sleeplesslemon

[sleeplesslemon]

The Ultimate Test

This has been popping out on my mind recently,

A story about how christian faith was tested.

[sleeplesslemon]

Grace Upon Grace

January 4,

Been a year of not pouring out anything to this page. Thankful for such a long long journey.

2024 was indeed an another not easy year at all. From the very beginning to the very end, just difficult to explain how painful each steps I took, but thank God -- by His grace, I survived.

Another year of witnessing God's faithfulness, provision, and providence. Another year of sowing deeds with tears and discipline. A year of withdrawing myself from things that are "so me". A year of slowly letting the flesh died and letting Him take over the throne of my heart. A year of experiencing Him plucking more thorns all over me. A year of realizing that all the worst in me has been paid off on the cross.

In all seriousness, how can I be loving when my heart is hurting? Some days are better than others but other days I remember how painful my event was and I feel like I took a step back or two.

"If all I need to do is to love, then who will love me?" "If all I need to do if to forgive, then who will heal my pain?" "If all I need to do is to pray for them, then who will pray for me?" "If all I need to do is to fill their cup of love with patience and love, who will fill my cup? I cannot pour out thing from an empty cup."

"You cannot take anything from me and expect me to stay still, God. You took my person, the one who always did that for my sake. Who will fill my cup of peace and strength if You take anyone away?"

All these I shouted to God every single second when I begged Him to heal my painful heart and mind. I felt that He was being unfair. How did He ask me to do things that will hurt me more in order to do the work in me?

With all the strength remains in me, I tried to keep up and move on. A little step to a tiny progress, in a long way path. T'was a painful movement, not a wonderful sight to see. Saw myself letting go of me slowly, saw myself surrendering painfully but more often. Along the path, I became to recognize I was left with no strength at all. I was moved, I didn't move myself. I took a look back and saw those footprints, I was so confident they were mine. Until I realized my feet ain't that size.

I know every step was God's providence upon my life. Not in any second I was forgotten, left, nor forsaken. In every difficulties where I found myself stuck and at the deadlock, He showed me the way. He made the way out. He carried me through the way, so I was able to be set free.

From the very first day of the year till the very end, all was only by His grace that made me finished the year. Every single tear shed reminded me of how faithful my God is. Every single doubt that I felt reminded me of how strong my God is. Until I was made to believe that He sovereigns over everything, over my life, over my plan. Just everything in this life.

The year where I learnt to give up my future into His hand, for knowing that He will take the lead of it. The year where I learnt to lean on nothing or anyone but Him alone. The year where I learnt to be more loving to anyone because everyone just deserves to be loved as how I am loved. The year where I learnt that everything He asks me to, He has already provided everything for me to do. The year where I learnt that loving won't keep you safe from being hurt but it is worth doing. The year where I learnt that love could be so pure and great that no one else in this world would probably had done it greatly. The year where I realized that I am loved ever since my name was written in the book of life.

The year where I was made to believe that I am a person full of thorns who will likely to hurt anyone including me, but He took all the thorns and worn them as a crown on His head -- where it bled Him to death.

Jesus did it all for me. His love mode Him do it.

The year where I was made to realize that I am fully loved and redeemed by His blood, simply all because of His grace.

[sleeplesslemon]

Blasting on The Year

January 11,

11th day of the year, still in the welcoming 2024 vibe. Still vibing, and still hoping, ofc.

2023 has given me like a many of roller coaster rides. Throwing up after them and got traumatized yet relief -- idk if you actually get what I mean, but yes it is. I just can't describe it in easier imagery.

I just can't understand, no no.. it's more like I just can't accept that people are much different from what they're supposed to be. I was expecting and even believing that what sticks to them as their image or status, cannot even define of who they are. I was expecting that what they're inside is as well what they're seen and known outside.

Probably I was just too naïve. Guess that's what "inner beauty" is all about.

Now I understand why people always speak the prayer "hope you're great, happy, healthy, and beautiful inside and out". Guess, there is more than just 1 face (or personality) to be groomed.

I just can't understand people. I know human are complex (scientifically), but I never knew if they're just as complex as it is -- even the word complex might not correctly describe them. I thought what we're feeling, thinking, and living are what make us earn the image and status, but I guess I was wrong.

You need to be great at tricking and twisting words to make yourself lovely and lovable, you need to kill-hurt-and ruin people to make yourself win the competition of being loved by people. You need your tongue to be sharpened as a sword so you'll take less time to kill people by just few words, you need to make people trust you by first to bring down someone so you can win the greater persona.

Isn’t that crazy and tiring? To live as a many someone in just one body?

I strongly disagree with overusing everything -- literally everything including status and power.

