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sisterhood-sanity · 6 years ago

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The Christmas I went bat shit crazy!

If you have already read the purpose and the genesis for this blog you know quite a bit about why and how Sisterhood Sanity exists, but I merely skimmed the surface of the final catalyst for my leaving my profession of 25 years and starting over. The final proverbial straw was the Christmas I went bat shit crazy!

It should’ve been the happiest, most special Christmas of my life; I was finally with the man of my dreams, my soulmate (as cheesy as that sounds), but this year I was riddled with debilitating anxiety and depression. I had a job that I should’ve loved; I worked with people that I should’ve cared about; I had students I should’ve adored, but instead I found myself in a constant state of panic. I could’ve sworn my MS was chewing up my brain. When I went in for a three hour MRI, I expected my brain to light up like a Christmas tree. When I went into the neuropsychologist, I expected him to say I have the memory of a two-year-old. Instead, I received the greatest and simultaneously most disturbing reports: no new lesions. My MS was not only stable, but one of my lesions was shrinking; how is that even possible. My MS is getting better? Maybe the neuropsychologist would be able to shed light on why couldn’t I work, why couldn’t I think and comprehend and create at a higher level like I had been doing for so long. Why was it that had to spend 10 hours every weekend in the basement trying desperately to create curriculum and feeling the panic rise with the tick of each minute on the clock? For the first time, I was seeing less of the man I loved than I did in the four years we dated long-distance. How could I tell him my job was killing me? How could I tell him I felt that I was going crazy? I felt that I was constantly jousting at windmills getting nowhere, always testy, always disappointed, always slightly angry, but mostly upset. I found I cried at the drop of a hat, me this tough chick (as my best friend says), couldn’t keep her shit together, choking back tears during class. That should’ve been the happiest Christmas of my life. And in hindsight...it was...ok the Christmas wasn’t happy, it was scary and unnerving...but that Christmas kicked me in the ass so hard that I turned around to face myself and take my own advice.

Last June I was chosen to address the Plymouth High School graduating class one last time. It was serendipitous because as they were starting a new adventure, so was I (ironically I didn’t start my adventure until I hit rock bottom). I was leaving my job of 19 years to move an hour away and marry the man of my dreams. I wrote a speech that talked about hope, joy, and adventure, and I forgot to take my own advice. While grasping at life preservers during Christmas, I happened to re-read the speech and realized these were the words I needed to hear. These are the words that helped me have the courage to begin again. I am pasting much of the speech here because I feel the advice I gave the kids and took for myself sets the tone for Sisterhood Sanity. (I took out the personal remarks meant for the kids, but it is, for the most part, the whole of the message.) You may recognize some of the phrases, there are very few original thoughts, we are always influenced by the outside, but I have put them together in what I hope is an original way.

We are standing at the precipice of our next adventure...We are both ending and beginning today! It’s a marvelous opportunity to able to begin again…I never thought at the age of 50 I would get a do-over, but I do

and I am going to take advantage of all that I have learned to ensure the next 50 years are the most colorful yet. A do-over is an amazing gift from the universe. It’s extremely serendipitous that I stand here today. While you the class of 2018 are completing your PHS journey, I am also completing my 19-year journey of teaching at PHS. So Instead of being old like me and finding yourself saying “If only I knew then what I know now!” I want to tell you what I know...and I strongly urge you to use it Now...Don’t wait for a do-over...

My TOP TEN LIFE LESSONS

Number 10

Respect your fears…

acknowledge your fears...but don’t let the fear of failing or disappointing others stop you…fear, as Adam Smith (a graduating student) so wisely discusses in his nature of man essay is simply a catalyst for growth and change

Number 9:

Don’t try to be clever when you should be wise: If you are wise you will know when it’s appropriate to be clever and when it’s not...

Number 8:

Don’t make excuses…no one cares why you didn’t; they only care when you do, so show up...that’s what family and friends do...they just show up

Number 7:

Be silly, be kind, be honest...Don’t be afraid to be silly..silliness brings laughter and laughter is a barometer of happiness...laugh a lot…be kind to yourself...haters are going to hate no matter what...so don’t let them suck potential joy from your life...most importantly, always be honest with yourself...if you’re not...WHO else will be

Number 6:

Learn from your mistakes...You are what you make yourself. So learn lessons from your mistakes...the first being to not make the same mistake twice...that’s stupidity…

Number 5:

Don’t settle for almost right…You only cheat yourself when you justify that which isn’t totally right for you...you know when you are cheating yourself when you can’t look yourself in the mirror...and If you can’t look yourself in the eye....no one else will be able to either...

Number 4:

Wake up every morning as if something wonderful is going to happen: While unfortunately, you won’t get to spend part of your day in my classroom any more... there is still a world of wonderful out there for you...so look for it...to grab...enjoy it...savor it

Number 3:

All the universe conspires to help you achieve your goal

But you have to listen to the messages along the way…go through life confidently knowing the universe wants you to win...wants you to achieve...and you will...if you trust your instincts and listen to the messages....if you trust that You are where you are meant to be

Number 2:

Enjoy the journey…Short cuts may get you to your destination faster...but you’ve missed the adventure...you can’t take short cuts through difficulties...you learn from the adventure of them

And my Number 1 life lesson:

Make your life Colorful: draw your world

Dr. Seuss used a rainbow of hues that tickled the imagination but even he had to start with the three primary colors...he had to open his mind to all the possibilities...to all of the thinks he could think

Life is not a box of chocolates...it is box with 64 crayons with a sharpener in the back. Use them as a child does...with a glazed look of wonder when they are new, but not afraid to break a tip or tear back the paper to sharpen one.

