slapaholicrex

[slapaholicrex]

A bone to pick with what we're told

Even if it did, it's not like they would come out and admit subliminal messaging works. So of course we'll never really know. The same with anything else provided to us via media. Those who benefit most from that ignorance have the upper hand of deception and hypnotism; a magic show of sorts where we are the unwitting participants in staged theater.

Numbers printed above our names given to us as organic beings, collected for data, and utilizing the results for further manipulation. Mice in a maze and ending up fish in a barrell. Providing us with the cheese and saying "it is your choice to take it, I can't make you." But quietly programming the consensus to believe the cheese is what we're really after. "It's good for us, we're mice so of course we want the cheese!" Lively bellowing below the sinister intent unknown.

There's a quote by Henry Ford upon the release of the first affordable American automobile: "You can have any color you want. As long as it's black."

In a similar way, here in the so-called land of the free. "You can think however you want. As long as it's our way of thinking."

As an unfortunate victim of indoctrination that is the education system and media, I feel as if most of what I've been lead to believe is that everyone is capable of free-thinking; and unfortunately, I'm wrong. Unfortunately, I'm often mocked by the right for being too compassionate and I am ridiculed by the left for having faith in what we have. Young and naive on both sides for having a curiosity on why people would be so divided on something so clearly fabricated by powerful forces with unknown names.

The only things we need are survival based. The comforts that slow us down, the security that's invasive and swept under the rug, the programming that connects and divides people simultaneously, progress that has devalued human life because it's simply too plentiful now like an overstocked warehouse; it's now less about progress for the love of life, and more about maintaining the upper class's power and influence. I'm not saying I think all of the upper class are malevolent, but they have the power to make sure that goes unquestioned. How?

Possibly. Maybe, just maybe. I'm saying the odds are astronomical that this is true.

Maybe it's subliminal messaging.

[slapaholicrex]

Hope you're alright. I miss you. I'm officially out on my own for good now, no stupid room mate, no alcoholic dad, just breezing and taking it easy for once. It's nice to see you're still happy. I have to figure a few things out for myself before I'm there as well, but I'll get there.

One love

[slapaholicrex]

Life is not precious.

[slapaholicrex]

The Current Lament

I'm 3 years ahead of insisting I wouldnt live anymore. She hasn't escaped my mind all that much, I just don't have the same reaction I used to; however, just a moment ago I pulled up to the restaurant where we went on our first date, and the memory of her twitching eyebrow as she looked at me passed my mind, and I'm thinking about how we went as friends to see Bad Santa 2 later that night. I wanted to hold her hand when we were sitting all the way up top in the back but I didn't want to scare her off with being pushy. In my mind at the time, I'd rather just spend time with her without ownership or possession. It was a beautiful night to have her in my car. One of my favorite memories really. I remember having so many conversations that were peculiar and all we had together were commonalities. I remember why I didn't want to let go. It was short lived, 7 months(?) And I still wish she was in my arms 3 years later.

[slapaholicrex]

Sometimes i feel like a local celebrity. Im so validated on social media, and its so shallow.

[slapaholicrex]

I wish I knew what it was like to not feel so promised but at the same time afraid of the spotenaity of the future. I want to finally feel assured of my purpose. I want to know that I won't lose it all if something out of control happens.

It's a pipe dream.

[slapaholicrex]

on the bright side

He's going to pay until the lease is up in march, he's paying last month's bills, and hopefully I never see him again.

[slapaholicrex]

I'm back with some tea.

Regarding my living situation, in a previous post, I've mentioned that I live with a man who owes me 3 thousand dollars and conned me into helping him move out of his parent's basement under the belief that we'd make music together because we were best friends.