This is not something I recently discovered, I knew this thing is a common in life but I was just in shock knowing how opposite it is the authentic and the counterfeit ones. I was kinda wondering, how much does it take the energy of them to behave much way different from who they really are. Just for perserving their "asset" to be liked and accepted.

I know status is powerful, we can control everything with status. The higher or holier, the easier it comes. Money and fame come flowly. But, why are you forfeiting things that are sacred for your own? It damages the actual essense of the object.

But in other side, I was so grateful for getting chance to discover people's true color and the essence of persona. It was an awesome journey of how I was being hardly distructed and formed again as how He wants me to be. Not to be like me, but to be like Him.

I began to understand nothing and no one in this world is as the same as Him, therefore I should not put my faith in the other object than Him alone.

Was that easy? Nope, not at all. I gotta exercised myself every single second. It was full of rage, disgust, hatred, and isolation because somehow it was traumatizing for someone who is so difficult to connect with people like me. But every single will matter, every single willingness pushed a little further in every step of the journey.

That has been a year, what a long way I've been, and still a long way to go. I can't say if that's a wonderful journey, it was indeed painful and traumatizing but I'm glad that happened.

It was like being on a twisting roller coaster and you be vomitting so hard after and it be traumatizing you. You began to take steps going further, take a glance back with a heavy heart and a relieved one at the same time and saying "phew... I made it. I am out of it. I am done with it. Not gonna deal with it anymore."

Dear 2024, I don't know what you'll bring to us but please at least be a little kind to us. I was knocked out last year I'm sorry this time I might not remain stronger as anyone always wants. I was so overloaded I was about to explode :/

[sleeplesslemon]

What If This Isn't Worth It?

I believe this question has pops up million times on your mind, as well on mine. For quite long time, I can't even decide either to go forward or just stop.

Yes, the shoe fits. At least on me. I don't know which to take, which to leave, what to do. I was so confused and silenced by the noise of doubt on my mind and heart.

I am counting on the risks, counting on my capacity, turns out everything is below what I can handle. But at the same time, there can't be no decision to be make, and there has to be one.

As someone who counts everything perfectly to minimize the risks, a minus result is what leads me to death. Yes, I might die of depression if I see my plan would be ruined let alone if it's caused of my wrong calculation. I cannot see my future being disrupted by my wrong choices. I cannot risk my future being disrupted by how clumsy I am.

That's why I often get stuck and stop and worry, what if things go wrong. What if all that I do ain't enough. What if what if and more what ifs pop up on my mind they haunt me like crazy.

"Trust Me..."

As they always interfere me that way, His soft voice as well keep on whispering me "trust Me". I was so confused. No, I'm not confused about what God means, but I was so confused like... this is such a big deal if it fails. And there looks no chance (or way) to winning. I've calculated everything and got no answer. Yes Lord, I trust You. But how? I don't understand. I cannot lose anything behind, I may not face that risk. I'm not afraid of losing things, I'm afraid of dealing with people about how mad they'll be if I lose things.

I was so frustrated, I just never be ready of facing those people who are so deadful to me. I just can't face people. That's the point.

I was faced with two difficult choice:

to take the risk of being crazy because of people, or to take the risk of being crazy because of my own thoughts are haunting me.

Being killed on the outside or on the inside. That was the choices, I gotta choose.

Until I began to take a leap of faith. I took the risk... of being killed on the outside... I didn't know how that would be in the future, but I choose to live inside a dead body than to die in a living body.

I choose to stand up for my soul, for He has also spoken to me in a way my soul is being relaxed in a peace I cannot understand. That peace I cannot understand, yes. It is one I never got from anyone or anything in advance.

Long story short, I began to lose everything for following His will. I began to lose myself, I began to lose everything I was holding on too tight, I began to lose everything that I thought was my life. It was hurt, it was painful. But at the same time I feel relieved cos I was feeling like I'm on a path I'm not walking on, but being carried on.

It was like I was moving but with less effort, not because I don't want to but because I had nothing for a move, just a faith and surrender. These little feet are not that strong to be on the harsh rocky ground. Or maybe this little girl is just too exhausted to live the world by herself all alone.

Until the journey, I am sometime still wondering "what if this ain't worth it". If you're asking, it is worth it? I would actually say...

Worth it, it's not because you're promised to achieve the goal that you planned, but it is worth it because you'll gain something that excess everything in this world. And it will not satisfy your flesh, but your heart will be rejoiced once you get to know and walk with Him personally.

So, anytime someone something or yourself doubt you with a question "is it worth it?" -- tell them the answer is YES. It is worth it. I don't know what you'll gain in return but one thing for sure, experiencing Him in every single step of your journey is what your heart secretly longs for. And you're gonna be satisfied in a word this world won't even understand.

