skinningmyself

[skinningmyself]

I took one look at my stomach just now and i know i have to starve myself next week

[skinningmyself]

The guy I work with opened up to me two days ago, and I feel so sad. I know he’s lying, he’s just saying whatever I want to hear out of pity. He said he finds me attractive, which obviously came as a complete shock to me. How can a guy like that find me desirable? We’re in completely different leagues. Thats how i know he’s lying. Either that or he is completely desperate for pussy. Whats even worse is im terrified I’ll lose him as a friend. I am so paranoid that he is only friends with me because there’s a chance I’ll sleep with him. I dont want to lose him as a friend. But why tf would he stay friends with me, I have nothing to give

[skinningmyself]

I cant endure much longer

[skinningmyself]

I went from the first pic to the two others in less than a year. Fuck me im so fat, im gonna start starving myself again

[skinningmyself]

I need to get my shit together and just kill myself soon, stop being such a pussy

[skinningmyself]

I fucking hate switching i just switched a few minutes ago and now i fucking hate myself even more than normal fuck this im supposed to meet up with my best friend tomorrow but if im like this i dont think i can fuck this i cant stop crying im crying so much my eyes hurt my eyes are swollen already i want to go hurt myself but if i do my boyfriend will freak out i cant do that to him i hate myself so much i want to die i want to die so badly i need to spare everyone the bother of having me around my friend is only with me because he doesnt have anything better to do and he feels bad for me i shouldnt even go tomorrow cause he’ll be happy and relieved if i cancel im gonna go hurt myself but i shouldnt i wish this didnt happen tonight

[skinningmyself]

I dont think the people in my life who knows about my diagnosis realise how much it actually affects my day-to-day life, other than my boyfriend ofc cause he lives with me. But the few people in my life, like my best friend and that one dude i spilled my guts to while i was drunk, they only ever see me when im very happy or at least normal. And they almost never see me.

My boyfriend is frustrated every day because i cry every day and he doesnt know what to do. Im waiting for him to break down and leave me for good. I lay in bed for 20 hours straight without eating or going to the bathroom, and my boyfriend locks himself in his office because he is devastated. And its all my fault. He deserves so much better than me.

But the people who only see me like every other week, when im at my best, when im not starving myself or cutting myself or smashing my head against the walls or purposely cross busy roads in hopes that a car will hit me; those people only see me when i dont care about these stuff that much. When i manage to actually have a good time and not cry. But i dont think they realise that, that those times are a version of me that is the huge exception to the rule

[skinningmyself]

All the soap ruined my skin as well

[skinningmyself]

For me the worst part of all this is just how dirty you feel after something like that happening to you. Dirty as in actually unclean, covered in filth that isnt actually there. The weeks after it happened i manically showered up to ten times a day, because i felt like i needed to wash it all off me. Of course there wasnt actually anything on my body. It just felt like i was covered in a physical layer of shame, disgust and filth. I dont think that feeling is talked about a lot

[skinningmyself]

I feel so sick right now. I feel like throwing up. I feel like I’m lying to my boyfriend about that dude who tore off my bra. And it feels like i didnt even try to get away. Maybe i was just being weak, i could’ve just walked away or screamed. Fuck me my boyfriend was in the next fucking room. I could’ve just woken him up. I thought about that as it was happening, but it felt impossible in the moment. Not that this situation is even a big deal. I laugh about it with my friend. In reality i feel like throwing up every time we mention it. And i always cry at the first opportunity afterwards. And i dont understand why, its wasnt even a big deal. It just always reminds me of the two other dudes from a long time ago that definitley crossed the line, who i never reported. I never went to anyone cause i could’ve stopped it. Thats how i feel, looking back at it now. But in the actual situation, i just froze. And threw up afterwards. I hadn’t even been drinking so it wasnt alcohol. It was just pure disgust and shame spilling out of me. The first situation was over two years ago, and i still cry over it at least thrice a week. Fuck me im pathetic

[skinningmyself]

I’m gonna commit suicide tonight. I have the scissors ready bye

[skinningmyself]

i am just very uncomfortable with the way i am perceived like there’s a disconnect between my actual identity and the identity ppl assume i have and it makes me uncomfortable and stressed out

[skinningmyself]

«You look so nice today»

well okay but did u notice how I’m ugly

[skinningmyself]

Might off myself in a bit

[skinningmyself]

there's something so evil about putting on an outfit that you LOVE and it's literally so YOU but feeling too shy to wear it outside.

[skinningmyself]

I want to destroy myself. I hate everything about this body, it deserves to fucking starve to death, maybe then it'll look at least halfway decent.

[skinningmyself]

reblog if you hate your thighs