He was talking to a woman who was married out in California. Somehow convinced her to divorce her husband and move all the way to the midwest. I guess she thought it was best and she did. It didn't take maybe 2 or 3 weeks before she was divorced and married again to my bummy room mate here with us in our two bedroom apartment. I rather enjoyed she was here so he wouldn't bug me with stupid frivolous things that cost my money. Things were pretty steady until recently I hear them arguing. Through the door of my room I hear her yelling at him through the phone telling him not to call her. He's at work and he's on the clock begging her to tell him she loves him. Like a sad pathetic excuse for a husband, and an even more pathetic excuse for a man. He actually got a lyft and came home still on the clock just to settle the argument. He left and later in the evening I happen to meet her in our kitchen and she brings up the fact that she was distressed with him. Talking about how the yelling and arguing is about him wanting her to cosign on a car because his credit is shit. She didn't want to cosign because she wouldn't get to use it anyway since she goes to work later in the day than he does. Basically, he would take the car at 12 and she would walk to work at 3. So he was conning her for a car. I just happened to mention that the only reason I'm there is because he made me believe we'd be making music together and told her about how he sold the laptop I bought and didn't tell me until after we signed the lease and moved in together. How after a while he had accumulated 3 thousand dollars of borrowed money he swore to pay back.

She had no knowledge of this. in fact, he had been lying to both of us. She told me that while she was living in California he told her that he wasn't sleeping with other women. I lived with him and actually provided a woman for him at one point so I know damn well that's a lie and I told her. He told me that Cali girl didn't mind and understood if he slept around while he waited for her to move. She would have too if he would have told her the truth. But no. he chose to lie to both me and her to get what he wanted.

According to her, she sent a credit card for him to hold onto while she was waiting to move. She tried to use the card and was declined. she called the company and was told the credit card was maxed out $5000. He had apparently used it, and used it a lot. I have no idea where that 5000 went, all I know is that bills and rent were paid. She trusted him and he betrayed her financially, just as he did me.

I believe there's more but it doesn't come to memory at the moment.

so this "please cosign on the car with me" is just another con.

We went on about how we both felt stupid and I told her to run when she gets a chance. I wasn't flirting with her or trying to get with her because she's not my type and my genuine moral judgement was to try and help her escape this insane man's actions. I told her not to tell him I told her any of this until the lease was up and I got all of my things out of the apartment.

she didn't wait a week and I get a call from him saying that they were moving and never speaking to me again.

Which is to suggest that instead of facing the problems head on and dealing with the fact that he lied and manipulated us both, he, in fact, would rather separate me and her so he could have full and total control over her life. And never paying me back the $3000 he owes me and the year I just wasted on a lease for an apartment together.

The man is crazy and I genuinely fear for my life because he's too self centered to see how he is affecting the lives of those who care about him. I was the only one who believed in him enough to help him and he still used me. Used. Manipulated. Lied. And he doesn't care because even his mother told me he was a sociopath. I cared for this man like he was a brother and this is how he pays back his homie? This is how he shows his appreciation for all I've done for him? How am I wrong for telling his wife the truth about him? He tried making it seem like it was my fault that I should have brought my problem to him. I did. multiple times. there was always an excuse. but he was walking distance from his work and he never paid me back for what he owed or even said sorry for selling the laptop. I don't care what the sob story is. He knows what he did. He didn't tell me until after I signed a contract to tell me he sold the one thing we moved in together for.

so now I'm in a two bedroom apartment that I can not afford living in. Never released a single song, I'm practically a joke to my family, and I have to find a new affordable place to live because the woman I tried to help sided with the enemy.

She's pregnant now. And even she told me she didn't want to have his kid because he barely takes care of the child he already has. He pressured her into marriage. And he pressured her into pregnancy. I've been conned, and he's conning her.

[slapaholicrex]

It's so numb

that I've considered giving people different times of my life in terms of amount of time I have with them and before getting involved totally, I explain that to them and just hope they're into the idea so no one gets hurt. My fears of commitment shadow the connections I make with people so much that I think it more rational to just give people cut off times, where we hug for the last time, say goodbye, but with a smile so that we'll always be cool and respect each other's lives. Not so much marriage, but however long we can handle each other. The idea of a fortunate future and still dying alone or being alive and miserable is quite the fucking dance with the Devil when deciding to settle down.

How could any sane spirit scorch their existence with agony through an idea that you can put on a fucking T-shirt. And flush in it's superficial social praises of 'nobility' and 'necessity' and project that on others. What are we settling for when we can create our own reality and interact with whoever the fuck we want? Promising one person one life together?

Fuuuuck that!

Have a billion nice encounters with everyone you can possibly meet, tell them who you are and share discovered wisdom about their human experience. Dance with that idea and you've found world peace instead of the horrors that happen because of brainwashing of monogamous relationships.