Pour the crayons out and look at them...it’s ok if they aren’t in perfect rainbow symmetry…they were made to be used, so use them...share them...create with them…color your world with them…don’t settle for an “invisible” boat...and if you insist on only using black and white then at least use some shading…

We love children’s drawings with shimmering green clouds and rainbow striped beasts...we crave Dr. Suessian drawings...not because of their stylistic genius...but because of their honesty and openness...because of their ability to see what isn’t there...their ability to tangibly reflect the vastness of imagination and wonder.

Don’t leave an inch on the page of your life colorless...don’t let fear stop you from coloring outside the lines…

I am in no way suggesting that you cut off your nose to spite your face..but think the deep thoughts...imagine the impossible...soar for your personal goal….don’t restrict your life to someone else’s defined red rose…Take what you have learned and use it, change it, embellish on it…don’t be satisfied with a red rose any more…make a purple poke a dotted wiggley giggle that sways under a fluorescent orange sky and when someone looks at your paper and says that’s not what it’s supposed to look like….ask the Nosey Nancy...why not?

Always ask why….suck the marrow of life….just don’t choke on the bone.

Albert Einstein said “Imagination is more important than information,” Live with this truth so that when the drawing of your life is finished…

Your crayons are broken and sharpened down to nubs, with frayed paper wrappings, and the cover of the box is hanging precariously by one corner and the sharpener is a kaleidoscope of crayon shavings.

Let’s color our world together as we celebrate being us. As we celebrate our sisterhood. And hopefully, retain our sanity along the way.

If we all colored our world with joy and wonder and imagination...what a world it would be…

How are you going to color your world today?

#beyourowndriver

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sisterhood-sanity · 6 years ago

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Who am I?

That is a great question. The easy answer is I am Missy. I am a mother of two, a stepmother of three, a high school English teacher of 25 years, a divorcee, a sister to three sisters, five sisters-in-law, and two brothers, an aunt to 17 nieces and nephews, a daughter, and most recently and importantly a newlywed.

Those are my titles, but I am also a compilation of events that when written out are unbelievable. I love the TV show “This is Us,” but I have often wondered if the writers had been secretly taping my life. I was married to a man for 20 years whom I had loved deeply and for a long time. However, he was bipolar, and ultimately, the disease was too much, and it was killing the kids and me. After 20 years of marriage and survival, I filed for divorce. Ironically, the day I filed was also my 44th birthday and the day I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (I warn you it sounds like a bad Lifetime movie). As crushing as those events could be, I wouldn’t let them. I knew God had always given me a board long enough to cross the chasm. And I did. And then a year and a half after the divorce, my ex-husband ended his life.

His death was so soon after the divorce, it felt like I was burying my husband, not my ex-husband. I spent the first three months like the walking dead. It took all I had and advice and support from the man that I would eventually marry to pull it together. The kids and I spent two years in therapy dealing with our loss of the family and their father. During this recovery time, it became rapidly apparent that my son was on a serious downward spiral. One day he walked into the house clearly stoned, and I did what the therapist and I said I should do (which I had also warned my son I would do); I called the cops. In our little Norman Rockwellian hamlet, four squads came screeching up the driveway, drug dogs in tow and a lot of hard reality for my son. Later that evening, the lead detective called me and asked if I could keep my son home from school because he was the final piece of evidence that they had been looking for. Turns out my son didn’t just get high with the local pothead, no he chose to spark it up with the regional drug dealer. (Seriously, this isn’t a movie script...this is my life.) That night my son began talking about killing himself because it wasn’t worth living without his dad, so I did what any mom would do; I called a suicide hotline.

By 2PM the following day my son was admitted into a ten-day inpatient program. I hugged my son and crossed my fingers. There was no way I was going to lose another man that I loved. When my son was discharged on Christmas Eve, the psychologist said that his real struggle was his Autism. What? My son isn’t Autistic, or was he? Boy, that would make a lot of sense. So, again, I did what I needed to do. I found a 30-day inpatient evaluation program. I would know finally if my son suffered from Reactive Attachment Disorder or if he was Autistic. Turns out he is Autistic. This diagnosis opened doors for him and helped me know how to help my son. (That’s another long tale that I may get into another time.)

Because of my ex-husband's death and my son’s troubles took so much of my attention, my sweet girl was left to find her own way. Fortunately, she has turned into a strong self-sufficient young woman. Unfortunately, it means she is strong-willed and opinionated and very reserved about what is going on with her. But, we are finding our way and our language. She is a survivor, and I am immensely proud of her. This blog is as much for my daughter as it is for me and all of you soul sisters.

I met the man of my dreams and prayers two weeks before my ex-husband took his life. (He actually came to the funeral). Seeing Kevin at the funeral made the horror bearable. There is so much to say about this man who helped me save myself and my kids. Through Kevin’s constant and steady patience and advice, the kids and I fell in love with him, and we married him last July. Both of my kids and I were over the moon! They had learned it is ok to trust a man to be there when you need him, and I had learned to trust a man to say what he means and that the other shoe isn’t going to drop at any minute. I had prayed for Kevin to come into my life and he did. However, the marriage called for leaving my job of 20 years, moving an hour away from the only home my kids had known and learning how to live with a new family. And, all this time, I didn’t know that the MS had caused damage to my brain. Yes, I have a bilateral cognitive deficiency which wouldn’t have been a problem if I had stayed at my job, but the intense demands of a new school, new curriculum, and new expectations ultimately developed into severe anxiety and depression. So what is a girl to do...I left my job to get healthy...and write...and live...and love.

So who am I? I am strong! But if it hadn’t been for all of the support I had received this year and all of the subsequent years, I never would have survived. I gained my sanity through the help of my sisterhood. I hope this is a place to help you be strong and survive and live and love and find sanity.

#iamstrong

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