[sleeplesslemon]

Spelling Love

Still about people,

I tried my best to accept people, but what did I receive in return? Pain. Therefore I don't wanna accept anyone anymore. Living alone is the safest thing to do.

But it’s not what God desires in life. He desires a life that is designed alone by Him. He has purposes for every little thing. He has purposes for every existence.

I always want to live a life with less people around me. I am getting even more sick of people and how they treat each other. I don't like being hurt for foolish reason.

I don't want to continue, but that's not what God wants. For God loves people as well as He loves me, I should do too.

He says, it’s impossible to love Him but not loving people. To love Him is to as well love people. That's what He said.

But sometimes I think that's a kind of different? Like, I love God because He never intends to hurt me. But people? It’s a different story. I can't love the ones who hurt me and happy with it. I can't love people who disrespect me. I can't even love people who think of their own and sacrifice me to fulfill themselves. It’s a different, God never does any of these all. But people, their hearts are far away from kindness.

But to live with a true Love, can't be only just living together, but to also will get impacted time by time. We’ll grow alike mirroring our Father, whom we claim us to live with. If we can dis-love people, then we don't actually live with and understand the True Love is.

We can't just be great at spelling the love but failing at living it. To love God is to love people, including your enemy.

[sleeplesslemon]

Forgiving

One classic word, million pieces of shattered heart. One be so classic that everyone must be either getting tired, or getting used to.

Everyone has been there. Being told to forgive, but left alone with the "how to do?" Like... how? when your heart is died of burning, your head is spinning around wanting to murder them who hurt you, how? How would you even forgive when you're shattered into million pieces? Perhaps a piece of you would forgive, but how about the other pieces?

I think it's quite true, we forgive when we know they already get what they deserve.

But no, that's not the point of forgiving. It's more like vengeance rather than forgive.

Then, is forgiving a verb that is impossible to do? I mean, how do we really forgive without even having rage and pain left in us?

We will never be able to forgive each other if we never know the beauty behind forgiving. I know it's not easy to forgive people, despite of what they've done to us. Compared to the pain we receive, they definitely don't deserve any forgiveness at all. Yeah, I know.

They say forgiving helps us, not the other way around. Maybe all of us won't get it, how would an action that hurts us more is actually helping us more? Isn’t that just us adding a gain more to the ones who hurt us when we want ourselves and them to be equal in pain?

But then someone came and explained and taught me a lot about forgiving. He said, forgiving never based on anything but Christ alone. We didn't need to take a pen and jot down someone's mistakes and calculate the portion of our forgiveness to be equal as what they have done to us. What we need to behold is the Cross, a symbol of true forgiveness. Even when His enemies never asked for apology, He decided to submit Himself as a sacrifice to the Father.

Because we learn from Jesus, we learn a lot that forgiving never needs them to ask us for the apology first. But instead to always pray for them. This is crazy, this doesn't sound good at all for us as victim. But Jesus never taught us about victim mentality, but His kid mentality. A victim, might be. But no matter what happens, we are His children.

He wants to tell us that forgiveness has beauty, He wants to tells us that forgiveness is what everyone needs, including ourselves. He tells us that forgiving each other actually helps both party. Us, and them. We admit and release the pain to God for He understands us. This means, we don't need to store the pain in our heart. And for them, they'll still get the love God gives to them, through us. Actually, it's a win for both. We don't lose anything by forgiving them.

But indeed, it is gonna be much painful at the beginning. What makes it painful isn’t that we choose to let people being forgiven, what makes is painful is that our ego isn’t being well-fed at all.

And that is PAINFUL.

What we want is to not them to redo the action, but we want them to also get paid for what they've done, would be better in more painful ways than we receive. This is the problem. This is the core of our unforgiving attitude.

Yes, this is the ego of ours. And what we call forgiving is when they receive the same pain as equal or much more than ours.

No, this world has distorted what God has taught us. God taught us to forgive as we're forgiven by Him alone without us even asked from the very first place.

Yes forgiving hurts, but it doesn't hurt you. It hurts your ego, not you.

You're all good, cause you do and listen to what He wants, not to your own soul.

[sleeplesslemon]

The Corrupted Church and Ministry

it’s true, you don't quit your ministry because of the activity. it’s always because of the people. 

yes, we don't work for the people, we work for God.

but, to be in a place where the people hurt us along the way by the words they speak and action for reaction is a different story.

and by the time, the ministry itself is not about serving and feeding people, but being merciful to the one who hurt us just like Jesus being merciful to the ones who sent Him on the cross.

feeding and supplying people is the ministry, but the personal character building happens thru the inner conflict and response. and it is also a ministry to still love them like Jesus loved His enemy hahaha but I fail at being merciful for now, so it’s better for me to be away.

yes, church can be a hogwash but Christ is real. and He is the real Church. so if you work for church, make sure your church is Jesus. not any other church.

don't let what you've seen and your reality corrupted the true teaching of Jesus about Church. don't let what happened to you dictate the Truth.

