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The Clark Kent of Goth

I don't even know where to start with this guy. One of my co-workers (I'm an assistant manager to a convenience store/gas station) said: “dude, I think you're like a secret goth princess.” It made me feel like the Clark Kent of goth. It's not really a secret per se but now that I've been married for almost 12 years and have 4 boys one of whom is a 13-year-old conservative (not in a pompous way more I need to rebel against my parents kind of way) I find it more difficult to let my darkness seep out. 

I guess nowadays instead of wearing the dark my medium of expression is more verbose. I've noticed I tend to say things that scare my kids of other people. I told my friend yesterday “I have the greatest dream last night! I dreamt Tater (my husband) was going to murder me and the tater tots and taxidermy us! isn't that great.” She said “You probably shouldn't tell that to other people.” when I explained my confusion to Tater, “He said you think its great because you see it as I love you and the boys so much that I rather had you dead and taxidermied than leave me.” of course that's exactly what I loved about it it was just hard to express without it being creepy because that's the way my head put it. 

For me, I guess its a mindset now instead of so much eyeliner my eyeballs cant stay open or becoming sick because the sun is the devil. It's in my decor instead of my clothes, it's in my love for Halloween, in my random coffin shaped purse with a bone handle. I feel that at my age it's just not practical to look dead all the time just when I wake up in the mornings and haven't had my coffee yet.

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Just today

The actual day it's self was meh. Worked all night came home I can't really remeber if tater was awake or not. Probably not. One kid was up on the PlayStation my 6 year old. We good morning he said he loved me as his eyes were focused on little big planet. I made my way up stairs for naked put on my mumu and a clean pair of underwear plugged into Pandora and put on my sleep mask (day time) and slept. Mind you I laid down any where from 8:15 to 8:30 I slept till 12:53pm. I slept for 4 hours and 23 minutes. Woohoo. I went to the bath room fun. Went back to sleep. Woke up at two l. Tater made me some cheese burgers he stayed mostly down stairs actually doing house husband things. I was a little surprised. I ate them. Went back to sleep. This time I probably slept till about 9:30 9:40 so exciting. Well husby decided he wanted something from me. Aha! Motive. It's fine thought I would have gave him what he wanted with out him working for it lol. Before we got to that cause we were cuddling my twelve year old calls tells us he's ready to come home. Okay cool. He comes home and imediantly comes up stairs greetings ensude. It's been a hot minute since we've seen him. He goes away. We start getting playful. 15 minutes later my 12 year old is back showing me he's abducted a tiny toad from the wild. Neat. He goes away again we continue being playful. 15 minutes later he comes back tells me there's frogs out aid3 do I want to hear them. No I want to waller with you dad cause I have to go to work. Okay. So about an hour goes by great! It's safe. We get pretty hot and heavy we succeed in putting the bread in the toaster. Just to have it yanked right out almost painfully because low and behold the boy has returned. He wants to know if he can send his little brothers to bed. Tater was so mad. The tasty fluffy bread had deflated and the toaster became unplugged. Here's the thing our 12 year old knows all about toasting bread and how a lot of married people participate in this activity. He also knows that if mom and dad are alone it's more than likley they are toasting bread. Here's the spot that kind of bothers me and it's so stupid that it does. I asked tater not to toast his own bread. I wanted to toast it together. He gave me the ol blueberry jam shtick. Which is a total myth it doesn't exsist it's bait. He told me that because I can toast several pieces of toast in the same time he toasts one it won't matter. Yea but I can't toast anything at work. How is it fair that you can make toast by your self and I cant. I'm just as frustrated as he is. If blueberry jam was real I'd have the problem just as bad as him. Any woman knows when her toaster is hot and doesn't get to toast bread it's uncomfortable. Anyways I guess it brothers me that regardless if I get to toast my bread or not he will toast his. 😕 Alright that's my rant for the day. Dueces.

