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[snippetsofmydays]

rebellion of a burnt child

september, i am made of hatred and disgust. they run in my veins like bitter poison nauseating each steps i take.

i want to run miles and miles and miles. i want to punish these legs. i want to ignore these lips. i want these clutching fingers gone and my eyes given to those more deserving.

september and i am made of hopelessness and grieve. i fear october with every inch of skin. i am nothing but less. anything but enough. what is left of me? who am i, really?

020924. 16.46

bandung

[snippetsofmydays]

@kiisuuumii (forest fire)

[snippetsofmydays]

i was raised with fireworks inside my home. cymbals in both my ears. tempers of a ticking bom and eggshells for floors.

my mom is made of frowns and if you were to split her heart open it would seep dark clouds and acid rain. my dad's voice is thunder with words as sharp as lightning. belittling you so small, you'd disappear.

i've learned not to flinch, i've learned to be invisible. perfected my smile. not sounding nor hearing. don't speak. don't ask, questions offend.

i seek tenderness and soft spoken words. affirmations of good. a kind gaze and a warm smile for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. i seek, i search, i beg. give me mercy with your tone of voice. smile at me and i'll kiss the ground you walk in.

but i am my father's daughter. i'll call you out when you walk over me with my thunder voice and lightning words. i'll put dark clouds in your heart and acid rain but goodness, i pray, pray, and pray to be tender.

yhz hotel, bandung

31/08/2024 09.15 am

[snippetsofmydays]

the blue sky today says...

i am more than love letters and pretty words. my skin bleeds trying to limit all the potential i long to use. its a seam bursting with ambition and passion. i want to be needed. i want tired feet and satisfying sleep. i want organized schedules and planned meals. check what's in my blood, clean my teeth up. i'll take stairs to the sky. give me progress, give me vulnerability, give me all give me!

[snippetsofmydays]

11.39 AM 8/27/2024

A raise in my father’s voice and I’m suddenly 8 again.

In that forsaken house in Jakarta.

The sound of a car parking drills a pit in my stomach.

My memories are all jumbled up.

I’m here whenever I don’t belong.

 Giving, giving, and giving until I’m out of everything.

To put a limit on spending when your head is a scrambled mess.

My heart is covered in dirt and I’m putting more dirt on top of it.

I don’t want to be seen nor heard.

I don’t want to exist for the time being.

 I want to sit somewhere far where not even nature can judge me.

I feel shitty.

 I hate caring.

No amount of makeup can hide my insecurity.

I don’t like the skin I’m living in no matter the palette I tend to smear.

I hate when people look at me.

[snippetsofmydays]

a call for mercy

i'm utterly and devastatingly bewitched by your beauty. how many people have came and told you that they're hopelessly in love with you? helplessly devoted to your gaze. i die at the presence of your smile. i'd do anything to rake my fingers through your soft strands, whatever you want i'll do. i'll do it twice.

[snippetsofmydays]

Virginia Woolf, A Writer’s Diary, August 1921

[snippetsofmydays]

‏وكلُّ شيءٍ حُرمتَ منهُ؛ رُحمتَ مِن شرّه.

"And everything you were deprived of, you were spared from its harm."

[snippetsofmydays]

8/22/2024 9.15 am

Monologue of a sinful servant. 

Scattered words and scrambled thoughts. Loving for the sake of being loved and living to experience God's mercy. This is a monologue of a sinful servant. I disappoint You way too much, it seems. I know I do. I can't even process Your mercy. You are bigger than this little brain of mine can ever comprehend.

God, I am filled with anxiety and I'm too scared to say it out loud. I'm afraid that it might sound like I don't rely on Your plan. It’s ironic because I can't recall a time when i’m disappointed with your plan. God, there is a void inside my heart that I know I can relish if I just stay in sujood longer. Lately, I don't seem to have the energy to do so. I know I'm supposed to run to you but everytime i try to process it, it feels heavy.