[sleeplesslemon]

Christianity is Not Easy (At All)

I have a massive conflict with having mercy on people who hurt me. Unintentional mistake is forgiven, but unintentional mistake that happens more than once is no longer unintentional. And there are people hide behind their best defense

“it is me, i cannot change it. Sorry if i hurt you but it is me.”

To be pretty honest, I don’t ever tolerate that kind of defense. I believe in people are equally given: heart, consience, mind, and wisdom to distinguish the good and the bad, the right and the wrong. And “it is me, i cannot change it. Sorry if i hurt you but it’s me” is the biggest ego that ever happens in a man.

I used to be one of them. I defended myself and hid behind “take me as i am, or leave if you don’t like it”. I loved myself way too much to let anyone change me.

Long story short, there came a moment God transformed me from a cold and stone-hearted into someone He desires me to be. He has given me a new heart as He desires it to be. I began to believe that every man is able to quit and be transformed if they fully surrender and let God fully take the charge. So many people taught and shared their journey story with me and I unexpectedly witness the pre and post version of their transformation. And it happened in and to me as well so I have full faith in no man and no heart is too difficult for God to change.

And there are people, who worship God better (and probably more often) than me, who devote deeper than me, whose church-ly status is mightier than me, whose church-ly fame and function are more important than mine. And they happen to hurt me based on their personal matter over me. I don't care about what status or things I have in church, I care about how the church actually being the church.

It hurts a lot until i don’t believe in church anymore. The great Gospel-centered sermon and church seen and sounded bullshit to me. I don’t believe in people can’t be transformed by the Gospel. If people hear, listen, read, speak and talk about the Gospel, it will also affect their lives align to the Gospel, consciously or not. Even if the Gospel is a tool of sweet tongue for church marketing, I believe the Gospel itself is a living and powerful deed that will also work within people WHO LET THE GOSPEL DO THE WORK WITHIN THEM.

This is what i believe about the Gospel and the men.

And there are people with personal issue with me and how they treat me hurts me a lot like crazy. And I’m in a position where i no longer have place and power to reply, but mine is to pray and forgive. Sometimes, i feel this is pretty much unfair. I have less problem and hurt with forgiving, praying, and being merciful to the unbelievers, but to the believers or Christ-child or God’s servants or whatever they claim theirselves to be is another different thing.

I am, the one whose position, power, status, and whatsoever are less then them — is being told and stopped by God to hurt people and be being told to be mindful of treating people the way God wants me to treat them, then why people with greater churchly nouns ain’t being told by God the same way? I don’t like being hurt and i don't like knowing that i am not being able to reply and knowing they’re also not stopping the attitude. I feel that Christianity and church are nuts. I feel like God is being unfair to me and i feel like I’m the one that’s pressured much to always do what God want to not hurting them back BUT AT THE SAME TIME, they still do the thing; hurting, hiding, being cutely innocent and still claiming glorifying the Gospel. They told me to love the church. They told me to keep the focus on the church, not the people.

The thing is, the people are also the church. The church itself doesn’t stop at a building, but it is also the people who go out of the building and living the life as they do inside the church. I don’t believe in paradox of Christianity. Christianity doesn't have grey area. You cannot wear the attribute and do the attitude of Christianity in the church and but then take them off once you leave the church main hall. You cannot speak something so sweet and full of Gospel in the church on sunday but then mock someone by the chat on monday. You cannot treat people lovely at the church and treat them trashly once you step in your car and leaving the church. You cannot distinguish the Christian life in and outside the church.

Your Christianity life DOES NOT only happen at the church. YOU ARE THE CHURCH.

And i know everyone will fail, but for me, if you really set apart your life in and outside church, if you set apart yourself with and without Jesus, then you’re a true failure.

And these people totally hurt me a lot by the way they treat me. What hurts me more than the attitude is, the “not-allowed” place to payback and defend myself by doing more harsh than they do. And i realize, this attitude is not me but God. God stops me and telling me softly that those things ain’t my stuff anymore, but mine is to releasing mercy and keeping on praying for them. And i somehow think this is unfair. If the reason God telling me is because I am a child of Him, then He must be doing the same to them, but the fact, they still do the sh*t. I told God too many times, almost every day and every night that i have imagined them being stabbed on the head with a knife so that they also feel the pain and will also suffer.