The problem with existence is how bound by the pressures of reality we are, and our fortitude to accept what is real. We become so naive that we're tightly regulated. So regulated, in fact, that marriage has to be documented. And it comes with benefits, like a business.

I was going to go on a tangent on that last bit but as you can see, I don't fucking buy it.

[slapaholicrex]

Of course it's personal and hard to understand. I have shit grammar but I write how I speak, not as some loser in khakis who has his shit 'Together'

Now that I have your attention, I just think it's time we talk about our mother earth and how we're giving her cancer.

[slapaholicrex]

As a person transcending beyond the meer illusion

We are beasts with one language, and that is of love. Expressions of companionship, fellowship, nurture, and structure for being is one of the noblest evolutionary traits that we inherited. We are to be and let be.

But, I see a world of beasts, - complete in their apathy for being. They're not being, they're just surviving. Complicating and digging holes just to rot in the grave when it's dug. Full of regrets and recounting the wasted minutes in a system that made a fool. We are the production that fashions our own mental torture. We prey on life's natural ability to suck, slap a label on the placebo that fills that void, and think it's progress turning fiscal slaves out of people not asking to be born or even to be expected to buy into this machine. We're expected to see the world, how it works, and the worth of money to mean access to pleasures and proceed to gleefully live in ignorance until we want out and we're trapped. We are to be and choose what to do with our lives. Not expected to be anything. That is what it means to be a beast. We will figure love out on our own. No religion, no spirituality, no subscription to a noble person on youtube; we get a bunch of people to feel love out of choice 100% of the time, we get a land of happy people free to do anything because they'll always choose the better option. I think evolutionarily, we did awesome growing fingers. Maybe some evolutionary idealogies can guide the future and we can breed good people who don't need money.

on That note, since I feel outside of the superficial facade, I've made discoveries of myself as a beast.

1. it all means absolutely nothing in the void so it's better to do and live without regrets. Jump to do something awesome so you don't hate yourself later for missing out. Our life is basically a video game and this is all a first person perspective. Do the best with that kind of thought. I choose to love, I don't demand I have it, but I still choose to give it because nothing good can come from meeting a person and you're both on 10 about nothing. Spread the joy, meet someone, and ask them for their perspective. That is love. I have been a hypocrite before, but life is also about forgiveness as well. even if your good and bad deeds come to 61/ 60, that one time you did good still counts for something. Just forgive yourself and work on it. But even if you don't forgive yourself; refer to the first statement on this self-clamied 'discovery'.

2. I've learned that standards of beauty don't apply to me. I have found that there are beautiful women that I lust for, but they don't fit anyone's copy and paste blonde hair blue eyed fetish. If they're beautiful to me, really that's my grasp of what's attractive to my experience as a being. To some I may even look crazy.

3. Whatever you're doing, you would be happier where you think you should be in your mind. What's in the way? Money. Jobs. Cars. Phones. Housing. Commitment to your labor enforcers. Why not just cut the middle man. Go where you want to go, create your settlement, and then do your next desire. Explore. Find the view you want to see for the rest of your life, and then start there.

4. But alas I am trapped in this system without the ability to go through with my own advice.

[slapaholicrex]

Imposing your will and it's regard to ignorance

As a 'normal' part of society brings a common understanding of what it is like to be alive, we all traditionally have values that while changing have the best ideal of what people should be doing with their lives. However, we have complete nuances and glitch in the matrix like beings that walk with among us with such a strange and different value that we see as baseless. Some homeless quite enjoy what they have because they're happy that their life isn't so complicated by modern comforts and those nuisances that make people forget what it is to be human. And the rich seem to really like their professionalism ripping their souls for more comfort and more pointless consumerism. The high class could look at a homeless person and call them a bum for not trying, but really that homeless person is free. Free from commitments that make their lives miserable. Free from radical changes that may hurt his income. Free from permanent desire to desire. But because all the rich person knows is a society of corporate ladders and moving from poverty to rural to suburban to urban and then retiring to rural, he looks at the person without all of that fuckin bullshit nonsense as a waste of life. And that is the biggest damn shame. He's angry at the most basic part of himself that he wish he could enjoy.

So what do rich people do? They kick out the homeless and force them into their system. Imposing their will in regard of their ignorance.

