smalltownfag

[smalltownfag]

[smalltownfag]

Dun dun dun! I am finally deleting  grindr... Haha. I am abstaining from being the sex god I once thrived to be. I am trying for meaningful connections. Not ruling sex out but trying to move away from the intense short lived relations of my past... I've known many men, biblically, and each one is special and important. Sex is big deal. I learned to love myself with each one. And I would not want my 20s to be anything else. I will old lady front porch gossip about my adventures and of the nights spent in the arms of the men that molded me into the person I am today. I learned that my love is not mean for one person. I am meant to love greatly. The enormousness of my love is meant to be wrapped in the arms of more than just one man. Butttt... in my 29 and (almost) a half years, the longest relationship I had was 3 months. And that was 6 years ago. And the second longest? A month. The rest? Under a week. I'm the habitual single non committal homosexual man. And that gets old. And tiresome. I want comfortablitiy. I want to be able to say I at least tried that. I am almost 30. I don't want to be old and not have ever been loved for all I am. There is no room for who I am in 2 weeks. I created this slutty persona. It started self proclaimed... But somewhere down the line, it stuck. I became the person that has casual meaningless sex. With loose morals and a hunger for intensity. Haha well this hooker is hangin up her boots. I learned so much. I learned that being a slut is fucked up. It was hardest to watch women who fucked way less than me get ripped to shreds meanwhile my sexcapades became campfire jokes. And then it didn't pass. The more people i had sex with the less respect people had for me... Not the same plight of the woman. But it was still something i couldn't help notice. And that just pissed me off. So I had sex more. And talked about how much of  a slut I was. When someone called a girl a slut I was there to say fuck you. And then go into great detail about how much of a slut I  am. I slut shamed men anytime I saw a woman getting slut shamed. I stand by the fact that I hold no regrets. I got to see an ugly side of the world beautifully. I was honest with my partners. I didn't have a broken heart in  5 years. That's huge. I experience so much. But alas, I want more. I want butterflies and cuddles. It sounds so cheesy. I don't recognize these feelings. I am working through all of this shit ... And then i log on to the Grindr. Haha And its  just a bunch of lonely men looking for a momentary break from their loneliness. It's all dick pics before names and a constant flow of raunchy. Mixed with child looking 18 year olds with a daddy fetish (are you fucking kidding me! FUCKING DADDY FETISH?!?! I can't even!) And i am just too damn old. And too young for the normal as Mr. Rogers 55+ year old men. And mind you, I am not against older people. But mister Feeny looking guys with "discreet  buddy" as their username.... What about me is discreet? That's right nothing. So I'm deleting Grindr (and Growlr and Scruff...) out with that. And in with meaningful connections... (Love how this post started out as me about to bitch about Grindr and i just barfed out this long winded thing laying my entire sex life just  out there,  for the simple fact that a 18 year old boy once again said he was into guys with AND I FUCKING QUOTE Dadddddddd Boddddd! Ahhh! Wtf. I am chopping of my bits and becoming a fucking monk. I feel bad for the kid. I kinda flailed. Not meanly,  more pathetic in denial about your age sort of tone. I'm working so hard to stop feeling like 30 is a death sentence to my youth... to embrace that getting older doesn't have to be bad... Now I've  ranted so much I've run dry on the rant front and need to sleep. More bus stuff to do. I made a chess board on the dining room table. With a propane camp stove and a square  of steel. Wood burning as fuck!)

[smalltownfag]

Imagine A World Without Hate

[smalltownfag]

[smalltownfag]

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, Kiss me harder, and You’re a good person, and, You brighten my day. I live my life as straight-forward as possible. Because one day, I might get hit by a bus. Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands. But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate. And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care. We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans. We never know when the bus is coming.

Rachel C. Lewis (via lazypacific)

[smalltownfag]

Your back and forth is nauseating. Dizzy with your inconsistencies. No skin off my ness. I've seen beauty. I've thrown it back. Not the taste my lips longed for. I am addicted to the unkempt, the inconceivable notion that in others tarnish, I will polish my refection. Buff out the definition in which I lie. But the result. A more bitter view of how unholdable I am... "You could say I'm hard to hold. But if you knew me, you'd know."

[smalltownfag]

[smalltownfag]

💕 / blog

[smalltownfag]

[smalltownfag]

Once upon a time... There was a boy. Broken. That struggled to take all the violence and bared teeth., make it into something... Beautiful? Or at least something worthwhile. Struggled to find a bright birth of something meaningful. Smile busted. Unable to raise up. Demand retribution for nights left bashed. He saw the anguish, the unkempt. And he pushed past that. Bathtubs full of the bloody coagulated pain. Shaped into a breathtaking scene of beyondness. He found his place. Against all odds, he found peace. A piece of truth. And in that moment he blasted forth. A stone foundation for which others built themselves. His worth known. And he was happy, alone at that base level. But that loneliness began to gnaw away, all happiness he thought his reality. And in a second of truth he saw it. All the painted pretty pictures. False. He knew his truth. And in that scene, blood splattered and exposed. He found a stapled, post it note, of his needs. Shared regeneration. A simple statement. Thou shall bare all for the sake of a shared embrace. A minute alone with your truth, in someone else's arms. That was his quest. To share himself. And for the first time to find that fractaled mess of haphazardly heaped together perfection. And have someone deem that worthy to stop, take a deep inhale of all that made him beautiful. And he saw that, in deep seafoam eyes. He saw his hurt, projected through a different lens. He saw someone worth fighting for. Not just to build off his empathy. But begged to melt down the complexity of both souls. And come forth something better. But yet again... Lacking a cunt... That is the importance of this moment. Cast aside the beauty shared. Tossed away whiskey filled pretendness. You see this as a way to pass your time in chains. And he has given up everything he saught after, not regretfully, but alas.... Here he sits, the beginning of his anguish raw, filling the back of his throat. And even here, he will will praise your name. You aren't the one at fault. It is his inaccuracies that caused this ship to sink. And in the aftermath they both rise up. Better. Stronger. Learning a more real veiw of themselves. He walks away a more diamond strong, impenetrable boy. You having more reasons to see yourself unworthy. Despite him only wanting to see your brilliance. Somehow this lost its purpose. And in that is the flawed uncomfortableness. I just wish... Things could be seen differently.

[smalltownfag]

Watch: A whole bunch of celebrities reveal why they’re feeling the Bern.

[smalltownfag]

tattoos -

[smalltownfag]

tattoos -

[smalltownfag]

[smalltownfag]

[smalltownfag]

Sometimes, you make me not make sense. I look around me and wonder... Where is my mind? Is this where my past digressions have left me? Where do I go from here? Looped deloop inside these questions... But soon? Sun soaked skin is what will cure this. And this will become a place I sink my cup into for inspiration. When times aren't tough. Or when I don't have enough... In this land of too much? I find a voice to put it into perspective. Hindsight is 20\20.

[smalltownfag]