All the time God always patiently and lovingly tell me to be merciful and keep on praying for them. Well, i also let God know that the prayer i pray for them is not a prayer of good, but a prayer of curse and death. I really have no mercy at all or even a bit.

I cried at many nights, telling God how i hate it that He also died for them, i told Him that He shouldn’t be died for them. I don’t wanna be called family in Christ with them. I wanna be where they’re not, I don’t wanna share the salvation and grace I received from God alone. I just don’t wanna be in the same circle and place and community or whatever it will be with them. I don’t want them around me and i don’t wanna share every great and graceful thing i have with them.

Until God reminds me something; that this life is never about me or them, but Him in every one of us. If He was willingly to die for them, then He also planned to love them the way He loves me. They’re also chosen to die for, just same as me. They or me ain’t the main character. But Jesus is.

Shifting your perspective is never easy. Swallowing the pain and resentment ain’t easy. Letting God taking the control while we’re so hard on ours will never be easy.

But we know that everything will be worth it in the end.

It is not because we will get the things we want, but at the end we will gain what we eternally need.

If you ask me now;

did i forgive them? I am not even closer to forgiving. I still have the wish to kill them by stabbing them too many times so that they will suffer for a long time and enjoy the pain.

did i get better after understanding what God wants me to know? Not even close to better, instead it gets worse and harder to walk with Him with resentment and hatred to people. Why? Bcs He never wants me to bring those two things with me. He wants me to leave them behind and keep on doing what He wants, while I’m still holding on my pride and protecting my heart so the pain won’t get greater. The only thing i think to get even is for them to also feel the pain they caused, then I’ll be easily to move on. But it will never happen.

Guess still, i need a help from all of you to pray for me so that i will slowly release my heart and my pain to Him to take care of. Bcs its not easy to see them in front my eyes and them being okay and fakely innocent. I don’t feel like they’re  worth a life but who am i to judge. It’s never my place to do this anyway, and this is not what God wants me to do.

Yes, it is not easy. Christianity is not easy. But life will get whole lot better when Jesus is the reason. But making Jesus the reason is not easy.

[sleeplesslemon]

May 24

this world has too much to offer but none of them are strong enough to stick forever. how fool a man must be to keep holding on to the one that's fragile and boasting in the ones that won't last.

[sleeplesslemon]

but My child,

no matter how far you go, no matter how many times you fall, no matter how dark the place you're stepping in, no matter how deep the pit you fall into, I am always with you. your Father in Heaven always looks at you.

[sleeplesslemon]

The on Loop Season

A life is a book of seasons. Some seasons to weep, some seasons to be happy, some seasons of doubts, and else.

Yeah, its just the 45th day of this year and things are happening. Too many happening out of my plans. Too many happening out of my expectations.

If you get to know me, I'm a person who can't handle surprise. Yes, either it’s a good surprise or a bad one. Just whatever we name it surprise, I'm not really into it. Yes, even some of them direct me to joyfulness, but my heart beats even faster to surprise. Not that excited feels but worry feels. Weird, ik lol. Same thing as thing goes out of my plans. I'm a person who's discipline enough with plans and the backup plans. A very brilliant over-thinker who overthinks to the very end. And this over-thinker is scared of failure. So imagine how prepared and discipline I am with my own plans.

I don’t ever like it if God wrecks my plan. My days went very well and neat and not a single thing went out of what i planned but God decided to give a massive touch. It shakes my faith in God. It sets apart my faith of God, I know He’s love but in other side I don’t know if He loves me. I’ve lost my faith, I’ve lost myself, I’ve lost everything I am and I have. I no longer think life is worth fighting for. I no longer think to wake up in the morning is exciting.

The season of not wanting to face anything and move on for I’m too scared what today might do to me. I don’t even believe in God watches for me anymore. I’m dying to stay in the dark, when no eyes can find me. I wanna stay where I can be fully honest about how broken and messy I am. Where I don’t have to put on that “I’m okay” face to away from the “how are you” question. I am broken and I just wanna be honest. I can’t do this anymore and I just wanna be real honest. I can’t even connect to people and I just wanna be real honest. It takes me a whole lot energy just to accept that today I’m still alive, that I still have today. It takes me a whole lot energy that I need to get up and acting everything is fine, yet the day still offers me no kind thing and I have to go through them all. I am given no choice, but to stick still.

And somehow, I can’t even resist my everyday question: God, where are YOU? Are You even here with me? Cos I don’t feel You are.

I feel like the world has done too much compare to what I’ve done. I thought I’d be safe with wherever You are but to be real honest, now I am not. My enemies fight even stronger and I’m lost to them.

God, You said that You prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies? But God, where have You been? You forget about me?