[slapaholicrex]

I may have taught myself how to read

So I'm playing Red Dead Redemption 2, right? And I've beat it. At the end, in your possession lies extra books you find along the way. Lots of revelations are the focal point of your perspective. It's a land before time. Time to go to work. Time to get to your flight. Time to work out. Some people need their time and sometimes they say that they need their space. Time to visit mother at her work for lunch but she's not on break right now she's swamped and needs extra time to finish her work before you can spare more time to share lunch with her but you can't be there too long because "would you look at the time" when she starts detailing the consequences of your dropping out of college. For some people they rush to college every morning. You, yourself have said that you can't wait to grow up when you're younger and you say you can't wait to die now that you're older. You look forward and say "Shit that's a lot of time to wait so I WILL NOT." And you end up waiting anyway because that's the way life is for everybody and you take time out from your day to rationalize even going forward. Oh shit, would you look at that it's time for your aunt's best friend's daughter's lizard tank cleaning competition. Why the fuck is time so

EDIT: dude I definitely remember writing a lot more to this. And I certainly don't remember leaving it on such a cliffhanger. I wonder what happened.

[slapaholicrex]

You should compete with your ignorance as to not fall lazy to arrogance.

[slapaholicrex]

My heart goes out to women who are with dudes who are in great shape. Not good shape, those dudes are fine, but great shape. sculpted muscles and watch what they eat kind of great. because those guys are narcissists with an extreme 'I'm better than you' anti-humble attitude that think because they look good, they can do whatever. And they spout and gurgle their own sweat and they're on social media talking about 'being positive' and 'working hard' while they do fucked up shit in their privacy. I only have anecdotal evidence but I'm on guard around these great looking dudes.

[slapaholicrex]

I miss it

In the wake of the third holidays alone, I reminisce of the once upon a time when I believed I'd be a happily ever after. Unfortunately the author is still writing this fairy tale and is detailing my darkness in the first person to really pull the reader in further showing how desperate for a loving voice calling back with their perspective of our future that I really am. Effort so effortlessly thrown, care with the boundaries we understand. I do enjoy my solitude, but desolation without the option to escape is the prison that consumes my cell. The reverb is so frequent, dwindling connection with something real, I often have to tell myself I'm the only rational person I know just to keep out of losing trust in everybody in totality.

If the world was my way, everybody would have somebody. Unfortunately bonds are just scar tissue on top of other scar tissue. It's a wonder we even connect when we do. But we know it's a gamble. We know the risks. The rewards, however, never satisfactory. Headaches turn migraines, excited glare and stare alike turn reluctant gazes, and breathlessness turn sour sighs. Regret spills like bile of the bulimic at the sight of the slightest inconvenience. Depression and anxiety can spike indiscriminately, or it can fade and last as the only thing to count on consistently from the time we wake up in the morn to the time we close our eyes and die for the next few hours every late evening.

What is love? Why do we think it's worth anything if we'll be just as miserable as being alone?

I'd risk it all if I could be open and honest next to someone I can trust and depend on when I'm not as strong as I need to be at times. I'd forget who I am and what I've done if it meant starting over for what it's worth. But it's a pipe dream if I've ever seen one. Seems like getting laid is the best I can do.

[slapaholicrex]

If being an American has taught me anything, it's that you could be ugly and still have a shot at kissing women wayyyyy out of your league. I have genuine advice for my friends who are challenged by their own appearance.

If you suffer from having an appearance deficit and everyday you look in the mirror with the same disgust that those around you have, follow these instructions as follows:

Hone your skills in writing play/ movie scripts. Get really good at romantic comedies. Once you've gotten really good at that, get in stupid good shape. You can have a bad face so long as the body makes up for it. Next, you'll want to get into acting. Become the best actor for your plays and movies possible as the main character. After that, sell the script, your time, and your body to a production company. That should fund every camera, every light, every green screen, back drop and prop needed to get your kiss on the big screen. Tell the production company the movie is going to sell millions and possibly billions so you can afford to pay off one of your favorite most beautiful actors to be I'm your movie. She plays the other protagonist whom you will be kissing in the plot. Potential sex scenes are an option depending on how far you want to take it.

Then, when the moments right and some how in the movie you save her life, you kiss her. It'll be on the camera so later on when you have a copy of your own movie you can jerk off to the fact that you kissed somebody beautiful.

That's the American dream. Kissing people who don't want to kiss you for money that you don't have.

That's what I've learned about America.