Why is it that everytime a problem comes by, I walk away from you? Who do I think I am? I can’t possibly live without you, let alone breathe. Life is a scattered mess and all I have the energy to do is sleep. God, is life a complicated pattern of pulling away only to then crawl back to you? Thank you for waking me up before fajr. Why is the creator so forgiving and the creation is not?

God, I don’t think I deserve anything that is good in life. I feel unworthy. I don’t take care of the gifts you’ve given me and I die each time I fail to change. How do I have faith in myself when I’ve been the most disappointed in myself? God, I've been trying to fill the void with transient euphoric feelings that always end up giving me more damage. 

God, will you give it to me once I let go of every worldly desire? I constantly feel a shield watching over me from the desire. Is it you? Is this your form of protection towards me? Shielding me from things You know I won't be able to forgive myself from. God, I love you so much. You’re all I have.

[snippetsofmydays]

i dont mind losing you. -

[snippetsofmydays]

3.49 am 14/08/24

i'm sitting in the living room of puri. the definition of oasis in my vocabulary. green tea in a mug and jazz melodies ever so softly coming out of ka ima's forbidden speaker. i'm reading verses from the seventh heaven and poetries from the creation. literature always amazes me. i don't know when i'll find you but i want to hear you read me pretty words with a soft voice. i'm being good, saving myself for whoever you are. i'm here taking care of me, learning snippets of words, praying on time, and finding or creating who i want to become. i'm not interested in other people. it's quiet where i'm at. i want to make sure when i find you, you get the best of me. i'm making sure you'll get a warm blanket with pretty eyes. soft comforting voice and strong shoulders. the softest lips and filled eyebrows. i'm still learning. i'm taking steps. i'm trying to forgive myself, i'm trying to learn how to walk. these days i feel unforgiveable, undesirable, unworthy. comparison makes me feel tiny. stares crushes me. i overthink til my brain bleeds, i let people walk over me. i cry after i sin, my tongue feels distasteful. i feel unready for anything, for everything. i feel disgusting and disgusted and i'm sorry this is supposed to be a sweet letter to whoever you are but this is how i am right now. at now four am. with green tea still filled to the brim and jazz music no longer coming out of the speaker because the battery is dead. say, do you think i can ever be better? consistent, discipline, and just… good? what do you see me as?

4.13 am

the scent of green tea leaves on the back of my tongue, bitter and watery, as i read this book- peotry about kue putu

"fuu… tuu.. permisi-permisi, ini kue putu mari, mari beli, harganya cuma seribu, menanam terigu, kelapa, dan gula dalam cerobong kecil yang harum baunya

fuu.. tuu.. permisi, permisi, ini kuenya sudah jadi nama saya kakek penjual putu, gerobak saya dari rembulan dan kayu-kayu… piring-piring dari daun pisang, dan alas duduk dari kapuk dan belacu

fuu.. tuu permisi, permisi, kami harus pergi kembali menggendong putu sembari menunda pagi, membagi kue berisi mimpi.."

[snippetsofmydays]

[snippetsofmydays]

you've lost me, it seems.

i'm scrapping every inch of stain you've left in me.

no sound, no tunes, no inside jokes will remind me of you.

i forget things easily.

you've been here long enough, 

lunging on the sofa inside my head,

ever so comfortably while strumming your dainty fingers through your guitar.

it's about time you leave.

goodbye, you. 

you....

even now,

i'm losing the syllable of your name.

i don't remember your soft spoken voice.

your giggles. i can't recall.

you've lost me, it seems.

[snippetsofmydays]

[snippetsofmydays]

The Creator of the universe made me, as He made others beside me. He created, invented, and shaped me as He liked. How beautiful are His creations! He made two set of moons for your eyes. You have your father’s nose, as the one before him, and the one before him, the ones that many fell in awe with. You have the shape of cupid’s bow in your lips. The strands of your hair are salty weaves of the ocean. From now, you shall not wish for how He gave others.

[snippetsofmydays]