself. But Addelyn made me promise to her that I won't shed a single tear in front of Adrian for he is her pillar of strength so I don't cry. Yes, Addelyn loves me a lot and she hates to see me cry but she loves his brother more than she ever loved anything. Adrian is her mother and father. Adrian taught her to read. Adrian worked so hard to take care of her. Adrian is all she has - so seeing him cry is the last thing she wants to see. That's why I never cry in front of Adrian. I have to convince Adrian that Addelyn is alright, that I am alright.

I take a deep breath as I seat beside Adrian, he quickly looks at me with his teary eyes and he hugs me. "How come you're not crying, she's your whole world." He remarks.

I smile. He's right, Addelyn. You're my whole world but I am not going to cry because I have seen you suffer enough. No offence, but I'm actually glad that God is going to take you away soon. As much as I love you, I want you to be happy too. I don't want you to be in pain just because I want you to stay by my side.

"Of course, she is my everything," I reply. "But I won't cry. Not now. Not when she can listen to us. Not when she's hoping for us to send heraway with a smile on our face."

"But it's so hard," Adrian sobs. He sobs so hard that I can barely understand what he's trying to say.

"It is, but let's do this for one last time for Addelyn. Okay?" He nods his head. "Now smile," I add and he smiles, as wide as he can.

    Adrian is inside with Isabelle, they are talking to Addelyn but she isn't replying to anything they say, she can't. The clock strikes 3 in the morning and I am so damn tired that I can't even eat. My body is sore. My mind is blank. My heart is breaking. It's finally here, the Grimm Reaper is probably somewhere looking for Addelyn's ward and I couldn't even take a breath without thinking that in a few minutes (hours if the Grimm Reaper couldn't find Addelyn's ward) I will live without her by my side. Doctor Kim called us a few hours ago and told us that she is too weak, weaker than she was three days ago. So he asked us to get ready emotionally. Doctor Kim is silly. No one will ever be ready to lose someone they love but we nodded our head without much talking because we know that sooner or later Addelyn will leave us for a better place.

I take a glance on the clock again and it's 5 minutes past 3 in the morning now. Adrian is not going to leave Addelyn anytime soon, he has so much to say to her. So I take out my phone from my backpack which is packed with my dirty clothes but I find the tiny red box that I am about to give Addelyn two days ago instead. I open it and I see the ring that surely will fit perfectly on her finger. Of course, I am sad. No, I am beyond sad because she will never have a chance to say 'yes' but I know that if she can he will say it loudly, proudly and surely - and automatically a smile appears on my face. There's no way she will reject me, she loves me so much. I keep the tiny red box back and I take out my phone. I open my gallery and I am not surprised that I see a lot of photos of her.

I love taking photos of her. She's just so beautiful. Addelyn is like an ocean, she is beautiful from any angle. I come across a photo of her with my cats, I hate my dogs for loving her more than they ever loved me but then again no one and nothing can resist Addelyn, so they are forgiven. In that photo, she is smiling as Timmy licks her face and Jimmy is biting the hem of her tee shirt. She is wearing my tee shirt actually and I remember everything perfectly. It was on the 25th of June, she wanted to sleep at my house and I had no reason to turn her down. We kissed a lot that night. It turned out to be that she missed me because she was away for a few days for her chemistry decathlon. I thought that she was cute, so I kissed her hard on her lips before I told her that I missed her just as much.

And then I see a photo of her sleeping, I click to enlarge to photo. It was taken when she accidentally fell asleep at the library. Addelyn isn't a fan of biology but her best friend, Lisa made her study the growth of cells for hours. When I came to the library to fetch her, she was already sleeping and Lisa was staring at me like: "Your girlfriend is such a lazy ass, but she's cute, so she's forgiven." I smiled at Lisa, and then I thanked her for taking care of Addelyn. Lisa told me that Addelyn got tired easily lately, I told her that Addelyn was fine, but I lied. She was not fine. She just underwent a chemotherapy cycle yesterday and she threw up a lot that morning and that explains why she fell asleep. She was tired, but of course, she hates biology too. 

