skyporf

[skyporf]

Yesterday there was a massive spider in my tub, so I got a napkin to kill it (time-sensitive spider). I crushed it, then lifted the napkin to see a completely unharmed spider. so I did it again, and once again, the spider was perfectly unharmed. I started to panic, this had never happened to me before. So I started pummeling him. I just kept pummeling and pummeling, bashing and bashing. I was actually punching him, no other word for it. I reared my fist to see a half-living spider. Still this fucker was alive. One more set of pummels, pummels fit for a man, and then, finally, he was gone. But god, what a life he lived.

[skyporf]

Source

[skyporf]

I... Genuinely don't know if this is satire...

It seems too idiotic to be true but I wouldn't put it past people these days

[skyporf]

i really think this tweet is onto something

[skyporf]

do u think he ever got around to playing undertale

[skyporf]

[skyporf]

new creature discovered. how to proceed?

[skyporf]

he isnot bitish he is firm equation playground

Happy Trans Day of Visibility! (Im late as always oopsie)

[skyporf]

I spent a lot of time handcuffed and in a cage in high school, for a charity bit the grocery store I worked at would do

the bit was that I was "put in jail for having too big a heart" and customers could donate to my bail to get me out (and the money would go to a children's hospital or something)

now. I was very clearly a teenaged employee handcuffed inside a large cage. and I would honestly tell people that I had been in there for hours. and people would say, that's terrible! that's awful! and I would show them my wrists red from the tight handcuffs, and say but I'm sooooooo close to making bail.

and then they would dump some cash in the basket, I'd thank them, and they'd walk away.

and every so often, one of the managers would come by and collect some of the cash, so I could keep being soooooo close to making bail.

I was very good with this bit. Parents with small kids would pay $5-10 if I told their children I had been placed in jail for not cleaning my room/doing my homework, etc. For people in their 20s, I'd threaten that I was very bad at playing the harmonica, but I WOULD play it and we'd all suffer unless they paid me. and for the most amount of money, older men in suits would almost always pay $20s if I avoided eye contact and stammered a lot.

eventually, the managers started to feel bad because I was in the cage so fucking long and often, that I'd need someone to brace me when I got out because I'd have no feeling in my legs. wobbling like a newborn giraffe.

but I would also rake in at LEAST $100 an hour in charity.

so they were like, hey champ. can we, uh, give you a pillow to sit on. in the cage. would you like a pillow so you're not just sitting on a cold metal slab. can we give you a pillow.

and I had to explain to them that if they gave me a pillow, people would think I was more comfortable, so they wouldn't feel as bad, so I'd bring in less money.

the compromise was that they'd bring me a nice coffee every couple hours, which I would have to try to block with my body from the customers.

all this money went to charity. that's what the money was for. it's what was on the sign. but how much they were willing to pay was very contingent on how comfortable I looked, never mind the fact that I was still a teenaged employee handcuffed inside a cage.

and out of the dozens of shifts I did this on, not ONCE did ANYONE say, hey kid I'm going to go talk to your manager because what the fuck is going on here. they would just drop money in the basket, and I'd thank them and sip from my secret drink.

I actually had people get MAD at me that I told them I was far away from bail, they donated like $15, and then 20 minutes I got let out because my shift ended.

again. the money was for charity. it was on the sign that was very clearly placed on the upper half of my cage.

so yeah. even when people think they mean well. people can be really, really fucking stupid.

[skyporf]

we at least need to give the developers credit for fixing this shit

[skyporf]

Kibby :D

This is the funniest fucking spam message I've ever gotten. Only on Tumblr bro

[skyporf]

Tumblr is fucked up, my posts have to battle their evil clones now

[skyporf]

[skyporf]

[skyporf]

The Israelis just call it something that roughly translates to "cream's in it"

Chocolate-coated marshmallow treat: *exists*

Literally every country:

[skyporf]

Alright I got one:

What looks like a cat, sounds like a cat, but is not a cat?

Cat (female)

This joke doesn't translate like at all

Silly Game Time: Bringing back a crowd favorite! Tell us all a dumb joke! If English isn't your first language, feel free to tell us one in your first language! (I'd almost prefer that, in fact.)

What did the marine biologist say to the geologist?

Hello.

People think way too hard when you mention a specific profession xD

[skyporf]