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And again

Well at least it's not twice in one well day for me at least. This one probably won't be nearly as long. Well maybe. This isn't really a ranty post as it's more of an ode to the devastating loneliness that is the burden of a 3rd shift worker. At least one that works on their own. Ones that work in groups although they like me don't get to spend much time with loved ones still receive human interaction. I work from 12am to 8 am. Five days some times six, a week. Out of that 40 hour period I spend only 10 with people. The other 30 I am alone. I do have to say though I am a terrible recluse. I usually begrudge family gatherings. Some times I can't even tolerate being around all four of my kids at one time. That being said some would think I would love having to only sacrifice 10 hours of my work week to peopling. I do actually most times. Sadly I have multiple almost crippling mental illnesses. I'm 30 years old and am wracked with ADHD, bipolar disorder, PTSD of sorts, am skitzo effective which apparently is just shy of full blown schizophrenia. I also just barely touch the autism spectrum with explains texture issues, my emotional issues and my inability to understand, cope with certain emotions others show or that I show. That I just plain don't understand why. I'm not sure if I should feel lonley or am fine in being a lone. It holds a lot if confusing feelings. Do I feel lonley in my job position or do I not and am supposed to? I think besides my current financial instability I feel pretty happy Maybe? Well I guess it runs more along the meh line. I feel more neutral I suppose. I'm not unhappy but I'm not in bliss either. Am I just making excuses for things im not feeling? I won't lie I have had thoughts of running away starting a new some where else changing my name. We have an active serial killer where I live, my mother said they had been working my area since the 80s maybe I could just "go missing". How would my family feel about that if anything at all. My beautiful husband could find a hotter wife, one not so crazy. My kids could have a step nother who pays attention to them and doesn't yell at them to be quiet all the time. Maybe I'm just being stupid. Did I mention I also suffer from depression, and suicidal tendencies. Mmmrhmm. I've made 5 attempts with 2 interrupted successes. My heart stopped beating for more that 2 minutes there for success. I haven't made an attempt in over 11 almost 12 years. I don't particularly feel as if death is my final answer because there are other solutions for now. I'm not really sure if this is actually an ode to the 3rd shift worker any more. It sounds like another stupid and chaotic thought train on the wrong track. What am I even saying here. Who knows. I know that so far since I started this the day before yesterday I have felt a little less like nothingness and little more of something there just beneath the skin. Dueces.

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Already?

After my husband got home from running errands he called me. From down stairs. In the kitchen. Just to tell me he was home and that our local CAO had just closed when he got there at 4:30pm and he still needed to go to my parents house to get our celery a shovel and an elbow for a gutter that gushes directly onto our wreck room roof.

So tater goes and I just start to fall asleep at this point it’s probably 6 or so when he calls me again about toilet paper paper towels and fabric softener sheets. Umm… I sent you a screen shot of every thing I wanted why are you calling me. We get off the phone and I finally get to sleep.

Suddenly the dogs are barking down stairs violently like the house is on fire or some crap. No no the stupid creatures just didn’t recognize my spouce sporting his man nub. (The startings of a man bun but very very nubby) They are just so used to his crazy ass Albert Einstein hair that he was a whole new person. I found this to be a bit funny and my mood was brightened until my spouse told me he forgot the shovel and perhaps my celery. Man I need that for the roast that well be eating again because we broke.

So I decide to take my Looney tunes medication and I start to chill and I begin to start feeling some kind of way (9:30) btw so I text him asking if he was going to come lay with me so I can *ahem* sleep for work and get some cuddles. He tells me he can’t cause he’s still in the bath room. I had no idea he was in there to begin with. So I ask him well how long you been in there bitches have needs. He says oh not long maybe 2hrs.

Like for reals you’ve been pooping for 2 hours? Why do I the distinct impression it’s more like 30min or less of actual pooping and 1.5 hours watching YouTube so he doesn’t have to adult? I click my tongue tell him I want cuddles and extra curricular activities if he’s interested and that I do have to go to work tonight so if he was he needs to beat feet up there.

So he gets to our bed roo. And I’m in bed looking all sultry in my granny moo moo. Comfort over sexy, I mean we been married for 10 years like what more can I do for him that hasn’t already been done? I tell him I’m still salty at him because of this morning he whines at me like s toddler we start to cuddle. Now if your an adult with a consistent partner than you know if you cuddle for long periods and do much moving some one else usually “pops” in to say hello. I am a girl who can’t turn away a healthy guest and I welcome him.

I do say instead of the mostly normal boxed Mac and cheese I got gourme 4☆ restaurant baked Mac in cheese. I know I know gourme Mac and cheese takes longer to prepare with the same amount of time in which to devour it but it’s much much more satisfying to consume while you are.

After we’ve had our um snack he rolled away and started to watch stuff on net flix. Now I bet you think I’m going to be super girly and complain he didn’t want to cuddle well your wrong. Use to he wanted to cuddle after we “ate” but so much contact and I always became so full and satisfied I didn’t want him to touch me. It’s almost imediant after we separate. I just wanted to bask like a queen in my own bliss and selfishly I didn’t want him to waller on me and force me to acknowledge the existence of other people.