In the darkest, at the lowest, You promised You’ll be there. But God, You’re not there. I can even behold at nothing except my failure. I can even behold at nothing except my enemies. My enemies consume me, my enemies finish me. My faith runs low, my faith runs fading.

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me.

[sleeplesslemon]

A Reflection on 2022

I know, 2022 was a year we hoped on to. We hoped that it would go way well than 2020 and 2021. In fact, the year happened in different way to everyone but seemed like it still went ugly to many of us.

Well, probably it’s safe for me to say that it’s fair that unfairness happened to all of us.

The year has taught me that whatever happens, happens. No matter how hard I tried to stop the good become bad, or the bad become worse. Whatever meant to happen, happened.

In one side, I am glad that I got to learn to surrender. A brilliant lesson I got from the years behind. But to be completely honest, I might not pass the test yet. It is for me still hard to surrender and to not monitoring whatever I have left in God’s hand. It is difficult for me to chill even tho’ I know that God is in control.

Days went by and I saw none got even better. I lost hope, and I felt weaker at the same time. How could I hang on to something that is so blurry and unclear. The conflict arose, between what I see and what I believe as the Truth. My mind somehow believes in how God helped me in the past, and also at the same time believes in what was captured by my sight. I thought a lot, probably too much. But my heart, it’s a different story. It kept on telling me to just relax because it knows God handles everything.

The war began. I felt like stupid, I felt weak. I hate knowing as a weak one. I like to appear calm and reliable. But how possible it is to have a war within you and to stay reliable? How would I help and serve people when I am a mess on the inside. I never knew the answer, and probably I'll never know the answer.

Until one moment, God reminded me that He never ever wanted me to appear strong in front of Him. He just wants me to be honest for who I am. He gently reminded me that it is through my weakness, Jesus’ power is perfected. It is through my darkness, the Light illuminates brighter. It is through my inability, I understand that God is able. It is through whatever attacks me, His grace is sufficient, His power is perfect in my weakness.

Well, it is weird for me to confess all that happened. I feel weird to be sad and broken, I feel weird to be frustrated, I feel weird to feel drain, I feel weird to be not ok. Probably the second verb is not “feel” but “confess” or “appear” or “show up”. I felt everything deeply within and I think only I understood. People will not no matter how hard I try to share. I feel like there's no use to share cos people won't probably understand.

But then again, God reminded. That it is never okay to be individual. Maybe I am a lot for some people, and maybe I appear individual in a community, or maybe I find it hard to blend in and be a part of community. I told God, it was impossible for me to be fully planted and grow in a community. The darkest part of me, I can't show them, I can't tell them.

And that was the moment I tried to open up, not to people but to God. My emotional roller coaster, I handed them to God. I let go of whatever chained me. I didn't say I succeed. I failed. Just like the very first I wrote, I failed. I failed to surrender. And there was the seconds popped up on my mind: “the Gospel is great, but my problems are greater.”

I know that was wrong, and that was dangerous. but once again, God told me that it is that I need to shift my focus. The precious one wasn’t my problem that got greater, but is God who is all the the greatest.

The lesson I got from the year (or maybe years), surrendering to God needs to be done all over again. Seconds by seconds, day by day, morning to morning, in every AM and PM. The Gospel itself is needed to be repeated all over again. Let the Gospel transforms the heart. The Gospel never guarantees that by letting It lives and transforms us, life would get better, easier, and comes with less troubles. It guarantees us that whatever happens, God Himself will be with us in whatever ups and downs we're going through. His promises will not be broken and forgotten, His characters will never change, and Him alone will never leave.

Life will not come with less trials, but no matter the numbers of trials, God stays with me through the thick and thin (s).

Just one precious lesson I got, and still a lesson I'm learning until my very last breath.

That God stays faithful. In no matter season I'm going. He is faithful. Not because of what I did, but because of who He is. He never failed, and He will not fail.

Thank you, 2022. you happened to show me about how faithful my God is.

[sleeplesslemon]

I Traded Jesus, Costed Cheaper than 30 Pieces of Silver

I am always excited for sunday, and wednesday. It is always because i like this kinda surprise. Not a surprise in form of present or anything else, but its about what will feed my thought and heart in return back from the church or people whom i expect bringing the Gospel.

Last sunday, my pastor was comparing about living life as Mary and Judas. I had no idea this ever happens in current life.

Mary, a woman who broke the bottle of her expensive oil and poured it over Jesus head. Seems like wasting such a valuable stuff, the worth compared ain’t just the same for the oil and for what it was broken for. But Mary told us here, that the worth of her oil is so least than anything compared to whom Jesus was for her. It was because Mary knew how beautiful Jesus was for her, and her oil was nothing compared to Him even her oil probably was so pricey and worth a lot in the market back then.

