slothecosystem - Tumblr blog

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so often i fall between the crevice of wanting to learn to accept my body and love myself no matter how i look and wanting to be skinny and fit and look like the girls i see everywhere and despise with envy. why do they get to look like that without any effort and i look like this with my only effort targeted towards stuffing my face?

i try to rationalize and say it could be worse. i’m not the biggest person in the world.

first of all, what a hateful consolation technique - comforting myself by saying well i’d hate my body even more if i looked like her. i need to unlearn my deeply rooted internalized fat phobia.

second of all, what if i was bigger? i need to learn being fat is not the worst thing someone could possibly be. and of course i don’t really believe it is, of course i don’t. but when i look at myself in the mirror don’t i believe myself unworthy of desire? and if i believe that about myself what do i expect those bigger than me to think? about me, and my struggles, and how i view them and theirs?

my relationship with food has maybe never been worse. i am picky by nature and i avoid foods that are considered healthy bc i don’t like the taste or the texture. but i am addicted to the foods that are bad for you. when i taste something i like i feel out of control, like i literally cannot stop myself. i eat myself sick but always feel like it was worth it because i enjoyed the taste. and then when i see myself in the mirror i feel worthless.

so often i fall between the crevice of wanting to enjoy my life in regards to food - i don’t want to restrict myself from eating the foods i love and torture myself by forcing the ones i hate into my diet - and understanding that my relationship with food is unhealthy despite the fact that it is enjoyable. and how enjoyable can eating be when the result of eating leaves me feeling like shit?

this is what i am searching for:

how to learn to love my body for what it is without enabling my unhealthy eating habits.

how to learn to allow myself to enjoy foods i love without overeating so much so that it causes me physical and emotional harm.

how to learn that fat is not bad, not even when applied to myself.

i hope i will find out.

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i feel bad for people that don’t like florence + the machine

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Emma Hardy

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[via]

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Ticino, Italy // One Pic A Day

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Adelaide Brooks Johnson

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Heat , no 12  -   Peter Frie, 2015.

Swedish , b. 1947  -

Oil on plywood, 90 x 78 cm / 35.4 x 30.7 in.

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Toke Henrik Olesen

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small green river

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am i conceited - journal entry 1

i find myself wrestling with the idea. of my selfishness. of my sense of self. of my behavior in regards to me and not others.

what brought this up is the realization that i love to record myself doing any daily mundane activity as a performance and watch it back. trying to be interesting and funny and likeable to nothing and no one but a camera. a video that will be seen only by me. am i trying to impress myself? do i really find myself that interesting that i must find a way to live my mundane life twice?

not really. i think i do it to observe and analyze. to practice. how would others see me in this moment if they were there and not a camera. i am practicing “organic” moments. it’s like i feel that everything i do must be entertaining in some way. not that i ever have a large audience- not that i ever WANT to have a large audience. i only want to be interesting and likeable and funny to the people who already promised i am interesting and likeable and funny. i only want to maintain that idea. even this journal entry that i’m writing right now - i already previously scripted it in my head. last night before bed, thinking all the thoughts, organizing into the most interesting and intriguing way possible because i believe even my writing skills are above average with no formal background or previous confirmation. i am conceited then.

but thoughts and plans made before bed are equivalent to thoughts and plans made 8 shots in - they disappear the next day with nothing but trace evidence.

yesterday i asked him if he thought i was conceited. no, why would you ask that? on a scale of one to ten, you’re a five on selfishness.

that can’t be right. it’s my world, and you’re just living in it. everything my way. everything i want. i was the type of kid to cry and get angry if i didn’t get my way. be honest, i’m still that type of kid. never learned how to take rejection because really, for the most part, i do get what i want. but i have a hard time being grateful. expressing gratitude. it’s not in my wheelhouse. and then when things don’t go my way, i don’t know how to react, how to cope.

it’s also interesting to wrestle with the idea of being conceited when my self image could not be poorer. the self hatred and loathing and disgust - how can i be conceited when i hate myself? but really i guess i only hate what i didn’t get my way with. by removing the blame from myself about anything i don’t like - bad personality traits from my father, unfit body from medication, lack of self discipline from bad parenting - i’m able to have two sides. one that hates me, and one that thinks i’m worth everyone’s attention. well, everyone’s attention that i want. and only the certain type of attention i want.

so i am conceited. i need an ego death. i need to work on gratitude and assigning blame and being real and organic. and understand not everything is going to go my way all the time. and realize i’m not the shit at everything just because i want to be. i need less self hatred and less self obsession at the same time.

[slothecosystem]

journal

one of the many parts of this blog is going to be to serve as a digital journal. i am 23. my brain is still developing. i assume self discovery lasts a lifetime - but in this stage i have heard it is especially prevalent.

i think writing things helps me process. and it is a creative outlet. i enjoy it. one time in high school english lit i learned about stream of consciousness writing. i have been enamored by that concept since then. i want to try that out. i hope i can learn to utilize that technique to learn about myself.

i hope this journal is beneficial to me. a time capsule of my discoveries before my brain fully develops.