sisyphusonrollerskates

[sisyphusonrollerskates]

Entry 2

Today’s been interesting. That’s about it.

I’m not even sure what to put, other than I should put something. We’ve been talking about politics at my internship, which...all but one person there are people who seem to have good heads on their shoulders. Since I don’t want to get into politics on this blog, I’m just going to leave it at “One person supports someone who terrifies everyone else because we see the similarities between him and Hitler.” I made contact with the person who I feel like started a number of my problems today, to meet up with them later this summer. I haven’t seen them since they attempted suicide, and I know that they know...things that happened were bad. Like, they’ve already appologized to me for messing me up, but...at the time, I wouldn’t hear any of it.

I’ve grown, thankfully, and now I will. But I feel like I need to talk to them about this, for closure. Tell them, to their face, that yes, I am messed up, and I now don’t even see myself as human most days, because of the abuse I was given by you. I can’t handle silent periods, because I worry that people are giving me the cold shoulder and that I’ve done something wrong, because of this person.

Confronting them won’t solve my problems, and I know that. They want to meet up with me too, and seems excited about it all. I just want closure, you know? Like, I want to be able to finally tell him, “Yes, I finally accept that I did not deserve what you did to me, and told me, and forced me into thinking. That being said, I still forgive you, because I know you were in a bad place too, and that was over 10 years ago. The only thing we can do is move on, and better ourselves as people, which we are both doing.”

Normally I wouldn’t endorse going back to abusers and meeting with them again. This situation though...I feel could end well. I don’t know.

Good luck to you all.

-Sissy

[sisyphusonrollerskates]

Welp, My First Entry

So, since I’m having trouble finding a therapist that I feel comfortable with, that also fits into my schedule, I’m using a tumblr blog as my way to get my feelings out, to talk about my problems. 

This is a personal blog, and not something that’s nescessarily meant to be entertaining. I’ll be reblogging mental-health things on occasion, but...not really much else that may be interesting. 

Think of this as an accountability-diary. I’m not looking for attention, I’m just looking for...either community, or at least accountability. 

And so, why not use my title as my first entry.

For years now, I have felt like no matter how hard I try, no matter what effort I put in, I will always backslide into a place similar to where I started. Being someone who’s good with mythos, generally speaking, it wasn’t long before I made the connection to the backsliding and the feeling of futility, to the character of Sisyphus, perpetually rolling the boulder up the hill, only to have it fall back down.

The thing is...Sisyphus is able to push the bolder up on his own. It’s the Gods that cause him to struggle, cause the futility. I’m not as strong as Sisyphus, and I struggle with even the most basic of things sometimes. Which, inserts the roller skates. Can someone on roller skates push a boulder up a hill? With great difficulty, time, and effort, sure; it will, however, take much longer to get there, and the back sliding happens much more frequently. 

Hense, I am Sisyphus, and I am on roller skates. 

I have had depression for over 13 years now, and anxiety symptoms for as long as I can remember (it just wasn’t identified until I was in High School). I’ve been through therapy and various medications, with only some being effective long term. I’ve been diagnosed with an eating disorder, as I have an unhealthy relationship with food, and I have most recently been diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I’m in a medical-based school program, and through my education, I’ve noticed a number of my behavior patterns are vaguely paranoid in nature, and it concerns me. I’ve gotten to the lows of suicide attempts (failed, obviously; though I guess you could consider it successful in the sense that I am still alive) and having to take myself out of school for a year, and highs were I feel...normal. Generally functioning and...normal. 

But these always backslide. Maybe the boulder doesn’t get away from me, a long ways away from the hill, every time, but those highs never seem to last. 

Anyways, if you’ve read this far, I hope I don’t bore you. Or, at least, we can find solice together? This is just really meant to be an introduction, where I can add more in other entries later on. 

Good luck to you all. 

-Sissy