While Judas, he saw that the oil was way too expensive and to pour it over Jesus was a big waste. He knew Jesus was beautiful but then ok, what else? He was capable of doing anything but yeah, that’s Him. “isn’t He God? So yeah, just something normal. That’s why He is God.” Probably this was what crossed his mind.

For Mary, Jesus was beautiful for who He was while for Judas, Jesus was beautiful for what He could do.

And the heart always leads to what choice you’ll take.

While Mary decided to break her expensive oil and pour over to His head, Judas decided to sell Jesus worth as 30 pieces of silver.

We felt pathetic to this story, about what happened to Jesus from Judas and Mary side. I know, we will judge Judas and be mad at him for selling Jesus in return of worthless amount of price.

I know it, i was there too. But then one sentence my pastor said “do we even realize it that we also have sold Him? Maybe not for 30 pieces of silver, but in a form of something else.“

Then i realized something last night when i was at my small group o’clock (yes, this is such a routine i do wednesday, we do a review, a sharing and a deeper digging about God in our lives). I traded Jesus for something was cheaper than 30 silvers. I traded Him for my own stupid excitement.

I was having an argument and negotiation with God about things that would free and excite me from my heavy heart. I heard God telling me i should’ve not done this but still, i didn’t listen. I knew what matters to God maybe the stuff, but what matters most is what for I submit myself to it.

Well yes, i thought a short “sinful” night would never hurt anyone except me. But then I forgot God, hmmm no. I didn’t forget God, i just looked away from God and told Him that a shot or two would be just fine as long as I’m not hurt, as long as i am able to control myself.

A shot and two, things went “just fine” then i fell deeper into the sea of sin. I enjoyed my dip in the midst of guilty feeling. I didn’t feel guilty bcs of myself, i felt guilty bcs i knew God’s heart was hurting and He was sad and crying with me shutting down His voice and forgetting all about Him.

But I knew He loves me too much to let me wander around the sin, He sounded thru someone (I forgot who) about His heart. Just by a simple chat i read on that night and i felt the whole sadness and brokenness flowed thru my blood and i didn’t think further, i left the spot. I left whatever was in front of me and whatever was in my grip. I left in a hurry, couldn’t wait to say sorry for hurting everyone who were hurt. I knew Jesus was hurt.

I knew. I traded Jesus way cheaper than 30 silvers.

I realized i broke His heart for just a temporary silly excitement. I should’ve realized that my calling is way higher and thru it, gonna glorify Him. But i ran away, i ran to stay away from my calling and responsibility, and the worst thing is, i broke His heart twice. One is I refused my calling, and the second is i went into something that is against Him.

[sleeplesslemon]

Red String From Joseph, to Us

I watched a sermon today and it really is mindblowing.

For about a week, i thought and am in awe of how Joseph responded to their brother when he first saw them in the famine.

He didn’t blame them for anything that happened to Joseph when Joseph was young, but instead he wanted them to know that there was a super hand which is God’s and His plans over him so that it happened.

You know, what happened to him wasn’t easy at all. I think, he mourned and was in tears and in soooo many questions why they happened.

And i wonder, can this Stephannie answer the way Joseph did? I know i havent yet seen anything but i always believe that God has everything in His hands perfectly. I know it by heart, but that’s so difficult to speak it loud so that my ears hear it clearly.

Today, this afternoon, i watched a sermon from my local church and boom! Everything is answered. I AM AMAZED. It’s all because of God wanted men to be saved. You and I. To be saved.

That’s crazy.

I can even imagine if everything that’s written in Bible didn’t happened the way they were! There might be no savior. You and I would still die in sin, and we’d still be enemies to God.

That is crazy. Now i know that God always works for my good and it’s for His glory to be seen for all mankind. But my struggle is: can i stay still trusting God in the moment of difficulties even tho i know everything happens for His own glory?

Human is so hard. I’d choose to be a carrot.

[sleeplesslemon]

Thoughtless Reflection

It’s been a week away from my birthday.

I realized, birthday used to be very exciting moment of the year but this year was different. Everything was somehow exciting but they're another kind of exciting.

I used to be excited with gifts, presence of people, and endless laughter and party, cakes and flowers, and other things that's given or gifted. But this year was different. I still felt the excitement of all those but I felt something was still missing. I wasn’t enough for everything i received, not that i want more of them but they no longer excite me like how they used to. I felt the hole in my heart, I long for more.

It is a lot harder to understand myself. I feel like me is being mold into someone I am not. Honestly, I'm not angry or uncomfortable with this. I rejoice this change but there's something that bothers my heart. It is just weird to long for something that this world normally hates. It’s weird, very weird. But somehow, I like it.