Don’t get me wrong I love my husband. That thing this morning that’s a 10 year problem and I don’t imagine it’ll get better. I’m desperately in love with my husband who when we almost for real split suddenly realized he was in love with me too (happened a month and a half ago after 10 straight years…) I guess I grew on him like a fungus and I have a healthy appetite for all kinds of Mac and cheese. He’ll I’ll even take the micro wave in 5 min kind I don’t care.

It’s more about eating together for me. Any ways I veered off topic uhh oh right so normally he’ll walk me down stairs and see me out to the car safely (we live diagonally between two ghetto areas and a vertical rich area there for lots of muggings and rape happens.) Normally I would not be a stereotypical scum bag but ligetimatly the area I live in has high mugging rates, what is that called in arrested and tried terms crapola. Any ways yea so the muggings and rape are a hot spot in my area.

My husband has never fought a day in his life. Ever. I have been in more fights than I can count on all of my felangies. I guess because I have a vajayjay I need protected, I guess that’s a straight penis thing. No idea though seems meh. Any way so he didn’t tonight. This time praise something he fell asleep.

But! I got to work in 7 minutes and received not 1, not 2, but 23 text messages from tater asking me if I was okay that he was so sorry for falling asleep, did I feel scared did I feel vaunerable. Do what now? Since when have I ever expressed that I was feeling vulnerable? Well there was that one time but it was pretend. Any ways.

I trolled him. I called him like oh hi honey yea I’m getting out of the car now, no it’s okay that you fell gllerk *click* I totally made it sound like I got snatched. He did not find it funny. I told him what kind of guy is going to snatch a seriously over weight tall blue haired chick from in front of a rehab clinic. 😞

Still he wasn’t amused. None the less he told me he loved and and I said I loved him and then he went to sleep and I am board as fuck. In case you want to know I’m done being pc. I’m not very good at it I struggle. Any hoo that’s it for now. Dueces.

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First time for everything right?

This is my very first time using tumblr. I think since no one on here knows me I will be ranting about my personal life here. If any one actually reads this beware I have dyslexia and my autocorrect consistently malfunctions. Nothing like texting your mother to grab a deck of cards and it comes out as grab that di** hard. I'm a 30yr old momma of 4 boys, 5 if you count my husband and I absolutely do not mean that in a sexist b.s. way. I genuinely feel he is a giant man baby. It took me almost 4 hours this morning, this very morning to wake him up to get a job. My 3 littlest boys 9, 8, and 6 (my teen is off frolicking some where with bio dads momma) were on the PlayStation playing you guessed it Minecraft!!! Good Lord in heaven. Well what else are they supposed to do when I had to cancel the internet. 😭 I guess in that respect it's my fault as much as his. I was off work last night (work 3rd shift from 12am-8am) so I slept at normal hours. Sort of. Well about as normal as you can manage as a grave shift worker. In case the readers care I am the only one in my house hold to currently have a job. Which would not be so bad except it's an entry level position at a rehab (addicts) facility. This means I make 1300$ a month to run 1650$ house hold. *hysterical laughter while crying* I'm okay with him being a stay at home dad if he were any good at it. I usually end up doing laundry and cleaning the counters of cat urine because my man cats can't use a litter box together. 😑 or at all for that matter. Plus all the other ridiculous cleaning activities you didn't know existed when you highly anticipated becoming an adult. I mean okay so Pitch ( my youngest cat) looks like a tiny majestic af panther with huge golden eyes and Razer sharp claws, and Ewok the king of the house is as big as a medium size dog. 27 healthy lbs thank you very much the vet said. At least Psyco is out side right?😥 Still kicking as* and taking territorial names at 24 yrs old. I had her since I was 6 years old. Im just waiting to bury her at this point. My man baby said that he is like the father on that movie the Croods with the mother in law. Is she dead yet ? I'm okay. Wtf. I just think she is just so insane that she'll never die cause she scares the grim reaper. It feels like the universe forgot the lube when it decided to ride me into oblivion. Well I guess the only lube available were my own tears and they dry up pretty fast. On that note I'm going to start making dinner and then hopefully I'll get to catch a nap. I bid you farewell. Inconsistent and confusing rant is over enjoy the rest of your day.

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