By the time I click on the nth photo, Adrian is already standing outside of the ward. "It's your turn," he says. Adrian's eyes are so red, and Isabelle looks as messy as he is. I could only hug him to assure him that we will be fine. I hug Isabelle too, and she hugs me tighter. I don't know what to say to her so I entangle myself from her and give him a smile.

When I enter the ward, Addelyn is lying on his hospital bed, of course, she hasn't moved an inch since last week. I take a seat beside her, and I stare at her for at least 10 minutes without saying a word. I want to remember her face. I want my brain to remember every corner of her face, I want to sketch the outlines of her face inside my head and keep it securely so that I won't ever forget how beautiful she looks like. I want to remember the shape of her lips. I want to remember her pretty eyes. God! I want to remember every inch of her. Every line, every mole, every scar - everything of her. Once I'm convinced that I have remembered everything about her face, I dare myself to hold her hand.

Addelyn's hand is cold, so cold – colder than her hand when I held it for the first time in the winter last year. I hold it tight before I kiss it. "How are you?" I ask but of course, she doesn't reply. "You know, sometimes, I wish you can tell me that you're alright, that you're fine and you're happy but then I remember how strong you are so it's okay. You don't have to answer me. I know you're alright, and you're fine. You'll always be fine, my love."

I smile a little upon remembering how strong of a person she is. She doesn't even complain about the chemo port on her chest, but I know that it hurts a lot. She doesn't even cry when the pain gets too intense, but I know that she is on the verge of screaming on top of her lungs. Addelyn is just so strong. She won't do things that will make us worry about her. She is convinced that she's alright even if she's not. "Lately, I think about you a lot. About what we could be, about what I can actually give you but I want you to know that it doesn't mean I regret that I date a dying girl. I never regret loving you, let alone meeting you."

"But I can't lie to you. When I think about you, I imagine myself coming home and seeing you waiting for me at the dinner table, and I hug you so close that you could barely breathe. I can actually see ourselves, a few years from now with four kids. We will walk around the park together, with one in each hand. And you're going to smile at me and say: "I love you so much." and guess what? I will be saying the same thing because I love you so much. So much." I cry. I know I have sworn to her that I won't but I cry because it hurts so badly. I can't do it. I am breaking into pieces.

"I love you so much that I give you a permission to leave me. I don't want to see you like this anymore. I don't want you to hold your tears, I don't want to hear you silently moan in pain, I don't want you to go through countless of surgeries anymore. I want you to be happy, somewhere up there. I am fine here, I am fine so if you want to leave, just leave. Every day, I pray to God to not take you away from me because without you I lose my way, I lose my purpose to live but then I realize that I am so selfish to pray for something that will put you through so much pain. I know I imagine us having kids, I imagine us waking up next to each other but that doesn't mean I hate being with you now. For God's sake, I don't mind being reborn in this exact universe all over again, as long as I meet you, I don't mind, love."

"But I don't want you to go through this pain all over again, so if you leave now, I hope we will meet again in a different universe where you don't have to leave me like this, where we both can live happily as a family." I cry harder than before. I kiss her hand again, and then I slowly take off the oxygen mask that is clasped around her face and quickly give a peck on her lips. I kiss her forehead and then both of her eyes, and I whisper to her: "I love you now, as I love you even then. I will love you more each day until the end of my life." I take out the tiny red box from my backpack, and I slide the silver ring on her finger - and then I ask: " Addelyn, would you marry me?"

She doesn't answer me, but I know, she'll say yes if she can.

    Addelyn leaves me a few hours after that.

She left me a note. Isabelle gave it to me a few days after she left.

She says: "Noah, I want you to know that I am alright. Yes, I'm in pain but you keep me going. I'm sorry that I have to leave you alone but I have told your cats to take care of you. They are more trustworthy than Adrian anyway. Thank you for loving me, thank you for making me happy. I owe you a lot, I wish I can repay everything but you know I can't. But I promise you that I will keep my eyes on you up in the clouds. I'll save you when you're in danger. I'll show you the way when you're lost. I force God to make me your guardian angel. Lastly, I know that you haven't asked me about it yet but I know you will. So here's my answer. Yes, Noah I will marry you. And I love you, then, now - forever."