I found it weird when people asked me what do I want for my birthday. Well to be pretty honest, I had a long list of wishes but it is expired. Lol. I don't want them anymore. Not because I don't want them in my life anymore, but more like I didn't see the value of desiring stuff and people. And all I want this year, is to see my loved ones grow stronger and deeper in Christ.

Sounds like an asshole perhaps, but there's nothing more joyful to listen to them sharing their awe and journey with God. I mean, if you don't believe me, that kinda thing is pretty much addictive to me. I long for Him in every people story. I want people in my life have a journey with Him thru the ups and downs. I want people to have an intimate and personal relationship with Him. 

I love sharing happiness. I love sharing what I love to people I love. And I can't say I love God with all I am cos I'm far from perfect to love Him, but I finally understand that my heart is now in the right hands. He took my heart all over again every day, loving me in any kind of condition. And this kind of love is what I want people to know and have in their life. I just don't long for anything else.

I know at the end, nothing will last. But I'm pretty sure that this love, will. This is why, I want people around me to hold tight on this love. Nothing will last, but their salvation in the right hand will. Their joy in the right hand, will.

My heart is full to see people loving Christ and making Him their lives. I mean, Christ is beautiful and the only beauty in this life. And they have Him with them. They lack nothing! And it’s the best gift I ever receive in my whole life. I don't care if it happens on my birthday or not, this thing is always a beautful gift for me, that makes my heart feels full.

[sleeplesslemon]

Reflection on 2021

2021,

I doubtly believe it’s such everyone’s year. Everyone went through a lot. Like crazy. We never thought a year would pass by so difficult like this. We thought we had a preview from a prior year but we all were just wrong.

I heard so many people are sorrowing through the year. We all have been there as well, all of us.

Indeed such a crazy year. Everything was hella difficult like we can't just stand strong on our own. Even if we were together, we were not together to strengthen each other, but sadly to mourn together. We felt like we can't stand more moment like this anymore.

People left the church, people died tragically, people shut their company down due to so many issue, family went thru an everyday fight just bcs everything was very messy and not in their place, people starved, restless, tearful, broken, and anything that was very sucks to get thru.

But do you see one beautiful thing in the midst of this moment?

I took many moment to ponder and look back, I was in difficult situation as well as anyone. But one thing that amazed me, is that when I can't even stand let alone to walk to move myself, God took me steps further to finish the year.

It’s not only me, but us. All of us. We went through the crazy years and we survived. Remember all the stressful nights which lead you go to sleep painful? Remember those crazy afternoon when you accidentally listen to people were fighting over stuff they were not able to handle anymore? Remember those days full of obituaries and endless threats?

You did not handle them by yourself. All only by God’s grace that you went thru them all. I feel like the waves of this insanity keeps on raging but God has put us on the boat with them and will help us through them all all over again.

God, His foot prints are remarking everywhere along the couple years. Everything is so clear that it is Him, not people. It’s Him.

Ineed i don't want to repeat these years, but surely these years are memorable. For His hands and helps were with me. Oh my mistake, I mean for He was with me through the year, when I felt like insane but He was still here. And He will always be here.

Good thing about these years is, it freshens our perspective about Him. It is not about the virus corrupting the world, but our hearts that are corrupted by everything in this world. And when the virus takes over everything, our pride are tested. And obviously, we will not win over the virus. So the only One who can overcome is God, and good thing is He didn't only overcome the virus but also the pride and the corruptions that have been happening and existing in the world.

Well, painful but definitely not harmful. Just beautiful.

[sleeplesslemon]

+1

Hebrews 13:8

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.”

This is a reminder for me (and of course us).

The Jesus we knew from the passages we read, is the same Jesus who's loving you today, and the same Jesus who will walk you through your days along to your future He has planned for you.

Sweet words, but so difficult to keep it faithful in the heart. Sometimes your brain remembers but your heart still wonders. What's ifs...

But whatever your what if is, it will not change Him.

He is Jesus. Stronger than anything or anyone you think. I mean He's the strongest. Cos who else could lose Him?

He who brought you out from the darkest valley, is the same with who He is today who cares and misses you to come to share your day with Him before you go asleep.

God who helped Daniel out of the lions den is the same God you're doubting today. There's just no excuse to doubt His existence and sovereignty.

If you remember what happened to Daniel, who helped Daniel, well you should've not worried for He is still the same.

Yes, I love Daniel. His story taught me a lot about praying and being faithful in God. The lions den was crazy but what God had done to him was even crazier. And the best part is the God who helped Him is the same God who's with me today. I can't be even more joyful to this fact. Lol

He's a forever plus one to literally everyone. He's my forever plus one. Period.